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lovetoloveher posted 1/10/2014 00:08 AM

The guy she had an affair with works with her, but in an out of state office. He comes into town twice a month. He has been married for 15 years and has two kids. My first suspicion was when she went to go pick him up from the airport and drop him off at his hotel. It was a normal practice, nothing out of the ordinary. They ran the office, and liked to talk about team members when they could. But this time, she had put on makeup and unzipped her top to show cleavage.

This was an immediate red flag, because she had done the same thing to me a while back, and told me it was on purpose to seduce me. I asked her about it, and zipped up her top. She looked me in the eyes and said "I am not even going to dignify that with an answer. We are going to be chatting in the hotel lobby, and I don't want to look like a slob in front of everyone". I accepted the answer, begrudgingly, and she went on her way. But I didn't like it.

We stopped having sex, and she stopped engaging with me like she usually did. Anything I said to her, anything I did, seemed to put her out, like I was wasting her time. She started sleeping on the couch, and not coming to bed. It bothered me, but I didn't let it fester.

Fast forward a few weeks, and I have to borrow her computer for work. I don't like laptops. I use desktops, if I have to work, I am going to do it at a desk. I don't work wherever I go. But in this instance, I had to work remotely at a client's office. I ask her, and she protests, and makes a big deal about it. Finally she says I can use it the next day. She spends all night on the computer, doing whatever. I don't think anything of it, she's probably just surfing. Now I think she was cleaning up things so I wouldn't find anything.

I get to the client's the next day, open the browser, and her email is still logged in. In gmail, you can see the first sentence from an email. Well right there at the top, is an email from this co-worker who flies into town. He had sent her an email, with a link to a video drop his dropbox account. It said "If this turns you on, and causes you to act, send me snaps." Essentially saying, if you get horny, and start playing with yourself, send me snap chats of it.

Alarms are ringing like crazy. I can't focus on work. I am digging more now. And it turns out she had sent herself a link to a craigslist ad. Essentially the craigslist ad was about a couple who wanted to have a 3rd person (a woman) film them have sex in a hotel room. She's been looking up stuff on reddit about sexual activities, cheating spouses, and purchasing sex games, and edible body paint. At this point I am shaking, wanting to cry, but I tough it out and fight it out the next day or two.

Well Dec. 22nd, in the middle of the night, I want to know more. I look in her phone, and she deletes all texts from this guy, nothing there of importance. I look at her call log. There is a call in there that isn't a saved #. I google it, and it's a phone # for a swingers club here in town. At this point, I can't take it. I wake her up. Not intentionally, but I am sobbing so hard in bed, it's shaking. She keeps asking me what's wrong, but I can't say anything. After about 10 minutes, I finally brain dump it all. I tell her everything I've seen, and what I know.

She begins to deny everything. Says the swingers club was for a friend. Says she wanted to feel something. She's been upset with me for a while, she was freaking out, and just lost in herself. She swears up and down nothing sexual happened. I ask about the video, she says he sent her a porn, and she didn't even open it. She realized when she got that, that a line had been crossed. It wasn't his fault, she was just seeking for something she didn't know if she still wanted or not. She had gone to swingers clubs in her 20s, and wanted to see if that was something she still needed in her life. We argue and fight from like 3AM to 8AM. I fall asleep and wake up a few hours later. She says she hasn't slept, and has been thinking the entire time, and realizes she is so sorry, so embarrassed, and that she knows in her heart she sees me in her life for the next 20 years. And that she loves me.

It's a traumatic event, and right before Christmas, but we fight through it. We spend Christmas day with my family, and then fly out of state to visit her father for like 5 days. That week together, was wonderful. She starts getting closer to me, opening up to me, doing the little things of affection that have been missing for a while. I start to believe we'll get through this just fine. I felt no need to question her.

Then we leave her dad's and start driving back to the airport. She gets a text, and the phone is in the center console. She opens it and I see it's a text from this guy. And he's sent her a lot. My heart sinks. I didn't read the texts, I just saw there was a lot. I confront her, and ask "Are you going to continue being friends with this guy?"

Her answer? "Probably".

