SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

Lately WH seems to be making a lot of strides in uncovering his underlying FOO issues and how they contributed to his cheating. I'm really glad to see this as it was obvious they existed and had a huge impact on him. But my question is, now what? Or so what? How does someone take this information and make a difference in who they are? People talk about the need to explore these issues, but that isn't going to change someones mode of being, just knowing what they are, right?
I guess I'm sort of rambling, but if anyone cares to talk about this process I'd love to hear.

I'm going to speak from MY experience. I repressed a lot of things growing up. I was taught to stuff my emotions and appear happy no matter what. The problem is those feelings don't go anywhere and affected how I interacted with people in my adult life. It was important to go back and release those feelings, sort to speak. Anger, resentment, pain, etc. You do that by allowing yourself to actually feel. An example, I was sexually abused as a child but never seemed bothered by it until I was 18 and in therapy. I acted like it never bothered me but the truth was I had a lot of hate, anger, and pain stuffed away. I readdressed the events and allowed myself time to embrace each emotion without feelings of guilt.

Also, many behaviors are learned. If your parents behaved or reacted to events a certain way chances are you will behave/react in a similar manner. If you pinpoint certain undesirable behaviors, learn of their origins, and then discover better behavior to replace them you can sort of reprogram your brain. It's a process and expect mistakes.

We are working on that. One sentence. The one that hurt him the most he said, more so than all the "lying cheating motherfuckers" and all the "piece of shit assholes", because he already believed those of himself. The one that sent his world upside down was "I thought you hung the fucking moon!"

Over the last almost 12 years, I could never do enough to prove that I loved him. Never. No matter what I did. The nicer I was, the more he thought I was up to something. until I said that sentence.

Rock bottom has a tendency to show you who actually cares, from who is only there for themselves. Because the ones who care hit it with you.

I am firmly in the camp of "I did it because I wanted to" and I believe that FOO issues and such are simply excuses for bad choices and behaviour.

That being said, in my experience the searching for my why's and examining my FOO issues set up a 'habit' of introspection which forces me to face my deficiencies as a human being.

Facing these deficiencies and realising I was a pretty poor excuse for a human being, motivated me to change my thinking patterns and to bolster my integrity.

Once you've got the 'habit' the introspection continues, because nobody's perfect.

Hope that helped.

Steadfast--
Your comment about hitting bottom and people you love hitting it with you, made me cry. And made me think. That is the biggest breakthrough I've had in this terrible experience, that H knows all of my secrets, and all of my skeletons, and is still with me anyway. I think that will forever change how I think about him, and makes me positive that I will never risk my M again. You never know what revelations will be meaningful, or how. You just have to keep working on it.

Slowuptake says what my fwh says. He hates when I mention FOO issues to him, as part of the cause. He gets upset, and feels like I am making excuses and minimizing what he does (these words mean more to me than any apology). He says he was a selfish asshole, and pushed me away. He points out my foo issues, and reminds me how I never cheated. (He has a point)

I don't think it's any one thing that caused it. So many things went into his decision...