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I dont think he gets it yet...I dont know if I can do this

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IamDyingInside posted 1/9/2014 22:42 PM

It has been 4 months since I discovered it all. We have had so many ups and downs. I cannot stop obsessing over this and he will talk about it but doesnt like to. He claims it was over on 10/11 but I just cannot seem to believe/trust it. I dont feel like he is being 100% honest with me when I ask questions and this kills me. I also think he could be a lot more remorseful, attentive to my needs, etc. Are any of you that are in full R or close to it....ever have to wait this long to feel like you got all the answers to your questions answered or feel like he really gets it?

Needadrink posted 1/10/2014 00:24 AM

Hi there I am sorry for your pain I know how much you are hurting. I couldn't see your profile so I don't know your story. Unfortunately it seems to be a consistent thing for our H to drip feed information, they just don't seem to get it. My deadline was approx 4 Months before I found out everything and we are now into 8 Months. My H is really starting to understand the total devastation that he has caused and he is learning more and more from reading and talking about it. Yes he would answer my questions in the beginning but now he is really opening up about a lot of things and I am really starting to let my guard down a bit. It will take a while though but time really is a healer, However I think that both parties have to be prepared to put in the work. I think you will only start to feel a bit safer when you feel you have everything on the table. Go with your gut it is very powerful!

Frankie80 posted 1/10/2014 05:45 AM

Hi, I'm a little bit further out than you but do still sometimes feel like I'm not sure he's being 100% honest with his answers. I think this comes with the continued lying involved with broken NC. When I first asked my questions my H wasn't being honest with me about the continued contact with his co worker AP. So all the answers he gave then feel like lies now . I think when they offer information without you having to drag it out of them it helps as needadrink said once you feel like you have everything you need and know exactly what you are dealing with, you will start to let your guard down and feel safer. I'm just getting there now 6 months out from Dday #1 but still need lots of reassurance sometimes in the form of asking again and being told the same things over and over. Take your time, tell him what you need him to do to help you-my H was clueless at first! (((Hugs)))

