I understand how scary this is for you. I remember being paralyzed by fear and anxiety for my future.
I honestly believe divorce was the best road for me. I cannot envision living the life you fear- a life of worrying and checking and spying and not being able to trust my spouse. My marriage was also very oppressive. I could really see this once we had separated.
I'm not going to tell you it's a piece of cake to divorce. But let's look at some errors in your thinking. Anxiety causes you to think these things. Let's logically look at what happens if you separate and divorce....
be forced to get a full-time job just to be able to pay utilities and eat,
OK. You will need to get a job. However, you will likely be entitled to spousal support and child support to help you manage expenses. Things will change, and you will have a tight budget, but it's not likely anyone will starve.
raise the 2 teens left here at home totally by myself
It's not likely you will have to shoulder this burden entirely. Split custody is generally the rule. He will also pay child support.
while he is out living the single life & having fun
Try not to think about what his life may or may not be like. Focus on you. In your singleness you will also be free to pursue your own interests and rediscover who you are.
date and expose myself to the complete idiots that are out there, more chances of getting STDs, or be alone and die alone.
I know there are some good men out there, and I surely hope to find one someday, but for now I am content in my singleness. Also consider that you will always have the love and respect of your children and family. You aren't alone now, and you won't be alone if you divorce. Also, I will say that being alone is much better than being with the douche I was married to.
I wish you luck no matter the road you choose. None of this easy, and we certainly never asked for any of it. You are stronger than you know, and you are going to be ok.
Everybody, soon or late, sits down to a banquet of consequences.
~Robert Louis Stevenson
As for raising the 2 teens alone, that is also true. I know this man. I will be the one caring for them.
Believe me, I know it sounds like I am totally overreacting here. I've had almost 2 weeks to think about this, even longer if you count the EA D-day in 2010.
As for good men, I believe that to be like finding a unicorn. Yes, I'm jaded. I see my single friends struggle, I see my sister, my mother, etc. dating. Cheating is the norm. I read a recent study that said 75% of married men said they'd cheat if they thought they'd get away with it. The number for women was almost as high. Its crazy.
I believe I could be content for a while being single. Most of my marriage, I've been single. He was always gone, always had something to do. I just don't want to always be single. That I do know. I want to share my life with someone.
I just keep praying. Its all I know to do.
[This message edited by AppalachianGal at 3:13 PM, January 11th (Saturday)]
We get to go through Hell, clean up messes and try to pull innocents from the wreckage.
Her: WW/57 Me: BS/63 24yrs M
3 great kids, now 22, 20, 17 b,b,g
D-Day 8/14/08, D 1/13/11
Everything has been taken from me also. The good news is that every one that this has happened to is still alive and kicking. I have to keep reminding myself of this when I feel like I'm not going to make it. Just breathe.
I sometimes wonder if it would have been easier if after I found out, he chose the AP and a D, just so that the choice would not be left up to me....
Find the myths and truths entry in the General forum. It helps a lot with some of the misconceptions about being alone, finding another person, etc. And remember, being happy with yourself, respecting yourself and showing your teens that you are a strong and IMPORTANT person is better than being in a relationship where you are pushed down, disrespected and not cared for as you deserve to be.
((AppGal)) - you are going to be ok. I also suggest IC. It has helped me a lot.
I chose to file first because the thought of being served divorce papers would have only added insult to injury. I was blindsided when I found out about the affair. I needed to feel I had some power in my own life.
I face the same fears you do. Financial insecurity, being alone, not raising any kids now, my son is 24 and just graduated college.
I won't say the last 14 months have been easy. But, I have discovered an inner strength. I have had the support of my friends and family. I have made some wonderful friends during that time.
Now, I see my life as full of choices! Lots of opportunities. I have a sense of freedom that I've never had before. I am getting to know myself again, discovering what makes ME happy. I don't have to please anyone else but myself.
You are in the midst of the storm. Just breath. Take care of yourself. Post here often and get support.
My H is an alcoholic since returning from Iraq. Our kids do not like him. They voice their opinions that I should leave him.
I understand it is scary and sounds like you do not want a full time job and I feel for you but to protect your kids and show them women should not be treated like this and to give them some hope for a happy future I think you have to consider moving on.
