SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

dazed2 posted 1/10/2014 11:03 AM

Not sure where to start but I just found out about my husband. I am in total shock. I can not believe he would do this to our family or me. He is a "upstanding" man in our community and church. I can not talk to anyone about this, not friends, family or church leaders. I am just so hurt and angry that he would put us in this position. We have our own business so I have to see him everyday. And we have four children, they can not know what their father did. We will have been married 25 years in March. We did marry young but I truly believed we meant for each other. We have been through so much and it finally seemed to be coming together and he does this! I just can't focus on anything else. I do not know what to do? He apologized and said he would do anything he had to do to fix it. Do I trust him? I found texts he did not delete and even when I confronted him he did not own up to it at first. 2 days later he came clean what had happened. Worst 2 days of my life because I knew and he would admit it. Anyway, I know I am rambling but thank you for letting me rant :)

bobf posted 1/10/2014 11:22 AM

Welcome to the club no one wants to join.

You will find a lot of helpful info in the healing library. Read the betrayed spouse FAQ and even read the wayward spouse FAQ as a start.

Post as problems come up. There is a tremendous amount of practical experience represented here by all our experiences and we can help.

Stay strong and take care of yourself and realize it is 100% your spouses fault that he cheated.

littlefoggy posted 1/10/2014 11:39 AM

Hi and welcome. I am so sorry you are here.

This is an amazing support group for what you are going through.

Start the 180 now. It is in the FAQ. It is to help you heal.

Eat what you can. Drink water. And try to take care of yourself.

gutfeeling posted 1/10/2014 12:13 PM

I'm really sorry.

Be careful about feeling like you need to protect him and his reputation (not saying you need to tell your kids) but if WH understands that you are protecting him (won't tell kids, won't tell church, won't tell friends and family) then he really has no repercussions for his actions and may not stop.

DLP50 posted 1/10/2014 14:00 PM

So sorry that you are here.

There is a lot of excellent information on this site and everyone is so willing to listen and offer their experiences. I have read so much about others and I feel that I don't have to deal with this alone.

tushnurse posted 1/10/2014 14:05 PM

Welcome Dazed -
You have found a safe place to ask questions, get support, and figure out how to navigate this shitstorm your life has just become.

None of us ever plan to be here, yet you can see we are over 40K strong.

You don't offer a lot of info, and hey that's fine, but a few thoughts, and my Newbie to do list is to follow.

How long was it, who was it with, and do they have a spouse, if so that other spouse has every right to know what happened, and you can and should tell. Don't tell H you are going to tell, just do it. These things thrive in the dark, and fantasy land the sooner you can drag this thing into the daylight the sooner all the ugliness will be revealed, and things will end.

Read in the healing library over there to your left. There is a ton of useful information, I will also bump some thread that have bullseyes please read the first parts of them, they have helpful information to give you an idea of where to go from here, and How to stay sane doing it.

Now you probably are completely overwhelmed with grief and pain, and that is normal. You may even be thinking or asking yourself what could I have done to prevent this, and how do I fix it. Don't torture yourself. Your H's choice to have an A, is exactly that HIS choice. It's about his need for added attention, ego boosting, and poor boundaries. More on that later.....

Right now you need to focus on you, are you able to sleep? Eat? and stay hydrated? If so great, keep up the good work, if not then you need these basic 3 things to even begin to form rational, solid thoughts. So if you can't call your Dr, and ask for a little pharmaceutical support during this time. Some of us have to take antidepressants (ad's) and others require antianxiety meds to get through this. IT's ok. This quite possibly the most traumatic even of your life.

If your H admits to an A, then you have to take into account that he is probably lying if he says he used protection, in any case I strongly suggest you get STD tested, and yes the full deal, pap, and blood work. Do NOT allow yourself to be intimate with him again, until he has been tested, and has written proof of being clean.

Next no matter what you decide to do, know that you don't have to make a decision today, tomorrow, or next week or next month. YOU DO need to see an attorney, and I tell all new members this. Find out what your rights are, his obligations, and responsibilities are should you choose to S (separate) or D(divorce).

You need to figure out if you want to try to make it work and R (reconcile) your M (marriage). If you are leaning toward R then you need to figure out what you want and need from him for it to happen, and be very very clear what those things are, and that not doing them has severe consequences that you absolutely have to stick to.

Whatever choice you make is yours, and we will support you on that. However please know that the things that you think you should do, and want to do, are most likely the things that allow him to either continue, or not learn from. No one saved their marriages by nicing their spouse back. This is a long tough thing to get through, but you will.

Keep reading, keep posting, and remember you did nothing to deserve this, and you are worth much more.

