What are you doing with your BS/WS this weekend? Or alone?
I'm still struggling with this separation thing since we are still living in the same house. We've watched tv and ate dinner together every night this week. No real talking, except for Tuesday night when I tried to ask if he was ok with me being there because he's said we need time apart. But then he'll seem fine for me to sit down with him and "watch our shows" and that it feels "normal". But we aren't talking about anything because like Tuesday night, any conversation escalates to fighting. We both have always hated fighting and we truthfully aren't very good/skilled at it.
He has plans tomorrow and I do too. But he doesn't tonight. I have a larger network of girlfriends than he does guys and it's pretty easy for me to find something to do. I think he envies this and resents it a bit. I'm trying not to do something unless he has something to do too, but I'm really confused by it. I want us to begin R but that's hard to do when you aren't talking, he's not willing to go to MC at this time but all the while you are living together. We simply just don't sleep in the same bed and he doesn't wear his ring. We also have no real physical contact. He had not so much as kissed me since DDay.
BH has a hard time with the weekends because of his addiction recovery. He gets restless and has too much time to think. So we've been trying to fill them up with activities. We've been going through phases of good days and bad and since the past 4 days have been pretty bad, I'm hoping we are due for some good days.
We're almost 5 months out from DDay and since then, every weekend, my BH is "gone". He leaves home Friday nights and comes back Monday early morning. How can you ever enjoy the weekend that way?
What hurts me most is that he doesn't even tell us where he goes. I hurt for my kids because they aren't with their dad at the only time during the week when they are supposed to be playing or bonding with him. And I caused it all.
First off, I moved out at my the request of my BS and NOTHING has been better for her healing. I fought it for a number of weeks SELFISHLY but with enough people beating me over the head and helping me focus on HER recovery and not MY ego, I realized I had to leave. I THANK GOD every day I made that decision (what an crazy think to say, but it makes sense!)
I can't imagine what your BS are going through with you still in the house...be careful everyone, we're big time triggers for them and in a lot of cases it hurts their healing if you're around. Even worse on the weekend without the normal work / school distractions of the week.
Next I just want to share that I never liked weekends before. When I was in the fog, weekends were one big pain in the arse. Kids homework, food to be cooked, dog needs walking, bday parties, sports, music class for the kids, on and on it used to go...all the things I HAD TO DO which forced me away from MY STUFF. I hated it.
But now I can see.
It's sounds a bit dramatic, but my weekends are my only time with the kids now and I wouldn't trade them for anything in the world. My weekends now have MEANING and for the first time in a very long time they fill me with love.
So to answer the question directly, I'm alone Friday nights preparing the weekend with my boys, journaling and hanging out on SI. Sat morning I wake up at 630, go to bakery and get their favorite breakfast pastries and then we're OFF TO THE RACES - Dog walks, Music class, golf camp, grocery shopping, cook then lunch, play time, school clothes shopping, on an on it goes and it is absolutely the highlight of my week. A similar routine follows on Sunday (add in church and big Sunday chicken that I roast) and you get the idea.
I live for my weekends, plain and simple, which is so WONDERFUL because when I was in the fog of the A, I hated my weekends (which in reality is because I was leaving my family one small step at a time).
Thanks for the question as it made me stop and appreciate what I have, even in the middle of the horror I created and the terrible suffering of my BS.
Last night I told him that any time he needed to be alone but I was there to just tell me and I would not hold it against him. I will find something to do or someplace to go. He said he really appreciated it.
I'm gone next week to DC for a conference all week. This is a big trigger for him b/c I met the OM at a conference. Trying to be sensitive here. I even invited him to go along. He could do the tourist thing during the day, but be with me at night. He really feels that this is a good chance for us to be apart for a while w/out it being "forced".
I'm worried about that too. He has been talking to a couple of different girls since about a week after DDay. Texting, emailing, FB, etc. Not really sure what's being said, done, anything. I've asked him and he won't talk about it. I'm worried that an RA is in the works. But there is really nothing I feel I can do about it. :(
Helplessme, I'm so sorry. I can't imagine how much that has to hurt.
Prayingforhope, thank you for sharing. Sometimes I think the best thing for both of us would be me leaving, at least for a while. I'm pretty independent and I think I could be ok. My H is a homebody however and doesn't really like a lot of alone time. I LOVE being with him. He's my favorite person to be with. But, this is our life now thanks to me. So I'm just trying to be patient.
I'm gone next week to DC for a conference all week
I can tell you from a BS perspective with you being so close to D-Day that being away at a conference may push your husband over the edge. The mind movies will be on constant replay. True R means you understand what will trigger him and do everything in your power to eliminate/lessen the pain.
My WH traveled a great deal for work, and after D-Day basically canceled ALL his travel plans except for the couple of times I was able to go with him.
Just some food for thought. IMO what he is saying and what he is truly feeling might be totally different.
No firm plans as of yet. The friends we usually hang out with are doing an outing that we chose not to participate in, so it's wide open.
I do know I will exercise in the morning...Tuesdays, Thursdays and Saturdays are weight training days.
Divorced and remarried to XBH
Hang in there guys. It get's better. Things have been really rough for us in year two so far. But…I feel so incredibly lucky and blessed that I get to chill at home in the company of my BH. Even when things are miserable we are still working on this together. Don't forget to be thankful for the chances you have. Just keep working on you and showing love in any way your BS will allow, even if that's by giving space.
I edit often to fix stuff ☺️
Profoundly grateful Every. Single. Day. that I am blessed with an H with strength, integrity, and compassion, and that he decided to try.
..another interesting note......I used to teach our "niece's" boyfriend (Music & Sex Ed )
[This message edited by looking forward at 7:33 PM, January 10th (Friday)]