SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

Gemstone posted 1/10/2014 08:08 AM

Found out a few months ago that my H of 32 years has been sending 50 - 100 texts per day to our cleaner. telling her how beautiful she is (she is not) how wonderfull, how she is his best friend, the only one who truely understands and knows him, how terrible our marriage is and that he is leaving me. he only admitted to this when i accidentally discovered a private message he was sending on FB to another woman, repeating what he had told the cleaner. he said he was sorry and that he was clearer in his head now that he would stop and had already decided to stop and would let me see the texts, ( only the last couple of months available as he had already deleted the earlier ones before I found out) . beacause i was going to see the texts he had to admit to me that he had bought her birthday presents and taken her to lunch for her birthday. this made me physically sick because I can count on one hand the number of times he has gone himself and bought me a birthday or christmas present, it is always I don't know what to get you so just get yourself something. it really hurt to think he wanted to spend the time and effort going and getting her something when he wouldn't put the efford in to me. I never wanted anthing expensive just any little thing that he had taken the trouble to get.

The texts would start at 6.30 in the morning whilst he was in bed and I was downstairs in the kitchen making his coffee and putting up his lunch to take to work, they continued all day, god knows how he got his work done, (well to be honest he didn't because our business was doing badly and losing money,) and would continue all evening till 2 or 3 in the morning whilst he was lying next to me in bed.
Always telling her she was wonderful and wanting to know where she was and who she was with.
Then I discovered he had loaned her money about £2500.00 in total (He lied about the amount and only admitted the amounts as and when I found out about them.) Then i discovered that the birthday 'lunch' was actually an evening date when I thought he was out with male friends. he admitted he had said it was a lunch date cos it would hurt me more to find out he had lied to my face when going out in the evening. he had gone back to hers for coffee.

I discovered again that he had been to hers several times for a coffee and a chat !!! and that he had gone several times and picked her up to take her to work (she cleanes part time in the offices that are based in the same industrial estate where our business's are.)

The week of her birthday, he spent a lot of time with her, running her and her idle layabout of a daughter about and just generally playing happy families with them and getting all 'excited and nervous' about giving her the birthday presents, I read the text where he told her it was the 'best week of his life' - just wonderful.

he promised me he had never been to hers when her daughter wasn't there and then a few weeks ago it slipped out that he went there knowing that the daughter was away for the day.

he came home when she was cleaning at our house and stood in the kithchen with us both whilst I was making coffee for us and it makes me ill to think they were both laughing at me not knowing their dirty secret. and it gave him an excuse to take her into her work. When i went in to our shop to stand in whilst our son was on holday he arranged for her to come in and 'help me' then he came in himself for most of the time, i now know it was to be with her and on checking the times of his texts, they were actually texting each other right in front of me. He says there was no sex at all and that wasn't what he needed from her and i didn't read anything to say there was, but when i do a spotlight search on his Iphone for the word sex, although it only brings up the first few words of a deleted text, the rest of the text must have contained the word and there is one from him starting with 'for all that i have I would give it all if ..... and there are several from her saying that no she doesnt want a full relationship with him but she will go out with him - and she then has the cheek to say she has done nothing wrong. I feel that if it wasn't physical, he wanted it to be and it is only cos she didn't that nothing else happened. so it makes it just as bad. he gave her is full emotional attention, time, and effort and withdrew it all from me and our marriage and it hurts so much that this man that I would have trusted with my life and would never have believed could behave in such an underhand and cruel way would be so disloyal to me. he told her conversations we had about everything, even work and even had the gall to blame me for the state the business had got into when all the time it was him spending his time running round for her and texting her every few minutes. There is nowhere I feel safe now, as she has been cleaning in my home and in our business and he has text her from every room and place we are. I told him it was like they had left a slimey trail over every part of my life and nowhere is unaffected. even holidays and weekends away, he texted her constantly.

we are trying to get over this, he admits to being in the wrong and knows he has hurt me and destroyed my trust in him. he has done the right thing and deleted all contact details and facebook and he does not speak to her if he sees her at work. I have full access to his phone, ipad and emails and he constantly tells me how sorry and ashamed he is, how much he loves me and knows what is important, ie me and his family BUT i cannot trust him, everything he told me was only after I had already discovered it so I am constantly wondering what he hasn't told me cos I haven't discovered it. I dont know whether he is with me because he really wants me or because she didn't want that from him so he can,t move in with her. The other woman he was talking to on Facebook, flirting, going to take her out when he divorced me etc, told him he 'ran around like a puppy on heat' very flattering

I know my situation is better than many of you here but god it hurts so much and isn't getting any easier .

