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5 Months Since D-day

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whyme1525 posted 1/10/2014 00:22 AM

So it's been 5 months since D-day and might I say they were the worst months of my life. So I'm just wondering is it normal for me to still not know what I want to do with my marriage I still go back and forth constantly on wether I should give her what she wants and try to reconcile or just walk out and say that's it I can't forgive or fotget what you've done to me and my life.. please tell me I'm not alone in still not knowing 5 months after D-day what I want to do.. if you need you can find my whole story in previous post I'm just not in the mood to go thru every despicable thing she did to me when she had he year and a half long affair.... thanks in advance for all your help!!!!!!

Brandon808 posted 1/10/2014 00:29 AM

Hell no you''''re not alone. I spent months after dday #2 just existing. Dday #2!!! I stuffed it down. In the end it was a dealbreaker for me. However, my xww could not ever even bring herself to admit she cheated no matter what it cost her. In that regard my situation is different from yours. I don''''t know what I would have done if had a truly remorseful WW who was able to own her sh*t.

ETA: whyme, I just re-read some of your first posts. It''s still your call but I can tell you that I could not personally think of R with a woman who did that in my marital bed while I was in the hospital. I would also question her sincerity in wanting R. I am biased because my xww couldn''t hold down a job and wanted to avoid D so I would support her. I''m afraid your WW is scared of having to support herself. She got herself fired over the A and that still wasn''t enough to get her to quit. Just my admittedly biased perspective brother.

[This message edited by Brandon808 at 12:43 AM, January 10th, 2014 (Friday)]

BAB61 posted 1/10/2014 02:13 AM

Normal is a setting on a dryer.... when talking about humans ... it's whatever. I'm not being flippant, what you do is not necessarily what someone else would do. The POS I married brought a 'family friend' over for the weekend ... turns out they spent the night before boinking. Who knows what they did in MY house while my kids & I were upstairs sleeping! I kicked HIM out, doing the mandatory 6 month separation then filing. I am worth more!

trojan007 posted 1/10/2014 03:31 AM

Good to see you back posting on here. Unfortunately not the ideal situation. So how was she been acting the last five months. Is she truly showing Remorse . Or do you think she's sorry she got caught. Wasn't she posting on here I see that hasn't lasted. Not a good sign. Is she working the save the marriage or is it you doing the work.? You have the right to not want to reconcile. After what she did to the marriage. Her choice to deceive you while you were in the hospital. Completely ignoring your calls while she was in your house in and in your bed fucking the OM.!!! she took the opportunity knowing you're stuck in the hospital. That's a hard one to get past. If she is capable of doing that. She's already showed her character is questionable. She made a horrible choice to betray you. You got to ask yourself are you willing to live in fear. Our move on and find somebody that will love you and will not betray you. It's all up to you now... Good luck keep posting.

[This message edited by trojan007 at 3:39 AM, January 10th (Friday)]

damaged71 posted 1/10/2014 12:51 PM

I can tell you this... I am at 20 months past D-day and sometimes I think "I'm not sure this was worth it" and my wife has been great.

Something you mentioned in previous posts is that you don't have any children. Both me and my FWW will both tell you if not for my son we would be done. I would have walked in a heart beat and I was madly in love with my wife. At 5 months if you don't have kids and she hasn't made an overwhelming show of remorse and doing the work it takes for HER to get YOU past this, is she ever?

This is how I look at it. The world is almost exclusively populated with women that haven't cheated on me. Why would I want to be with one of the few that have?

Sorry to be a downer but there are stages of this that you haven't even entered. You are supposed to be in the place where you really want to keep it all together. Wait until year two and the so-called "Plain of lethal flatness". Yes it's real.

I literally made a pro/con list. Make one and see how it stacks up. Your marriage should be mutually beneficial arrangement. If it's not, is it ever going to be? Are you just a support structure for her lifestyle? These are hard questions you have to ask yourself.

Good luck.

[This message edited by damaged71 at 12:52 PM, January 10th (Friday)]

OK now posted 1/10/2014 19:40 PM

If your marriage is to succeed your wife has to respect you. She cheated with the OM in your marriage bed while you were ill in hospital. Does that sound like respect?

Right now she would sell her soul to keep her secure, comfortable marriage. Thats whats she's in love with.

whyme1525 posted 1/11/2014 07:36 AM

All the questions you bring up I ask myself everyday. Sometimes I really truly think that the only reason she wants to R is because she is afraid to be alone afraid not to be able to live the way she used too. I ask myself all the Time is she really sorry or just sorry she got caught. I also ask myself all the time if I can truly get over the fact that she had so little respect for me that she was willing to do it in my bed while I was lying in a hospital bed.. All she can say is she doesn't know why she did it and that's why she is going to ic. The only thing that has been said is this all relates back to issues with her farther during her childhood and has nothing to do with me. I Have expressed to our mc numerous times that I just don't understand what that has to do with me the way I look at it is if she had problems with her father and that he wasn't there for her why would you turn around and hurt the only person who was there for you it just doesn't make sense to me!!!!!!!!!

OK now posted 1/11/2014 12:23 PM

Same old 'I don't know why I did it' nonsense. Your wife almost certainly knows why she did it, its just that you wouldn't like the answer! So she acts baffled, as if she contracted an illness that made her lose control.

If she lost respect for you, thought you were a disappointment as a husband, classified you as a poor lover, bored to death with the marriage, bored to death with you, was no longer physically attracted to you; would you expect to tell you any of these things? Or keep her mouth shut and parrot that she doesn't know. A complete mystery no less.

You need to find out why she lost respect for you as her husband, then work on ways of getting that respect back. Or give up and write the marriage off. Your call.

tara1110 posted 1/11/2014 20:25 PM

Hello whyme

I am also 5 months post dday. I guess the difference between our case is that your WS is remorseful. Mine is not. And that made me see the light and make plans to move on without him. He gets deployed in a week and to be with his GF again (I won't even label her OW anymore because I've been fired as his wife since he decided to have an affair) and me, my son and my 2 dogs are moving out of state closer to my family.

I felt how you feel now about 3 months post dday and he didn't even show any real remorse. He will once in a while hug me but go back to communicating with his bitch so I told him he needs to leave. We're separated now but still spends a lot of time at the house to see our son. It was hard but I forced myself to focus on moving on.

I read somewhere here that love takes time to grow and it takes time to die. I guess there's really no time line on when we finally decide to R or to end the marriage, especially in your situation. Mine was sooner because WS is a dick and I see it now and I am actually hoping he does not come crawling back to me if things don't work out with them because I certainly am not a back up plan and I KNOW that me and my son will be better off without him... Unless he magically changes back into this old man I fell in love with and married... I don't see that happening now, or in the near future or even in years. Until then I think I'm better off without him.

((( HUGS)))

trojan007 posted 1/12/2014 04:51 AM

Hey buddy I hope everything is okay with you, let us know how you're doing keep posting updates

Gotmegood posted 1/12/2014 22:07 PM

Why me - My DDay was 5 months ago as well, and I cannot tell you how my thoughts fluctuate between working on things, and walking away. I see positives from either decision, and I see negatives from both sides as well. I am right now at a point where there are several things I am demanding of WH (counseling being number 1) , and I will see how this pans out. At the beginning I would mentally make deadlines.
I'm not doing that anymore. I figure I'll know when I know. I believe in myself a little more now. So that's how I'm playing it. So, not much help to you as your sitch is unique to you, but it's not at all strange I don't think to not know at 5 months out. Good luck to both of us, huh?

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