The guy she had an affair with works with her, but in an out of state office. He comes into town twice a month. He has been married for 15 years and has two kids. My first suspicion was when she went to go pick him up from the airport and drop him off at his hotel. It was a normal practice, nothing out of the ordinary. They ran the office, and liked to talk about team members when they could. But this time, she had put on makeup and unzipped her top to show cleavage.
This was an immediate red flag, because she had done the same thing to me a while back, and told me it was on purpose to seduce me. I asked her about it, and zipped up her top. She looked me in the eyes and said "I am not even going to dignify that with an answer. We are going to be chatting in the hotel lobby, and I don't want to look like a slob in front of everyone". I accepted the answer, begrudgingly, and she went on her way. But I didn't like it.
We stopped having sex, and she stopped engaging with me like she usually did. Anything I said to her, anything I did, seemed to put her out, like I was wasting her time. She started sleeping on the couch, and not coming to bed. It bothered me, but I didn't let it fester.
Fast forward a few weeks, and I have to borrow her computer for work. I don't like laptops. I use desktops, if I have to work, I am going to do it at a desk. I don't work wherever I go. But in this instance, I had to work remotely at a client's office. I ask her, and she protests, and makes a big deal about it. Finally she says I can use it the next day. She spends all night on the computer, doing whatever. I don't think anything of it, she's probably just surfing. Now I think she was cleaning up things so I wouldn't find anything.
I get to the client's the next day, open the browser, and her email is still logged in. In gmail, you can see the first sentence from an email. Well right there at the top, is an email from this co-worker who flies into town. He had sent her an email, with a link to a video drop his dropbox account. It said "If this turns you on, and causes you to act, send me snaps." Essentially saying, if you get horny, and start playing with yourself, send me snap chats of it.
Alarms are ringing like crazy. I can't focus on work. I am digging more now. And it turns out she had sent herself a link to a craigslist ad. Essentially the craigslist ad was about a couple who wanted to have a 3rd person (a woman) film them have sex in a hotel room. She's been looking up stuff on reddit about sexual activities, cheating spouses, and purchasing sex games, and edible body paint. At this point I am shaking, wanting to cry, but I tough it out and fight it out the next day or two.
Well Dec. 22nd, in the middle of the night, I want to know more. I look in her phone, and she deletes all texts from this guy, nothing there of importance. I look at her call log. There is a call in there that isn't a saved #. I google it, and it's a phone # for a swingers club here in town. At this point, I can't take it. I wake her up. Not intentionally, but I am sobbing so hard in bed, it's shaking. She keeps asking me what's wrong, but I can't say anything. After about 10 minutes, I finally brain dump it all. I tell her everything I've seen, and what I know.
She begins to deny everything. Says the swingers club was for a friend. Says she wanted to feel something. She's been upset with me for a while, she was freaking out, and just lost in herself. She swears up and down nothing sexual happened. I ask about the video, she says he sent her a porn, and she didn't even open it. She realized when she got that, that a line had been crossed. It wasn't his fault, she was just seeking for something she didn't know if she still wanted or not. She had gone to swingers clubs in her 20s, and wanted to see if that was something she still needed in her life. We argue and fight from like 3AM to 8AM. I fall asleep and wake up a few hours later. She says she hasn't slept, and has been thinking the entire time, and realizes she is so sorry, so embarrassed, and that she knows in her heart she sees me in her life for the next 20 years. And that she loves me.
It's a traumatic event, and right before Christmas, but we fight through it. We spend Christmas day with my family, and then fly out of state to visit her father for like 5 days. That week together, was wonderful. She starts getting closer to me, opening up to me, doing the little things of affection that have been missing for a while. I start to believe we'll get through this just fine. I felt no need to question her.
Then we leave her dad's and start driving back to the airport. She gets a text, and the phone is in the center console. She opens it and I see it's a text from this guy. And he's sent her a lot. My heart sinks. I didn't read the texts, I just saw there was a lot. I confront her, and ask "Are you going to continue being friends with this guy?"
Her answer? "Probably".
Oh man is this woman selfish. She was jealous of a girl years ago, and didn't want me to have contact with her. So for HER peace of mind, not only did I tell this girl to stop contacting me, I changed my number so just in case she did ever text me unsolicited, it wouldn't cause problems. I present her with this information, and I could see the look on her face, that she knew I was right. But she wasn't going to say anything, she will never do that. She doesn't want to solve, she wants to win.
So we go to bed that night, but I can't sleep. I know she isn't being honest, and that's what I need. I need complete honesty to start moving forward. She makes up stories, and changes passwords. She gets more secretive. The next morning I tell her I want to see those texts he sent. Show me your phone. She obliges, and there's 2 texts. She deleted them all. Alarms going off. I mention this, she says nothing. Then I say OK lemme check your email. Then she FREAKS out grabbing for her phone. Yanks it out of my hand "I am not going to go through this. This is what I don't want to happen for the rest of my life". Guess what, you got us here, so yes, you have to deal with it. She goes in the kitchen, so I pull out her tablet, and check her email. She emailed him the day after Christmas talking about how boring the town we were in was, and that she'll send pictures. Hope he's having a good day.
He replies the next day, and says "Hey I was thinking, due to recent events, does that mean you're going to be able to spend the night with me Monday night?"
Complete devastation. Re-read that. Not only was she continuing to speak with him, but knowing full well I knew what was going on, they were making plans to hook up next time he came into town. He KNEW our marriage was on the rocks, and said F--- it, that means I get more sex. Yeah, a real winner.
I run to the kitchen and confront her. She still has no answers. We cancel new years eve plans and just stay in. But I am STILL left without honesty and answers.
