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Vow renewal question

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vistainc posted 1/11/2014 16:26 PM

We are NO where near ready to renew our vows, heck, I don't even know if I am completely "all in" on this reconciliation thing, but I did have a question that has been bothering me all day.

While at the mall, we decided to look at some wedding sets. I don't wear my wedding/anniversary set anymore because it just makes me sad to look at it now. I have been to a few jewelers trying to figure out whether to trade it up, sell it outright, or just have it reset. That is a topic for another day.

My question is, for those of you who have renewed vows after your successful reconciliation, what vows did you use? Traditional really wouldn't work for us, been there done that and here we are. Did you write your own? If so, what do you say to make sure you have the whole "do not cheat on me" stuff in there. (of course it IS in the original wedding vows with the whole forsaking all others statement)

Any ideas would be appreciated. Not sure why I am even worrying about it, but if the 10 commandments and wedding vows don't keep you from cheating, why even renew vows at all?

Just having one of those days

Morhurt posted 1/11/2014 16:55 PM

I'm not there yet either but if/when we do it would be much personal (writing our own vows) and private (only us). I thought about more in the first few months, now I just know I'm not ready yet.
BTW I still wear my ring.

Morhurt posted 1/11/2014 16:56 PM

Ugh, I hope you can decipher my terribly written post. Can I blame 3/4 sick kids ?

vistainc posted 1/11/2014 17:03 PM

Morhurt, I am amazed that you can wear your rings. Right now I know that I am definitely not ready for that, but honestly feel naked without them. It has been over a year now and I truly thought we would be much further along by now.

Glad to see I am not alone, but sad to see it also.

(hugs)

Sammy2013 posted 1/11/2014 17:03 PM

I have thought about this too. I am much like you vistainc. I know we are no where near renewing and I am still not 100% sure I am in at all. I was wearing my rings, but I was taking them off constantly when I was angry and throwing them at him so I think it's safer not to wear them. I have. A new setting that I was excited for, but right now I have put a hold in that.

I think it will have to be a writing if iur own if we ever get to that point. Like you I feel the traditional wouldn't cut it.

Darkness Falls posted 1/11/2014 17:17 PM

XH and I are thinking of remarrying sometime this year. I was the WS. I would be too embarrassed to say anything "traditional" WRT wedding vows. I've already told XH that we should simply say "yes" or "no" to the bare minimum allowed for a legal marriage: "Do you take XYZ to be your lawfully wedded (H or W)?" and be done with it.

heforgotme posted 1/11/2014 17:20 PM

If so, what do you say to make sure you have the whole "do not cheat on me" stuff in there. (

I would expect FWH to handle that on his own. Which at this point I think he could.

Obviously, traditional marriage vows are not in order. They already took those and broke them. So, something "new" is necessary.

I would expect FWH to write his own. For them to reflect his commitment to me and our life. Much appreciation for what we are and a wave to what could be if you're not careful.

I would expect him to write something amazing.

And if he couldn't, then quite frankly, I wouldn't do it.

Morhurt posted 1/11/2014 17:25 PM

Part of the reason I wear my rings is for the kids. They don't know what's going on and I refuse to lie (well technically I'm lying by omission I guess). The other part is that although it breaks my heart that he never took the vows seriously (first ONS was about 4 months after our wedding), we've actually had a pretty great marriage and I'm so hurt etc but I really do love him and he shows me every day that he loves me.

If he showed less than total remorse, transperancy etc that would be different. But for now, I'm choosing my marriage and him and I feel good with my rings on.

My underwear and his on the other hand... I threw it all out and bought new stuff. Nordstrom's loved me.

Flourgirl posted 1/11/2014 17:37 PM

We have talked about this in the distant future. Last week I was ready to give up so who knows. What we have talked about him promising love, and fidelity, me promising to forgive but not forget. Since we have no friends left it would just be us and the kids.

SisterMilkshake posted 1/11/2014 18:16 PM

but if the 10 commandments and wedding vows don't keep you from cheating, why even renew vows at all?
If they didn't take the first time, why would the second be any different? I didn't break my vows, I don't need to renew.

I am okay with people renewing if that is what they feel they would like to do, but for me, I really don't see the point. Actions, not words, are my mantra.

SmallButStrong posted 1/11/2014 21:26 PM

I'm with SisterMilkshake. To me, a renewal is a bit of a slap in the face. In our case, if a $27K wedding with his entire family from Europe present wasn't meaningful enough to keep him faithful the first time, I can't imagine a do-over helping much. It would just make me feel like leftovers.

Then again, we've talked about a renewal a lot but I'm feeling cynical these days...

vistainc posted 1/12/2014 00:05 AM

Sister and Small....maybe that is my problem then. If there is no reasonable way to get a do-over (via a vow renewal) then what is the point in staying together at all? Maybe that is why I feel stuck.

Like you both pointed out, if you can't really believe that the words in new wedding vows could keep them faithful a second time, then what really is the point of reconciliation?

Isn't it just like staying with no hope of a better marriage? I already can't seem to swallow the idea that somehow after a period of time, I will all of a sudden feel that my marriage is stronger? Even if the communication is better, problem solving skills are better, fWH is remorseful etc etc how does knowing at one time in your lives together (more than one for some) your spouse threw you, your marriage, and your family away like a piece of unwanted trash.

I can't see anything "stronger" or "better" coming from that.

Strugglestreet posted 1/12/2014 00:46 AM

I do not wear my wedding rings or display wedding photos in the house, nor do I celebrate my wedding anniversary. I will never renew my wedding vows, if he can break them once he can break them again.

Why am I with him? Because I love him, and he is a changed man.
Do I think we will grow old together? Probably not, but it is working for us now, so I will just go with it!

