"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

mchercheur posted 1/10/2014 06:45 AM

(Background story)
Some of you may have read my past threads about my lying, manipulative, narcissistic MIL, who criticized/demeaned/ & used me from the first day I met her, & seemed to control WH. She caused immeasurable damage to WH, my self esteem, & our M. She herself is an unremorseful WW & OW.
During & after WH's A, she enabled him & told him that he was entitled to do whatever made him happy, & blamed me for his A (that I wasn't giving him what he needed, so he had to go elsewhere, etc.)
I entered our M weak, having been cheated on in my first M (which ended it), & having lost my own Mom when I was a child to cancer.
Up until Dday, I tried to be a good DIL. Since Dday, & her atrocious behavior on that day & while we were separated, I have had NC with MIL (altho WH & our kids still do).

(This week)
WH has finally located (thanks to my now incredibly sophisticated detective skills) & spoken with his long lost stepsisters, who he so loved as a child, & has found out the truth about his mother----what she did to those girls (who were ages 2, 3, & 8 years old at that time) when she ran off with their father, destroying 2 families. WH’s stepfather abandoned his children. MIL cut them off, & then lied to them, WH, & his stepfather---saying to each that the other no longer wanted to be in touch.
In addition to preventing any relationship between them while he was alive, when WH’s stepfather died, she never even contacted his girls to tell them that their father had passed. They found out, incidentally, years later.
From the moment MIL took up with WH's stepfather, those girls did not receive 1 more penny from him /ended up having to move with their betrayed mother into a slum/grew up in poverty----& a whole lot more.
Now, finally, WH has the whole story.
I am now convinced that my MIL is sociopathic.
I have suspected all along that my MIL is truly evil---only cared about herself, nobody else. Should have followed my gut feeling from the start.
WH finally sees who she is, & is appalled. His mind is blown! He is no longer brainwashed by her.
For the first time in 25 years, it is just the 2 of us in our marriage. Hopefully, she can no longer hurt our M. Hopefully, WH will start to understand how this FOO history affected him.
OW/WW MIL has been exposed,
& that is justice.

Thank you to everyone on this site who has helped me figure this out & supported me. You have no idea how much I appreciate it.

JustAShadow posted 1/10/2014 08:01 AM

Your detective skills have given your WH such a gift - that must have been amazing for him to reconnect with his step-sisters.

I'm so glad that your 2014 is starting out with a such an enormous weight off your back. Good luck!

painpaingoaway posted 1/10/2014 08:04 AM

Wow, what an awful woman.

What is her status now? Sorry I have not kept up with your story.

Is she permanently out of your lives now?

SisterMilkshake posted 1/10/2014 08:06 AM

I am glad that your WH's eyes are now open to who is mother really is. Is he going to go NC with her? That would be true karma. Your children, too. Why does she get to have them in her lives when she so cruelly kept your WH's step father's children out of his?

She should die all alone in the world she created for herself. I have no pity or grace for evil people no matter the age. You don't grow old and automatically become a good person by virtue of age. She sounds wicked and evil and deserves nothing of her son and grandchildren.

Nest2007 posted 1/10/2014 08:23 AM

If SI had a 'like' button I'd be hitting it. I live a good AP karma story. Hugs and a high five!!

mchercheur posted 1/10/2014 08:28 AM

Thanks Nest.
JustAShadow---Thanks, yes, I think things are finally turning around. May this new year be better for all of us.

It is so clear to me now how much this woman was IN our marriage, trying to drive a wedge between WH & I from the beginning, so that his primary loyalty would be to her. For years, I almost felt like they were married, & I was the servant girl. He always had his head in the sand & could not see what others could see. He always thought that her word was gospel, & if I said anything about the way she treated me, he told me that I was overly sensitive. Neither of us had healthy boundaries with her, each for our own reason.
Now, he sees it all, he sees that she brainwashed him so, from a young age, to the extent that he was afraid to even question her. It has only been since our Dday, that WH found out that she cheated on his father.

What is her status now?
Is she permanently out of your lives now?

