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grains posted 1/10/2014 01:26 AM

(I had to redo the title to my post for clarity.)

My BS reads my post. In the beginning I felt uncomfortable and defensive about it. Sometimes it actually made me reluctant to post. Now I welcome it as an opportunity to be open to her. It is a way for her to know my thoughts and feelings. We discuss what I have posted and sometimes we edit it together to help make my thoughts a lot clearer. It is one of the tools I discovered that can help in reconciliation and recovery. What has been your experience as a WS or a BS? Is it helping?

[This message edited by grains at 1:45 AM, January 10th (Friday)]

Scorpio2310 posted 1/10/2014 07:00 AM

Grains,

I could write the same thing. I felt uncomfortable at first, too. And I have had the same turn around in thinking as well. I'll post when I am not with her, then when I come home to my BSO I will read my post and she will then give her thoughts on it.

It is one of the tools I discovered that can help in reconciliation and recovery.

You are so right! My BSO says that it help her to know what is going on in my head, if I'm really working on recovering the relationship, and feel secure because I am being completely open with her.

wario posted 1/10/2014 07:06 AM

I used to feel uncomfortable about it too and was reluctant to post. Now I assume she will read it sometime and use that fact as a way of expressing myself to her. Why not just tell her something, well I'm not quite there yet in my communication skills so the posts do provide a means of editing what I want to say.

Hope this is helpful

Wario

astudentoflife posted 1/10/2014 07:27 AM

I don't mind. I am honest with my BS. The only thing I wouldn't put here is when I am confused about things and it would look like I was trying to blame her for something. I keep those type of things for my councilor and work through them to get to the real truth, rather than post something that may hurt my BS.

Alyssamd24 posted 1/10/2014 07:30 AM

I agree with what the others have said...it made me uncomfortable at first, but I know it was helpful to him cuz he could really get into my head and see what I was thinking and feeling.

I know that every couple of days he looks to see what I post and we will usually discuss it....what i wrote and felt and then the reactions/responses from others.

I think it has been beneficial to us and kinda wish he would post more often but I know he isn't as comfortable with it as I am.

spond posted 1/10/2014 07:46 AM

It's nice to see my WS post. It sometimes helps me understand what sort of pain she is going through.

Prayingforhope posted 1/10/2014 11:29 AM

I learned from other posts like this that it can help the healing process for BS to read these posts and private journals, etc.

The honest response though is I have no feelings about it because I have no idea if my BS reads my posts or not, I have no idea if she reads my journal or not - and I want to keep it that way.

The important thing for me IS SHE CAN IF SHE WANTS TO. She has access to everything. So if it helps now or maybe in the future if it could help, etc. she knows where it all is.

I want her to have everything and then use her own judgement with her IC on what is helpful to her process.

kmom2662 posted 1/10/2014 20:43 PM

I used to be uncomfortable that H was reading my posts, and I would leave things out that I thought would be awkward. Now, I kind of like it. It gives him another view into my thinking process, and I have stopped trying to shield him, even if I'm worried it will be painful. He has told me that he wants honesty, even if it's difficult.

I read a lot of his posts too; sometimes things are easier to write than to say out loud.

[This message edited by kmom2662 at 8:45 PM, January 10th (Friday)]

RegretfulHusband posted 1/10/2014 20:55 PM

How did you all tell your BS that you were joining? I told my wife that I joined, but I also told her (truthfully) that I was joining for a couple reasons:

1. To get my story out and vent with others who are going through something similar (which seems incredibly selfish but is true)

2. I am REALLY hoping that what I have been through can help someone else. Whether it's whether to tell the truth, how to open up, or just to vent, I want someone besides just me to benefit from the second chance I've been given.

I asked before about how you told them, because when I told my wife, she didn't seem the least bit interested. I would welcome her reading my posts if she wished to, but she hasn't shown any interest - so I'm not pushing it.

Cheers to you all.

kmom2662 posted 1/10/2014 21:42 PM

My BH was on SI before I was. I wanted to stay on separate sites, so we wouldn't read each other's posts, but I had a lot of trouble finding a board for WS's. after a few weeks, we decided it would be ok to inhabit the same board, and I think it's turned out to be a good thing.

[This message edited by kmom2662 at 9:43 PM, January 10th (Friday)]

grains posted 1/10/2014 22:15 PM

It was my BS that introduced me to SI. I was really not open to this site in the beginning. I started using it reluctantly. I did not realize it's value. It has been almost 3 years and it is only now that I fully understand its benefit as group therapy if used properly. I am very grateful for this. I have also seen how it can be unhelpful in that some do not go beyond self-validation and never begin to enter into a respectful relationship with their partner towards reconciliation. It is a difficult task and not everyone succeeds. Thank you for your responses. It is inspiring to know that we share a common experience in this. What truly touches me are the different ways each of you experience it and how you carry your work of reconciliation. Please keep sending your thoughts.

Wayflost posted 1/10/2014 23:03 PM

I too was brought here by my BH. I've told him I want him to read my posts. Maybe it will help, but more importantly I don't want to "hide" anything. If I can tell you, I should be able to tell him.

It's something all of this mess has taught me. It's still hard, but I'm hoping this helps.

Prayingforhope posted 1/11/2014 10:44 AM

How did you all tell your BS that you were joining?

I never told my BS I was joining, but since the registration and private messages send to my email account she could see I joined. Sortof one of those weird transparency things where we never discussed it because of NC, but she knows everything because she has my email.

grains posted 1/11/2014 22:27 PM

@Prayingforhope
I hope she is reading your posts. I am not really sure if the NC you have with your BS is helpful when it comes to positive efforts at reconciliation. Was it suggested by your MC?