Found out a few months ago that my H of 32 years has been sending 50 - 100 texts per day to our cleaner. telling her how beautiful she is (she is not) how wonderfull, how she is his best friend, the only one who truely understands and knows him, how terrible our marriage is and that he is leaving me. he only admitted to this when i accidentally discovered a private message he was sending on FB to another woman, repeating what he had told the cleaner. he said he was sorry and that he was clearer in his head now that he would stop and had already decided to stop and would let me see the texts, ( only the last couple of months available as he had already deleted the earlier ones before I found out) . beacause i was going to see the texts he had to admit to me that he had bought her birthday presents and taken her to lunch for her birthday. this made me physically sick because I can count on one hand the number of times he has gone himself and bought me a birthday or christmas present, it is always I don't know what to get you so just get yourself something. it really hurt to think he wanted to spend the time and effort going and getting her something when he wouldn't put the efford in to me. I never wanted anthing expensive just any little thing that he had taken the trouble to get.
The texts would start at 6.30 in the morning whilst he was in bed and I was downstairs in the kitchen making his coffee and putting up his lunch to take to work, they continued all day, god knows how he got his work done, (well to be honest he didn't because our business was doing badly and losing money,) and would continue all evening till 2 or 3 in the morning whilst he was lying next to me in bed.
Always telling her she was wonderful and wanting to know where she was and who she was with.
Then I discovered he had loaned her money about £2500.00 in total (He lied about the amount and only admitted the amounts as and when I found out about them.) Then i discovered that the birthday 'lunch' was actually an evening date when I thought he was out with male friends. he admitted he had said it was a lunch date cos it would hurt me more to find out he had lied to my face when going out in the evening. he had gone back to hers for coffee.
I discovered again that he had been to hers several times for a coffee and a chat !!! and that he had gone several times and picked her up to take her to work (she cleanes part time in the offices that are based in the same industrial estate where our business's are.)
The week of her birthday, he spent a lot of time with her, running her and her idle layabout of a daughter about and just generally playing happy families with them and getting all 'excited and nervous' about giving her the birthday presents, I read the text where he told her it was the 'best week of his life' - just wonderful.
he promised me he had never been to hers when her daughter wasn't there and then a few weeks ago it slipped out that he went there knowing that the daughter was away for the day.
he came home when she was cleaning at our house and stood in the kithchen with us both whilst I was making coffee for us and it makes me ill to think they were both laughing at me not knowing their dirty secret. and it gave him an excuse to take her into her work. When i went in to our shop to stand in whilst our son was on holday he arranged for her to come in and 'help me' then he came in himself for most of the time, i now know it was to be with her and on checking the times of his texts, they were actually texting each other right in front of me. He says there was no sex at all and that wasn't what he needed from her and i didn't read anything to say there was, but when i do a spotlight search on his Iphone for the word sex, although it only brings up the first few words of a deleted text, the rest of the text must have contained the word and there is one from him starting with 'for all that i have I would give it all if ..... and there are several from her saying that no she doesnt want a full relationship with him but she will go out with him - and she then has the cheek to say she has done nothing wrong. I feel that if it wasn't physical, he wanted it to be and it is only cos she didn't that nothing else happened. so it makes it just as bad. he gave her is full emotional attention, time, and effort and withdrew it all from me and our marriage and it hurts so much that this man that I would have trusted with my life and would never have believed could behave in such an underhand and cruel way would be so disloyal to me. he told her conversations we had about everything, even work and even had the gall to blame me for the state the business had got into when all the time it was him spending his time running round for her and texting her every few minutes. There is nowhere I feel safe now, as she has been cleaning in my home and in our business and he has text her from every room and place we are. I told him it was like they had left a slimey trail over every part of my life and nowhere is unaffected. even holidays and weekends away, he texted her constantly.
we are trying to get over this, he admits to being in the wrong and knows he has hurt me and destroyed my trust in him. he has done the right thing and deleted all contact details and facebook and he does not speak to her if he sees her at work. I have full access to his phone, ipad and emails and he constantly tells me how sorry and ashamed he is, how much he loves me and knows what is important, ie me and his family BUT i cannot trust him, everything he told me was only after I had already discovered it so I am constantly wondering what he hasn't told me cos I haven't discovered it. I dont know whether he is with me because he really wants me or because she didn't want that from him so he can,t move in with her. The other woman he was talking to on Facebook, flirting, going to take her out when he divorced me etc, told him he 'ran around like a puppy on heat' very flattering
I know my situation is better than many of you here but god it hurts so much and isn't getting any easier .
Sorry this was so long, I haven't told anyone about this and the only person I talk to about it is my H who even whilst admitting he is in the wrong, doesn't see that this was an EA or that he was unfaitful to me.
any input from fellow sufferers would be appreciated. Thank you for reading my long winded introduction, there is more but it would take pages.