(doesn't mean none exists.. thoughts?)
D-Day, June 10, 2012
It did really shake him up, but I stayed the course. I'm so glad that I did, because I so ready for it to just be done by the time that the D was final. It could have been called off at any time.
I agree 100% though. Many BSes don't understand the power of filing for divorce immediately after DDay.
1. You immediately snap the wayward out of their fog.
2. You prevent false reconciliations by staying the course and ending the marriage.
No having to deal with multiple DDays, underground affairs, tickle truth, etc. my next relationship/ marriage, if I am cheated on, I am filing for divorce immediately. And taking it a step further, there will be a prenup signed before the marriage containing an infidelity clause.
[This message edited by movingforward13 at 6:37 PM, January 10th (Friday)]
1. It costs money.
2. It is emotionally difficult.
3. It communicates a desire to divorce versus a desire to reconcile.
4. It takes time to process what the hell just happened, when people get blindsided by infidelity. I went for two weeks wondering if as was possibly going to wake up,from the nightmare (not literally, but, you know, just not being able to believe it could have possibly really happened).
I'm sure there are more.
Then there is the fear. D is a huge step and one that many people fear, particularly if there are children, lots of debt, and only one spouse who earns an income. Although you can always stop a D proceeding, I don't know that it's that easy logistically. At some point, someone will have moved out, family will be told about what's happening and why, children will be devastated and will be forced to process this new family dynamic. Legally, its easy to stop. But realistically, its not something to easily go back on once that ball starts to roll.
I know some people here were able to file very quickly after DDay. I know one person IRL who did it with warped speed. I think it takes a lot of strength and an in tact sense of self worth and self esteem to do it.
In my state, and I imagine in most states, through most of the process, to stop it you just stop filing things with the court. Heck, in order to finish the process you have to either file for a default judgment or pay the stupid answer fee or prove that you can't afford it. (of course, if the OTHER party wants to finish it, you can't do much about that, but at least you got the ball rolling and you're no longer responsible for new debts)
Especially when the BS is in a state of shock, making those kind of rash decisions can be more harmful than helpful.
Immediately serving a WS with divorce papers when the BS is not necessarily wanting to divorce, or wanting to work it out really is bad communication on the BS's part. I see divorce as a last resort- when all other options have failed for one reason or another. If my H served me with divorce papers, it would tell me that he was no longer interested or vested in trying. The WS might go back to the OP or continue cheating right away instead of making an effort to stop- making the problem even worse.
I can see how it would work for some people, but not for others.
"What did you expect? I am a scorpion."
The WS might go back to the OP or continue cheating right away instead of making an effort to stop- making the problem even worse.
I am not a proponent of immediate filing unless cheating is a deal-breaker for the BS. My view of marriage is that it is a "we're in this together, we're both human and fuck up" thing. If cheating isn't an immediate deal-breaker, I don't see where running right to the courthouse serves any purpose.
However, once it becomes apparent that the WS is an UNREMORSEFUL WS......a visit to the courthouse can't come soon enough.
In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.
-- BS may not be emotionally ready to file, period
-- children could be unnecessarily hurt (although i'm not clear on how filing hurts them more than the drama surrounding affairs/reconciliation/whatever)
-- costs significant money to file!
so as an alternative
-- free lawyer consult, which is already recommended
-- 180, which is already recommended
-- everything else in the tactical primer, for example
-- participation in support group (here works well).
So yeah, seems like the advice and support given here are pretty much on the mark.