SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

lonelymommyof2 posted 1/10/2014 21:27 PM

I have been with my husband since 2010. We were instantly attracted to each other, It really was "love at first sight". A few months into our relationship we were surprised to find out we were expecting! We were both so excited. October 2011 our son was born. He was born with a rare disorder that would cause him to be mentally and physically handicapped. It has been a challenge raising him, but doing it together we were doing great! Anyways, we got married Feb. 2012! Our whole relationship wasn't long..just three years. But, those three years have been nothing but bliss. He has always treated me like his queen, did everything for me. Always wrote me sweet messages thru out the day and made me feel amazing. Surprise, surprise, we found out in August we were expecting baby number 2! I wasn't so thrilled in all honesty but he was ecstatic. He wiped away my nervous tears and reassured me everything would be great and that he would be here for me thru it all. Here is where the plot twist happens...this november things got weird. He was not himself. He became a little distant, and although he didnt go out or anything, he started staying up all night "cleaning the garage" or "working on writing" anything to zone away from me for a few hours. I thought nothing of it and carried on. Well, one day when he was doing this my sister happened to catch a glance at a text message he was writing. She couldnt see what it said just that he had written a bunch of little hearts to someone. She told me right away and I confronted him. I had to pry it out of him, but I discovered he had been texting a co worker and had been for weeks! He said writing hearts and flirting was "just the way they talked". I demanded he stopped talking to her, and he said ok. The next day was my birthday, and he worked all day until 6:00 pm. I decided to stop by his work to say hi and we ended up getting in a fight over the same issue. I went home and cried a bit but expected he would be home and we would go out to dinner for my bday like we planned and all would be better. He never came home. I tried texting him, calling him all night, no response! Which was very unlike him. I was so worried. I ended up not talking to him until 12:00 pm the next day! His excuse was he thought he would give me time to cool down so he stayed at a hotel for the night, and that his phone had been dead all night. I foolishly believed him. He came home but things were weirder than ever. He refused to kiss me, to be intimate, would hardly talk to me! December 3rd was the worse day of my life. We were sitting on the couch and he spilled soda on his shirt so he took it off. He was covered in hickies all over his neck and around his shoulders. I immediately asked him who did that? He said it was none of my buisness. He was so cold and emotionless. I said yes it is, I am your wife! He said "not anymore" and took of his ring. He left me with our disabled toddler, and 6 months pregnant. A week later he finally told me it was a girl at a bar, and that he did not have sex with her just made out. He seemed to have no remorse and no care for how bad I was hurting. He tried blaming me saying that I treated him bad and that our marriage has been over for months. Fast forward to now: the last few weeks has been a battle with him trying to convince him we NEED to make this work. He has finally agreed to go to marriage counseling but refuses to stay here until we start it. He said he feels "different" around me now, and he doesn't know what he wants.Ever since D day he has been horrible. He is so mean, and distant. He doesnt have any interest in me, just doesnt seem to care. I know it is stupid of me to keep trying, but I feel like the man I love is still in there. How can someone change so drastically nearly over night? I miss the person I married but I am starting to think that person is long gone. Is it possible for someone to "snap out of it" and realize how bad they are messing up? I guess thats what I'm hoping for. I would like to mention we are both young, I'm 21 and he is 25. I feel abandoned, depressed, and alone. I spend my days crying over every little thing, and I know being 28 weeks prego is not helping. Can anybody relate?

Junebug0525 posted 1/11/2014 06:57 AM

Many can relate to this. Check out the Healing Library in the upper left corner (yellow box). Pay specific attention to the 180, and take care of yourself. This will be a long road, but you'll get through it, and you have a plethora of support here.

shiloe posted 1/11/2014 08:26 AM

I am so sorry this has happened to you. Please try to take care of yourself and unborn child. Drink protein shakes if you are unable to eat. You don’t have to do anything but take care of you and your child right now. I think the best thing for you is to 180 him and enlist any friends and family to help and support you. You have been inflicted with a traumatic blow, now you need to focus on minimizing the damage to your self and find some equilibrium. This will take time. As you regain some strength and clarity you should look for a lawyer and get advice to protect you and your child.
Of course he is going to blame you. That is on page 1 in the cheaters hand-book. He is a coward and would rather put it on you than admit what he has done. Don’t let him. Do not take what he says to heart, I know it is hard and takes time, but there is NEVER an excuse to cheat, especially on your pregnant wife.
Keep posting here. There are so many good people that have been where you are now. We know exactly what you are feeling and will try to help you through this hell.
If the OW is married, please inform her BS.
I am sure you know they did have sex and not just make out.
You should inform your OB/GYN and they can do a STD screening.
It is not, I repeat NOT your fault. It was his sh*ty behavior and choice to do what he did. Don’t forget that.