((((and strength))))

megs56 posted 1/10/2014 14:09 PM

So sorry that you find yourself here. But I echo what everyone else has said about this being an amazing place to get support and advice.

Posting on here and reading stuff in the healing library is a great way to start.

(((dazed2)))

damaged71 posted 1/10/2014 14:43 PM

Dazed...

Sorry you are here.

I'll reiterate this. As usual TushNurse nailed it.

Now you probably are completely overwhelmed with grief and pain, and that is normal. You may even be thinking or asking yourself what could I have done to prevent this, and how do I fix it. Don't torture yourself. Your H's choice to have an A, is exactly that HIS choice. It's about his need for added attention, ego boosting, and poor boundaries. More on that later.....

Something to add that I think might help. No, your husband didn't know how bad this was going to hurt you. I say that because until it happens to you, knowing this level of pain exists isn't even possible. There is no way that he will ever understand either. I know that was something that plagued me for a very long time.

It sucks to have your life blown up by this and completely without choice and action of your own. It's kind of like "what do I do now"?

You don't have to do anything. If you have to go to the Doc and get something to take the edge off please do. I am a veteran and thought I knew what stress was. Until this I was wrong.

Post often, folks are here to help. Good luck.

dazed2 posted 1/10/2014 14:54 PM

Thank you all for the help and suggestions but especially the hugs. I felt so alone and lost with no one to listen to me so I truly appreciate you all.

As to the whole story...I found texts on his phone to a number I did not know. I was checking up on him, I trusted him totally and knew he would never cheat on me. But I had his phone because he could answer it at the time and asked me. I saw there was an text he had not read and that is when I saw it. He was asking someone to meet him and was it was very flirty. I looked up the number on the internet and saw it was an escort service. Bomb dropped! I could not breathe but I could not confront him then...we were in the middle of putting together a bid for a project and it was in a couple hours. Forward a couple days when he finally admitted he told me it was twice and there was no intercourse. Not sure if I believe him or not.
I just do not know where to go from here. As for protecting him. I am not protecting him but my kids and me. My kids are 23, 17, 13 and 10. He has swore to me he won't do it again. That he knows it as wrong but that does not make my pain go away. I just can not believe this has happened and every time I wake up I think maybe it was a dream but it is not.

ascian posted 1/10/2014 15:16 PM

Do I trust him?

I believe the old maxim is "Trust but verify." It's possible that he only went on "dates" with the escorts, with no intercourse, but it's equally possible that he's lying to protect himself or, in a twisted way, to try and protect you. My wife didn't engage in that when I confronted her about her affair, but a lot of people here have had to deal with this "trickle truth."

I'm sorry you find yourself here, dazed2, but SI is a great community and an excellent resource. You'll find a lot of good advice here, and, even better sometimes, a lot of good listeners.

The only advice I can really offer for you right now is: take care of yourself, and figure out what you need and what you want going forward.

Skan posted 1/10/2014 17:19 PM

Dazed, welcome to the most supportive place that you never wanted to be.

He was asking someone to meet him

it was an escort service.

he finally admitted he told me it was twice and there was no intercourse.

With all the compassion in the world, you don't really believe this, do you? You do not contact an escort service to pay someone to meet you to discuss world religions. You call an escort service so that you can get laid. For sex. It is possible that he "just" got a BJ (blow job) and is wordsmithing that that doesn't constitute intercourse, but if he wanted to meet a woman for casual conversation, he would not call an escort service.

I sincerely doubt that you have the entire story. And you know something? That is totally not uncommon. A WS (wayward spouse) rarely tells the truth right off the bat. You've already experienced two days of him not telling you anything. He's lying to you. Again, not uncommon. But please keep pressing because there is more to this story. I am not trying to hurt your or steal what comfort you might be taking because he told you that there was no intercourse. I am telling you that this is SUCH a typical WS response, that we say that it's right out of the Cheaters 101 Handbook. Buckle up. This is going to be a very bumpy ride and through no fault of your own, you have been thrown onto it and you will not be getting off for a very long time.

Please keep coming back and posting for support. We are all here for you. (((hugs)))

wanttogoforward posted 1/10/2014 18:01 PM

I'm curious as to why you are protecting his reputation..... is it to avoid embarrassment? Business repercussions? Your own embarrassment? Protecting the children?

Look into the reasons you are not wanting to out this...... if the church you attend actually practices what they preach then they may be of some help. Don't get me wrong- I'm not saying shout his poor behaviors from the rooftops.... but don't allow him to get away with this while dragging you down to where you get no support and he isn't accountable to anyone for what he has done.

Are you in MC? IC? Is he doing his best to rebuild and give you access to everything? Does his words and actions match? If he is not doing what he should then why protect him? Your two older children can handle some of the truth if necessary.