Sorry this was so long, I haven't told anyone about this and the only person I talk to about it is my H who even whilst admitting he is in the wrong, doesn't see that this was an EA or that he was unfaitful to me.
any input from fellow sufferers would be appreciated. Thank you for reading my long winded introduction, there is more but it would take pages.

NeverAgain2013 posted 1/10/2014 08:27 AM

Gemstone, I'm sorry you find yourself here. Please be sure to read in the library - there's lots of valuable information contained in the articles.

I'm going to have to be honest, however, and tell you it's highly unlikely that your husband didn't have a physical relationship with this woman. His silly, puppy dog admiration for this woman reminded me VERY much of a young hormonal teenage boy falling in love with the first 'piece of ass' he ever had (as the saying goes). That's how your husband has been acting about the OW.

I find it extremely hard to believe that he'd lend this woman all kinds of money and fall on the sword for her over and over and over again - for a lame little pat on the head.

Ain't happening.

Look, he's a cheater which means he's a liar. The two are NOT mutually exclusive - you can't be one without the other. Therefore, he's ONLY going to tell you what he absolutely HAS to tell you. You didn't find rock solid proof of them having sex, so you're only going to hear that it was an emotional affair. Had you found proof of sex, he would have lied and said it was one time. Had you found proof of 10 times together, he would have lied and said it was 9 attempts and only 1 successful one.

No matter what you find, he'll lie and try to minimize it. Doesn't matter what it is - his first inclination will always be to lie.

You never get the full truth on D-Day. You just don't.

Guard your heart, Gemstone. The man isn't telling you the whole truth.

Be good to yourself.



.

[This message edited by NeverAgain2013 at 8:32 AM, January 10th (Friday)]

callmecrazy posted 1/10/2014 08:28 AM

Gemstone: EA/PA, liars or remorseful spouses; It all hurts regardless and Im glad you have found this site for support.

byefornow posted 1/10/2014 08:48 AM

{{{Gemstone}}}
i am sorry you are here, too. My husband of 28 years has had an affair also and my world is shattered too.
i would have to agree with Neveragain. I don't know that any spouse gives the full details on DDay. I wanted to trust and believe mine and he was very forthcoming about information, but I still found out more about 2 months later.
please guard your heart and take care of yourself. this isn't an easy road to travel.
i wish you peace in the coming days.

Gemstone posted 1/10/2014 09:05 AM

Thank you all, I am so glad i found this site,

I have been reading for a few weeks and just today decided I was strong enough to post.

I know what you are all saying is right, I didn't get all the truth on D day, it has all just trickled out as I discovered things.

He swears it wasn't physical BUT ?.. but you know what, I hurt so much anyway, I dont know if I can hurt anymore. I knew something wasn't right when he was constantly on his new Iphone 'checking emails and on Ebay' but I had absolute trust in my man that he would NEVER hurt me, that if he did meet someone else he would be upfront and tell me before anything happened. We have been together since we were 19, both now 53 and I feel like I have been kicked everywhere.

This woman came into our home. she stood in my kitchen and when I asked her about her birthday, she told me she had had perfume and champagne for her birthday, didn't tell me they were from MY husband. told me she had gone our for a meal, didn't tell me it was MY husband that took her.

She was already cleaning in our home when the texting started, but he then gave her a job cleaning in our 2 small family business's as well after the affair started.

he just wove her more and more into our lives and i hate them both for doing this, without any thought for me and my 2 sons.

Thank you for your posts, I do hear you and although I am prepared to try and forgive, i will never forget and i will never trust him again.
Can a marriage work where there is no trust?
I am just waiting each day for the truth to come out about how much more went on.