Oh man is this woman selfish. She was jealous of a girl years ago, and didn't want me to have contact with her. So for HER peace of mind, not only did I tell this girl to stop contacting me, I changed my number so just in case she did ever text me unsolicited, it wouldn't cause problems. I present her with this information, and I could see the look on her face, that she knew I was right. But she wasn't going to say anything, she will never do that. She doesn't want to solve, she wants to win.

So we go to bed that night, but I can't sleep. I know she isn't being honest, and that's what I need. I need complete honesty to start moving forward. She makes up stories, and changes passwords. She gets more secretive. The next morning I tell her I want to see those texts he sent. Show me your phone. She obliges, and there's 2 texts. She deleted them all. Alarms going off. I mention this, she says nothing. Then I say OK lemme check your email. Then she FREAKS out grabbing for her phone. Yanks it out of my hand "I am not going to go through this. This is what I don't want to happen for the rest of my life". Guess what, you got us here, so yes, you have to deal with it. She goes in the kitchen, so I pull out her tablet, and check her email. She emailed him the day after Christmas talking about how boring the town we were in was, and that she'll send pictures. Hope he's having a good day.

He replies the next day, and says "Hey I was thinking, due to recent events, does that mean you're going to be able to spend the night with me Monday night?"

Complete devastation. Re-read that. Not only was she continuing to speak with him, but knowing full well I knew what was going on, they were making plans to hook up next time he came into town. He KNEW our marriage was on the rocks, and said F--- it, that means I get more sex. Yeah, a real winner.

I run to the kitchen and confront her. She still has no answers. We cancel new years eve plans and just stay in. But I am STILL left without honesty and answers.

At this point, all I want is her to start opening up. Admit you made mistakes and show me you actually care about me, and you really want to set things right.

I go to bed, and I decide to check craigslist. That add is on the front page again. The ad, that was posted two weeks ago, has been updated SIX HOURS AGO. I am livid by now. I create a fake email, pull some pics off the internet and reply to it.

Well, the next day I got a reply. And it was from the other guy, he included a pic; it was of him and her at her office Christmas party she didn't want me to go too. My heart sinks. I press, and start getting as many details as I can. He tells me all kinds of details. They went to a swingers club to have sex in public, and decide to go back to his hotel and have sex, and they film it. I convince him to send it to me. And there it is; I am sitting in my office, watching my wife have sex with this man.

I suffer through these emails, getting as much info as I can. The last email he sent was saying she didn't know he was corresponding with me, but needed to check with her if she was still good to go. She was nervous about it, but REALLY wanted to do it. I missed those details in my blind rage, and left work. I start my commute home, and she calls. Says she is running an errand and will bring dinner home with our nephew. I tell her don't bother. I know everything. I have seen everything. She has nothing to say. She says she will just go home and get her stuff. I call her a terrible name, and hang up. I immediately call the other man. And I swear on everything, if his wife would have answered, it would have been a bad day for everyone. But he answered.

I confront him, and tell him the person he's been emailing with all day, was me. He has nothing to say either. I ask him if she texted him and told him that I knew on new years eve (i told her she had to if I was to ever trust her again; she said she did). He told me no, he had no idea I knew, and she never said anything like that. The only thing she told him is that she didn't care about me; I was a huge mistake. So my day is getting better. Everything tearful, loving statement she's ever made to me, meant nothing to her.

I tell him what I think of him, and hang up on him too. I am having a terrible commute home. She texts me, she is already at home and asks if I even want to see her. At this point, I have some weird calm form over me. I say I don't hate the idea. I don't care. I get home and she has two big suitcases on the bed. Packing her stuff. She starts crying, she tells me that none of this is my fault, she is so sorry, and I am a good person and that I should never think poorly of myself because of her terrible choices. I am numb, I want to scream, and I want to hug her. I want her to, FOR ONCE IN HER LIFE, be a big girl and fight instead of flee. My only real response I can remember is when she said "sorry just isn't enough". I said "I know". Everything else is a blur.