IamDyingInside posted 1/10/2014 08:23 AM

Thank you both for the comments. It does help alot to know this is not so abnormal. This is such hard work and I get so angry about it sometimes. I deleted my profile because it sounded like a babbling idiot! I plan to update it soon but until then, a little bit about my back story is I have been cheated on mutiple times early in the marriage and it didnt seem to be this hard to get through. It was long ago and I remember being overcome with grief but nothing like this time. I think that because I had 2 young children at the time, I put their needs before mine maybe felt sort of trapped with being young and felt I had no where to go. I know there have been a few woman here and there since then too. This last time, 09/2013, he met a few OW on a business trip while in another country. He swears up and down there was no sex (I dont believe that). I found out because he was using Skype to keep in contact with them. It was installed on his cell phone and something was eating at me to look through his phone. There it was! He said it was all fantasy. I do believe that because he was telling both of the OW he loved them, he wanted to marry them, wanted them to have his children. He was telling them both the same thing at basically the same time. One of them stopped chatting toward the end of Sept and from then on it was just one OW. He told me several times it was nothing and they were just friends. I then disovered monthly subsriptions (charges to our bank account)to skype so they could call one another. He never admitted anything until I took his phone one night and took a picture of every text they had. He told me it was over all the while was telling her we had problems in our marriage. (Which we did but was not an excuse) and I didnt know that it was that bad because he is not a good communicator. I sent her messages on skype and sent her texts from my cell phone. She only said they had a relationship. That is all she said. I am so mad about that, that she wouldnt communicate back. I finally made him send her an email on 10/11/13, he told her it was over, that he loved his wife, it was all a game and he felt nothing for her. I found out much later that the next day he sent her messages on Skype but I dont know what they said. He claims she would not leave him alone and he was reiterating that it was over. At that time I had no idea that the email I had him send was considered the NC. To my knowledge he has not contacted her since then but I know she sent him an email mid October and she actually called him on his work cell phone on Dec 7th! With all these instances which keep coming up, It is hard to move forward. When she called, I was in the bedroom and so was the cell phone. He was in another room. I ran the phone to him to answer but it stopped ringing by the time I got it to him. I should have answered it! I forced him to call her back...he didnt want to. I had to be very forceful with this. He did call her back but I am so angry because he spoke in Spanish. Now he knows very little spanish but knew some because of his travels to that country for business. I do not know Spanish! How am I supposed to know what he said to her? I do know that once he said what he said she hung up. He said he told her to stop contacting him. Another thing that keeps coming up is some of his friends talking about a trip to this country. They have not talked about it in front of me, I first discovered an email from one of his friends, another time I recorded him without him knowing when he had a neighbor friend over for the evening and just recently another friend sent him a facebook message about it. Now, WH says that he did talk about friends going with him the next time he had to go on business but it was mostly just "man talk" and there is no trip. In my head, I believe he talked to the first friend about it, talked about the woman and how beautiful the country was. The email I read from the friend sounded like they had talked about it prior to this email. The friend was so excited about this trip and I am sure it was not because it is a supposed beautiful country. The neighbor friend works out of town most of the time, so they dont see each other all that often. When I came in the same room as them, it seemed as if they would stop talking. So, I grabbed this old recorder and snuck it in the same room as them and left the house. The recording was pretty hard to understand but I heard enough to know what they were talking about and my WH told the neighbor how he should go with him next time and talked about how they love "the big black dick" over there. When I confronted him about it, he was so shocked but again said it was all "man talk" and there was no trip. Supposedly this trip is around superbowl because what I discovered next was a message on Facebook from another friend who is also friends with the neighbor. His message was asking WH if he had gotten the plane tickets yet because he wanted to remind him that the trip is planned at a bad time since it is superbowl time.I again confronted him about this, he said he never told this guy about the so called trip and it must have been the neighbor who mentioned it. WH said he would take care of this. This Facebook message was just earlier this week! So things keep popping up which is causing me to doubt what he is telling me. And, this past weekend I sat down with WH and gave him some things I needed to help me with trust, I had already done this but these were new ones or just reinforcing old things on the list. Months ago I asked for passwords and access to all his electronics, he ignored me. So, I hacked my way into all his email accounts and electronics. I have been snooping behind his back for several months and really have found nothing. I had to confess or decided to when I found the Facebook message because to his knowledge I only had access to that stuff from his personal cell phone and I didnt have access to it that day because he was out and about running errands and so was I. Anyway, I confessed I had passwords and also confessed I had seen his internet history for months from the home laptop (his laptop), he uses google chrome which allowed his history from any device to be linked with the home laptop, so I could see his work laptop history, work cell phone and personal cell phone browsing history. After confessing this all of a sudden, I can only see history from the home laptop itself!!! I am so pissed about this and he claims that his work is getting really tight on security and he cannot help if they did something to cause this to happen. He is a techy person and I am not....I think he is lying about this! He showed quite a bit of remorse last night as we were talking (me always crying), apologized numerous times, which is what I need but I just dont believe the browsing history story and I still am having a hard time believing there is no trip. I guess only time will tell on that one because superbowl is less than a month away. I told him going back to that country is a dealbreaker for me. I told him he better let his job know he cannot go back over there and if he has to suck it up and tell them why...then so be it. The particular project they have going on over there is his project, he is the project manager!

Thanks for listening to me. Another thing is that I really only have him to talk to about this, I did tell one friend recently but not everything. I am such a private person and it is hard to even share it with everyone here.

Last thing, we have not gone to either IC or MC mainly because we cannot aford it right now. But WH said he would go, said "I will do whatever it takes". I hope to get into counselling by March or April, that is when my finances should get a bit better. I did buy a book called after the affair but I find it difficult to read just because I get so emotional and then cannot concentrate on what I am really reading, plus it is hard to do with my 16 and 20 year old hanging around. They dont know about the A either.

Any advice on what I can do until I get into counselling? Other books or coping techniques? Anything?!

Thanks again for listening...I feel so much better getting this down for others to read and respond to. I can actually get feedback rather than letting it all stay inside of me and eat me alive!

