Yesterday and last night, I posted about weekend plans. I was dreading this weekend. My BH had plans with friends and I was resenting it. Then I got home yesterday evening and saw him and saw how tired he was, how pale and exhausted he looked. First full week back to work after the holidays, and many sleepless nights fraught with nightmares and uncontrollable thoughts/emotions. My homebody husband just wanted to spend this weekend the way we always do, watching some tv and movies, relaxing, laughing and being with his wife...the one he thought didn't cheat on him.
I first want to say thank you to many people on SI, because I've had my head up my ass for far too long and you have been the first and perhaps only people to have called me on it and really made me see. I've made myself into a victim many times over 22 years of my relationship with my H. He's not always been perfect and he's screwed up at times, but I always let him by, accepted it and played the martyr while I kept my true feelings to myself and grew to resent him. I blamed him for so many things and made him the bad guy. But, I was the coward.
A coward runs to another person for validation, even just my friends. I trashed my BF/H so many times in anger and then went right back to him with loving arms wide open. And then I ran to the arms of another M and when confronted, I lied about it for 12 years. I have been a coward for far too long. I've gotten mad at my H and blamed him, when he was just being honest about who he was and what he wanted. If I didn't like it, I could have chosen to leave, demand counseling, anything other than having an A.
So I crawled into the bed with him this morning and I put his head on my lap and I told him all of this starting with, "I'm sorry and I love you". The sad thing is after I said that he said, "but...?" And I said, no but, I want you to know that I'm sorry that I have blamed you for my A and my lying. I'm sorry that I have made you the bad guy and myself the victim. I'm sorry that you have to leave the house or find things to do when you are tired and just want to be home. I'm sorry that you don't want to be home because being home, with or without me here, reminds you of everything that I did to you and to us. Mostly I'm sorry for being a coward and not being truthful over the years. I love you and I am sorry that I hurt you and blamed you for it as if you deserved it. You didn't. Nobody does. I can never take back what I did, but I still love you and I still want to be with you for the rest of my life. I may not get you back, may not deserve to have you back. But I am here, more than I think I ever have been. And I'm patient. I love you and want you to be happy again. You deserve to be happy. You are good, you are kind and sweet and loving and honest. I love and admire you. And I want to be your wife for the rest of our lives." He cried, bawled actually. He so needed to hear this, and said so. He hugged me and he held on to me. I just tried to comfort him and kept saying how sorry I am.
I felt a little of the fog lift from both of us. It's still a long and bumpy road ahead with lots of uncertainties, but regardless of what happens, I needed smacked into reality and I needed to take responsibility for my actions. I've honestly gotten more from you here at SI than I got in 3 years of therapy with a PhD psychologist. Thank you guys. This is a breakthrough but we both still have miles to go.
So it's been a pretty good Saturday so far. The H is going over to his friends house to hang out which is always helpful for him. I'm gonna go get a haircut and enjoy a break in the weather. I hope anyone reading this can have a decent day too.
I shroud add that I read the "what every WS should know" repost last night as well and I think that really helped as well. If you haven't, you really should.