Forum Archives

Return to Forum List

I'm so ashamed of him

You are not logged in. Login here or register.

Bugger posted 1/10/2014 16:00 PM

My husband and I have been together 11 years. We have 2 children together, aged 10 & 6.
On the 20th November 2013 my world came crashing down.
I found photo's in my husbands email account.

On May 22nd 2007.. I was 5 months pregnant with our baby. I was at work & he was at home minding our little girl who was 3 at the time.
He received a phone call from a male work colleague asking what he was doing and whether I was home.
H replies "nothing" & "no" ... So this guy says he's coming up to my house.....And apparently a conversation went down at work about a female who wanted her photo's taken.
So supposedly husband didn't know she was coming too..... Guess what.. The two of them are at my front door.

My husband allowed these 2 entry to our home... Where my innocent little girl was sleeping.
The 2 people got naked and started having sex.... I've seen the photos.
They stop for a moment and she approaches my husband who was taking photos.. Puts her hand up his shorts & he allows her to take off his shorts. She starts oral sex & he takes photos.
He tells me the act lasted less than a minute. And that he didn't 'finish'...
The OW then finished having sex with the other guy while my husband STILL TOOK PHOTOS.
They left.... Dirtying my towels & sheets - he quickly washes everything & has time to masturbate about what just took place before I got home from work.

I had a medical procedure 10 months later and found out I had chlamydia - he still didn't confess to me. Even when I told him I knew I was clean before we started seeing each other.

The reason I found these photos was because for 6 years he kept these photos. Hidden from me in a secret email account....but he started a profile on a bi sexual site.. His 'ad' stated "bi lady required" ... And he made contact with a couple from our area using his actual name and photos of himself including when the OW was going down on him.

He says that there were only a handful of emails sent before he realised how wrong it was and he thought he deleted everything.

But I found the email. He claims it was fiction. But there are some parts I can't get over. He said he was bisexual. He said he'd done sexual acts on other males. He said that he and this other woman were f buddies.

He strongly denies any of this is true.

I don't know if I believe him.

He says that those people only came to my house once. And he never saw her again.

I don't trust him.

He moved to his mums for a while but is at home at the moment. I'm trying to make our marriage work but some days I am full of hate for him, that just looking at him makes me want to be sick.

- my mum was having surgery to remove cancer & I rang him from the hospital when he was out (getting drunk in this other guys company) to tell of my anger at my brother in law finding out my Dad (a serial womaniser) was on a dating site.... He sounded genuinely upset.... Yet this was the exact time he was doing it to me.

I should also say that I found everything out at the same time.

I don't know what to do. Sorry this was so long...

gutfeeling posted 1/10/2014 16:03 PM

It is really unlikely he got chlamydia from a 1 min BJ. My guess is that you are being TT'd and minimized.

I'm sorry.

Bugger posted 1/10/2014 16:07 PM

But it's not impossible.

I'm not in denial. I promise.

gutfeeling posted 1/10/2014 16:20 PM


Is this more helpful for you?

Here's a list of things to consider doing:

1. Have him get an STD test and give you the full report (physically put it in your hands). Until you see that, no sex.

2. Get yourself tested.

3. Go to MC.

4. Ask your WH to take a poly.

5. Give him the "rules" for going forward: Full transparency, disclosure, no email/phone without showing you, all passwords etc.

PS I totally understand. I haven't had dd (yet?) but when I wrote my story everyone told me that I didn't have the whole story and something happened. Even though I wrote my concerns on SI I wasn't so ready to hear everyone say that I was being lied to and cheated on. I still WANT to believe what he told me was all that happened. :( It's possible, but not probable.

Just like its possible your WH made up about being BI and about having experiences with men, but not probable. I'm really sorry.

lieshurt posted 1/10/2014 16:21 PM

But it's not impossible.

It's not impossible for me to become a size 0 supermodel next year either, but highly unlikely given I'm a plus size 46 year old woman. You can't think like that. You have to use common sense here. He has no reason to lie to strangers on the internet about being bi or being fbuddies with another woman. He's telling them the truth. He's lying to you.

We've been around long enough to know when they are bullshitting you. We've seen it time and time again. Your husband is doing just that. As long as he's lying to you, you can't reconcile.

I'm trying to make our marriage work

It's not up to you to make your marriage work. It's up to him. He's the one that should be doing the heavy lifting right now. If he's waiting for you to handle things, then go ahead and kick him out now.

Bugger posted 1/10/2014 16:28 PM

Thank you gutfeeling for your reply.

I just needed to get it out... To say what I know.. Putting it all in words was so hard.

Ok.. So forget about the chlamydia thing.

I'm a 32 year old woman whose just had her world turned upside down.

gutfeeling posted 1/10/2014 16:53 PM

And I am so sorry for that. Please feel free to get things out here. What else are you thinking right now?

How are you taking care of you? (Drink water, eat, sleep, stay away from alcohol, etc).

