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Follow up to "What Are you doing this weekend?"

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regret12 posted 1/10/2014 19:19 PM

Well, H went out tonight. He told me earlier that he had no plans. It may have been his way of getting me to stay home while he goes out. He said he didn't know until late, but....

It's good that he is getting out. Thing is, he hates it. My H is such a homebody and I know he'd rather be here at home, with me, normal...before Dday normal. :(

So I'm sitting here and trying to enjoy my evening. Before he left we were standing in the kitchen and he was just sad. It wasn't written all over his face that he was sad. He's tired, it's Friday, he wants to be home and in his comfortable clothes, in his chair, with me beside him, holding hands and laughing or cringing together to our favorites shows (btw, we obviously have no kids and he can't be because of what I did to us, then lied about for the last 12 years.

Life is sucking at the moment. Alone and deserve to be is a hard pill to swallow.

Think I'm gonna start on that time machine I've always put off building.

Stillkicking posted 1/10/2014 20:15 PM

I hear you, I'm stuck in work camp thousand miles from my BS wishing nothing more than to be sitting with her, instead of alone with my thoughts. Today was the hardest and most emotional day I have had since dec 2012. We did this to ourselves though right.

RegretfulHusband posted 1/10/2014 20:24 PM

Hey guys.

I am sorry you are both spending the evening alone. I am glad to say my wife is here with me, but my triggers are really bad this week, so it's almost lonely because I'm trying not to live in my head.

In any case, I wanted to let you both know you may be physically alone, but you're still I'm good company here at SI.

regret12 posted 1/10/2014 22:36 PM

Thanks RH! Glad you are spending time with your W. Enjoy the evening, especially after a rough week.

I've been alone this evening but it's not been that bad. A lot of time to really think. Been journaling and reading here at SI. All very helpful. I've had a lot of really good thoughts/insights/ah-ha's this evening. So I think this time alone this evening has been good. I hope my H is having a good time too. He needs/deserves it.

Unagie posted 1/11/2014 06:51 AM

I'm sorry that this weekend is tough but something has been bothering me about this post and your other thread as well. That being that you put a lot of feelings of resentment and manipulation on your BH. He said he had no plans, and now he does and it was his way of getting you to stay home? Or maybe you stayed home and he can't really be around you right now so he goes out instead. He can't make plans as easily as you do so he is envious and resentful? Maybe he hates the fact that he has to go find something to do because his whole world was torn to bits. Maybe he is not resentful that you have more friends but of the fact that through your actions you took away his best friend.

I hear a lot of me me me me in your posts. He has not kissed me, he was trying to get me to stay home, I have no physical contact....Your posts are all about how tragic this is for you, I hear no empathy just criticism of your BH. Even here

he wants to be home and in his comfortable clothes, in his chair, with me beside him, holding hands and laughing or cringing together to our favorites shows

Why can't he be? What's forcing him out? He doesn't want to go to MC okay that's his choice. He has a wife who cheated on him and is still going out with her girlfriends and that for all intents and purposes does not look like she gets it.

In house separation can be HELL. I speak from personal experience because I'mm currently living it. When we were still together my SO would go out. He was the epitome of a homebody, he rarely hung out. Since DDay he has plans EVERY weekend, our DDay was over a year ago. While we were together I would sit home in pain and fear, only went out when my family forcibly came and got me to make sure I wasn't losing my mind. He would leave at 7pm and come home at 4am with no warnings and no calls. He would look angry and tired and my thought would be I did this to him, I blew up his world, of course he wants to be away from me.

Actions speak louder then anything else to a BS and just going by your descriptions....your actions show nothing.

regret12 posted 1/11/2014 08:19 AM

You know Unagie, you are absolutely right!

I sat here last night and had so many ah-ha moments it was crazy. And I came to several realizations about that. My BH did not want to go out at all. He wanted to be here, watching tv, chilling after a long week at work with his best friend/wife...the one who didn't cheat on him and lie about it for 12 years. I have no idea why this hasn't really sunk in to me, we are 5 weeks from DDay and I am still, even with 12 years behind me, trying to justify my actions.

I've put so much blame on him. But at the end of the day, I chose to cheat on him rather than stand up for myself and leave him. I was a coward. Regardless of what happened between us and how damaging his words and actions were, at least they were out in the open. He was saying "this is who I am and what I want". He got upset and wanted certain things out of our marriage and asked for them and talked to me about it. When I said no and it disgusted me, yes he went and wrote some hurtful things in a journal, but he was working through his feelings about us. What did I do? I went and had an A.

I really don't think I would have come to the conclusions alone and I have not started IC yet (I know, totally need to). Without the help of you and other SI members, your experiences and willingness to call me and others on our bulls"!&, we can stay in the fog of our denial and be validated by our friends who don't want to hurt our feelings.

Thank you. It was an emotional evening, but a needed one.

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