She lives by herself a few blocks away from us.
(WH stayed with her for a few months after Dday, while we were separated.)
So far, she is pretty independent.

Is he going to go NC with her? That would be true karma. Your children, too.

I believe that what WH does with this info, is his decision---that I have no right to tell him what to do in re: to her. WH is very religious as far as his obligation not to desert her. She really has nobody else in the world ( he has 2 siblings who are not that involved with her. WH was always the most easily manipulated by her. She has extended family, but she has had nothing to do with them all these years because they disapproved of what she did by cheating on WH's father.)
He has been asking this question , since he found out: "How will I deal with her, now that I know what she did?"
My concern is that he now see & understand how she affected our M.
He did say that he thinks we should keep our children away from her, because she is not really that nice to them (actually, they don't really like her ,because she demeans them & they think she is phony.)

She should die all alone in the world she created for herself.

^^^^This is in God's hands now. All I wanted is for the truth (which I always suspected, but could not prove, until we found WH's stepsisters) to come out.

[This message edited by mchercheur at 8:41 AM, January 10th (Friday)]

eachdayisvictory posted 1/10/2014 08:48 AM

Wow. It is so sad to hear that your MIL has lived her whole life in a WS fog of self-righteousness and lies.

It's never too late to change. Can you imagine if she genuinely became remorseful and worked to correct the grievous errors in her life?

That would be a miracle.

fourever posted 1/10/2014 09:15 AM

mchercheur,

What would be very helpful to him now would be an IC who specializes in foo issues. Especially with the new information that he is processing with his step sisters. It will help him with the guilt part of her hold and make that relationship healthier for him.

How wonderful you found his step family, they will be "real" family for him. I too, would keep your kids at a very limited distance from her, she's poison, and they know it.

I'm happy for you, him and the kids, now real healing can begin for you all. Exposing reality and truths, allows healing. Not knowing what the wedge was, made it impossible to break it down.

fromaztowa posted 1/10/2014 09:22 AM

Wow - it's like we have the same MIL.

1)Was the OW and broke up two marriages, and married her AP (my DH's step-father).
2)Cut out her step-daughters from their father's life.
3)Narcissist
4)Hated us (the wives)
5)Actively supported (and in my case, made it happen)the cheating our waywards did.

How can there be more than one of them in the world? I totally understand how you feel, we recently just found out how mentally unstable my MIL was after her death. Not just the OW stuff that she left as a time bomb for me, but the amount of crazy documentation that she did regarding her stalking of my DH, me, and my step-son. I think women like this cannot survive (or imagine surviving) without focused attention from the men in their lives, regardless of the age or relationship. Almost like they are queen bee forever, you know?

I'm glad you two are free from her toxic poison - cheers to you both!

mchercheur posted 1/10/2014 09:47 AM

fromaztowa---I agree with you. Also, my MIL is obsessed with money & control.

fourever---I have been trying to get him to go to IC for a long time.
Since Dday, I have been going to IC ( & am learning how to use my voice, why I am so codependent, & figuring out why I allowed others to treat me that way), & we have been going to a really great MC since Dday. Even WH now admits how much the MC has helped us. Honestly, the MC is doing a lot of IC for WH during our MC session, which is fine with me. Maybe now, WH will be willing to go to him alone for IC too, because I agree with you, I think this is a lot to process, & he will really need to learn some techniques for dealing with MIL's manipulation.

your MIL has lived her whole life in a WS fog of self-righteousness and lies.

^^^^^the truth. And she has no intention of ever changing.

Neverwudaguessed posted 1/10/2014 12:32 PM

I am so sorry for what you and your husband are going through. The realization after DDay of just how sick my own mil is has been extremely shocking to me. I always knew she was sick (wanting to wear a victorian full on white wedding dress to her son's and my wedding for example, or telling us that her ex husband sexually molested my brother in law as a child after my son was born in an effort to keep me from finally become close to my father in law once she realized that contact was increasing upon his birth). but I was blown away to find out that she actually encouraged my husband's affair.