I tell her not to take everything, I don't want our nephew to know the issues, I ask her to just stay one night away, and come back tomorrow, and we'll work through it. She tells me the next day (last Friday), she is going to stay a few days away. I get a text this past Sunday from her asking if she can come over. She comes over, sits there for a bit, and just looks at me and says "so....I am not coming back".

I don't remember it all, but she goes on about how I deserve better, and she will NEVER be able to forgive herself. This has changed her for life. She believes in her heart that one day, even if we reconcile, I will wake up and just decide I hate her. And she is 100% in her decision, and she's telling me now so I have time to process it.

This is what hurts the most. I have been living with this for weeks now, and that's what I hate the most. I have done nothing but think. I lost 12lbs in in 10 days from not eating; just thinking. And in my heart, I know I am prepared to work on reconciliation at some point. I waited many years to find this woman. I passed on many, many other women over my life because I always knew, I would recognize who the best woman was when I found her.

And I still think she's a great woman. I have looked past the cheating; because I know it's not even the cheating. Her issues run deeper than that. I knew one day we would have something that tested our commitment. I knew one day something like this would happen. And I married her because I was prepared for them all, and wanted to be there for her when she worked through them all and had true growth as a person. I had prepared myself to accept whatever mistake she made. I feel tested, and am ready for the challenge. Marriage is a huge deal to me. I waited 37 years to even propose to a woman. I won't let some loser who doesn't respect women (and he doesn't; you should have heard what he said about my wife) ruin my life. While she gets smarter in her career, her inability to evolve internally & personally, puts her in terrible situations. And a good spouse sticks with you through the worst of times, so we can get to the best days of our lives.

And I still believe that, this very moment I am writing. But here it is later in the week, and I am still dying. Still trying to process. Had my first appointment with a therapist today, and it went well. She was scheduling me for the 18th, but I wanted to fast track it, guns blazing, I need help now, can we do it this Saturday? And she said "OH! of course". It was amusing at the time. :)

So I have all these emails. Everything I have seen, emails, phone #'s for people involved as well as people I think that should know, is burned to a DVD. I keep it with me at all times. I don't ever look at the content, I just hold onto it. So I can see it. Remind myself that this time, this time she doesn't just get to say she's sorry and everything goes back to normal. She doesn't get to just go on her merry way throughout life pretending this never happened. That's what she does. This time, she has to take her fingers out of her ears, and confront the situation head on. I deleted all records from everywhere else. It's all on this one DVD. It's a symbol for myself.

I want to contact this other man's wife, and tell her what's been going on. I would want to know. I feel when you marry someone, honesty is top priority. This is what she was most adamant about, me not exposing them. She doesn't have any words for me, and what I have to go through. She is still, to this day, worried about her own ass. I will know when I see her if I should inform this other woman, or if I should just snap it and throw it in the trash.

Again, that's the worst part. I want nothing more than to put in the hard work through these bad days, to get to the best days of our lives. The only way I can describe her actions lately, are of a coward. I am willing to forgive and move on. However she takes the easy way out and leaves. That's the worst part, is she has made me feel like I don't matter.

<edit> wow this was long. Hah.

[This message edited by lovetoloveher at 12:35 AM, January 10th (Friday)]

mike7 posted 1/10/2014 00:26 AM

friend,

I know you are hurting. It is the hurt of loss. but honestly, your wife is right. It's too much. You need to respect yourself if you are to be happy. she filmed herself having sex with another man.

really.... you need to move on. I'm sorry.

unless you have some sort of beta male complex, there is no way you can ever be happy with what she did. it's to much.

And definitely out the OM to his wife. She deserves to know her husband is a piece of shit. Just like you needed to find out what a pathetic loser your wife is.

Please take care of yourself. Go out with friends, even if you don't want to. You can't isolate. It will kill you.

good luck.

TooAloof posted 1/10/2014 00:45 AM

so sorry Lovetoloveher!
There is so much to absorb from your post. I don't have much wisdom, but I think you did the right thing initially by telling her to go ahead and leave... But you shouldn't have told her to come back the next night. I know you want the semblance of normality in your house for the children's sake but normal is long gone and she should feel the brunt of her consequences immediately and without buffers/ cushions.

