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Thoughts on cheating and filing for divorce.

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ProbableIceCream posted 1/10/2014 17:51 PM

Given that divorce proceedings can always be called off later, why not ALWAYS respond to proof of cheating with filing for divorce? Indeed, why is this not standard advice? I don't see a down side.

(doesn't mean none exists.. thoughts?)

Skan posted 1/10/2014 18:26 PM

Well, you'll find a lot of people here who do recommend that in most cases. While I, personally, think that seeing a lawyer and making sure that you are ready to go to the next step, if needed, is an excellent idea, different people process differently, and everyone has to come to that conclusion on their own. Sort of like "forcing" someone to quit being a drunk. You can point out all of the pros in the world about staying sober, but until someone is ready to actually DO that, then they aren't going to be ready to follow through.

Williesmom posted 1/10/2014 18:30 PM

I did that about 2 years after the first D Day. I had been trying to R, but something just wasn't right. I filed, and D Day #2 came shortly after.

It did really shake him up, but I stayed the course. I'm so glad that I did, because I so ready for it to just be done by the time that the D was final. It could have been called off at any time.

movingforward13 posted 1/10/2014 18:35 PM

You can't force people to do things (and spend money) that they aren't ready for. Many new BSes don't want to go that far because they think it will prevent reconciliation, when in actuality, it may encourage it. Counterintuitive thinking.

I agree 100% though. Many BSes don't understand the power of filing for divorce immediately after DDay.
1. You immediately snap the wayward out of their fog.
2. You prevent false reconciliations by staying the course and ending the marriage.

No having to deal with multiple DDays, underground affairs, tickle truth, etc. my next relationship/ marriage, if I am cheated on, I am filing for divorce immediately. And taking it a step further, there will be a prenup signed before the marriage containing an infidelity clause.

[This message edited by movingforward13 at 6:37 PM, January 10th (Friday)]

nomistakeaboutit posted 1/10/2014 18:37 PM

I think there are several reasons.

1. It costs money.
2. It is emotionally difficult.
3. It communicates a desire to divorce versus a desire to reconcile.
4. It takes time to process what the hell just happened, when people get blindsided by infidelity. I went for two weeks wondering if as was possibly going to wake up,from the nightmare (not literally, but, you know, just not being able to believe it could have possibly really happened).

I'm sure there are more.

suckstobeme posted 1/10/2014 18:42 PM

I think there is a very thick BS fog that stops most people from experiencing the urge to file for D as the first reaction. There is that period of utter disbelief and then we try to bargain with the wayward, God, the mailman, the dog, whoever will just bring our "normal" pre A lives back. We see glimpses of the "old" spouse and hope and pray all of him or her will somehow turn around and find their ways back home.

Then there is the fear. D is a huge step and one that many people fear, particularly if there are children, lots of debt, and only one spouse who earns an income. Although you can always stop a D proceeding, I don't know that it's that easy logistically. At some point, someone will have moved out, family will be told about what's happening and why, children will be devastated and will be forced to process this new family dynamic. Legally, its easy to stop. But realistically, its not something to easily go back on once that ball starts to roll.

I know some people here were able to file very quickly after DDay. I know one person IRL who did it with warped speed. I think it takes a lot of strength and an in tact sense of self worth and self esteem to do it.

ProbableIceCream posted 1/10/2014 19:07 PM

suckstobeme: Took me only two weeks, but this is because a friend of mine convinced me to talk to a lawyer about options and I got a sense that I could actually GAIN a lot from divorce, and I knew that it was easy to stop. Oh, and my XWW said she wanted to stay married but "could not" give up the OM. So the only hope I had that I knew I could count on was a new life.


In my state, and I imagine in most states, through most of the process, to stop it you just stop filing things with the court. Heck, in order to finish the process you have to either file for a default judgment or pay the stupid answer fee or prove that you can't afford it. (of course, if the OTHER party wants to finish it, you can't do much about that, but at least you got the ball rolling and you're no longer responsible for new debts)

BeyondBreaking posted 1/10/2014 19:22 PM

Filing for divorce, and divorce proceedings is very expensive for some people.

Especially when the BS is in a state of shock, making those kind of rash decisions can be more harmful than helpful.
Immediately serving a WS with divorce papers when the BS is not necessarily wanting to divorce, or wanting to work it out really is bad communication on the BS's part. I see divorce as a last resort- when all other options have failed for one reason or another. If my H served me with divorce papers, it would tell me that he was no longer interested or vested in trying. The WS might go back to the OP or continue cheating right away instead of making an effort to stop- making the problem even worse.

I can see how it would work for some people, but not for others.

gonnabe2016 posted 1/10/2014 21:10 PM

The WS might go back to the OP or continue cheating right away instead of making an effort to stop- making the problem even worse.

IMO, if this occurs then a D is inevitable anyway. May as well rip off that band-aid quickly and be done with it.

I am not a proponent of immediate filing unless cheating is a deal-breaker for the BS. My view of marriage is that it is a "we're in this together, we're both human and fuck up" thing. If cheating isn't an immediate deal-breaker, I don't see where running right to the courthouse serves any purpose.

However, once it becomes apparent that the WS is an UNREMORSEFUL WS......a visit to the courthouse can't come soon enough.

Lostinthismess posted 1/10/2014 21:15 PM

Children. Not going to put my kids through that unless I mean it.

phoenixrise posted 1/10/2014 21:28 PM

About 1 mo after d day I went to the court and took a mandatory d class filled out the paper work to line up my ducks my wh knew about it I moved out and was going to pull kids to another school I set a return date to turn in paperwork and just couldnt do it my WH was showing signs of truly wanting me to stay and had made an apt for us for MC and was pushing a book in my face...I decided to stay but dont regret taking the class and being informed/ prepared ...I realized how much I still loved him and how much he wanted us again...only time will tell if I made the right choice but at least now I am familiar with the steps and what is involved

ProbableIceCream posted 1/10/2014 21:54 PM

Good point.. maybe I should have qualified that by saying when it's clear the WS is unremorseful (which is of course hard to gauge from the BS fog).

ProbableIceCream posted 1/10/2014 21:59 PM

So downsides I'm seeing include, but are not limited to,

-- BS may not be emotionally ready to file, period

-- children could be unnecessarily hurt (although i'm not clear on how filing hurts them more than the drama surrounding affairs/reconciliation/whatever)

-- costs significant money to file!

so as an alternative

-- free lawyer consult, which is already recommended

-- 180, which is already recommended

-- everything else in the tactical primer, for example

-- participation in support group (here works well).

So yeah, seems like the advice and support given here are pretty much on the mark.

nomistakeaboutit posted 1/10/2014 22:31 PM

Yes. Unremorseful does make a difference. Sometimes is takes a little while to figure out that there is no remorse. Hey, sometimes so still can't believe it, and I've been D for over a year!

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