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Frankie80 posted 1/10/2014 05:08 AM

Because my husbands affair was with a co worker I hate week days! It's worse when he's at the office in another city where he would stay over night... We considered him looking for another job but I feel that would just make things worse at this stage, I've now met his colleagues at that office and OW no longer works there. Also the other directors know what happened and so understand why he doesn't stay over anymore.
I have tried staying busy but thoughts of his A come up when I least expect it. His job is so intense and all consuming and I know that but sometimes hours will go by without contact and I start to panic. Then I get angry and by the time we speak it's not helpful.
He hasn't stayed over night at the other office since Dday #1 but next week he has to be there 2 days in a row for meetings. He has said he will commute and just leave early the second day to get there on time, but I feel like I want to say he can stay over. We're both exhausted from sleepless nights with our 6month old, and the extra ravel is starting to take its toll on him. I'm just scared of how I will feel knowing he's in a hotel room and not being able to be 100% sure he's alone.
Sorry this is so rambling and all over the place! It's the antiversary this week too and Christmas was tough.
Has anyone else been in the position where their spouse had to stay away after Dday? What did you/they do to make it easier?

Alex CR posted 1/10/2014 06:52 AM

SKYPE saved my mind when H had to travel after Dday.....We spent hours on SKYPE talking and playing games. Some members here wrote they left SKYPE on all night so they could see each other sleeping.....texting, answering the phone immediately, etc. all ways to keep in touch while a spouse is traveling.

There was a Travel thread by Chico, I think, and there were lots of good ideas there.

Take good care of yourself and know this is another step forward during R for those of where travel is a part of our lives. Together you can find a way to make this work. It takes a remorseful, transparent spouse working their hardest to help you heal and, that dreaded word, time.

Frankie80 posted 1/10/2014 08:46 AM

Thank you Alex, I hadn't even thought of Skype! And I will look up the travel thread.
It's horrible because on one level I know he isnt doing anything but knowing he is in the same city as her is bad enough-what if he bumps into her in a restaurant or even just on the street?! I believe he doesn't want to be with her but his addiction to the high she gave him kept him going back after Dday #1.
We have small children so once they're in bed I'll be alone and I think that's when it will hit me-this time last year he was using his overnight stays to sleep with her
I'm sick of thinking about it and when he's here it's much easier. One day I guess I'll have to be ok on my own again!

gutfeeling posted 1/10/2014 12:03 PM

H is planning a trip for work in Feb and I am very nervous. I think we are going to use facetime so that I can call and see that he is where he says he is etc.

Alex CR posted 1/10/2014 12:36 PM

I was concerned H would run into OW also....the odds were low but it could happen and I picked up another suggestion here at SI...practice. Practice and create a plan what to do if he alone or he and I run into OW.

At first my H thought I was nuts, but he understood I needed to feel safe so we talked about what would happen if he was standing at the train station and she walked up...or she walked up to him at his hotel...or one of her friends showed up and tried to talk to him.

NC, NC, NC..ignore and eye far as I know (although I believe my H has been honest with me but I will never again believe 100%) he has never run into her. Having a plan in place made me feel better though.

Dreamland posted 1/10/2014 13:58 PM

Well I am the one that travels. Two years ago to this date I left and he was playing with his gf.
I leave this weekend for the week and will do this for the next month. Unfortunately he calls or skypes rarely and I hate it. By the end of the week I am livid and can barely function.
I don't look forward to this and next months. It's high Avseason for me.

Dreamland posted 1/10/2014 13:58 PM

Well I am the one that travels. Two years ago to this date I left and he was playing with his gf.
I leave this weekend for the week and will do this for the next month. Unfortunately he calls or skypes rarely and I hate it. By the end of the week I am livid and can barely function.
I don't look forward to this and next months. It's high Avseason for me.