And, yes, inform the other betrayed spouse. As you said yourself, you would want to know. she deserves to know. And watch how quickly the OM throws your wife under the bus once their affair is exposed. this is scary stuff, and I was too scared to act decisively and it cost me big time. It sounds as though you are strong and you can do this.

I am sure you are reading, but check out the current posts with upwards of 14 pages in just found out, there is some good advice/info there. You'll be getting the same advice from the same people very soon, I am sure.

Also, read up on the 180, and apply it as a tool for your own healing.
Others with more insight and advice will come along, but hang in there. You are heard, and we all care.
This just sucks.
I lost about 20 pounds in less than a month when I found out about my WH (now X)'s infidelity. (that was actually a good side effect for me) You should try to stay hydrated at least, if possible.

You're not alone, I just wanted you to know that.

Sometimes the boards get a little quiet (weekends are really slow)---But I'm on the west coast and still awake, so I wanted to reach out,

Peace,
TA

lovetoloveher posted 1/10/2014 01:00 AM

Thank you, both of you. I know I should just cut all ties and forget about her. She is a POS. But it's too fresh, and although we've been together 4 years, our marriage is 4 months old.

We had a wedding on the beach, in front of our loved ones. Everyone, and I mean EVERYONE that meant anyone to us, was there. It was a wonderful, tearful ceremony. I know what triggered this with her. She got a job offer in another town, and wanted to move. I was ready to go, but I didn't offer the response she expected. This triggered a feeling in her that I wasn't supportive, and I expected her to be a Stepford wife; which is the farthest from the truth. But our interaction in that situation wasn't the best.

However, I do NOT blame myself. She took that discomfort, internalized it, came to her own conclusions on how I would react, and what was going to happen, without discussing with anyone, and mutated it into some perverse reasoning for her actions. She is totally at fault, and has given me many tearful explanations on how she knows it is.

Still, I want to try and make it better. I want to fix it, but I know in the part of my heart that I can't ignore, she won't try. So I sit here staring at a DVD filled with her disgusting past.

Thank you everyone for reaching out. I am still in the stage where I love myself, and can't even look myself in the mirror. Then I laugh and tell jokes, then my hands can't stop shaking. Thank you for calling me strong. I make an effort to remind myself of that; especially when I get screwed over (in any case, not just this). Rise above. Be the better person.

But sometimes, it's real hard...

Brandon808 posted 1/10/2014 01:03 AM

Still, I want to try and make it better. I want to fix it, but I know in the part of my heart that I can't ignore, she won't try. So I sit here staring at a DVD filled with her disgusting past.

And to put it in more perspective that DVD isn't filled with her past. It is very much in the present.

Get a lawyer asap and protect yourself.

headdesk posted 1/10/2014 01:09 AM

So sorry that this has happened to you. I just want to say that you're doing amazing. Even in the midst of your pain, you've kept a clear head and done the right things to do. Double kudos on being able to get a therapist and talk about this stuff.

Also, you've nailed it. She's a broken person who didn't learn how to evolve. It is what got her here, just as it was how my WH got where he did. It isn't about you at all, it's about her inability to deal in a healthy manner.

So kudos. Life is gonna suck for a while and there's no getting around that, but hopefully the folks and info here can make it suck a little less for you.

lovetoloveher posted 1/10/2014 01:27 AM

I already emailed the family attorney (my father's attorney) and asked him for recommendations. I am going to consult with anyone he recommends, and 20 others that are top rated in our town. From what I understand, as long as they talk to me, they won't be able to represent her. So she will have to hire a shlep or fly someone into town.

I agree. I am going to tell his wife. My wife, will be out of town (where he lives) for 2014 planning for the company next week. That's the next milestone for me. She already hates him now, because I had to watch that video because he was sooooo stupid and sent it to a stranger. I don't worry (nor do I care) if they ever do anything together again. But I want it to happen while she is in town. For my own personal satisfaction, I want her to be alone, in a hotel, that not only did she fail at our marriage, across town, there is another marriage failing because of her.

