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Nice guy loses again.

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jimbo25319 posted 1/10/2014 21:15 PM

WW and I have been split since June. She moved in with the OM and I've accepted our M is over. I filed in November.

I had a couple of dates with a lady in October, but got friend zoned quickly. The nicest guy she ever met , but..... You guys know the rest.

Last month I ended up going out with my good buds mom. She is also going through a D, and was a BS. We had so much in common and we instantly clicked. She made me feel special again and she seemed to feel the same toward me. I fell hard, too hard and probably too fast.

Yesterday I got the we need to talk text and I met her at her job. I got the "you're the greatest man I know and you're so special, but" speech. So long story short she really likes me but still hasn't reconciled her feelings for her prior boyfriend, who by her own admission is a drunk and treated her like Shit. So I got the "I need to find myself" old heave ho.

So now the STBX is trying to take what little I have left, my home is being foreclosed on, I'm probably going to lose my job thanks to the STBX diming me out, and the only bright spot needs to "find herself". If it wasn't for my son, I'd probably throw in the towel.

suckstobeme posted 1/10/2014 22:21 PM

I'm sorry. I hate that shitty kicked in the gut feeling.

I'm sure you're a very nice man who knows how to treat a lady. But, very gently, it's really soon for you to try to find a relationship, especially when you count on that person as your only bright spot. It may just be that you are so hurt and so angered that your WW has moved on with OM that you are willing to see whatever good might be in someone to try to find a partner again.

I struggled with those feelings in the beginning too. My asshole exWH left and just started a whole new life with the slunt. It was if our life together never even existed. It hurt something horrible and can sometimes still bring me to tears.

I can tell you though that once I stopped seeing it as a competition and started to not give a shit about them and their stupid life, I looked at my life in a whole new light. I dont have a partner yet - haven't even been out on a date, but it doesn't bother me anymore. I like getting to know my adult, independent self. I like reconnecting with my old friends and finding new ones. I don't really remember what it was like to live with a spouse. My house is now my house and me and my kids have our routines.

Yes, D sucks and it causes a shit ton of emotional and financial upheaval. But, that ends. Your goal for the immediate future should be to find your balance as a single person before you even think about inviting someone else into your life. And when you're really ready for that, you won't pick someone who is in as much turmoil as you. This woman who was your bright spot sounds like a bit of a mess. She's going through a D and is a BS, but breaks it off with you to explore feelings for a previous boyfriend who is an addict and an abuser? Trust me, she's not a bright spot.

Heal yourself, recover, learn to like your independent self and then you will be ready. You're just not ready right now and that's ok.

[This message edited by suckstobeme at 10:23 PM, January 10th (Friday)]

positively4thst posted 1/10/2014 23:18 PM


You have only been "split" from you wife since June? Anyway, in a nutshell, you should not be dating. You need to heal before you can enter an equal partnership with someone. Not sure how old you are but I'll state the obvious: You don't hook up with the mother of any one you know!! Get yourself together and focus on your son, not women.

mandan66 posted 1/10/2014 23:29 PM

Yeah bro---suckstobeme is spot on.
Get back on your financial feet, then you can worry about a relationship. I am almost 4 months out post divorce, and am only now seeing what I really want for a relationship going forward. But I get it; its much harder when your X is hooked up, and living the dream, and your dating life turns into a zero. But man, do you really want to have a serious relationship with someone who still carries a torch for piece of crap xboyfriend? Not trying to be mean; she may be a great gal, but to me that sounds like a red flag.
Do you have meetup groups in your area? I highly recommend it. Its a great way to meet women, people of common interests, and regain some confidence. Cuz no doubt, getting cheated on is a colossal ego killer.
Get back on your feet financially, and the other stuff will fall back in place, just watch.

JerseyCowgirl posted 1/13/2014 07:14 AM

It is hard to get that speech. She must not have had enough time after her breakup from her ex. I guess that is why a good rule of thumb is to wait a year after divorce before jumping back in. It has been over a year for me and I know I am still not ready for anything yet. My feelings are too fragile and I would be hurt horribly if that was done to me too. But I know when things get a little easier for you in other areas you will not be a nice guy finishing'll be a Great Guy finishing first with someone who will appreciate your qualities. You need more time.

Brandon808 posted 1/13/2014 08:06 AM

I want you to consider a few things. The woman you fell for was last involved with a drunk who treated her badly. By your own admission she made you "feel special again", so you sound like you value her for how she made you feel.

You are not in a place where you are able to make healthy choices in who to date. In other words you have the same problem I had to fix...broken picker.

Now the picker gets broken for a reason. Spend some on yourself. You may be codependent. I cannot say for sure but I have to wonder if that is not a factor here. Until you can do the work to figure those issues out then I would avoid trying to date at all.

jimbo25319 posted 1/13/2014 22:07 PM

Brandon you hit the nail on the head. I am codependent and I'm still working on those issues. But it sure did feel nice to be wanted and appreciated again. I just want to be loved.

Brandon808 posted 1/14/2014 00:34 AM

I hear ya brother. I hear ya.

HobbesTheTiger posted 1/14/2014 06:46 AM

Hi, I'm sorry to hear what you and your son are going through! All your hard work will be worth it, both to you and your son, who will benefit from having you as a role model, no matter how bleak the financial situations etc., and will, the older he gets, be more and more aware how lucky he is to have had a father who put him first.

It's great that you're working on the codependency thing, and I would recommend reading a book called "No More Mr. Nice Guy" by Robert Glover - it helped me a lot. I think you can view it online for free, or at least it was possible in the past.

One more thing - I think it'd be better if you don't date until quite some time after you will have been divorced. Prior to divorce, because it sends the wrong message to your son and could potentially look bad in court, and after divorce, because you need time to work through everything and because your kid will need stalibity from at least one parent... Talk to a family counsellor (or your son's counselor) about all this, or in your/his (divorcing) support group.

Best wishes to you&your son!

Ashland13 posted 2/2/2014 07:16 AM

The solitude is very hard, yes?

But also has merit. One thing that helps is to find and focus more on any little thing that's positive, rather than the negative and "what once was".

Sometimes this helps combat the dark moments and shows that you are still going.

movingforward13 posted 2/2/2014 09:59 AM

You need to love yourself-

Stop looking for love outside, focus on getting your life back on track and LOVE YOU.

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