Frankie80 posted 1/10/2014 09:05 AM

I hope someone more knowledgable and experienced than me comes along soon to give you some advice.
It sounds like your H needs to be much more open and transparent with you. I'm sorry you're hurting so much, I too have only really told one friend. My parents know too but I try not to worry them with it. In a lot of ways I prefer it this way because I'm also a very private person-it took me ages to pluck up the courage to post on here! But on the other hand it means you acting like nothing's wrong when you're dying inside particularly difficult if you have kids no matter what age they are.
In terms of coping, keep posting here, writing down how you feel helped me-I used to just sit and write down everything that popped into my head and once it was out I got a bit of peace. Keep talking to your husband, it will help you to work out what you're dealing with if you get answers. Others will have better advice for you I'm sure but this helped me. Counselling will help, we're in MC and it helped my H to see and understand the real consequences of his actions and that my reaction was normal.
Oh and I deleted my profile for the same reason

IamDyingInside posted 1/10/2014 09:41 AM


Thanks for the reply! Unfortunately we all have the same thing in common, some of us more than others. I used to share everything with my mom; she passed away in June 2012. I often wonder if I would have told her about this, but I am sure I would have. She was my rock, we were so close. I am going to attempt to start reading the book I have and hopefully that will suffice until IC and MC. I only wish I would have started posting here along time ago and read through all the things in the healing library. I was just so overwhelmed and still am but I want to get to a place (in my head) that I can deal with this intellctually and not so much emotionally. It is sooo exhausting to say the least! Thanks again and have a great weekend!

karmahappens posted 1/10/2014 09:53 AM


no wonder why you are dying inside.

Your husband is a selfish, cheating asshat.

I am sorry to be blunt, but I don't think I need to even tell you this.

You are not in R, he is doing the minimum to keep you quieted down and continues to do whatever he pleases.

He is lying about NC, he spoke Spanish so you couldn't understand what he was saying to the OW....THAT is not honesty.

He has been cheating on you since the early years. You said you got over it, but you didn't there was never any healing or resolution. you swept it under the rug and took care of your babies, and he continued/continues to cheat.

If I were you I would 180 him, start healing you and walk away from this shitty behavior until he decides he wants to be a real man and husband...if he doesn't decide that I would be damn sure I was healthy enough to walk on my own.

I would start a $$ fund for myself, put a little in it each week. Consult an attorney.

Stop letting him walk all over you and treat you like you worthless.

Decide you are worth more! You are a good, loving, caring woman who has supported him through 20 years of infidelity. It stops when you say it does. Please get help for you and stand up to this.

You know it is true, your gut has already talked to you.

(((hugs))) Take care of you.

I am sorry for the 2x4, but someone needs to stand up for you!! You can do this!

IamDyingInside posted 1/10/2014 12:38 PM

Karmahappens, yes, I needed that reality check! Thank you very much! I decided a few days ago about starting 180; I am always just so tired and it seems like so much work. I have always been a people pleaser but I need to stop and I intend on getting my head out of my ass this weekend and working on myself! I am going to start going to the gym where I have been a member for years but never go! I have neglected myself for far too long and in the recent months have nutritionally wore my body down because of not eating, no appetite. Have lost over 30 pounds, my hair is falling out by the handful and the gray hair is pouring in!! I want to dive into this book but am thinking another book about self esteem or self worth would be better for me right now. Anybody have amu suggestions on a good book on those topics?

karmahappens posted 1/10/2014 14:29 PM

Good for you start taking steps to take care of yourself and things will fall into place. Start pleasing you......
The 180 will serve you well it's uncomfortable at first but will become easier with time.

DancinOnThinIce posted 1/10/2014 15:04 PM


I'm sorry you're here. I'm glad you found SI. I usually lurk, but I had to respond here.

I'm really bad at advice, but I'm techy enough. There is a setting you can change in your google account settings, I think that allows your browser history to be shared among other devices. It's very likely that he's changed that setting. I've done it so my kids can't find SI when they use my laptop.

Here's a link to info on Chrome:


Edit: I'm bad at typing. :P

[This message edited by DancinOnThinIce at 3:06 PM, January 10th (Friday)]

IamDyingInside posted 1/10/2014 15:46 PM

DancinOnThinIce, thanks for that but I actually did know this because I use chrome myself between my cell phone and laptop. He knows that too but is acting as if he has no earthly idea how this could have happened to the personal cell phone. I can only give the benefit of the doubt on the work laptop and phone. He says there are alot of security changes being made on what they can and cannot have installed on their computer. I dont know of I can argue that one with him. I cannot have chrome on my work laptop for sure. It sure is funny how I just told him I could see all his chrome history about a week ago. And his first day back from vacation was Monday. What a coincidence! Gag!

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