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Prayingforhope posted 1/11/2014 10:57 AM

Saturdays are usually my BEST days in the middle of this nightmare. I get to see my boys, have breakfast with them and be in my house on Saturdays.

Today was good until it was time for me to leave.
Normally my BS sends me a text with 20min warning to clear out. This allows us to maintain the NC since I can leave during the window before she arrives.

But today she just arrived home, unannounced.

Freaked me out BIG TIME, like panic attack, didn't know what to do, grabbed my coat, ran out of the house madman style. I'm so scared to break boundaries and that is hard to do when she is walking up the driveway and I need to leave!!!

And then the rage lands. In the time it took me to walk to my car...

"You're the biggest f-ing loser in the world"
"Why don't you go find some more whores to please you"
"You make breakfast like an idiot"
"You are the most useless SOB I've ever seen"

I'm such a trigger...SUCH A TRIGGER for her that just seeing me in the driveway provokes the rage.

1 micro-second of contact and I get both barrels...and I really wonder if it will ever stop.

Here's to the worst Sat ever because I'm reminded front and center of the pain I have caused my BS, her rage as a result, and the fact that our marriage is gone.

It kills me how her words, her rage, her pain drain me of all hope instantly...worst Sat ever.

RegretfulHusband posted 1/11/2014 11:03 AM

ParyingForHope,

I'm so sorry for your pain. I will keep you in my thoughts and hope for you and your family.

I don't have any advice for you but I wanted to let you know you're not alone.

Keep holding on. Things will get better in time.

knightsbff posted 1/11/2014 11:13 AM

Wow.....

What about your kids?

She obviously wanted to see you since she didn't send the text. I wonder if you running scared made her feel rejected again?

Can you communicate with her your concern for your kids? Mom and Dad need to act like grown ups who have things under control for the sake of the kids. They need to know that things will be okay even if Mom and Dad are having problems with each other.

I'm sorry you're hurting.

Prayingforhope posted 1/11/2014 11:41 AM

I actually was trying to figure out if I should have left...the kids heard nothing since it took place outside and they were inside, but if I had stayed they would have seen a monster blowup.

But yes, it felt 100% like running away...which makes me feel like crap and her probably even worse.

The reason I agreed to leave the house as part of the separation was for the kids, i.e. to stop exposing them to her rage. This was the topic for many MC sessions and it seemed like the NC was helping a lot.

There is just no right answer in the mess that I created...thanks for your support.

JNRPA posted 1/11/2014 11:47 AM

I totally understand being a "trigger" and the rage that comes out just by being present. It's hard when you don't know what will come out of the anger. I'm coming up on my 3rd year after d-day and I can tell you it does get better and time eases the pain. The thing I struggle with is finding the right words to say when the rage does come and the pain starts to flow out in mean words. Especially when it's in front of the children. I hope you can have a good Saturday again. And what I believe is, no matter what, there is always hope.

Joanh posted 1/11/2014 11:52 AM

I would wonder why she didn't announce. Perhaps her own test for herself. I would ask at your mc appointment.

Your running may have help with the trigger. Maybe not. You will have to ask.

I'm sorry you are having a hard day. I'd like to say they get better. But I don't know that yet. They do spread out more.

With you two having this nc in place it will make it hard to know what to do. I hope it gets better for you.

Prayingforhope posted 1/11/2014 11:56 AM

Thanks JNRPA, and you're right...if I am going to 'give up' because of some anger, then I am every bit as useless as she thinks I am.

That is so NOT ME. I'm a fighter and I will just keep doing what I'm doing - investing in my BS, protecting her, taking care of the kids, doing the grocery shopping, making her breakfasts (like an idiot ) etc.

Consistency in my actions, consistency in my actions, consistency...just got to keep to the path I have committed AND figure out what to do when the rage comes. I feel so useless when she is raging.

regret12 posted 1/11/2014 11:58 AM

Prayingforhope, I'm praying for you. If it's at all solace, know that there are people here who understand your pain and regret. And we are pulling for you and your BW, for you both to be happy again.

grains posted 1/11/2014 12:09 PM

I have the same experience. It has been three years and there will always be the triggers and with it the words of rage and anger. I always feel lost right at the beginning of the trigger but I am now able to remember that I caused the suffering and my BS needs me to witness it. This is probably why your BS came home unannounced. She needed to vent to you. Turning away can just deepen the wounds. In your case you needed to leave to avoid your children witnessing parental discord. Accepting the blame humbly and making amends creates an opportunity for reconciliation but you probably felt you did not have the time to do that because of what it might do to your children. I am sorry you are going through this. It will get better but it will take time. Be safe.

lost_in_space posted 1/11/2014 12:11 PM

I do think that maybe it WAS a test of sorts.

I got to a point I raged. It was met by the other party running, telling me his actions weren't an excuse for me to act irrationally angry, I was a b@#&%, his behavior was no excuse for me to behave in ways contrary to "polite" and loving, that I was being verbally abusive....you get the picture.

It was ALL bad. Made me nuts.

What would have helped me, (what I was looking for), was for him to take it on the chin, be kind, and apologize, apologize, apologize. At some point in there, I probably would've broken down and accepted some comfort. It's highly confusing to be betrayed so horribly and then want to be comforted by the one that caused the pain. That's the way it was for me at the time anyway. I hope it helps.

Prayingforhope posted 1/11/2014 12:17 PM

Thanks guys, yes, she definitely need to vent and you have to know, I am open and willing to take it all from her right on the chin (she physically was beating me quite bad when I still was in the house).