Most of all - try not to focus on what your WH tells you too much. Focus on what he DOES. If he is saying all the right things but you still feel WRONG - listen to your gut. If he's saying the right things but not doing them, listen to your gut.

[This message edited by gutfeeling at 4:53 PM, January 10th (Friday)]

painfulpast posted 1/10/2014 17:03 PM

I thought I'd heard it all


So, this 'colleague' - was he very close friends with your H? Because I have a lot of 'colleagues' and not one would show up at my home to have sex with a stranger while I took pictures. Think about that - on what planet is that even plausible?

Then, this strange woman just decides to take off the shorts of the photographer and put his penis in her mouth - but only for a minute. She brought him into their sexual photofest, but didn't have sex, or 'finish him off'. She merely performed oral 'for only a minute'. Still sound plausible?

Then Mr. Photographer shows up with an STD, where the likelihood of oral transmission is remote, but that's where it came from. Of course, for all these years, he didn't know where it came from. Now, now that proof of infidelity is found - well, that one incident, which of course is the only incident, is where the STD came from. Gee, isn't that odd? He's only cheated once, for a minute, and didn't get off, but he does have a set of photos of the event, that he keeps in his secret email account, and he sends these pictures out, of the one time ever in his life that he cheated, telling strangers that she's his fbuddy and asking for sex with men, women, basically anyone that would say yes.

But that was his only time cheating - with the colleague that found it appropriate to bring a whore over simply because you weren't there, and start having sex in front of your husband why he took photos.

The odds of his story being true are just a little more remote than the odds of me hitting powerball twice.

I'm very sorry. I know your world was just shredded by this discovery. But you must realize your H is into some versy dangerous behavior and has already exposed you to disease once. The next disease may not clear up with some antibiotics.

If you search that email address in Spokeo, I bet you'll find more accounts. If you search that picture, I bet you find more.

How did you find this email account? Check the 'trash' folder in the account, and the 'sent' folder. For some reason, a lot of people aren't quick enough to delete everything, but he will realize it, so do it NOW.

I'm so sorry - but he is lying through his teeth hoping you'll forget about this so he can get back to his strange double life.

painfulpast posted 1/10/2014 17:09 PM

gutfeeling is right - please take care of you.

I'm sorry my post was a bit blunt - but you need to see what you're really dealing with. We all wanted to believe our WSs lies, trust me. We wanted it to be the sanitized, innocent version we were presented. In nearly all cases, there was so much more. You need to protect yourself, and that doesn't involve letting him tell such ridiculous lies.

If a friend told you all of this, and then asked if maybe her H was telling the truth, about any of it, what would be her reaction?

Bugger posted 1/10/2014 17:28 PM

Thank you for your replies.

I just had husband on the phone crying insisting as fucked up the whole situation is, it's the truth.
My gut feeling is.... That my husband has issues. He starts his first counselling session on Tuesday but is booking us in to mc on Monday.

I want to know WHY he did these things.

He was about 140kgs - not sure of pounds? But morbidly obese. Whether it was the fact another woman paid attention to him? I don't know?

Bugger posted 1/10/2014 17:30 PM

P.S I am doing ok...ish!

Living, breathing, caring for the kids, working. It's a bit overwhelming but I have my mum to support me. X

NeverAgain2013 posted 1/10/2014 17:37 PM

Aww Bugger, trust me when I tell you that I totally understand how you feel and how much you want to believe.

But the sad truth is that there isn't a man on this planet who is truly heterosexual who would put a bisexual profile on a bisexual website, and tell a couple that he's had bisexual sex with other men - unless he was looking to get with that couple and have interaction with BOTH of them. There's no other reason a straight man would bother with a bisexual hookup site. If he were looking just for women, then he'd be on Adult Friend Finder or one of the thousands of other sites where he could look solely for women and leave the men out of it.

So it's very, very likely that the email you read about him being bi is true.

I also don't believe your husband's story about a coworker just calling him out "of the blue" one night and claiming he was coming over to hang out - and then surprised your husband by bringing a female 'who wanted pictures taken' with him. That's about as ridiculous as it gets.

This little sexcapade was planned WAY in advance, Bugger. This was no ambush on your husband. People don't just show up at other people's doors like they're stopping by for coffee cake then suddenly get naked on the floor and start going at it. The whole entire thing was planned from start to finish. Your husband definitely had more interaction with her than just a one minute blow job and god only knows what interaction he had with his male colleague. But that no sudden surprise for your husband. That was planned.

Honestly Bugger, it sounds as though your husband has been engaging in an alternate lifestyle for many, many years. Some of these people are meticulous about being safe but there are others have absolutely no qualms about not practicing safe sex at all. And lordy, when you add in the male bisexual factor, that just increases the likelihood of risk even more.

I think your husband needs to come clean with you about an awful lot of things. This stuff was no accident, and I'm so sorry you had your world turned upside down.

Return to Forum List

© 2002-2018 ®. All Rights Reserved.     Privacy Policy