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Reconciliation question

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AndreaL posted 1/10/2014 15:19 PM

As I sit here and question whether I can ever forgive or trust my husband, the one thing I keep coming back to is what will this new marriage look like? Filled with doubts, insecurity, lack of trust? Will I be checking his email and text messages? Can a marriage destroyed by an affair really be rebuilt into something better?

I don't know if I have the energy to live my life like that. Starting over seems easier.

DLP50 posted 1/10/2014 15:34 PM

I am right there with you and definitely feel your pain.

I have good days and then my mind will go crazy almost OCD checking things. I donít want to live the rest of my life acting like his mother.

I raised 2 kids to adulthood and am not looking to start down that path again with an 50+ year old man for goodness sakes.

karmahappens posted 1/10/2014 15:36 PM

Hi Andrea

Well, you are just 6 weeks from your dday. 6 weeks of pure hell, I know. It sucks.

Right now you don't need to decide anything. My dday was in August and the decision for us to R happened on January 11. (hey that's tomorrow lol)
So it took us 5 months to decide we were in a position to try to R.

Those 5 months were a roller coaster. I loved him, I hated him, I wanted him, wanted to kill him. I stalked his facebook, phone records, emails anything I could get my hands on.

And then I started to breathe. It took me a long time. Most of the craziness was in my head, I let myself run ragged with what if' It was what it was.

Anyways, we had to get to a point of wanting R. It isn't a given and you don't have a time table in which to decide.

Tomorrow is our anniversary of R I guess, it's 6 years. We have a healthy, strong, loving relationship. We have healed, really healed.

I have no doubts, no stress about the A. No worries he will cheat. I don't check anything, but could if I wanted to. All of our stuff is open between the 2 of us and remains that way.

I can't tell you the last time I looked at a phone bill or got the icky feeling when a text or phone call comes in.

IF you do the healing, IF your spouse does too, and they are truly sorry for your pain and want to make amends you will get here too.

Don't accept a WS (this is MY opinion) that continues to lie, blame shift, have poor boundaries etc. They need to get it and want to fix it. If they don't making excuses for them will prolong the inevitable and your pain.

Just start walking in the direction that will make you comfortable. You will get to where you need to be, so don't focus on it as much and the evolution will happen, if that makes sense.

Sorry I am so long winded....

foolishlycluless posted 1/10/2014 15:47 PM

Andrea - I fluctuate between wanting to check everything, and not wanting to be bothered. Deep down I know that if he wanted to continue the A, he knows the mistakes that he made in the past, and he won't make them again. So, to some extent, why bother?

Karma - so happy to read about your R success. I hope I can write something like that some day.

AndreaL posted 1/10/2014 16:26 PM

Karma, everything you said is so poignant. I am so happy to hear about your attempt at reconciliation. I thought more time would help me heal, but it's only making me angrier. I feel consumed by my hate. I have never been insecure before, but I'm a freaking disaster. I hate that my husband had the power to shatter my self worth and self esteem. Your story gives me hope that more time will help me and come to a decision. I just want my old life back.

64fleet posted 1/10/2014 16:30 PM

Some can rebuild it into something better, if not after a while you simply no longer care to check. Either way, remember, you will be fine.

RealityStinks posted 1/10/2014 16:41 PM

Andrea -
I second what Karma said.

Maybe it would help you to know that I'm way better now (5 months post D-day) than I was a little over a month from finding out (where you are now). Now, my WW moved out, she is completely unremorseful, and I don't think R is going to be an option. But, at this point, I'm still open to R (the door is closing though) because I do think it's possible. I didn't feel that way a few months ago.

To echo 64fleet - either way you'll be fine. I haven't looked at a phone record or tracked my WW since she moved out on November 23. I don't care what she's doing right now, but it was not that way in the beginning. I checked constantly, but I got to a point where I just didn't care anymore. You'll get there too, either way. Just don't let his crap drive you nuts right now. Be good to yourself.

Hang in there.

Simple posted 1/10/2014 16:50 PM

AndreaL, the choice to reconcile or not is completely up to you when you have a remorseful wayward. If they are not remorseful, then R won't work.

I was destroyed by my FWH's multiple EA's PA's with multiple OW. There's even porn, loss of money (I'm the breadwinner...), etc. It all started when we were dating, when we were engaged, when we got married, and after we had our first child... he'd been cheating the entire time and I had a clue but ignored it.

I came to SI. Then 6+ years later, with a remorseful FWH and a very difficult, very hard, work through the years from both of us, our marriage is so strong and we've never felt so mature in our love and in ourselves. We feel "one" like we never had before. He even re-proposed and I truly gave the right answer for me and stayed in this marriage.

Does my FWH confess that sometimes his thoughts stray? Yes. Do I confess that there are times when I wonder why I'm in this marriage? Yes. I never said my marriage is now perfect. That doesn't exist. To me, marriage and love means constant vigilance to choose to love each other everyday. That's all that matters. My FWH is constantly brutally honest because he's afraid to not be transparent like he used to be. I constantly show my affection in the way his love language is and vice versa. It's constant hard work. THIS IS NOT A FAIRY TALE. This is REAL life. And all this work for me, seeing the happiness in my 2 children hugging both their parents is completely worth it.

I hope you find your way and this helps you.

