I know you can't make this stuff up right?
After catching them in the act, he admitted he has been fooling around with other women for years.
I have been married for almost 18 years and we have 2 kids.
I REALLY thought I was in that one relationship where the husband does not cheat.
I feel so very stupid and so betrayed.
I consider myself a very smart woman. I started a company from the ground up when I was 26 and it is very successful. We have plenty of money and 3 homes. I can easily tell him to move out but I am seriously worried about my kids. My son is a junior in high school and worships his Father and I worry this will affect how he does in school and sports.
I seriously cannot believe I am in this position and can't even call my best friend to talk about it.
BS: me 44 (then 42)
WH: 50 (then 48)
Married 18 years
D-day - 1/11/14
Filed - 1/16/14
Walked in on WH and BF while her H watched
take time to think. you probably need to walk away from him. 2 kids need protection and no mom deserves to be disrespected like that
for the record, my bf was making out and fondling my ex husbands junk ON OUR WEDDING NIGHT. I should have ripped up the marriage papers right then and walked away. I excused it and thus another 5 yrs of hell insued. I was blinded by love and he will get betters. NO, he never did
[This message edited by lifestoshort at 12:32 PM, January 11th (Saturday)]
I actually told my son this morning that his Dad admitted to sleeping with other women and we were probably getting divorced and then he cried so hard I went back 2 hours later and lied to him and told him his Dad said that because he was drunk last night and was just trying to get me riled up and it really did not happen.
Sadly, I think he bought it. I don't want to lie to my kids but I don't want to hurt them either.
I can't imaging living in this house with this man I thought I knew.
If he has done it multiple times before I know he will do it again.
My world came crashing down less than 12 hours ago. What do I do today?
Take a look in the upper left corner at the yellow box, and click on The Healing Library. Start reading. Look for posts on this forum that have bulls-eyes next to them (in the first couple of pages). Keep on reading. This is a good information that you need and it's written by people who have BTDT.
Frankly, I would tell you WH to leave, at least for the weekend. He was screwing around with your "BF" while her husband watched, in your house for you OR your children to walk into. The word disrespectful doesn't do this justice. Criminally hateful comes closer.
Please come back often for support. We are all here for you. (((more hugs)))
D-Day, June 10, 2012
[This message edited by RyanCL at 1:03 PM, January 11th (Saturday)]
I feel like I should be so angry right now but I just feel numb and nauseous.
THIS CAN"T BE HAPPENING TO ME!!!!
Generally, along with making no major decisions for 6-12 months after the A, I'd also tell few people. That's not to say I think your WH's sins should be secret; I simply think you need to be in a better place, rationally, before you act in an irreversible manner. You can choose to not follow through with divorce proceedings once you've initiated; you can't take back telling people once you've told them. That goes for your children.
You need to be honest with your son. He'll be watching you now and you won't be able to fool him. It'd have been hard before but will be next-to-impossible now. Give him the bare minimum. Tell him you'll share more, in an age-appropriate manner, once you have a handle on things yourself. He needs to know that one of his parents is incapable of lying to him. He needs to know that your changing the story (lying about his dad NOT having an affair) was a one-time aberration because you were in such pain viewing his. He needs to know that while everything may not work out painlessly, they WILL work out and you (and your WH) DO love him. He needs to understand that there will be some changes at home (your WH moving out of the house or the master bedroom), your break with your former best friend, your moodiness, your increased time on the computer (researching and coming here), etc.
Another bit of advice? Find someone you CAN share with: a sister, an ecclesiastical leader, a therapist, a co-worker/friend. Bottling this up may kill (exaggeration) you. I kept it inside for a month and thought I'd lose my mind pretending to the world that all was well. A journal (password protected) may really help you, too. Mine has A tidbits, my vents, my rages, my tears, proof, photos (of the prostitute and of the OW), etc. and I don't have to worry about my kids or WH finding it.
Also, please take care of yourself. Go to the doctor for STD testing--the whole gamut. Eat, drink, breathe, sleep.
Schedule nice things for yourself: mani/pedis, massages, a shopping spree, a new haircut, a trip with or without your kids, a good book, bubble baths--whatever you consider an indulgence. It's time for that because you have to REconvince yourself that you have worth. Intellectually, you may know that, but emotionally, you've been dealt a shocking blow.
