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The Pain of the "Facade"

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4everfaithful83 posted 1/10/2014 19:22 PM

Warning! RANT!

(6 months since DD, in R)

You know whats really annoying? I hate that (almost) everyone in our social circle has no idea what my WBF has done. I have told very few friends. But I know that they would all be completely shocked if they knew.

Instead, whenever we are out to dinner...or at parties...they all see me smiling and laughing and us being affectionate, and have no clue!

I know it means absolutely NOTHING at all, and what is happening is between me and my BF only, but sometimes I want him to feel the shame of knowing that everyone knows...and for him to be judged by the people he cares that so wrong? lol

Sometimes it just feels like even when the WBF is doing everything right, he never suffers as much as the BP...or as much as he should...

Harriet posted 1/10/2014 20:52 PM

Been ex was/is thought of as a saint and that I was so lucky to have him. During R, I didn't tell anyone except my 2 best friends. One time I got fed up and said, "You want him? You can have him," and got a very strange look.

Even after the divorce, I only tell people if they ask why we split up, but word has gotten around about how he treated me - the multiple affairs and cruel comments - and he isn't thought of as such a great guy by everyone anymore. In fact, certain circles call him a cad. Small potatos compared to what he put me through, but it still feels nice to hear that some of his co workers care how he treated his ex-wife.

4everfaithful83 posted 1/10/2014 21:28 PM

Thanks Harriet! Nice to know I'm not alone! I figured I wasn't. Same here, everyone looks up to my adventurous BF and even the few friends I did tell made comments like:

"WHAT?! If he would cheat then I don't have faith in men!"

and one girlfriend told me that my BF being unfaithful made her realize that her BF actually could be as well. Basically implying that if my BF was capable, then anyone is.

I guess that is the truth Anyone IS capable. But it is still a choice...

phoenixrise posted 1/10/2014 21:32 PM

You are a better person than me...I made sure everyone knew but there is a price to pay for that also...maybe its good that you didn't if you are the type that doesn't like judgements and daily advice in your can be a positive

4everfaithful83 posted 1/10/2014 21:38 PM

Believe me, I wanted to shout it from the mountain tops! I wanted all our friends to feel sorry for me, and in a way I felt like if everyone knew he would have to work harder to be a better man, because he would feel like everyone was watching how he "made it up to me"

But I guess its better that I didn't. I think over time I'd begin to feel like people didn't feel sorry for me, but were really just pitying me and wondering why I would even stay with him if he cheated...

We are doing pretty well in R now so I guess I'm glad I didn't do that...looking back

phoenixrise posted 1/10/2014 22:11 PM

Trust me there are days I wish I kept my mouth shut but don't feel guilty at ALL for feeling that way...we have all had fantasies of a public shaming involving flying rotten tomatoes and name calling there is just so much rage hurt and the wanting of vengeance involved...totally natural!! For me I didn't think he deserved the pedestal that everyone put him on thinking he was such a funny nice a way I wanted everyone s bubble to be burst as bad as he burst mine...but there is a price...some family members won't even talk to me because they dont respect me wanting to reconcile...everyone has so many different opinions and ideas...I think you made the right choice in your case...hugs

4everfaithful83 posted 1/10/2014 22:16 PM

haha, your tomato comment made me laugh!!

That really sucks that some of your family members have turned their backs on you...not cool

IMO - every person on this earth is only human, and therefore capable of mistakes. While I obviously hurt (every day) and have felt a crazy wave of emotions over the last 6 months, I don't think anyone should be judged in that way.

Its really easy for people who ARE NOT in your situation to tell you what to do...hell, before all this happened I remember having conversations with my girlfriends about how if my BF ever cheated I would leave his ass so fast he wouldn't know what hit him! And...obviously that didn't happen!

But before it did, I sure thought I knew what I would do! And what was right! Now I know that every situation is different.

I hope things with your family get better!! :)

phoenixrise posted 1/10/2014 22:24 PM

Me too...I used to have little respect for women who went back but have now vowed not to be so judgemental ever never know unless it has happened to you...funny how I was so sure I would leave...thank you and hope everything goes as well as it can in this sad circumstance they have put us through...hugs

Harriet posted 1/11/2014 00:20 AM

Wow - I can relate to everything you're saying! My exSIL cried when she found out her brother cheated. She said, "If he cheats, then no one can be trusted!" I wasn't exaggerating when I said people called him a saint. Hell, I called him a saint until I found out the truth.

And I'm over here raising my hand, me too! me too! I was 100% certain that I would dump a guy who cheated on me. Right. We tried reconciliation (I thought we were doing well) and 3 years later, he was the one who said he wanted out. I believe there is no way to understand infidelity unless it happens to you.