My mil told my husband during the first year of marriage that marriage should not be so hard when he tried to get some advice during difficult times adjusting to marriage. She ultimately gave my husband's ex girlfriend his work number when she revealed that she was getting a divorce and still loved my husband. I had just had our son, and this contact did lead to an affair that I never found out about. It lasted for a couple of months and he ended it. My mil came to town for our son's first birthday party and she tried to get my husband to come to where she was staying because she had his ex there and wanted to help her get him to reconcile. Not only that, but he cried to my mil about needing to tell me everything but she told him not to, as I would never forgive him. Of course the choice to tell or not was ultimately his, but he kept that secret for 12 years until the ex contacted him again, and she had a 7 week affair once again. He ended it and confessed everything on the day we were having a consultation with his father's oncologist about whether or not he was too weak to continue chemo.

When we returned home, I confronted my mil over the phone and she said that her son was lying about everything, that she had never done those things and when I told her that I could not continue a relationship with her, she told me that she never loved me, hung up and called my parents (who did not know yet) and told them that she never did the things I was accusing her of. It was a great day.

I didn't mean to take over your post with my story, I have just found that there are so few of us who have such unbelievable mothers in law that I hoped my story might bring you some sense of feeling less alone in yours. I am very sorry that you have found yourself in this position.

mchercheur posted 1/10/2014 13:02 PM

((((Neverwudaguessed))))
I am so sorry you have had to deal with a person like this as well.
Their behavior is almost surreal, isn't it?

For 22 1/2 yrs I squelched my inner voice & put up with her bullying.

Bullying from a person who left WH (who was 3 yrs old) & his brother with a babysitter (while their father was out working/breaking his back 6 days per week/12 hours per day to pay the bills) so she could go to bars to meet men. The main message WH heard growing up was that she was entitled to do whatever she wanted to be happy.

Here are some of the things she said to me on Dday & in the days/weeks following (we were separated because WH would not stop contact with OW):

1.” Honey, what do you expect him to do, grovel?”

2. “Honey, I blame you --you drove him to it”

3.” Well honey, if you had kept the house cleaner & worn makeup more, this wouldn't have happened.”

4. “Honey, if you don't take him back, there will be 20 women lined up at the door for him.”

5.” Honey, your children will never forgive you for betraying them if you don't take him back.”
[Ahem, I did not betray anyone.]

6. “Honey, he HAS to go out for lunch with her alone, they work together.”

7. “Honey, it was just 1 little mistake.”

8. “Get over it honey .

Finally, I said NO MORE.

I think my first post on this site in Dec. 2012 was asking advice about this situation. It was the wise words of members here that helped me to see her clearly.

[This message edited by mchercheur at 1:04 PM, January 10th (Friday)]

lynnm1947 posted 1/10/2014 14:42 PM

I feel so sad for those members--many many members--who have Satan as their MIL! My own MIL was one of my favourite people. Even when her son and I divorced (amicably), she remained my dear friend to the day she died. What makes these women (or men) so nasty, mean and downright evil? One has to wonder about their upbringings. I wonder if they had dysfunctional childhoods.

mchercheur posted 1/10/2014 14:47 PM

Not that there is any excuse for betraying your spouse, but growing up with a mother like this has to be a contributing factor in making such a bad choice.

Sal1995 posted 1/10/2014 15:04 PM

Not that there is any excuse for betraying your spouse, but growing up with a mother like this has to be a contributing factor in making such a bad choice.

I agree that excuse-making should be avoided because it often leads to rugsweeping, but I agree that FOO plays a huge role. To deny that is to deny the overwhelming evidence to the contrary.

My WW's FOO marital history is a horror story. Her maternal grandfather got his OW pregnant and then committed suicide, but not before molesting his oldest daughter (my MIL). She went on to marry my wife's father, who cheated on her with two women, the last an exit affair. My wife and her siblings were abandoned by her father when she was about 12. Two maternal uncles were notorious skirt chasers, and her aunt just recently became a cheater in her late 50s. Her mother was an OW to a prominent local political figure when I first met, and a few years later openly cheated on a boyfriend.

Of course this affected my wife. It seriously skewed her worldview. She couldn't conceive of a man who didn't betray his wife and family. One of the justifications for her affair was that I had probably cheated on her before anyway, and eventually I'll do what all other men in her family have done for decades - leave.