Will it be hard? Sure, but isn't the hell you live in already hard?
I wish you the best of luck in whatever you decide.
Try to imaging your life 5 years from now in both scenarios. Make a list of pros/cons.
BS: me 44 (then 42)
WH: 50 (then 48)
Married 18 years
D-day - 1/11/14
Filed - 1/16/14
Walked in on WH and BF while her H watched
I wish I had D'd WH sometime after the first D day instead of staying in the marriage (27 more years) to have the second most recent D day..
Financially, if I D'd my WH, I could be okay if he wouldn't go after 1/2 of my pension..Or ask for alimony..But I know my WH, he will go after what he knows he is entitled to..
He is still considered financially dependent on me at this point..
I am retired and drawing full pension from my company because of my length of service there..
I can't afford to give WH what he would be entitled to in divorce..
My WH was unemployed many times throughout our marriage and has no pension or savings accumulated..
I am living on a bare bones budget (utilities take up most of my monthly income) and this is in a house that is fully paid off..
I am not afraid of living alone in my own place, in fact I would welcome this! So I am getting my ducks in a row as best as I can..
I know and agree that material things aren't what life is about.. But the older one gets,the more one's ability to recover financially from divorce becomes a prominent factor in the decisions made about D..It is better to start on the D path with some resources of physical energy / strength, and social support..Not a bad idea for both spouses have a source of income before a D is set in motion..
You say your M was difficult to begin with and now your WH's cheats on top of that...You are still young, meaning you have 19 or 20 years ( until you are my age) to rebuild your life before you have to face age discrimination while looking for jobs.. I am assuming you have the health/energy to work full time..
D may be struggle at first, but by the time you hit my age you will be glad that you don't have some douche bag living with you who drags you down emotionally and has the ability to drag you down financially should the relationship not work...
[This message edited by doggiediva at 4:19 PM, February 13th (Thursday)]
I feel like I am just waiting for the other shoe to drop and would be better off with a D, I don't know how to trust anything in my life anymore. I hope he is for real, but find myself questioning it everyday.
It just plain sucks that this pain is because of his choice.
[This message edited by Breezy150 at 10:57 AM, February 13th (Thursday)]
BS me 41
WH 42 his whore was my friend
Married 24 years
Finally finding R?
3 kids 3 grand kids
DDay 1 -Jan 2 2014
DDay 2 -Feb 20 2014 A went underground fo
I'm in the midst of the same choice myself. Working hard at R, but doubt that trust can be re-established. I know I don't want to have a marriage with no trust. Jumping back into the dating pool is daunting (especially since I've been betrayed twice now), but I know there are decent people still out there. There are no guarantees (my WW was a born again christian who had an EA/PA with another born again!), but I do think one can stack the odds in their favor. Maybe another betrayed soul who knows better than to inflict that kind of pain? That's rapidly becoming my top criteria!
Final thought: Many here don't get a chance to make the choice. You and I are lucky in that WE get to be the captains of our destiny. That gives us power to draw upon in the upcoming bumpy road. Good luck!
A month after I kicked him out I was diagnosed with cancer. Talk about a wake up call and being forced into decisions.
A year later I had a heart attack, luckily, after a short stay in the cardiac ICU, I was back home.
Since then, I have re-evaluated what is important in life. Since then, I have re-evaluated what is devastating and what is just an "inconvenience".
Many things that I thought were devastating before, are now only bumps in the road.
It's all a matter of perspective. Hang in there - you will come out the other side a stronger woman.
You can find happiness in either choice. R requires that he cooperate and also earnestly choose to make the marriage work every single day. Without that commitment, from you and him, it'll be a tough road.
D is a path you travel alone, but then your happiness is totally dependent on you. You control your life and you decide whether you will be happy or not. Happiness is not found in material things, but in inner peace and love of yourself.
I divorced and have found happiness in the times I've been alone and in the new relationships I've been involved in.
Whatever choice you make, make sure that you make decisions that are focused on YOUR happiness. If you don't know what that is, then I think IC would be a great place to find help to figure that out. It helped me out immensely.