SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

33years posted 1/10/2014 12:29 PM

My WH keeps his phone cleaned up rather well, but I did salvage a piece of something he copied/pasted that must have been for the OW who he claims he in not in touch with now. In the beginning of their EA they called each other "brother" & "sister". His note that was still left in the "paste" area said, "It's been 11 months since we became brother/sister" If that's not enough to make me gag! Of course the EA turned PA.

I don't know if I can keep up the façade of reconciliation much longer - we just live with the big white elephant in our living room! I know, I know, I need to talk to him, but when we do, it is always just me doing the talking, he just won't talk.

SisterMilkshake posted 1/10/2014 12:46 PM

No, 33years, it is time for you to do the 180 and to get your ducks in a row. This isn't a remorseful man. Why did he come back if he was with OW and still is in contact with her? I don't get it.

Why did you stop MC?

[This message edited by SisterMilkshake at 12:49 PM, January 10th (Friday)]

Healing2012 posted 1/10/2014 13:10 PM

I am so sorry. My WH kept in contact with the OW, too...even while we were in MC. I was devastated. I think that was almost worse than finding out the first time.

I agree with the 180. It took me a while to get the hang of it, but when I did it (with the focus on me and not getting him back) it made such a difference. I felt stronger and in control of my future. That's not to say that we don't slip. We are humans, it happens.

I am only speaking from my situation, but there was no point in MC if he was still in contact. Are you in IC? I found that to be my saving grace (along with SI of course!). It was a way for me to get my frustrations and anger and sadness out and deal with them head on. I, too, had a WH who wouldn't talk.

I wish you peace and strength on this journey...

JanaGreen posted 1/10/2014 13:22 PM

Oh barf. I'm so sorry.

brokendancer7 posted 1/10/2014 13:32 PM

That is disturbing in more ways than one!

I second the recommendation for IC. I am another 33 year married person, so I understand a bit how out-of-kilter your world feels now. I have only been in IC for two months, but I am already learning so much about patterns I have had going way back in our M. It's already helping, and whether we R or not, I am going to be a stronger person going forward!

(((33years)))

lovedmesomehim posted 1/10/2014 14:19 PM

Hi 33years;

I am so sad for you, but honestly? I am angry too.

Just when I think I have heard every nickname imaginable! They called themselves whaaaat? That must have been some kind of secret code malarky they had going.

I have not read your story or past posts, but in my own experience, my husband would clam up when my memory became sharpened. He was still lying and minimizing and couldn't remember what he had said in previous conversations. He was attempting to keep his cards close to his vest and recontact the OW when I "calmed down."

My husband did not WANT to talk, because he had nothing of significance to say and he didn't want any slip-ups coming out of his mouth.

Like Healing2012, my guy had at least one IC appointment under his belt and sneaked to talk with the OW anyway. Sigh. Just mind blowing to me, even now.

Even the therapist looked at him and screamed, WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY???????

My husband was missing his hit on the affair pipe and was unwilling to stop talking to her. His reason? "I didn't want you to be the one in control." "I wanted to be able to stop on my own."

See what I mean? A hit on the affair pipe.

If he is cleaning his phone as you have said and not communicating with you sufficiently, then you are at best, in limbo...not R.

I agree with Sister...180 and start planning, because he needs to be pushed out of his comfort zone. Again, I am so sorry, but you don't have to be his silent partner in all of this.

[This message edited by lovedmesomehim at 2:22 PM, January 10th (Friday)]

steadfast1973 posted 1/10/2014 14:32 PM

That is the way my sister is with her OM, she refuses to stop associating with the OM, because she doesn't want her BH to "win". and she wonders why 2 years in, he is still angry...

loveisareddress posted 1/10/2014 17:20 PM

All I can say is...

33years posted 1/10/2014 19:00 PM

I've had several from SI advise me to get IC and a few recommend 180. I'm going to read up more about the 180. Thank you all for your suggestions. My sanity is waning.