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Slighter posted 1/10/2014 14:55 PM

First Dday was 3 & 1/2 years ago. I made or horrible mistake after having a party at my house. Memories are fuzzy due to alcohol. My BS and I have worked hard to get our lives back to normal and get ourselves into a very happy place.

Second Dday was 01/02/14. The same thing happened on New Years Eve. I drank far too much and had extremely clouded judgement. This time it was with her best friend. OW also had far too much to drink and we both made a horrible decision. I have been honest with my BS about everything but there are very fuzzy moments that are not clear. I know that honesty, although extremely painful, helps in the healing process but there are things that I cannot give a clear answer too.

I am madly in love with my BS and have been for our entire relationship and cannot determine why I make such horrible decisions. I know that alcohol has a lot to do with my clouded judgement and have stopped drinking completely. My BS can drink just as much as I am but not make stupid decisions. Why am I so stupid when I am so happy with my life. Why have I tried to ruin my BS's life, my life, and the life of my children. How do I tell my BS I am sorry when I have said it before and then made the same damn mistake. I want nothing more than to fix this situation and have my BS know exactly how I feel about her and feel safe and secure.

Tickingtock posted 1/10/2014 15:21 PM

[Deleted. Didn't say anything bad but don't feel right about mentioning your BS.]

[This message edited by Tickingtock at 7:38 PM, January 10th (Friday)]

Simple posted 1/10/2014 16:11 PM

No stop sign.

To me it seems you guys wonderfully reconciled but didn't really set up some vigilant guidelines. I like the fact that you forever forsake drinking of alcohol. Just as other people can drink a glass of wine each night and have no problem, some people, to them, this could mean destruction. You may have some other causes besides alcohol here. Alcohol may be a convenient solution right now but please dig deep. We cannot fix something if we don't know the root cause. Any other "fix" are just band-aids, temporary. This will continue to happen unless you truly know yourself.

Be forever vigilant in your love to your BS. write down a contract and set up consequences for each action. Write things down that you feel you should do every day to be a better. Maybe that will help.

I hope you and your wife will do all right and find your way.

Jrazz posted 1/10/2014 16:34 PM

Welcome to SI, Slighter. I'm glad that you're here and trying to learn about how to heal your BS and yourself.

There's an obvious correlation here between drinking and making bad decisions. This doesn't give you a pass in any way shape or form - we are responsible for our choices regardless of our state.

How do I tell my BS I am sorry

That is not remotely the point. Telling someone you're sorry and getting them to "like" you again isn't the fix. You have broken her heart and your marriage at least twice here. You want REAL help? Atone for what you have done. Experience and express true remorse. Get into counseling.

I know that alcohol has a lot to do with my clouded judgment and have stopped drinking completely.

You've stopped completely.... for now. It would be in everyone's best interest if you expanded your circle of accountability (friends of the marriage, professionals) and got to the root of why the party had to include drinking to excess.

I really appreciate that you are here. The fix isn't quick - it's long and a lot of work, but your family is worth it.

Aubrie posted 1/10/2014 16:59 PM

Well I have no clue who you BS is so I'm commenting strictly off your words.

I know that alcohol has a lot to do with my clouded judgement and have stopped drinking completely.
Good first step.

Some people can drink like a fish and be cool. Other people cannot. The blood on both sides of my family is highly addictive. I don't drink or take any meds for that very reason. I don't want to willingly put myself in a potentially dangerous situation not only for myself, but my family.

How do I tell my BS I am sorry when I have said it before and then made the same damn mistake.
You don't tell her anything. You show her. Words don't mean squat. Actions speak louder than any words you may utter. Ask what she needs in healing. Then do it. IC? Make the call.

This is no overnight fix. It'll take time. Be honest and consistent.

Good luck.

Slighter posted 1/10/2014 18:35 PM

Yes I had an EA for two weeks. I don't know if it is about alcohol at all. I believe alcohol was a big antagonist that led me to my decisions and I saw that because I have never wanted anything else while sober. I am not in IC yet due to losing my health care at the beginning of the year. I desperately want to get into IC and MC. I need help. I am broken. This is not how I ever envisioned treating the love of my life. I have searched for different sources to help but haven't found anything yet. Although I am a non believer I am trying to find church groups that we can join to have any sort of counseling.

Jrazz posted 1/10/2014 18:43 PM

We have a lot of great resources in The Healing Library... information that we've collected, books we recommend. It's my understanding that many of these books can be found at a major library. That would be a great start, and really show your BS that you are taking ownership of this.

Tickingtock posted 1/10/2014 19:07 PM

I forgot to say: the title of this thread is wrong. You are not a horrible person. A horrible person has no hope of growth as a husband. You do. If you didn't, you wouldn't be here.

Good luck.

RegretfulHusband posted 1/11/2014 11:25 AM

You need to get to IC, and find the root of your issues. Alcohol seems to play a part (I am familiar with this), but alcohol or bring drunk is NEVER a reason why you cheat.

It inhibits decision making, yes, but there is a reason you made that decision, and yes, YOU made it.

I am not bashing you, I made the same choice. But true recovery and self-awareness comes from finding the "why" of that decision.

Strongly recommend IC, and possibly alcohol recovery if you drink often.

Best of luck, and know that we are here for you.

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