Doesn't excuse her bad behavior, but it does put it in perspective. We can hold our WS's accountable, while at the same time recognizing the extraordinary challenges and obstacles they have to face on the road to becoming healthy.

I have empathy for the very hurt and damaged little girl that still lives inside my wife.

LadyLove posted 1/10/2014 15:34 PM

Add me to the list of those with an evil MIL.

My MIL encouraged my WH to leave me for his HS GF, saying things like 'You deserve to be happy, not miserable'. MIL welcomed MOW into her home and family with open arms. She allowed him to carry on his A at her home.. invited them both to family functions together, bought him clothes so he wouldn't have to drive an hour back home to get clean ones.. encouraged him to stay with her as long as he wanted to.. and on and on... I never knew she didn't like me until I called her home to speak with him because he wasn't answering his cell and she hung up on me.. after 16 years of marriage.. I mean, I always knew she was a phony drama queen but I never suspected her deep dislike of me..

I haven't spoken to her or seen her since that day she hung up on me some 18 months ago, and I never will again. My WH has effectively cut her out of our lives, he last spoke to her about 4 months ago and last saw her about 17 months ago. His choice, he now see's what I see.. He'll speak to her again because she's his mother, but their relationship is irrevocably damaged.. He was her '#1 son', as she always called him (I wonder how that made his brother feel?).. that's her karma.. To me, she's just a stupid bitch, a two-faced, back-stabbing c**t. I wouldn't piss on her if she was on fire.

Sorry, I got carried away.. still a lot of anger there

[This message edited by LadyLove at 3:54 PM, January 10th (Friday)]

Lovedyoumore posted 1/10/2014 17:30 PM

Let me add a little warning from experience...I could match you tit for tat with MIL stories. We went to MC after 20 years because our marriage was a wreck mainly due to H and his FOO issues. The MC told us my MIL was my H's emotional wife and I was her OW. He told us that H had to emotionally divorce his parents, mainly mother. After that we had minimal contact with her because they did not want to attend family counseling with us.

Fast forward 15 years and my H's mother died suddenly in a terrible traffic accident. I thought my H had handled things well until DDay. He had an A. I think his mother's death triggered huge unresolved issues.

Your H should be aware as well as you...FOO issues can keep rising long after you thought the were resolved.

mchercheur posted 1/10/2014 17:47 PM

FOO issues can keep rising long after you thought they were resolved

.

How does one resolve them?
I think seeing the issues, acknowledging them, is the first step. Then, if possible, open & honest communication with those involved. Unfortunately in our case, MIL will never be able to do that.

I plan to encourage WH to talk with MC at length about all of this. Also, he has a very good hearted friend who is a counselor who I think would be able to help him a lot----he has already been talking to this friend daily since he found out.

Sal1995 posted 1/11/2014 12:24 PM

How does one resolve them?
I think seeing the issues, acknowledging them, is the first step.

Yes! Not long after D Day my wife made a lunch date with her father, and told him in a firm but level-headed way that he abandoned her. She told him how much it has hurt her entire life. He apologized and they ended up hugging and crying right there in the restaurant. I've seen the improvement in my wife since that day.

Lovedyoumore posted 1/11/2014 12:47 PM

You not only have to see them and acknowledge the FOO issues, my H should have realized they may never go away completely, even with therapy. Some FOO issues are so engrained they are nearly in the DNA.

His father: NPD, abusive, jealous of son from birth, cheater, porn addict

His mother: passive agressive, enabler, used son for emotional support, created an enmeshed relationship with son, treated me like OW

After H's IC and MC 20 years ago, his parents refused family counseling. They would admit no role in the crap.

We thought we had worked out the worst of his demons. He should have been receiving "tune ups" with the IC as he got older. He definitely needed IC after his mother's death and his father's total rejection following her death. The A soon followed. He thought he had broken the cycle modeled by is parents, but much to his anguish, it continued.

He got immediate IC after the A, but he should have gone 6 months earlier. Who knows?