Reading that back to myself it sounds very harsh lol
We have a great relationship, and he is more attentive than he has ever been, and shows his remorse through his actions every single day……BUT looking at my wedding rings, and wedding photos just hurts, I can never get back the person I thought he was and renewing vows won't change that

Betrayed67 posted 1/12/2014 00:58 AM

I've stopped wearing my wedding ring. And renewing vows is so far from my thoughts. My WH 2 months ago asked me if I mind him wearing his wedding ring again to remind himself to honor "God and me" everyday. I said "go for it" as long as you are not lying to yourself about your motives for doing it. I told him I could not wear my wedding ring again - not sure if I ever will.

Me: BS46
HIM: WH 53
Married 13years
Several DDays; TT for a long time
ONS, Online dating/chatting
I've given him/our marriage one year (from Sept 2013) to see how consistent his good behavior is.

Struggling with R.

[This message edited by Betrayed67 at 12:59 AM, January 12th (Sunday)]

SadFlower posted 1/12/2014 08:38 AM

About a month ago. I suggested that when FWH feels ready, that he propose making a recommitment to me, and that I in turn will reaffirm my commitment to him. I want it to be just the two of us, in some beautiful place, with our own words.

I've never stopped wearing my wedding ring. We decided to R right away on D-Day.

But the ring he gave me for our 10th anniversary--I threw that away. Our 10th was 2005, the height of the A years. The stones kept falling out, and the band actually broke once. I saw it as a perfect symbol of our broken marriage years, and I could not stand to have it in the house, It went out with the garbage in January. (NB: it was a beautiful ring from the Metropolitan Museum, but obviously not made to be worn!)

I want a new ring, one that can be worn.

ItStillHurts posted 1/12/2014 09:19 AM

I read this yesterday and needed to think again about this.

Now, three years our, I can see this happening for us some day. We have come such a long way, and still have a long way to go. H is perplexed by this. You see, he does not think his A, his mid life crisis that nearly killed me, ended our M. I do.

Closer to DD, it was important to me. In some way, I thought if he committed to me again, it would help me heal. It's such a roller coaster of emotions in the beginning, I think I was clinging to anything that gave me hope just to keep my head above water.

Now, it's not that I don't think of us as married, more like once married. That might change too.

I can't wear my rings- not the wedding, not the engagement, not the anniversary. They are terrible reminders to me of a very dark time. He sees of course how hard he worked to save up to buy beautiful things for me and did ask me only once if I would ever wear them again. (I took them off about a year or so after DD). And, if I had any pictures left of the two of us from the wedding, I might display them. Hard to say.

I do think any vows in a renewal ceremony have to acknowledge the dark threads that weaved their way into your life. Perhaps not in detail but surely something that reflects the whole point of the renewal: I promise to treat you better or to never forsake you again or to thank you for never giving up / for your love or faith me in that I could become a better [man] or whatever you are comfortable with.

Can it mar the day? I don't know. But rug sweeping - is it like rug sweeping if you don't.

ambivalence26 posted 1/12/2014 09:55 AM

I think it's admirable that so many of you would like to renew your vows!

Not me! I look at it this way. We did it once and he didn't keep his vows, he cheated. I don't wear my rings, and I don't celebrate our anniversary anymore. It all means nothing to me now! I tell people that I meet, that I have been in a long term relationship, I never say that I'm married. When we were married we basically signed a contract, I kept it, he broke it. Why would I put myself through all of that again? I would never give him the opportunity to hurt me again! Cynical I know! His affair changed me!

[This message edited by ambivalence26 at 10:53 AM, January 12th (Sunday)]

myeverafter posted 1/12/2014 09:59 AM

Another thing that makes me want to cry. I am so lost at this topic again.

About rings, I haven't worn mine in several years. I have never gotten my rings re-sized after I had gained 15 lbs a couple years ago, but then again I never cheated. He, of course, wore his ring every time he was with her. And won't take them off either.

We aren't at a spot for vow renewal at all yet either. Why should I want to since I never cheated on him. Can I ever truly believe him again..

reallysad2012 posted 1/12/2014 19:10 PM

Like you both pointed out, if you can't really believe that the words in new wedding vows could keep them faithful a second time, then what really is the point of reconciliation?

I think the point of reconciliation could be different for everyone. It is the answer to the question: why am I staying? For me, the answer has to do with the fact that leaving won't take away the pain of betrayal and staying...well, I am staying because I still love him and I see him changing and I do see a better future for us.

I already can't seem to swallow the idea that somehow after a period of time, I will all of a sudden feel that my marriage is stronger? Even if the communication is better, problem solving skills are better, fWH is remorseful etc etc how does knowing at one time in your lives together (more than one for some) your spouse threw you, your marriage, and your family away like a piece of unwanted trash.

This is exactly the stuck place I have been and am just starting to get out of. I have been spending a lot of time and energy on trying to achieve forgiveness or whatever you want to call it. I finally realized I will NEVER feel differently about this betrayal. I will ALWAYS hate it. I recently stopped trying to make myself feel differently about it and I am accepting that I hate it but it is part of our marriage history. I can now choose to stay or go. I choose to stay.

I promise to treat you better or to never forsake you again or to thank you for never giving up / for your love or faith me in that I could become a better [man] or whatever you are comfortable with.

Getting back to the vow renewal question, I love this ^^^^^. Although, I would leave out the "I will never forsake you again" because I don't want to hear it.

I don't think a vow renewal is really the way to think of it, either. I liked the recommitment and reaffirm type ceremony SadFlower mentioned.

vistainc posted 1/15/2014 21:55 PM

I wanted to check back in to thank everyone who responded. I am back at school again and am happy for the distraction. The more I think about this, the more I am determined to have this conversation with fWH.

I plan to print this out and hopefully have that conversation this weekend.

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