Be gentle to yourself. Don't beat yourself up for missing red flags or for not seeing them at all. You trusted because you are trustworthy. That's actually a very healthy trait. Don't believe any of his potential blameshifting. Don't believe popular culture's finger-pointing, either. You are pretty/skinny/smart/loving enough to be cherished and protected by your mate. Whatever your imperfections, you are worth fidelity. Every spouse is. In every marriage. It's NOT your fault. None of it. Not one, single, broken, cheating thought in your WH's mind is attributable to you. You are amazing!
I've been reading threads on this website for months. Check out the Healing Library for starters. Check out the abbreviations as I had a bit of trouble following at first myself. I'm sure you will be getting lots of posts with those abbreviations.
I personally have not been through a situation with my spouse so I will leave that advice to others. My concern is for your 2 children and your son who you've now spoken with. I won't go into all the details of my background, you can see them in my profile if you choose, but I am a product of a toxic environment from my mother's affairs. But my story may be a bit extreme.
First I can relate to your nerves. I posted my profile yesterday and I shook the entire time. When your heart is pounding, your mind is racing, and you feel like getting physically ill from all those nerves, probably not a good time to discuss the situation with the kids. Especially since you don't know what is going to happen yet.
You just found out so it's understandable you are going to be a mess and you are now hopping on a really sh1tty roller coaster ride. Take a deep breath every so often if you need to. Physically say out loud to yourself "I'm going to be ok" if you need to. I did that once myself during a very dark time and it helped. Even if just a little.
Leave your son be for now. You are in no frame of mind to have any sort of logical discussion with him at this point. You don't want to keep giving him updates on where your head may be at. You are going to have to tell him the truth eventually, but until you know for sure what that is, don't start planting the D word just yet. Or any other words for that matter.
Later when you are thinking more rationally, either you or both you and your husband will have to tell your kids that you and your husband are going to have some challenges working through some grown up stuff. Don't give any of the details. Keep it simplistic and bare boned. You want to engage your kids and keep them updated through the process and let them know that you will keep them updated. No secrets. No lies. NO DETAILS! Don't give them an update every hour or even daily. Keep them in the loop on a simplistic level when warranted. And I cannot stress this enough...ENGAGE them when you talk to them. Ask them what they are thinking. Ask them what they have heard going on between you and their father. Ask them if any of their friend's parents have had issues as an ice breaker. Ask them what they think about things. Don't talk at them. You would be surprised at what children hear when they are in the house with you which is why both you and your husband will need to be careful around them. What ever you do never thrust your kids into the sh1t no matter how bad things get. Always take the high road. Trust me, they will remember that later in life.
There are a lot of people that are here for you iamsoblind42. My heart goes out to you and your family.
Im shocked at how selfish and cruel OWH and OW are being.
No..you don't have to care about her.
Im so sorry.
I read in another thread that they didn't stop having sex when you walked in. Im so sorry. Im not sure how I would be able to R with a man who not "only" got caught red handed...but continues to have sex with her.
[This message edited by confused615 at 5:02 PM, January 11th (Saturday)]
..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.
Do you have any other support system in place? Any family that you could communicate with. Clearly in this case she is not a "friend". Take the high road and ask them to stop all communication with you until further notice and that you are taking care of yourself. This will get you some time to get your head straight. You shouldn't deal with their drama in addition to your own at the moment.
Something tells me that as you work through this you are going to have questions for them about what has been going on or what else has been going on. Until you are ready for that, go dark with them. When the time is right you can ask them for a full disclosure.
Clearly these "friends" are not on your team.
Anyone else have any thoughts on this?
I was engaged twice before marrying my husband and both relationships ended in infidelity.
When I met my husband I was still really broken and part of me felt like I was settling to be with him but I knew he would never hurt me and I never wanted to feel that pain again.
Now here I am and he took my best friend away too. I really love her. We have been friends for almost 10 years and she is really the only person I want to talk to right now but I can't!!!
I also feel like my son is going to hate me.
I am so sorry I said anything to him this morning. I just wasn't prepared when he asked my why Dad was in the guest room and it just blurted out and now I feel doubly guilt for following up the truth with a lie.
Why do I feel like I am the one that did something wrong?
I don't even know if my husband actually feels any remorse because I can't bring myself to look at him let alone talk to him. I know him and he will try to blame it on me and I can't handle that.
I had surgery a couple months ago and then got an infection and almost died and am still recovering so we have not had sex in months. I am sure he will use that or that I am not "loving" enough as his excuses.