Frankie80 posted 1/13/2014 07:12 AM

Dreamland-I totally get how the anger builds up while they aren't in contact. My H knows I struggle when he's away but can't seem to find the time for just a quick text every now and again. I blew up about it over the weekend because we were talking about how to deal with it if he stayed over night. He said again how difficult it was to get in touch when he had people asking him questions and wanting meetings constantly. I try not to throw the A in his face but I replied ' well you certainly managed to find time to text OW about what you wanted to do to her, why can't you find time for me if you could for her?!' He was speechless and I think it really hit home.
Last night he said he was rearranging meetings so that he wouldn't need to stay away. It meant a lot that he's finally putting me before work.
Thanks Alex for the practice idea, I do still worry about his boundaries, he wants everyone to like him so I worry how he interacts with women at work. I'm not sure how he would react if he bumped into her, if we can work it out together maybe I will feel safer.
Thank you all.

Frankie80 posted 1/13/2014 07:17 AM

Gutfeeling- good idea about FaceTime, at least he can show you were he is. I hope it goes ok for you, I know it's easy to say but in some ways I now think, if he's going to do it he will. I can't control him but I can try and stay busy and not worry about it all the time making myself a nervous wreck! I'm not usually very successful with this but I'm trying!!

Kyrie posted 1/14/2014 22:04 PM

Frankie80, tonight I was looking for something on this topic and found your post. Like you, my husband's affair was with a co-worker and most of the actual affair took place on biz trips. One of my biggest triggers for the longest time was going into a hotel. Oh boy, have I had some rough times. But I decided to overcome that because I wasn't about to give up something I enjoy doing - traveling/staying in hotels - the OW isn't taking that away, too!

Tonight I'm struggling again. My H hasn't been on a biz trip in quite a while and usually when he travels now it's 2 nights max. Well tonight he told me that he has to go away the week of Valentines, leave on Tues a.m. and return Sun p.m. I responded calmly that that was too bad and he apologized that it was going to happen like that. But now as I try to go to sleep, I can't turn off my mind. Of course, this is a trigger and a very familiar feeling as well. But I guess what's so tough is that he is just now telling me. He's been planning this trip and discussing it with his secretary who he instructed to make travel arrangements. So yeah, another woman knows something about his life before I do. I can't tell you why the hurt is bubbling to the surface right now, but it is.

I'm just not sure why, though. The intimacy and closeness lately has been better than ever. He's not traveling with a woman and will not be working with women while he's away. The affair ended 7 years ago (although I didn't find out until 2 years ago.) I'm not sure what it is I'm feeling. It's not suspicion or distrust. Maybe because I just found out - it's like he's kept something from me? I'm feeling nervous and worried. 6 days is the longest he will be separated from me since DDay. Could abandonment fears be it? Ugh!!! I hate that I'm slipping - again!

I want to get a handle on what I'm feeling before I talk to him about it. Otherwise, it will be just a bunch of rambling - like this post reply!

MegM posted 1/14/2014 22:17 PM

Dear Frankie

We used regular phone calls, texts calling last thing in the evening from bed, without any pressure of hanging up until I was ready, and first thing in the morning taking my call wether in shower or bathroom or whatever.

Also I had his full itinerary via office email so I knew what his meeting schedule was and when it was not reasonable (from an employers point of view) for him to take a call / reply to a text.

If i did call / text at those times he knew it would be absolutely critical and would atleast reply briefly to me.

It was tough. Especially the first time. And I suggest you bunker down, don't put a lot of expectation on yourself. Shore up your support network (either SI or friends)

I gave everyone on SI the heads up and started a thread counting down the 5 days he was away and talke through the ups and downs. Peole here were incredible and one night stayed with me for a couple of hours when it got really rough.
They reality checked my ups and downs and encouraged me to stick by my expectations and hold him accountable.

best wishes Frankie.


MegM posted 1/14/2014 22:20 PM

Oh like you, his director and Manager knew. they were so supportive and he explained that being away would be very difficult to me. They understood that if he just walked away to take a call it would be me and important (to my emotional well being).

The survival of our marriage was supported by his disclosure to these two men and them supporting my recovery. For well over a year they gave him a lot of rope.

Given he had used / abused work resources and time to facilitate his affair they were super about it.

they saw his high pressured work environment contributed to the affair environment and didn't want another broken marriage on their concience.

If his Directors are supportive I recommend getting them on board - it makes a real difference to potential work - life tensions because they can adjust their expectations.


Frankie80 posted 1/15/2014 10:06 AM

Kyrie-thanks for your reply, I hope you're ok and managing to work out why you feel like you do.
From my own experience and feelings I would say it's this

Maybe because I just found out - it's like he's kept something from me? I'm feeling nervous and worried.