I have to think through that a lot, I give myself a few days before taking action on anything. I tend to vocalize my actions immediately, but the very next reaction is to reflect on those words. Am I doing it because it matters to someone other than me? Am I doing it to get some sort of self-satisfaction/revenge? Why am I doing this?

I keep coming back to the sex in public. Sex in front of and with strangers. The unprotected sex. A spouse should know.

[This message edited by lovetoloveher at 1:28 AM, January 10th (Friday)]

headdesk posted 1/10/2014 01:43 AM

Taking time to really figure out what you want won't cost you a thing. It's a really healthy thing to do.

Yeah, if you officially consult with those lawyers, they cannot represent her.

Good that you're telling the other BS - I know I'd want to know, even though it's horrible. Be prepared to provide proof (that good ol' DVD's copy or something else). He's had a heads up from you so he's had the chance to either gaslight his wife into thinking you're a homicidal puppy mutilating crazy man OR he's come out and told her that he was cheating, but has likely minimized and TT'd the hell out of her. I really can't see a scuz like him as having come out and told her the full ugly truth. So be forewarned that she may reject you off the top, you have to be clear right up front what you have 100% proof of that you'll send her if she wants. If you mail anything to her, make sure it requires her signature and ID to accept.

lovetoloveher posted 1/10/2014 01:54 AM

He's had a heads up from you so he's had the chance to either gaslight his wife into thinking you're a homicidal puppy mutilating crazy man OR he's come out and told her that he was cheating, but has likely minimized and TT'd the hell out of her.

I've been thinking about this for days. What are my first 3 sentences/phrases to her? How do I prepare the fact she may hang up immediately, etc.

I think he's really of the opinion I am not going to blow them up. He's been tweeting like crazy, talking about stuff he is happy about. The only thing I have noticed is (1) he was supposed to be in town this week; he cancelled his trip immediately when I called him. And (2) he tweeted something about a video game, and mentioned in it "Don't mind losing my job today".

He said, often on our call, that "OMG...She really said that to you?" He thought our marriage was in the same state his was in. He offered up and said it wasn't good, but he told me she said ours wasn't either.

He kept repeated it. "She said that to you? She really loves you? OMG man, I am sooooooo sorry. Please...I am sooooo sorry...I had no idea. I thought it was so much worse. Try hard, I hope you guys can work it out...."

His tone, and his repetition of those statements, led me to believe he was genuine. You know when you can hear it in someone's voice? I heard it in his. He really had no idea. He knew she was married, and don't get me wrong, he knew he was crossing a line. But I really believe he got sucked in just as bad as I did.

So at this point, I am trying to think through the most delicate way to tell this other man's wife. Because how I found out, was terrible. I don't wish this on anyone. Even my ex. Nut she has to know.

[This message edited by lovetoloveher at 1:56 AM, January 10th (Friday)]

lovetoloveher posted 1/10/2014 02:04 AM

Also, I sent her a text tonight. Told her, the second she wakes up in the morning, I am tired of waiting for a response from her. She will either know if she feels reconciliation is in our future, or she just wants her stuff. And if she is silent, I take that as a disregard to our life, and her effort.

I have drawn a line in the sand. I know. I should have already, there's an entire page of reasons of why I shouldn't have even sent that.

But today, right now. I need to make her choose a life alternating decision. "I don't have answers" is no longer acceptable. Someone who is willing to try, would at least have one. I don't know much, but I know that. Tomorrow, is going to be wild. :)

[This message edited by lovetoloveher at 2:05 AM, January 10th (Friday)]

BAB61 posted 1/10/2014 02:04 AM

(((Lovetoloveher)))

Just a thought...do you really want her to hire a lousy L? This might actually come back to bite you. Consult with the top 5 or so ...

Just a FYI, your WW sounds likd SA (Sex Addict) ..so is very broken.

lovetoloveher posted 1/10/2014 02:06 AM

do you really want her to hire a lousy L? This might actually come back to bite you.

Please explain.

allatsea posted 1/10/2014 02:11 AM

There are many parallels in our respective stories.

There is zero remorse or genuine regret and this is a red flag. You have caught her in the midst of her kinky liaisons and she won't give them up easily, despite what she says.

