Hi Andrea
Well, you are just 6 weeks from your dday. 6 weeks of pure hell, I know. It sucks.
Right now you don't need to decide anything. My dday was in August and the decision for us to R happened on January 11. (hey that's tomorrow lol)
So it took us 5 months to decide we were in a position to try to R.
Those 5 months were a roller coaster. I loved him, I hated him, I wanted him, wanted to kill him. I stalked his facebook, phone records, emails anything I could get my hands on.
And then I started to breathe. It took me a long time. Most of the craziness was in my head, I let myself run ragged with what if's....eh. It was what it was.
Anyways, we had to get to a point of wanting R. It isn't a given and you don't have a time table in which to decide.
Tomorrow is our anniversary of R I guess, it's 6 years. We have a healthy, strong, loving relationship. We have healed, really healed.
I have no doubts, no stress about the A. No worries he will cheat. I don't check anything, but could if I wanted to. All of our stuff is open between the 2 of us and remains that way.
I can't tell you the last time I looked at a phone bill or got the icky feeling when a text or phone call comes in.
IF you do the healing, IF your spouse does too, and they are truly sorry for your pain and want to make amends you will get here too.
Don't accept a WS (this is MY opinion) that continues to lie, blame shift, have poor boundaries etc. They need to get it and want to fix it. If they don't making excuses for them will prolong the inevitable and your pain.
Just start walking in the direction that will make you comfortable. You will get to where you need to be, so don't focus on it as much and the evolution will happen, if that makes sense.
Sorry I am so long winded....