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movingbackwards posted 1/10/2014 13:21 PM

Anyone struggle with guilt? (Not sure if that's exactly the word I'm looking for, as I KNOW none of this is my fault)... but still, I do worry about what will happen to him. Today is the first day of our separation, so I'm obviously new to this part. Most of the time I do believe he is remorseful and willing to do anything necessary to fix things, but I'm getting to the point where I don't know if ANYTHING he does will ever be enough. I don't know if this is something I can live with, no matter how remorseful he may be.
I think this is why I feel worried about him and his future. I think I will eventually be okay but I wonder what the guilt of all this will do to him. I still love and care for him very much, and most of the anger is gone. I've moved very close to a place of forgiveness. But sadly, I think it may be just too much for our relationship to handle. How do I deal with feeling worried about him and his future? I know in my head that he's the one who caused all this, and he knew good and well what the consequences may be, and he decided it was worth that risk. But still in my heart, I feel bad for him. Is this as messed up as I think it is?

pregnantandsad posted 1/10/2014 14:04 PM

Yes, sometimes. Sometimes I worry that he will make a complete mess of his life (more than he already his). I worry he will become a complete loser like his father, and I don't want my girls to see that.

On Thanksgiving I had a moment where I pictured him alone and I felt sad for him. Then I remember all he did, and that he's still living with ow and has never shown remorse. I think we feel this because we are decent people that actually have a functioning heart.

BeHappyAgain posted 1/10/2014 14:05 PM

Hi there! I struggle with this daily; it's the main reason I haven't filed for divorce yet. We've been separated 3 months. My IC calls this "false guilt" because we haven't done anything wrong.

I'm trying to be kind to myself right now - I had an attachment to this man for 10 years, and I can't just turn it off. However, I do think is important that we focus on ourselves right now - it is just hard!!

sparkysable posted 1/10/2014 14:37 PM

I don't struggle with guilt. Why should I? For everything he did to me, I hope he ruins his life. I hope his world explodes. I doubt he felt guilty for one minute about what he did, why should I?

Pass posted 1/10/2014 17:09 PM

A lot of us feel guilty. That's because we're good people, and we were married in good faith that this was the person we wanted to grow old with.

So, the guilt doesn't make you a freak. Worrying about him and his future also doesn't make you a freak.

But you have to slowly let go of these things. It will take a long time, but eventually, he will just become a runny brown stain on your past. You won't give him any thought. And Sister, that'll be nice.

I'm getting closer to that point, but I'm not totally there either. There will come a day.

SusanR posted 1/10/2014 23:27 PM

I feel some guilt about giving up on my marital vows. I really believe that he has an illness and I should be willing to stick it out but, 3 times! How much am I supposed to take? I think I have to leave him or I might lose my mind. I promised for better or worse but I am trying to tell myself that there is a limit. I know I didn't anticipate repeated infidelity when I married him.

I think the only people that think I should give him another chance (a 4th chance) are my in-laws and my mom, who has not been right in the head since she had a brain injury a couple years ago. My inlaws are very religious and don't believe that divorce should be an option. How convenient for him!

PhantomLimb posted 1/11/2014 00:02 AM

I can see how poorly he is doing at self-reflection and he has floundered in several areas of his life, in addition to what has happened to us. I still tend to think he'll be fine because he's a smart man. But, I also think there's a good chance that he won't deal with his shit, continue to act crazy... and I find that sad. I used to help him navigate that kind of stuff. Now he's on his own and I personally don't think the life he's building now will be a fulfilling one in the long-term.

There's something inside of me that doesn't feel right about this. I don't want to see someone I loved be a sad mess.

On the other hand, I look at what he did to me and I'm not the person to help him anymore. Also, and this is key, he has to want to help himself. He has to want to fix it. There is nothing I can do to change who he is. When I realize that, I feel less "guilt".

And this:

I feel some guilt about giving up on my marital vows. I really believe that he has an illness and I should be willing to stick it out but, 3 times! How much am I supposed to take? I think I have to leave him or I might lose my mind. I promised for better or worse but I am trying to tell myself that there is a limit. I know I didn't anticipate repeated infidelity when I married him.

ButterflyGirl posted 1/11/2014 00:35 AM

Hmm, I don't think I feel much guilt. I admit I feel guilt that I couldn't do more, help him and save him from himself, but that's co-dependency.

I will say I certainly pity him more than I should. He had a very messed up childhood, abuse of every kind, and has been through some very rough times in his life.

BUT, I have to give up the thought that I can fix him. All of us have struggles, and it may not seem fair sometimes what some people had to go through, but there comes a time when you have to face these things, get some counseling if you need it, take meds if you need to, etc., but as grown adults, we can't keep blaming our past or other people for our actions. I mean, yeah, I could give him excuses for being messed up given what he's gone through, but I'm done, as is D.O.N.E., letting him abuse me and treat me like crap and get away with it without taking responsibility for himself.

I worry about my STBX, too, (he's giving up EVERYONE for his OW, his friends, his family, even the majority of time with his own kids), but like others said, you have to let that go. When you see a car going a hundred miles an hour, headed straight for a wall, it's tempting to try to do something to help, but only the driver can put on the brakes, and sometimes it's best not to watch..

thebighurt posted 1/11/2014 05:57 AM

Once again, Sparkysable has posted exactly what I was thinking. Am I cruel and unfeeling? Or just a realist?

The things he was doing to me, that I was starting to realize, pretty much killed any feelings for him by DDay. And, the things I have discovered about him and realized through talking with IC, family and friends since, have only reinforced that. He is truly a pos in every way. No redeeming value at all. His continuing actions prove that, almost two years since D and he won't quit.

Thefly559 posted 1/11/2014 06:10 AM

Guilt? For what? For what will happen to her? I wish her the pain that I felt and continue to feel and I have no guilt at all for what will eventually happen to that animal! I do have some guilt as to my part in the breakdown of the marraige, that is taking some time to get past. You should feel no guilt for his infidelity or what happens to him as a result of his actions. Just my opinion. Stay strong.

SusanR posted 1/11/2014 06:28 AM

it is harder when your WS shows remorse and begs for you to give them another chance.

kg201 posted 1/11/2014 07:21 AM

It's not guilt. It's human empathy for someone you have cared for.

In my case my wife has terminal cancer. I was her care-giver for almost 10 years. She made the choice to be with her AP, instead of working on our marriage and having me continue to be her care-giver.

I moved past anger for that choice (anger now is more around new choices she makes in regards to the kids). I feel empathy for what she is going through (I think she just began a new round of radiation this week), but guilt is definitely not the feeling. She fired me from being part of the down parts of her life.

sleepless34 posted 1/11/2014 09:40 AM

I feel nothing like guilt for what will happen to him.

I feel anger, resentment, sadness, frustration, exhaustion…but no guilt. In my situation I never really had any choices to make. He made the choice to cheat and lie for 18 months, I never knew he was even unhappy, and when he told me it is pretty much as he wanted to "have us both" and didn't beg for forgiveness or even try to save the marriage. So, in this particular divorce he can have all the guilt….don't want it, don't need it, don't deserve it.

Maybe I feel a tiny bit of guilt over some of the mean things I have said to him, and wished I could have taken the high road on a few opportunities….but given the circumstances a few nasty words are nothing compared to what he did.


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