A big hug to you for taking the time to read and relpy to me, it is much appreciated that people will take the time from their own pain to try to help others Thank you

[This message edited by Gemstone at 8:41 PM, January 11th (Saturday)]

shatteredapart posted 1/10/2014 09:33 AM

Like you Gemstone my WH claims he didn't have sex or any other type of sexual contact with OW. He finally admitted to kissing her goodbye on the lips a few times but it's taken months to just get that. Claims non sexual, friend kiss. He doesn't kiss anyone but me on the lips. EVER! He doesn't even kiss cheeks unless it's our kids or his family. So I too question the truth. He refused to even admit to an EA for the longest time. Now he says I'm right. He doesn't even argue anymore when I use the term affair. I think they compartmentalize everything and live in true denial of their actions. They've lied so much. What would stop them now? It's quite possible neither your WH or mine ever had a PA with OW but it's likely because the opportunity wasn't there. Living with the uncertainty and his steadfast denials is driving me insane. I have even told him that if there was ever any sexual contact at all just tell me. I've promised to listen and not judge. Nor would I walk out and leave him. I would stay and continue to work on recovery. He still won't budge. I just don't know what to believe anymore.

shatteredapart posted 1/10/2014 09:35 AM

And like neveragain2013 said, Guard your heart. You need to protect yourself against further hurt.

Lola88 posted 1/10/2014 10:11 AM

So very sorry you find yourself in the club none of us chose to join Gemstone. I have never felt pain like it in my life, the lies and betrayal cut so deep.

I hope she's been told to sling her hook - it may have been an EA because she sounds like a money grabber - taking advantage of the cash cow? Not that that excuses him in any way!

Take care of yourself, try to eat, drink water and sleep when you can. It's a horrible time, I'm six weeks in since I discovered my husbands nine year affair We've been married 45 years in May. I don't think I will ever forgive him. (((Hugs)))

Gemstone posted 1/10/2014 10:44 AM

shattered

Yes I agree, because of her comment of not wanting a 'full' relationship it does make me think they may not have had a PA but i cannot believe he would have put so much effort into his relationship with her if he hadn't wanted it to develop that way, towards the end he was fixated on where she was and who she was with, very jealous, he even made the comment that if she had been married, he wouldn't have texted her and risk causing problems in her marriage, but risking ours obvioulsy wasn't a problem. I did the same as you and said that if he had had a PA i would still be willing to try and R but he continues to be adamant about it not being about sex but about someone to talk to and listen to him and he thought she cared

Lola
yes she was told to sling her hook no way was I having her around and I agree, I think she enjoyed the attention and the text flirting at the beginning and then was able to give him a sob story about the debt she was in and he sat down and worked it out for her and loaned her the money. he should have told her to get off her idle ass and work more hours to sort her debt, she was working 6 hours a week for us and 10 hours cleaning the offices. In the UK that entitled her to other money benefits and she had no intention of working more hours, why should she when she received hand outs from the Government and from my stupid, pathetic husband.

Another woman at work who is friends with the cleaner, knew some thing was going on, My H had also indulged in a bit of flirting with this woman on FB and told her what was going on with the cleaner (before i knew) and she couldn't believe how much money he had given her for no sex in return!!)

She had been repaying him, but we have now received a letter from our Citizens Advice to say that she has been to see them and as she is now again in debt to 'priorty debtors' such as rent and rates, she doesn't have to pay us back, just another kick in the teeth that she is getting away with no pain at all, she doesn't have a partner or I would make sure he knew.

If you have only just found out after 9 years you must be in so much pain, I am so sorry you are going through this none of us deserve having to deal with this hurt, it is a contant heavy weight and some days, I can't function at all. My heart goes out to you ((hugs))

Gemstone posted 1/10/2014 10:54 AM

just as a post script, a few weeks before this all blew up my husband was put on anti-depressants and he says these have helped clear his mind and that whilst he was depressed he blamed me for everything and it was this illness that led him to do this texting/flirting etc. he thought she was a lovely person who was helping him, but he now sees that she made him worse. in fact in Dec 2012 he was really depressed and felt suicidal (hid it from me) and text her to tell her this. she did nothing, didn't help him by text or tell me so that I could make sure he didn't harm himself. what a friend i now have to try to accept that it was his depression that caused him to do this, but a big part of me feels this is just an excuse and he is just a pathetic man

gutfeeling posted 1/10/2014 11:06 AM

I'm so sorry.