AndreaL posted 1/10/2014 17:12 PM

I just want to thank everyone for sharing their stories with me. It really helps. Gives me faith that I will be ok. And I can have a great life again regardless what I decide. I just want that day to come already...

catlover50 posted 1/10/2014 17:20 PM


This is a really difficult point in the process; I soooo remember.
Checking his phone, email, friend--finder-- it was all so anxiety provoking.

Finally, however, I realized that if he chose to cheat again, in any way, I would eventually find out and the M would be over. I would not stop him by being vigilant and worrying constantly; he had to stop himself. He has the tools now, the boundaries and self-awareness that he always lacked. If he chose to betray me again it would be with FULL awareness--never again can he say that he wasn't thinking or did not stop to consider the consequences. Therefore my choice would be simple; I would be gone. And I would be fine.

It gives me a certain peace. Plus, he is so different, so attentive, so connected to me and interested in my happiness, that my gut is quiet for the first time in our relationship.

It can be done, under the right circumstances. I wish you all the best.

TXBW68 posted 1/10/2014 18:06 PM

I also agree with Karma - and Karma actually helped me many times while I was dealing with separation, possible divorce and then reconciliation. You are only a few weeks in. You have a very long way to go to truly heal, with or without him. It's cliche, but the best advice I was given was to take care of myself first. Once you can do that, everything else will fall into place.

I had a very unremorseful WS who left me/2 kids for his co-worker soulmate. She lives 1600 miles away. Their whole relationship was over the internet/phone before he moved out. She was his salvation. His one true love. Yep, I heard them all. But I still tried to save my marriage, until the day I stopped...

Then, I found myself. I didn't realize I was missing, but I was. After 6 months of separation, I told him I was finally ready to divorce. Something happened after that. He finally pulled his head out of his ass! He was nice to me. He started actually talking to me. A few weeks later, we started dating again. We took the time to get to know each other again and fell in love again. He moved home after 10 months of separation.

FYI - He broke up with his true love 4 months after we separated because he "realized they were not right for each other". He only saw her 4 days total during their whole 8 month affair. He didn't tell me until we started dating again though.

It's been almost a year since he moved back. At first there were a lot of trust issues. I found out about OWs 2&3 a few weeks after he moved home through a simple google chat he had not deleted while we were separated. I did check the phone/email/everything I could think of for a while. But at some point, I can't tell you exactly when, I stopped. I still have access to everything and he has access to my stuff. But, I don't have that Need anymore.

I know without a doubt that he loves me, and really always did deep down. He just didn't love himself for awhile. Now, he's in love with me, with our family, with our life again. We talk all the time. He tells me that he will never jeopardize us again. He knows that the gain is nothing compared to what he will lose. And I believe him completely.

So the moral of this very long story - it IS possible. But, give yourself some time to get thru the hurt before you try to make any decisions. Unfortunately, we don't have a time machine to get past the hurt and know how our stories will end. We have to tackle the hurt head-on to make life better. And it will get better, no matter what happens!!

((lots of hugs))

AndreaL posted 1/10/2014 18:43 PM

I know I keep saying it, but from the bottom of my heart, thank you to all for sharing your stories. I know it can't be easy, but you guys really are helping me. I feel stronger as a result. You are saving my sanity...big hugs.

Hope2B posted 1/11/2014 03:10 AM

This is such a timely thread for me to read tonight!

We're both in IC and going to MC. He is trying. He is trying to show me he will do what's necessary to keep me, although sometimes he misses the marks.

I'm having issues with WH not showing remorse--I hear a semblance of the words I'd like to hear, but they are a partial script he's parroting from the readings he's done. I believe that we cannot start the foundation of a new marriage unless he has remorse for his actions and behaviors, lies, subterfuge, and deliberately putting my health at risk (etc). I guess being able to get in touch with things and to show remorse is a big and difficult process for him.

He has regret (including that he got caught, that he wasn't able to end the A himself, and for the significant damage he's done to our marriage etc--oh, and he regrets that we got rid of his truck because he had sex in it, but 'it was only one time') but really, not much in the way of understanding and embracing and internalizing his remorse. He's working on that, but I think it will be a long time coming. He just isn't connecting the dots.

He actually mentioned a couple of days ago that it was difficult for him to understand things if he hasn't experienced it himself. Yeah, time for me to go out and have that A with Mr. Clooney! (NOT!)

I know I will never fully trust him again. I also wonder what this *new marriage* will look like--once we get there, IF we get there. For where I am in my life, I'm better with him than without him, and it's more expedient for me to stay married than to divorce.

Thank you all for sharing your stories.

[This message edited by Hope2B at 3:11 AM, January 11th (Saturday)]

karmahappens posted 1/11/2014 04:19 AM

I believe that we cannot start the foundation of a new marriage unless he has remorse for his actions and behaviors, lies, subterfuge, and deliberately putting my health at risk (etc

IMO you cannot start the foundation of any marriage without 2 healthy, emotionally available people.

If/when you have a WS not displaying true remorse it is best to heal on your own, detach, do what's best for you.

You cannot will them, nice them or love them into doing what's right. They have to get there on their own.

Walk away, even emotionally if you cannot leave the marriage. Start doing what is best for you. The WS will either get it or they won't. That isn't in your control. Whatever happens you need to be the best, strongest, healthiest you can be.




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