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Embarrassed to be in public with WS

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Annonymouse posted 1/10/2014 12:37 PM

We live in a smallish community and I am embarrassed about going out in public with my WS in case we run into the OP. My WH finally told me her name, but I have no idea what she looks like. It is only 2 weeks past D Day. After our last marriage therapy session he took me out to dinner, but all I could think about was that she might be in the restaurant.
What if they run into each other? I don't think I could stand it! He probably wouldn't tell me. I've asked to see a picture of her so I would recognize her if I saw her, but he says he deleted all of her pictures and would have to contact her to get an other.
I told him that I can't go out in public with him for the time being. He was upset, then said, "Whatever." Am I being unreasonable?

MartlArts posted 1/10/2014 13:00 PM

You're not being unreasonable - you need to do what makes you feel most comfortable - or at least less UNcomfortable. I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this.

tushnurse posted 1/10/2014 14:56 PM

Eh there are a few ways to look at this, the way you currently are, being embarrassed and ashamed. Not sure why though, you weren't the one having an affair. You don't know who she is, and she probably doesn't care who you are. OW tend to be a little self involved.

OR you can Hold YOUR head HIGH, in the knowledge that you are taking the high road, you gave your H an awesome gift of R, you haven't hunted her down, and slashed the tires of her trailer home, or stalked her in walmart, to post pics of her on your facebook calling her every name she deserves to be called. NO YOU ARE QUITE AWESOME, and she should cower in your power and glory. Really.

Your H on the other hand he is the one that should be ashamed, and embarrassed, and afraid that OW's SO is going to come out of the woodwork and give him the arse kickin he so greatly deserves.

Sister YOU have nothing to be embarrassed about.

NeverAgain2013 posted 1/10/2014 15:19 PM

This is the age of the internet and pretty much everything is available to you via Facebook or, LinkedIn or any of the other social networks out there. Hell, just Googling her name should get you some kind of result.

Where does she work? Can you look up her work website on the off chance she might have a picture on it?

Your husband is full of bull when he says he has to contact her to get pictures. He knows damned well just a little bit of time spent on the internet will probably get you exactly what you're looking for.

one2ndchance posted 1/10/2014 15:33 PM

I totally understand how you feel. I felt embarrassed also. It's not because we, as BS, did anything wrong, but it has to do with our choice of husbands. It reflects on us. It reflects on our judgement. This is who I picked to be my husband...a weak, lying, selfish, immoral cheater.

Of course, we didn't know at the time we said "I do" that this is who he was, but it's still tough to feel like we were duped into believing he was a decent man with integrity.

Tushnurse is correct and we need to change our thinking, but it still frosts me that I didn't know who my husband really was and what he was capable of doing.

Bugger posted 1/10/2014 16:19 PM

I can totally relate.

But hold your head up high. You've done nothing wrong. Xx

Pass posted 1/10/2014 17:23 PM

Whatever? That arsehole has lost all rights to say "Whatever" to anything. The proper answer is "I'll do WHATEVER it takes to help you feel better and regain your trust".

Like the others have told you, you have no reasonable to be embarrassed or ashamed. You have behaved admirably; your husband and his slut have not.

But, I totally understand the embarrassment. I felt it too. You are not being unreasonable.

wanttogoforward posted 1/10/2014 17:53 PM

I agree with the others... a simple Facebook search will likely get you at the very least a profile pic. If your only goal is to avoid her and be aware of what she looks like then I admire you.... If I ran into the OW I'd want to rip her face off.... actually both OW- the one from many years ago and the newer one... but that's just me

Tickingtock posted 1/10/2014 18:28 PM

This is the second WS in like 2 days to tell the BS that he would have to contact the OW to get her the info she needed. Seriously makes me livid. It is so manipulative. It's a very thinly veiled threat.

jemimapd posted 1/10/2014 18:32 PM

I can completely relate. I had no idea what OW looked like. Once I saw her (took a while) and knew what car she drives, I felt much safer. It freaked me out that during all the time of the affair, she knew who I was but I had no clue that she even existed. I needed to right that imbalance of knowledge and power. Your WH needs to tell you her name, address and workplace. And anything and everything else that you want to know. Transparency is essential. Has he done that?

Harriet posted 1/11/2014 14:02 PM

You aren't alone. My ex had multiple affairs. I hated going out with him because he is well known in town so every time any woman at all said hello, I would trigger..."Is she one of them??"

Some of them I knew. I made him promise to tell me if he ran into any of them. Well, we did and he didn't tell me. He didn't know I knew who she was. They kept making secret eye contact all night. It was unbelievable. I was so stunned at this betrayal I wasn't even mad. I didn't say anything about it until 3 days later.

cliffside posted 1/11/2014 14:18 PM

I had met the OW once but couldn't remember what she looked like. I had to find a picture of her because I knew two things - 1) she knew what i looked like because she had been stalking MY LinkedIn so it's not a stretch that someone visting my linkedIn page a gazzillion times would also be watching my Facebook page - which felt completely violating. 2) She spends a million hours a week at a local mall and I wanted to make sure I knew what she looked like in case we were ever there at the same time. I only go to the mall once or twice a year, but since she seems to spend every waking minute there I didn't think it was a stretch that I could be in the same store and not know it.

I would not be ok with the attitude that you shouldn't know her info. I mean, she tried to wreck your marriage. I think you should know what that person looks like.

And you should. It be embarrassed - you did nothing wrong.

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