Sometimes when my H hasn't replied to my texts I log in to his work email to see if he's replying to emails, if not it puts my mind at ease because I know he's probably in a meeting or something. Anyway, by doing this one day before Xmas I saw that he had replied to an all office email about drinks after work on the last day saying he would be there and was looking forward to it. That was the first I heard of it and I was so angry. Not because he wanted to go but just because he'd not even thought to mention it to me. I think they do it because they know we won't like it and aren't sure how to bring it up. But for us it reminds us of all the deception during their A.
My H worked his meetings so he wouldn't have to stay away this week, but it means he's there late this evening. My imagination went into overdrive wondering if he was really going to a meeting or just using it as an excuse to see OW. It's crazy because I'm (almost!) sure NC has remained in place since Dday #2 and I believe him when he says he doesn't want to see her. It's amazing how close to the surface those feelings are when something triggers them!
I too have issues with hotels, I tried to face this fear too soon, we took the kids to the affair city (!) visited his office and stayed in a hotel but it was just too much for me then. We are trying to plan a night out in fen to get a bit of us time. Part of me wanted to suggest trying to put a bit of excitement back into our lives and going for a meal at a hotel and booking a room. Not to stay over but just to get the passion and intimacy back that is so difficult when a 3yr old might wander in at any moment! I know H would love the idea but as this is what the A encounters consisted of I think it might be too much?!! I don't want to push myself too hard then regret it. Sigh, I want my life back

Frankie80 posted 1/15/2014 10:15 AM

Meg, thank you for taking time to post.
Although it has been put off for now I know soon him staying away will be unavoidable. It does help the other directors knowing, they have surprised us both with their support.
I think part of him coming out of the fog was having to admit to them what he had done and face the reality of it knowing it may mean losing his job.
I will take your advice and try to get a friend to come round in the evening, SI is always such an amazing support too even if you don't post and just read. It's wonderful what the members did for you and it never fails to amaze me how supportive and wonderful all the SIers are

Kyrie posted 1/15/2014 13:40 PM

Frankie80, I really appreciate you responding to me. You always seem to have such insight. I have spoken to my husband and was proud of myself that I kept it together and was able to articulate my feelings without upsetting everything. And I know he heard me. He said that he feared telling me about his trip plans last week because he knew I'd be upset. I told him that not telling me all this time is dishonest, regardless of his intentions. He called me from work and wrote me an email apologizing for dishonesty, for attempting to manage my emotions, and said he was moving up his appointment with his IC to try to figure out why he would do this. Clearly, he is bothered by it all.

His going away for 6 days during Valentines is tough anyway, but his being deceptive - omission - about it all has just made the whole thing so much worse. Ugh!

I think that if this happened a year ago, I'd be a basket case. In fact, my immediate reaction was to say that he set us back by doing this. But I think that if he truly "gets it" that this is how the disconnect, the dual life, can start again and if he really does pursue self understanding, this may just turn out to be a step in the right R direction.

My H says that the affair was all about deception and manipulation - and I said, obviously the OP liked that and didn't mind being treated that way. But I don't and I won't tolerate being treated that way. I was calm and honest, not angry even. And I was heard! Now I guess we wait and see what he does about it.

Don't know why I just vomited all that! Doing so helps and maybe it will somehow help others in the same boat. What you've said so far about your H's affair resonates with me. I'm sorry we're going through this, but am grateful we're not alone.

Blessings on you and your life

Frankie80 posted 1/15/2014 14:11 PM

Kyrie, I think when you find someone whose story resonates with you it's like you've finally found someone who understands the crazy in your head and it all just spews out!
My posts are always like that, I start out with a clear idea in my head then by the end it's taken on a life of its own
I'm so pleased you managed to talk and your H could see why it bothered you. I still struggle to communicate my thoughts with mine without eventually becoming hysterical! My H is very logical (A aside, which makes it all the more out of character!) and when we talk he tries to apply sense to my high emotions which just doesn't work!
See I'm spewing again!!
Anyway, I hope your time apart goes as well as can be expected and I'll be here to add some of my random thoughts if you need them!! It sounds like your H will be able to support you through it which is fab.

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