This is where when we say R isn't for the weak of knee or the faint of heart. IT's HARD HARD stuff.
Ok so you realize you have FOO issues, and that is a start. What are you doing to overcome those, and understand them?
Your wife has some serious issues too, and what is she doing to overcome, understand and heal from them?
My point is it takes hard work from both of you to get to a point where you are able to trust again, and you may never be able to blindly trust again, and honestly you shouldn't. She needs to understand that as well. She has to have some inkling of what you have gone through and had to deal with from her betrayal, and your moms.
DO NOT allow her to give you the whole, I won't be babysat, your smothering me, You are so overbearing crap. NOPE she is not allowed to play that card.
YOU have every right to be completely honest with her, that you do NOT trust her now, and she knows exactly why. You have every right to see her phone, her email, hear her converstations, the only room for privacy in a M is for taking a poop, and MAYBE around your birthday. THAT IS IT.
She's touchy feely, and that makes you uncomfortable, and that is understandable. So does she get that? Is she trying to change that? If so great. If not what are you willing to tolerate?
Part of healing is acceptance. Acceptance that you CANNOT control her, you CANNOT force her to not drink, you CANNOT force her to not flirt, you CANNOT force her to have remorse. SHE has to do that. She has to do that for her.
The funny thing is when she does start doing those things, and those things are heartfelt and true, and real, the obsession slowly fades away. When the real changes are made, and the relationship starts to heal, she won't care that you feel the need to watch every move, because she isn't doing anything questionable. As a result you see her not doing those things and you slowly being to adjust and trust a tiny bit, and a bit more, and abit more.
One day you realize hey I haven't obsessed on this all day, week, month. It is quite freeing. But it takes a combination of hard work from both of you, real change from her, and TIME. Lots and lots of time.