To be honest, I don't know if I am in love with my husband, not sure I ever have been but I loved him and I loved my life. He was my other best friend.
I have been telling myself for years the lack of passion in our relationship was made up for by having a great husband who would never cheat on me and a wonderful father. Now I know why there has been such a lack of passion, because he has been getting it on the side for years. In all 18 years I have NEVER cheated.
On a side note: I got a cold sore 2 weeks ago and had never had one in my life. I guess a trip to the doctor AGAIN will be in order.
This SUCKS so bad!!!
First off I just saw in the thread that they continued to have sex after you found them. That's just EVIL!! There are many pieces of info on here about having remorse and being remorseful. That is soooo far the opposite side of the spectrum. I feel for you on that one.
As far as your son goes, no damage yet. He wont hate you. There may be some anger towards both of you at first. Stay the course with him, engage him with what he is thinking, and always take the high road no matter how difficult. Later in life he will appreciate that. Remember keep the conversations on his level and don't overwhelm him but wait just a bit until you can have clear thoughts to do so. If he asks you a question answer it truthfully or if your not sure how to answer, buy yourself some time and let him know that you will get back to him shortly and then do it. You keep working with him in this hard time on his level, I guarantee he won't hate you.
As for the rest of it, I can understand how you want to start to put some of the responsibility on yourself. Its somewhat natural to do so. BUT DON'T!!! None of this is your fault regardless of how your sex life is/was. And that has nothing to do with your so called "friend".
My wife has had medical issues of the female variety and we went through a period of not having sex for 5 months. I NEVER ONCE thought about going somewhere else for any sort of relations. Thought never even occurred to me. I love my wife. More so I love my family and could never do that. I was unhappy and we worked through it. I approached my wife about being unhappy with our sexual relationship and we worked through it. In today's day and age, let me tell you there are so many fun things you can do in a medical situation that does not require him to go to an Ow. First hand experience on that one. The appropriate response would to have been to come to you to talk about it first. That would have been the appropriate response not F'ing your bf or any Ow. So don't you for one second out that on yourself. And remind him of that later.
Judging by what you said about your husband, I'm not sure if you need a 180 or not. There is info here on that and I've read several people hear mention that they wish they could have started it on DDay. Look it up on the boards. It sounds very hard to do, but will help you be strong in dealing with your WH.
I know it's hard to see through the pain right now. We are here to remind you that NONE of this is your fault!!! ZERO!! You have done absolutely nothing wrong.
Not that it makes it any better, but my husband and best friend did not know at first that I saw them. Her husband saw me. I quickly turned around and walked out. I assume he told them after.
Today, her husband is texting me that they did not have sex. My husband was going down on her when I saw them. To me that is still a sex act and even more personal than traditional.
I should be livid over last night but honestly the things that make it where I can't sleep is thinking about all the other women. He said there were several over the years. When did it start? When was the last one? Did he love any of them. Thinking about all those and not knowing the details is killing me.
At least I know exactly what happened last night.
I did read the 180 and think I am actually doing that without knowing what it was. I will read through it again.
I hope whatever pain you have gone though is getting better. I am sad there are so many posts here.
It really is so helpful to get responses so please keep them coming. I swear it is the only thing keeping me from screaming right now.
We do not have any kids, and I cannot imagine what you are going through right now. That is where my thoughts would lay too.
I just wanted to post to let you know, that there is someone else out there, completely lost, and trying to make sense of everything this very moment. You are very strong, and you WILL find the right answers. If anything, we're all here to keep each other sane and not make decisions in the heat of the moment.
Take care of yourself first. That's the theme I keep coming back to from this forum, my therapist, and my own thoughts. But it's hard. But it is the only way we'll get things under control. Stay strong. I will be up all night reading this forum, and you will be in my thoughts.
[This message edited by lovetoloveher at 9:21 PM, January 11th (Saturday)]
My best friend's husband keeps texting me telling me I need to call his wife and let her help me because she is so "wrecked".
That's like having your executioner console you before your head gets chopped off.
So many of the comments I hear from my WS is essentially "ME ME ME ME ME!!".
I truly am sorry for what you're going through. I too wake up every morning and it's the 1st thing I think of. Then I just cannot get my head around the fact that this is happening, and it's happening to my family at the hands of somebody who swore for years it would never happen.
Honestly there are so many people in their early 40's that I wonder if it's more prevalent amongst that age group.