On Thanksgiving I had a moment where I pictured him alone and I felt sad for him. Then I remember all he did, and that he's still living with ow and has never shown remorse. I think we feel this because we are decent people that actually have a functioning heart.
I'm trying to be kind to myself right now - I had an attachment to this man for 10 years, and I can't just turn it off. However, I do think is important that we focus on ourselves right now - it is just hard!!
So, the guilt doesn't make you a freak. Worrying about him and his future also doesn't make you a freak.
But you have to slowly let go of these things. It will take a long time, but eventually, he will just become a runny brown stain on your past. You won't give him any thought. And Sister, that'll be nice.
I'm getting closer to that point, but I'm not totally there either. There will come a day.
The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous!
I think the only people that think I should give him another chance (a 4th chance) are my in-laws and my mom, who has not been right in the head since she had a brain injury a couple years ago. My inlaws are very religious and don't believe that divorce should be an option. How convenient for him!
There's something inside of me that doesn't feel right about this. I don't want to see someone I loved be a sad mess.
On the other hand, I look at what he did to me and I'm not the person to help him anymore. Also, and this is key, he has to want to help himself. He has to want to fix it. There is nothing I can do to change who he is. When I realize that, I feel less "guilt".
I feel some guilt about giving up on my marital vows. I really believe that he has an illness and I should be willing to stick it out but, 3 times! How much am I supposed to take? I think I have to leave him or I might lose my mind. I promised for better or worse but I am trying to tell myself that there is a limit. I know I didn't anticipate repeated infidelity when I married him.
I will say I certainly pity him more than I should. He had a very messed up childhood, abuse of every kind, and has been through some very rough times in his life.
BUT, I have to give up the thought that I can fix him. All of us have struggles, and it may not seem fair sometimes what some people had to go through, but there comes a time when you have to face these things, get some counseling if you need it, take meds if you need to, etc., but as grown adults, we can't keep blaming our past or other people for our actions. I mean, yeah, I could give him excuses for being messed up given what he's gone through, but I'm done, as is D.O.N.E., letting him abuse me and treat me like crap and get away with it without taking responsibility for himself.
I worry about my STBX, too, (he's giving up EVERYONE for his OW, his friends, his family, even the majority of time with his own kids), but like others said, you have to let that go. When you see a car going a hundred miles an hour, headed straight for a wall, it's tempting to try to do something to help, but only the driver can put on the brakes, and sometimes it's best not to watch..
The things he was doing to me, that I was starting to realize, pretty much killed any feelings for him by DDay. And, the things I have discovered about him and realized through talking with IC, family and friends since, have only reinforced that. He is truly a pos in every way. No redeeming value at all. His continuing actions prove that, almost two years since D and he won't quit.
In my case my wife has terminal cancer. I was her care-giver for almost 10 years. She made the choice to be with her AP, instead of working on our marriage and having me continue to be her care-giver.
I moved past anger for that choice (anger now is more around new choices she makes in regards to the kids). I feel empathy for what she is going through (I think she just began a new round of radiation this week), but guilt is definitely not the feeling. She fired me from being part of the down parts of her life.
I feel anger, resentment, sadness, frustration, exhaustion…but no guilt. In my situation I never really had any choices to make. He made the choice to cheat and lie for 18 months, I never knew he was even unhappy, and when he told me it is pretty much as he wanted to "have us both" and didn't beg for forgiveness or even try to save the marriage. So, in this particular divorce he can have all the guilt….don't want it, don't need it, don't deserve it.
Maybe I feel a tiny bit of guilt over some of the mean things I have said to him, and wished I could have taken the high road on a few opportunities….but given the circumstances a few nasty words are nothing compared to what he did.
FTG- FUCK THAT *GUILT*!!