At this point, all I want is her to start opening up. Admit you made mistakes and show me you actually care about me, and you really want to set things right.
I go to bed, and I decide to check craigslist. That add is on the front page again. The ad, that was posted two weeks ago, has been updated SIX HOURS AGO. I am livid by now. I create a fake email, pull some pics off the internet and reply to it.
Well, the next day I got a reply. And it was from the other guy, he included a pic; it was of him and her at her office Christmas party she didn't want me to go too. My heart sinks. I press, and start getting as many details as I can. He tells me all kinds of details. They went to a swingers club to have sex in public, and decide to go back to his hotel and have sex, and they film it. I convince him to send it to me. And there it is; I am sitting in my office, watching my wife have sex with this man.
I suffer through these emails, getting as much info as I can. The last email he sent was saying she didn't know he was corresponding with me, but needed to check with her if she was still good to go. She was nervous about it, but REALLY wanted to do it. I missed those details in my blind rage, and left work. I start my commute home, and she calls. Says she is running an errand and will bring dinner home with our nephew. I tell her don't bother. I know everything. I have seen everything. She has nothing to say. She says she will just go home and get her stuff. I call her a terrible name, and hang up. I immediately call the other man. And I swear on everything, if his wife would have answered, it would have been a bad day for everyone. But he answered.
I confront him, and tell him the person he's been emailing with all day, was me. He has nothing to say either. I ask him if she texted him and told him that I knew on new years eve (i told her she had to if I was to ever trust her again; she said she did). He told me no, he had no idea I knew, and she never said anything like that. The only thing she told him is that she didn't care about me; I was a huge mistake. So my day is getting better. Everything tearful, loving statement she's ever made to me, meant nothing to her.
I tell him what I think of him, and hang up on him too. I am having a terrible commute home. She texts me, she is already at home and asks if I even want to see her. At this point, I have some weird calm form over me. I say I don't hate the idea. I don't care. I get home and she has two big suitcases on the bed. Packing her stuff. She starts crying, she tells me that none of this is my fault, she is so sorry, and I am a good person and that I should never think poorly of myself because of her terrible choices. I am numb, I want to scream, and I want to hug her. I want her to, FOR ONCE IN HER LIFE, be a big girl and fight instead of flee. My only real response I can remember is when she said "sorry just isn't enough". I said "I know". Everything else is a blur.
I tell her not to take everything, I don't want our nephew to know the issues, I ask her to just stay one night away, and come back tomorrow, and we'll work through it. She tells me the next day (last Friday), she is going to stay a few days away. I get a text this past Sunday from her asking if she can come over. She comes over, sits there for a bit, and just looks at me and says "so....I am not coming back".
I don't remember it all, but she goes on about how I deserve better, and she will NEVER be able to forgive herself. This has changed her for life. She believes in her heart that one day, even if we reconcile, I will wake up and just decide I hate her. And she is 100% in her decision, and she's telling me now so I have time to process it.
This is what hurts the most. I have been living with this for weeks now, and that's what I hate the most. I have done nothing but think. I lost 12lbs in in 10 days from not eating; just thinking. And in my heart, I know I am prepared to work on reconciliation at some point. I waited many years to find this woman. I passed on many, many other women over my life because I always knew, I would recognize who the best woman was when I found her.
And I still think she's a great woman. I have looked past the cheating; because I know it's not even the cheating. Her issues run deeper than that. I knew one day we would have something that tested our commitment. I knew one day something like this would happen. And I married her because I was prepared for them all, and wanted to be there for her when she worked through them all and had true growth as a person. I had prepared myself to accept whatever mistake she made. I feel tested, and am ready for the challenge. Marriage is a huge deal to me. I waited 37 years to even propose to a woman. I won't let some loser who doesn't respect women (and he doesn't; you should have heard what he said about my wife) ruin my life. While she gets smarter in her career, her inability to evolve internally & personally, puts her in terrible situations. And a good spouse sticks with you through the worst of times, so we can get to the best days of our lives.
And I still believe that, this very moment I am writing. But here it is later in the week, and I am still dying. Still trying to process. Had my first appointment with a therapist today, and it went well. She was scheduling me for the 18th, but I wanted to fast track it, guns blazing, I need help now, can we do it this Saturday? And she said "OH! of course". It was amusing at the time. :)
So I have all these emails. Everything I have seen, emails, phone #'s for people involved as well as people I think that should know, is burned to a DVD. I keep it with me at all times. I don't ever look at the content, I just hold onto it. So I can see it. Remind myself that this time, this time she doesn't just get to say she's sorry and everything goes back to normal. She doesn't get to just go on her merry way throughout life pretending this never happened. That's what she does. This time, she has to take her fingers out of her ears, and confront the situation head on. I deleted all records from everywhere else. It's all on this one DVD. It's a symbol for myself.
I want to contact this other man's wife, and tell her what's been going on. I would want to know. I feel when you marry someone, honesty is top priority. This is what she was most adamant about, me not exposing them. She doesn't have any words for me, and what I have to go through. She is still, to this day, worried about her own ass. I will know when I see her if I should inform this other woman, or if I should just snap it and throw it in the trash.
Again, that's the worst part. I want nothing more than to put in the hard work through these bad days, to get to the best days of our lives. The only way I can describe her actions lately, are of a coward. I am willing to forgive and move on. However she takes the easy way out and leaves. That's the worst part, is she has made me feel like I don't matter.
<edit> wow this was long. Hah.
[This message edited by lovetoloveher at 12:35 AM, January 10th (Friday)]