I know you still love and have feelings for her but I can speak from painful experience that those feelings are for someone you thought existed but doesn't.

If you ever want your relationship to have a chance of being repaired you must isolate her and proceed with separation to ensure she gets it. She has proven herself to be a liar and there is no reason that anything else she now says isn't also a lie.

I am so sorry you are with us

allatsea posted 1/10/2014 02:12 AM

I like your username. Taken from a Fleetwood Mac song title?

lovetoloveher posted 1/10/2014 02:24 AM

I also need to admit. There is more than one DVD. I made a bunch of copies. There's a txt file on each DVD of exact instructions (for myself) in case of emergency. They were detailed instructions of what I should do in a rage. I put all contact information of all involved parties, as well as websites that would be really interested in this infertility.

And I wrote the name of the website in sharpie on the actual DVD. At first it was for myself, but then I made a bunch of copies. And I stuck them everywhere. You have to remind yourself not to get sucked into lies every again, right? You can't tell me you were just meeting in the lobby to discuss employee relations, when I see you being unfaithful.

However, I have lost some of those DVDs. And it's KILLING me. We walked through many days with our nephew while he was in town, pretending life was well. I mean come on, he is an innocent bystander. Why should he suffer for our sins? Why should he not enjoy family time because my wife prefers to be a slut who enjoys public humiliation?

I don't wish that pain. This pain. On anyone.

mike7 posted 1/10/2014 02:26 AM

please, please don't go down the path of begging and pleading for her. I've seen way too many BH's take that path and they bring months and months of hell upon themselves.

The only chance you have is to bring her to her knees, immediately. If you give in on anything right now, she will lose all respect for you.

honestly, how could she respect a husband that saw her have public sex on a video that was emailed to him from a stranger, and still wanted to reconcile.

I'm sorry to be blunt, but you need to hear it.

if I were you, I'd make sure the other BS got a copy of it. And I might even let their supervisor's know. What company wants employees that are sending out sex videos of themselves?

again, I'm sorry to be blunt, but I'm trying to help you. If you are not strong, if you move that line in the sand again and again, she will treat you like shit.

lovetoloveher posted 1/10/2014 02:26 AM

I like your username. Taken from a Fleetwood Mac song title?

No I chose it because it used to make her laugh. I often told her, I love to love, and hate to hate. And in the beginning, she thought it was clever.

It reminded me of a time long passed.

trojan007 posted 1/10/2014 02:28 AM

Hey buddy Man I just read all your post. And I feel bad for you to be thrown in that situation watching your wife on a video wow..! that is unbelievable. You're definitely handling the situation in a positive way. I know you love her but you got understand she is a very sick is broken woman to do what she has done. By no means is that acceptable behavior. Four months after your wedding wow she's broken dude.

Best thing you can for yourself file for divorce. apply the 180 make sure you have control the situation. It's going to get worse before it gets better. I don't know what the other poster was implying about her getting a lousy lawyer. That's the only Consequence for her actions I wouldn't worry about it too much. Good luck buddy keep posted

lovetoloveher posted 1/10/2014 02:31 AM

There is zero remorse or genuine regret and this is a red flag. You have caught her in the midst of her kinky liaisons and she won't give them up easily, despite what she says.

There's remorse. But in her child-like state, she has no ability to process something this big. If it was someone else's baggage, she would have the perfect advice. For herslef? Clueless...

again, I'm sorry to be blunt, but I'm trying to help you. If you are not strong, if you move that line in the sand again and again, she will treat you like shit.

I need blunt. Don't apologize. I am anxiously waiting the morning. I want to know how she responds to my ultimatum. Whether or not she gets publicly exposed (b/c of lost DVD), curious what the response is. Does she care about us? Or does she care about her career?

lovetoloveher posted 1/10/2014 02:34 AM

And I feel bad for you to be thrown in that situation watching your wife on a video wow..! that is unbelievable.

Life changing, mentally breaking, monment. I take solice in the fact when she was with me, it was out of love. What she did on film, was lifelong baggage. That she now has to deal with, for the rest of her life.

[This message edited by lovetoloveher at 2:37 AM, January 10th (Friday)]