If it helps her process, I do it, but the NC is totally confusing, but in the end, this is my fault so if she wants to vent and come home unannounced, that is her right.

I will clear the air in MC next week so she knows I was surprised, I was in a panic, I didn't know whether to stay or run, but the kids and NC made me leave and just remind her I will listen to her and take her anger any time she wants to give it to me.

@Grains, your point is really key because this would be so different if we were trying to R. I would STAY PUT NO MATTER WHAT and hear her vent. I would be there so she could cry on my shoulder as well, but that is all off limits in the NC...ho hum...

Prayingforhope posted 1/11/2014 12:22 PM

@lostinspace, thanks for the awareness and helping me understand what is going on. I need it.

I always take it on the chin, I NEVER EVER fight with her. One defensive word out of me would be like tossing dynamite on a gas fire.

I felt so confused in "running away" I sent her a "I'm sorry for everything" text message a block from the house. She responded with an "F-you" which makes sense considering her anger, but somehow, in some little way, I hope she heard me.

BTW, for the 10th Sat in a row I was consistent in my support and actions - did breakfast with kids, got their homework done and did all the grocery shopping for the week. My words are cheap, so I am going to keep convincing her with my actions for as long as it takes...

tooanalytical posted 1/11/2014 15:19 PM

The reason I agreed to leave the house as part of the separation was for the kids, i.e. to stop exposing them to her rage.

she physically was beating me quite bad when I still was in the house

Prayingforhope,

This isn't right. Has she always had rage, violent tendencies and been physically abusive? If the answer is yes, I'd run too.

NC with the OW makes sense. Personally though I never understood how separation and NC with your spouse can help the chances of R. I am sure some have made it work but for me it would be impossible to rebuild trust and intimacy that way.

lemony.2008 posted 1/11/2014 15:37 PM

I always take it on the chin, I NEVER EVER fight with her. One defensive word out of me would be like tossing dynamite on a gas fire.

That is helpful to a certain extent, and it's good that you recognize any defensiveness would escalate the situation.

Does your wife have support during this time, in terms of dealing with her emotions such as rage? You said you have MC, does she have IC as well?

It's very difficult and I wish you the best.

Prayingforhope posted 1/11/2014 15:41 PM

She's never had rage, anger or abusive behavior before my betrayal. Which makes it all the worse because I can see daily, when I can see her, how bad this is affecting her. I understand others when they say "I destroyed my spouse" with the A.

And to the second part of your response, THIS is the reason she asked and I agreed to the separation - for her short-term health. This is so raw and the pain is so intense for her (for both of us), that if I didn't leave I honestly think one of us might be dead now.

And it has helped her. I really understand the concept of separations being called "a healing space" through this. At some point in the future, when she is stable and calm and I've made progress with IC, then we'll talk about trust and intimacy, but right now we're in survival mode.

Prayingforhope posted 1/11/2014 15:56 PM

@lemony.2008, she definitely has an online group (not sure which one) for BS because she was telling me for the month I was still in the house how helpful it was to her.

She also has IC BUT I have no idea how often she goes. Early one she told me in MC that it was once per week, which sounded way too little for the trauma we were both in (those are the therapist words, which I agreed with).

You know what? I can't ask her if she is getting the support she needs because it enrages her, e.g. "Oh NOW you give a shite if I'm okay?!?!" but I'm worried about her. She's given up on church since DDay and she never missed a Sunday service before then, so I'm praying she is getting help as needed...

grains posted 1/11/2014 22:17 PM

Your situation right now with the NC with your BS is so delicate. It seems that the agreement is that this separation is meant to get both of you to a point where you can begin to reconcile. It is now so difficult for you because you cannot express your feelings of remorse to her directly through words but only through your actions and when you are not together. Your are also troubled because you do not know if she is getting any other type of support. She has triggers and your NC seems to make matters worse. Please take the time to apologize and accept her anger when it happens again. I really think she needed you when she had that trigger. You will have to decide this for yourself. It is very difficult. Hang in there.

DixieD posted 1/12/2014 09:43 AM

I'm sorry for your bad day Prayingforhope.

She obviously wanted to see you since she didn't send the text. I wonder if you running scared made her feel rejected again?

I had the same thought as Knightsbff.

You said your wife wasn't abusive before your betrayal, but was she abused (even in childhood)? I was and that compounded it all.

I definitely understand the rage aspect. I had tons of that myself. I had to have EMDR therapy to help me deal with triggers and rage. IC (talk therapy) wouldn't have helped me much. I hope she is getting the help she needs.

My husband was a trigger for me as well. There was a time early on that just by looking at him sometimes I experienced great fear, and later anger. He was willing to do anything to help me, including dyeing his hair and changing his appearance. I said no. That would be too drastic a change and I didn't want him to have to do that. But his appearance did change over time. He purposely changed enough that people were shocked and actually began not to recognize him. The change in his look did help me. Neither of us like even looking at pictures of how he looked during his affair. He looks very different now.

None of this stuff is easy. Peace to you and your family.

Prayingforhope posted 1/12/2014 10:36 AM

Thanks Dixie, Thanks Grains...this is as delicate as delicate gets at this stage and I'll just keeping taking the advice of this AMAZING GROUP, letting MY BS call the shots to make sure she is safe and see what the days and weeks ahead bring.

I'm doing everything I can and only time and my BS will tell if it means anything. But the bright side is, I'm discovering a new me through this process and I like what I'm finding. Silver lining to Saturday pain.