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helplessme posted 1/10/2014 22:08 PM

We're almost 5 months out from DDay but my BH still goes out on weekends without telling me his whereabouts. During the holidays (Christmas), he stayed home for like 2 weekends I think. But when the new year came, he's back to his "gone on the weekend" hobby.

It deeply hurts me that he still keeps his schedules to himself too. Worse is that, I feel I have deprived my kids of bonding time with their dad on weekends; leaving me as a single parent too

My question is: is it appropriate for me to ask him what my role is in this family? I have given him the "space" he said he needed. But after 5 months, and me in limbo, is it okay if I ask him if he wants me to just leave and give him peace?

Help SI!

Bdell posted 1/10/2014 22:27 PM

Any answer you get will be wrong. You are in limbo because of your actions and any suggestions or comment you give to your BS will be suspect. The best advice is to do what he says and take your lumps, until you simply cannot live like that anymore , then divorce. But don't blame him , if he isn't ready to spend time with you. The only thing you can or should mention , is to ask him to interact with the kids.

SandAway posted 1/11/2014 09:10 AM

You have not deprived your kids of bonding time with their dad, HE has.

Of course you can ask him what your role is. You have given him 'space' for 5 months, and you deserve to know if he wants to R or not. You can not do that if he disappears on weekends. Transparency works both ways, your not his nanny.

Have you discussed your frustration with this? How does he act when he is home during the week?

Prayingforhope posted 1/11/2014 11:51 AM

As part of our separation, I'm not really able to ask where my BS is or what she is doing, ever.

It's absolutely off limits as part of her boundaries and I understand it 100%. We've discussed it in MC and me prying into her life, even a little bit, threatens her, makes her feel unsafe, etc...all the emotions my betrayal has caused come up again.

The bigger question is not where he goes on weekends, but if he has any interest in R. If so, then you guys need to reset boundaries as partners trying to R...

I'm no where near R with my BS, so her boundaries are the rules...but you're further along and it sounds like another level of conversation is needed.

nevergiveup10 posted 1/11/2014 13:39 PM

My BS too was very strict about keeping her personal life just that, personal. Over time, little by little she lets me know where she was or who she will be seeing. Sometimes before, sometimes after the fact. I've never called it out, she knows she's doing it and why. I truly appreciate it and see it as the trust slowly rebuilding.

Helpless, everyone has their own path and timeline. At 5 months (at about thanksgiving) is when things really turned for us. It can happen that suddenly, my BS realized she wanted to work it out. That simple

I know how you feel, the clock is ticking in your head. All you can do is communicate with him and decide if you're in it for the long haul or not. He's in control and it might take more time for him to come around. Only you know how much you can take.

PrideFallen posted 1/11/2014 14:19 PM

I would agree with Bdell that you largely have to just take your lumps. Unfortunately five months isnít that long. That isnít to say that you canít initiate a discussion, though. Donít ask him what heís doing, but you can ask what heís feeling and if thereís anything you can do to help. Itís totally OK that he needs space and time to process things, but you can explore how open he is to the two of you working out a compromise where he can carve out processing time at home. You need to be very cautious with this not to come across as pressuring him, though.

I would NOT ask him if he just wants you to leave. You could get into an unfortunate spiral if you go down that path. He does not trust your commitment level right now, and probably won't for quite some time. If you show signs of cutting and running, it will likely make him withdraw more.

Mrs Panda posted 1/11/2014 16:36 PM

Maybe he is avoiding you because of propensity towards violence. Maybe he can't trust himself. Or maybe he doesn't care.

Take your lumps? Not sure I agree with that phrase. her BH has pulled a gun on her and destroyed property. And disappears every weekend. He needs professional help, not space.

If you really want to be with this man, helpless, I think the question you should ask is will he go to counseling.

[This message edited by Mrs Panda at 4:36 PM, January 11th (Saturday)]

PrideFallen posted 1/11/2014 17:05 PM

Didn't realize there was the history with the gun; given that "take your lumps" is definitely an ill chosen phrase.

helplessme posted 1/11/2014 19:00 PM

Thank you SI

SandAway, I did try to discuss things with him. He seem to not want to talk about it. In fact, it's like a trigger for him. He gets angry Thus, I try not to open up again.

He is good with the kids when he's home. He provides for them. He did not lack on being a provider. But there are times when he is short-tempered and gets mad even at the kids for trivial matters. And especially with me, he "hates" me. He doesn't appreciate anything I do for him.

Would like to add that even before my A, BH have had issues with anger management. He blows his top easily. I get very scared when he's mad. I shiver in fear

helplessme posted 1/11/2014 19:07 PM

Mrs Panda,

Thank you. He does not want counseling, it's not his cup of tea. But overall, it's his pride. He does not want people to know. He is quite known in this city and he doesn't want gossip about him. He is a proud person

Thank God he has not gotten out the gun after the night of DDay. But he has a tendency to throw things when he's mad. Very scary!

Alyssamd24 posted 1/11/2014 19:40 PM

I think that although DDAY was recent and you are the one who had the A you still have a right to start up a discussion about your role and just what he is thinking.

I understand he is hurt and angry but I don't think he should be able to use that as a reason to disappear on the weekends without telling you anything. It isn't fair to your children to not get to see their father, and it certainly isn't going to help solve the problems bw you and him.

Mrs Panda posted 1/11/2014 19:44 PM

He is quite known in this city and he doesn't want gossip about him. He is a proud person

An inflated sense of self and anger problem is not something to be proud of.

You know how we talk over here in Wayward World about owning your shit? He is not owning his. And any hope you have for R will not lead to happiness for you, until he owns his shit.

Stillstings posted 1/11/2014 20:26 PM

Thank God he has not gotten out the gun after the night of DDay. But he has a tendency to throw things when he's mad. Very scary!

Am I reading this correctly? Has he pulled a gun on you out of anger in the past? I'm sorry, if that is what happened his disappearing is the least of the worries here. I give no passes for acts of violence. None.

PrideFallen posted 1/11/2014 21:18 PM

I've gone back and read more of your posts, which I should have done in the first place before pontificating at you. Please accept my apologies.

I stand by my advice to not just ask "Should I leave". It seems that your BH really isn't engaging with you and if he wants you to leave, he should at least engage with you long enough to tell you that. From your side, you certainly need to consider at some point whether you want to leave.

If I read correctly, neither of you are in IC. That worries me because it seems like you could both benefit a lot from it. I'm not remotely qualified to advise you on how to deal with your BH's anger issues that predate your A, but a counselor could.

It sounds like you have a lot of fear for your safety, and you shouldn't have to live like that. It also sounds like you have good friends and some support structure; I hope that you have a contingency plan for yourself and your kids that these folks can help you with.

Here's wishing you strength.

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