I am in pain. I hurt so bad, and I am filled with anger, sadness, guilt, etc
WH had a talk last night.Last two nights Ive come home crying-first night I saw the OW and triggered, second night I looked the OW's kids up on Facebook and saw pictures of the OW and her family on vacation in Florida for Xmas all happy and wonderful. I got upset since she and my Wh ruined my life and broke my heart into a milliong pieces and she goes on like nothing has effected her. I am SO ANGRY.
I got more answers: they only had sex in break room,he was never naked only his member,never saw her naked, never saw the crotchless panties she wore to work the one day,he ACCIDENTALLY said he loved her one day because he was used to saying it to me, but didnt mean it and would text that to her but with no meaning. They had sex 6 times, gave her oral, SAID he had a hard time getting hard - she noticed and asked if he was having a hard time, and he said yes...he told me it was because she wasnt me. Not sure if I believe that. He had a hard time cumming. She cuddled him and tried to hold his hand but he didn cuddle back. He cant remember if she was shaven or not - obviously a lie. He said he never found her attractive. so on .
He BLAMES me for the A or at least part. He said I was being SOOOOO mean and horrible.He doesnt think I realize. He didnt like coming home, and I was mean to everyone and didnt want to spend any time with anyone. HE said that if I WERENT so mean, the Affair wouldnt have happened. He blames me for part.
I told him that I accept marriage problems but not one part of the A.
We got into it, him saying HE WAS sorry and did feel GUILT but not now. It was a year ago...and I should be over it, and moving on, and he bets that the OW and her BH are getting along fine and moving to teh future. He says I can come home crying and tell him about it IF its not about the A.
He doesnt care about how I am feeling. He says it will never happen again, because he now knows that it was a mistake. He says he never thinks of her. And that I make up all these crazy scernarios in my head about what I think the A was, and it was NOT. It was just sex.
I told him out hurt I was, and how he gave away soemthing about us that I thought very special. He thinks that thing was stupid.
I am so hurt.He is not remorseful, not anymore at least, he wants me to be over it and moving on. I am so hurt and I cried on the way into work. He kisses me and I love his kisses but I think of him and the OW and I hurt so bad. Im so angry at the OW and I hate her so much, and the fact that she is getting to go on with her life after ruining mine is killing me. My anger is consuming me, and my sadness is too. I feel myself slipping into that dark hole again. I am having a hard time finding any happiness in my life anymore and I can feel dangerous thoughts creeping in my head again (example today I thought if wreck and die in a car crash this morning it wouldnt be such a bad thing). I am so severly hurt, and sad. Sadness like Ive never experienced before, and I feel very alone.
My best friend isnt who I thought he was, and Im not sure if he loves me the same. Last night before the talk he claimed that he loves me more than I love him, I told him that couldnt possibly be true, after the A and me staying, but he said Ive been acting different, distant.
I just dont know what to do.