[This message edited by shiloe at 8:27 AM, January 11th (Saturday)]

movingforward13 posted 1/11/2014 10:42 AM

You are 21 and he is 25? I am so sorry. Unfortunately, he is sleeping with someone else. You know he is deep inside, even if you won't acknowledge it. You need to file for divorce. He isn't in any way sorry for hurting you and he continues to hurt you. File for child support, file for divorce and start learning how to be a single mother. Are you able to work? You should get some assistance to help you get back on your feet.

Filing for divorce is better than the emotional abuse he is putting you through. Don't accept this.

movingforward13 posted 1/11/2014 10:44 AM

You are 21 and he is 25? I am so sorry. Unfortunately, he is sleeping with someone else. You know he is deep inside, even if you won't acknowledge it. You need to file for divorce. He isn't in any way sorry for hurting you and he continues to hurt you. File for child support, file for divorce and start learning how to be a single mother. Are you able to work? You should get some assistance to help you get back on your feet.

Filing for divorce is better than the emotional abuse he is putting you through. Don't accept this.

Skan posted 1/11/2014 12:31 PM

I am so sorry. I'm glad that you found us for support, but I'm so very sorry that you had the reason to come find us.

With all compassion, he has left you. He has no interest, right now and possibly from this point on, in being with you. Doing MC right now is a waste of your time and money. MC can only work if two people are absolutely COMMITED to it, together. He's just checking off a box in his Cheaters Handbook Inventory so that he can claim that he "did everything possible to save the marriage but alas, it was not to be."

And you darn well know that he's not spending his nights alone.

Please do two things on Monday. 1. Call your OB/GYN and get an immediate appointment for a complete STD/HIV panel of tests. He has not only endangered your health, but that of your unborn child. You need to have those tests run ASAP. 2. Call a lawyer and file for a legal separation. You need to have spousal and child support setup, sole use of your house, and primary custody of your child. I know that you think that this might drive him away or that it's too early. Frankly, he has left you and, if you don't get this setup ASAP, he is free to ignore his obligations to you AND to spend your joint marital assets on his HOs. You need to be the responsible one here and make sure that you and your children are taken care of.

This all seems very overwhelming. We all know. But you can't "love" him back. If love were enough to bring back a WS (wayward spouse), then this site would only have about 50 members. You need to take care of yourself and your children first because frankly, he's fired you from the job of wife and has gone seeking "comfort" elsewhere. (((hugs)))

lifestoshort posted 1/11/2014 12:34 PM

I didnt even know I was pregnant when i had an inclination my ex was cheating again. I confirmed it thru sources, we broke up and I found out I was pregnant a week later. I did the pregnancy and care of her till she was 6 months, alone. its the best experience I have ever had. I raised and did what I wanted as her mom. I would not trade it for the world.

my point, you can rise up from pain to make the best, when you are ready to do so.

it hurt me, but I chose to be more for my child.

million tears posted 1/11/2014 13:02 PM

Telling him you need to be together won't work and it will only hurt you. I agree with doing the 180 on him.

lonelymommyof2 posted 1/11/2014 17:10 PM

Hello everyone, and thank you so much for all of your insight and support. A lot of things that you're all telling me, are things I know deep down. It really does help hearing it from others who have been thru this, now I know those thoughts weren't crazy hormonal me talking. I wanted to tell you all I started the 180 last night, did something useful with my insomnia and studied that list like no other. My first major step was I did NOT text or call him all night. I know that seems minimal, but "desperate" me has been calling him each night to say good night, and texting him constantly. Only to receive no response or a cold one. But anyway, did not contact him at all! He texted me a "good morning" earlier almost as if he was confused to why I was not checking on him all night. I replied very short and I stopped the convo after about 3 replies. Have not texted him or called all day, It's 3:00 pm here I have had a good day...no tears so far! I know It's only the first day of the 180 but I am feeling good knowing I have a plan for "me". I'm making a mental list of why he is not the one for me and I'm *trying* to stop thinking of how "sweet" he is deep down and how much I love him...blahhh I will keep you all updated on whats going on. Lots of love everyone