I didn't tell anyone about his cheating until I knew for certain that the marriage was truly over. I knew my family would never forgive him. They haven't. I don't know what they would do if I went back.

The funny thing is, the people I would feel the worst about disappointing if I went back are the people I don't even know. His co-workers who heard about all of his crap trash talk him now. He dropped off a resume in one office to woman there I never met her, but my sister knows her. She smiled at him and threw it in the trash!!!! How could I disappoint her?

Ostrich80 posted 1/11/2014 01:41 AM

Oh boy, I so get this. My ws coaches, every one loves him and can't wait to tell me how lucky.I am. Especially the moms. He'sso patient, he's so funny..blehh. He puts on.his nice guy face for his fans but at home, its a different story. We would pull up at games, usually he verbally abused me on the way,.kids would be upset. I would have a pissed off look on my face and keep to my self while he poured on the charm. Everyone thought I was the grouchy.bitch Mr happy go lucky had to live with. I told a mom one day who was telling me whata lucky gal I was, hey lady, he just called me a c**t 5 minutes before we got here and both my kids were crying in the back seat. If you like him so much, you can have him.

[This message edited by Ostrich80 at 1:44 AM, January 11th (Saturday)]

Hope2B posted 1/11/2014 02:37 AM

Gosh, 4ever, you took a page right out of my book--well, except for the affectionate part (he's contaminated to me)!

I hate that (almost) everyone in our social circle has no idea... Instead, whenever we are out to dinner...or at parties...they all see me smiling and laughing and us being affectionate, and have no clue!

Must be a compliment to my great abilities as an actress that no one has guessed, although one friend did ask after DDay #2 "Are you okay?" and I could blame the heat because we were having an awful heat wave. I smile and laugh and try to be in the moment, and enjoy the company of others, all the while not looking at WH.

For me, at this point in time, it's best to not disclose to others.

4everfaithful83 posted 1/11/2014 06:15 AM

Thank you to everyone who's responded! It means a lot to me to know that I'm not alone!

Worst part is...a lot of you wrote that you get friends telling you how lucky you are to have such a great guy/girl, and while I do hear that too...I usually hear how lucky HE IS TO HAVE ME!

He's a very adventurous guy (think BEAR GRYLLS! Google him if you don't know who he is! lol) and he's always taking crazy trips that are way beyond my (and any rational persons!) capability physically. He's also a mechanic, which requires him to spend a lot of time in the garage...every night.

I'm not going to lie that it is sometimes a lonely relationship, BUT I have been with him for 7 years and I excepted a long time ago the lifestyle that he lived. Isn't that what love is? I don't try to change him.

Most of our friends have told him how lucky he is to have a GF like me who is so understanding and supportive, and in their words "Let's him get away with so much!" Most of them are married and starting families, so their men are on "lock down" so to speak.

The thought of their significant others taking a three week motorcycle trip from Pennsylvania to California and back (which he's done twice!), seems so alien to them. Makes me want to cry. They all see how lucky he can he be such a dumb ass to have risked losing it?

I think what keeps me going is the fact that (sometimes its even hard to except this and hard to write it now) He IS a good guy. The only way I can even understand why he did it is to think that he made a terrible mistake. Because the man I know...the man I love...just couldn't and wouldn't do something like this.

But to mirror what phoenixrise said about throwing tomatoes - YES! Sometimes I'll be at a social gathering with him and I'll be watching him from across the room. Hes having a great time...and I just want to walk over to him and kick him in the nuts! So far I have managed to refrain from such Lucky him I guess...

cancuncrushed posted 1/11/2014 09:32 AM

I hate the facade between H and I. We are trying. Im in huge pain. H is fine. ANd we function beside each other in front of family like nothing is wrong. THen all hell breaks loose evenually.

Gotmegood posted 1/11/2014 10:07 AM

I find the facade absolutely exhausting. Pretending that everything is *normal and okay* is just another burden in this journey.
My choice not to tell family and friends is based on reactions of the world when a celebrity or politician betrays their wife. Too often in the discussions of scandals involving sex, the betrayed spouse is judged by those discussing the event. Think Tiger Woods. I actually heard people saying negative things about his wife. And then there's the constant judging of women who stay with cheating bums. So I opted not to tell anyone, as I did not want to be the *stupid wife* who stays in a marriage with someone who could inflict such pain. But yes, the facade, the mask I put on each day is tiring.
That being said, if we end up divorcing, I will tell EVERYONE he knows what a scumbag he really is.

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