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HighSticked posted 1/10/2014 18:03 PM

Like everyone else here, I'm completely devastated by my W affair. She still claims that it was just a friendship, but the sheer amount of texts, and their content speak otherwise. They met in the classroom, he was her instructor. I know they stayed after class, and that they met on other occasions. She sexted him (both of us actually) and said it was just once, even though they sent close to 50 pictures or more. After DDay, the only time she comes close to showing any remorse is when we talk/fight. She never shows any outward emotioins of hurt, happiness, remorse, pain, sorrow, etc. About 4 years ago, I too, stepped out on her and had an affair that was emtionally and physically charged. It devastated me to see her pain, to see her not eat, to lose weight, to lose her train of thought, to watch her mood swings. I tried to comfort and reassure her in every way I could I gave her access to my PC, phone, email accounts, facebook accounts, and would tell her on an almost daily basis that it was over (and it was over). Now that the roles have changed, I get virtually NONE of that reassurance from her. She fights me on locking her phone and often turns me out to be the bad guy for wanting to know what she's doing. She says that she wants to keep her independence. Well, as of now, she's unlocked her phone and given me access to her PC. So she's showing some goodwill but I still don't trust her. After soo... many texts, and being so involved with him, I don't think they've quit.

After her DD with me, I was so ready to have my "relationship" with the OW and quit living the lie. I was relieved to have it out in the open. Because of my experience of hurting her, I guess I expect some of the same actions I showed to her returned to me. She thinks that's unreasonable and that they're 2 different things, and that the circumstances are different.

Anyway, things are an up and down rollercoaster. i think things would go a little better is she was more remorseful. It just doesn't seem like there is anything there anymore.

nomistakeaboutit posted 1/10/2014 18:11 PM

No remorse is a baaaaad sign, my friend. Since you have been on the wayward side of things and did feel strong remorse, it might be easier for you to imagine what your state of mind would have had to be to NOT feel strong remorse. It's ugly and not at all promising for the possibility of reconciliation.

I'm sure others will be along to offer advice. I feel for you.

Simple posted 1/10/2014 18:11 PM

You're both madhatters then. Not a good place to be but some people manage it.

Do what we tell BS' here with unremorseful WS': 180.

Take care of yourself and heal.

SeanFLA posted 1/10/2014 19:56 PM

Could be that she's never recovered from your A and now she's become detached from you after experiencing what it's like. To each his own so to speak. People act differently but not sure it sounds good. I had an unremorseful WW so I've been there. The two of you might simply be poison to one another now given there's probably zero trust left in your marriage. Gently, but what did you expect?

HighSticked posted 1/10/2014 21:41 PM

Sean. Good points all around my friend. I'm sure she never recovered. We both kind of just gave up on each other and essentially lived in the same house, each of us did our own thing. Our relationship grew toxic where we could hardly speak to each other without an argument happening. I'm not at all surprised by her actions and don't blame her. I'm mad that let her down years ago and after the A not giving her my all. But she never wanted or expressed a desire to be with me or the kids. She shut down. I don't blame her for getting caught up with some young hunk 10 years her junior that made her feel wanted, sexy, desired.

Now I'm in fight mode and want those years back. I want to be there for her. I want and can give her what she wants but she doesn't seem to want anything from me.....at all. She never wants to talk about any of this (I know I've been there before) and when we talk she's defensive and says she will not talk about it and that we need to move forward. It's hard for me to move forward if I don't know if she's sorry. I feel that if she's not sorry and remorseful that she's still involved with him or that she'll eventually get involved again with someone else. I've heard the second one is easier!