For what it's worth - I read the comment about not wanting a "full" relationship to mean she doesn't want him to leave you for her (and her have to deal with him full time) not that they haven't had a PA.

byefornow posted 1/10/2014 12:00 PM

When I read your story I can sympathize and relate so well. We have quite a few similarities. Even the fact that I lurked on this site for a few months, before posting!
I wish you peace this evening as you close your eyes and try to sleep.

emotionalgirl posted 1/10/2014 12:31 PM

Hi gemstone.....your story reads much like mine except for how they met. I too have no idea if it ever turned into a PA and I doubt I ever will. Some of her texts lead me to believe that there might have been some light Physical attention such as a kiss, but he completely denies. At least I can say he never spent large sums of money on her, just his time
(That should have been spent with me). His energy (he was always too tired to spend time with me) and his emotional reserves( he completely shut himself off from me). The pain I felt and still feel is unbearable and he just doesn't get it. How my whole house and all the things we did together felt tainted (even our last vacation). How my gut and heart feel as if they have been ripped from my body. That I don't trust him and may never be able to trust him ever again. We were that couple everyone wanted to be, now I wouldn't wish my existence on anyone.

Just a small warning...I have learned from this site and my own experience that a WS rarely cuts themselves off from the other person quickly, cleanly and completely. Especially when the affair is very emotional and they are so infatuated. My WH for example broke NC a number of times, he just got sneakier about it. He quit seeing her in person, but still needed that connection, like a junkie needs their fix. It continued in secret for months while he made like he was in full R mode. I finally kicked his ass out and we are now living an in house separation (this is easy for us as no kids and a full basement he can live in). Only now has the A ended and he is showing remorse. I just don't know if its too late.

May you find your chosen path and may it be cleat of too many obsticals. (((Hugs)))

Gemstone posted 1/10/2014 13:19 PM

gut feeling
you may well be right. why would she want him to move in . she was getting plenty of benefits without the problems. all his attention, emotion, little jobs done in her house, running around in OUR car, OUR money and maybe sex when she wanted it.

our stories are all so similar, is there a book somwhere telling them what to do?

Whatdoido333 posted 1/10/2014 13:37 PM

Similar story or me too.... wH and OW work together, still do. It's been 4 years since I found out they were more than the just friends they were both claiming to be.

I was told the OW hates ME because I made too much of their relationship!! I guess to her it's ok for a married man to have both a wife and a girlfriend!!

Anyway... I do believe there's a book somewhere....the scripts are so similar..

foolishlycluless posted 1/10/2014 13:49 PM

our stories are all so similar, is there a book somwhere telling them what to do?

From another post that I made:

I found this book helpful: How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair, by Linda MacDonald. It's a quick read. I bought the paperback and read it first, highlighting the parts that were the most important to me. (Trust me, I could have highlighted the entire book!) Then I gave it to WH to read. The book put into words the things that I couldn't. Also, I think it was more meaningful that it came from a "third party." It wasn't me telling him what would help me heal. It wasn't too long after that, that I began to feel like he got it, and was truly remorseful.

I'm planning to purchase "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass as I keep reading good things about that book here. I think my WH has problems with boundaries.

(((gemstone)))

foolishlycluless posted 1/10/2014 13:50 PM

Oops gemstone. I just *got it* - lol!!

cl131716 posted 1/10/2014 17:18 PM

Like others said it sounds like possibly more than an EA.

Shatteredheart- My WH also kissed a woman as a "friend". So hard to believe. He said they were saying goodbye to the friendship because both were engaged. So you kiss on the lips? Makes no sense!

shatteredapart posted 1/11/2014 09:25 AM

cl131716 Sorry we're in the club no one wants to be in. So thankful though that om not alone. I do have to say, if it turned from an EA into a PA I'd rather just know now instead of constantly agonizing over it. I've told him if it was to be up front and honest so we can face it head on and work through it. They just don't get it. Finding out later from them or digging will just make us want to give up and leave.

Gemstone posted 1/11/2014 11:15 AM

Foolishly

Ha Ha My fault for not making my sarcasm more obvious lol xx

Shattered.

I agree I have told my H that we are working hard now at a reconciliation based on everything I know, and things are very very slowly getting a little better BUT if I find out that he has been lying any more then it will be worth nothing as we will be back at the beginning and I will not be prepared to put the effort in again.

He still swears nothing else happened, so we will have to wait and see, I so want to believe him but find it difficult to imagine any man putting that amount of effort and time into a woman without wanting 'something back'

I hate uncertainty, in all aspects of life I want to know everything and make my decisions etc based on full knowledge - this is no different - just more painful.

I think it is also difficult to view my H in the same light as before - I always saw him as this strong, loyal, honest man and now he is just a stupid, weak and self-centred man. Can I ever get back to how it was before?