There was a Travel thread by Chico, I think, and there were lots of good ideas there.
Take good care of yourself and know this is another step forward during R for those of where travel is a part of our lives. Together you can find a way to make this work. It takes a remorseful, transparent spouse working their hardest to help you heal and, that dreaded word, time.
At first my H thought I was nuts, but he understood I needed to feel safe so we talked about what would happen if he was standing at the train station and she walked up...or she walked up to him at his hotel...or one of her friends showed up and tried to talk to him.
NC, NC, NC..ignore and depart...no talking...no eye contact........as far as I know (although I believe my H has been honest with me but I will never again believe 100%) he has never run into her. Having a plan in place made me feel better though.
Tonight I'm struggling again. My H hasn't been on a biz trip in quite a while and usually when he travels now it's 2 nights max. Well tonight he told me that he has to go away the week of Valentines, leave on Tues a.m. and return Sun p.m. I responded calmly that that was too bad and he apologized that it was going to happen like that. But now as I try to go to sleep, I can't turn off my mind. Of course, this is a trigger and a very familiar feeling as well. But I guess what's so tough is that he is just now telling me. He's been planning this trip and discussing it with his secretary who he instructed to make travel arrangements. So yeah, another woman knows something about his life before I do. I can't tell you why the hurt is bubbling to the surface right now, but it is.
I'm just not sure why, though. The intimacy and closeness lately has been better than ever. He's not traveling with a woman and will not be working with women while he's away. The affair ended 7 years ago (although I didn't find out until 2 years ago.) I'm not sure what it is I'm feeling. It's not suspicion or distrust. Maybe because I just found out - it's like he's kept something from me? I'm feeling nervous and worried. 6 days is the longest he will be separated from me since DDay. Could abandonment fears be it? Ugh!!! I hate that I'm slipping - again!
I want to get a handle on what I'm feeling before I talk to him about it. Otherwise, it will be just a bunch of rambling - like this post reply!
We used regular phone calls, texts calling last thing in the evening from bed, without any pressure of hanging up until I was ready, and first thing in the morning taking my call wether in shower or bathroom or whatever.
Also I had his full itinerary via office email so I knew what his meeting schedule was and when it was not reasonable (from an employers point of view) for him to take a call / reply to a text.
If i did call / text at those times he knew it would be absolutely critical and would atleast reply briefly to me.
It was tough. Especially the first time. And I suggest you bunker down, don't put a lot of expectation on yourself. Shore up your support network (either SI or friends)
I gave everyone on SI the heads up and started a thread counting down the 5 days he was away and talke through the ups and downs. Peole here were incredible and one night stayed with me for a couple of hours when it got really rough.
They reality checked my ups and downs and encouraged me to stick by my expectations and hold him accountable.
best wishes Frankie.
The survival of our marriage was supported by his disclosure to these two men and them supporting my recovery. For well over a year they gave him a lot of rope.
Given he had used / abused work resources and time to facilitate his affair they were super about it.
they saw his high pressured work environment contributed to the affair environment and didn't want another broken marriage on their concience.
If his Directors are supportive I recommend getting them on board - it makes a real difference to potential work - life tensions because they can adjust their expectations.
Maybe because I just found out - it's like he's kept something from me? I'm feeling nervous and worried.
His going away for 6 days during Valentines is tough anyway, but his being deceptive - omission - about it all has just made the whole thing so much worse. Ugh!
I think that if this happened a year ago, I'd be a basket case. In fact, my immediate reaction was to say that he set us back by doing this. But I think that if he truly "gets it" that this is how the disconnect, the dual life, can start again and if he really does pursue self understanding, this may just turn out to be a step in the right R direction.
My H says that the affair was all about deception and manipulation - and I said, obviously the OP liked that and didn't mind being treated that way. But I don't and I won't tolerate being treated that way. I was calm and honest, not angry even. And I was heard! Now I guess we wait and see what he does about it.
Don't know why I just vomited all that! Doing so helps and maybe it will somehow help others in the same boat. What you've said so far about your H's affair resonates with me. I'm sorry we're going through this, but am grateful we're not alone.
Blessings on you and your life