That’s what I thought. He is still reeling from the fallout. In the ideal world, the WS would be immediately remorseful, but in reality, confused, selfish, and shallow people are usually too caught up in their own shame and self-pity to be much use to the spouse they hurt. It is not fair, but you are going to need to decide what YOU need in terms of support, and then decide what your boundaries are for this marriage.
On the second page of this thread, you will find posts that are marked by a target, such as Tactical Primer and Before You Say Reconcile and Boundaries and Consequences. You may find some help there.
He is remorseful for the pain he's causing me but he will shut down and become defensive if I ask too many questions.
This is pretty common. Some people throw the WS out and shock them into remorse. Some agree to write down their questions and the WS pulls them out of a bowl and answers one per night. To truly reconcile, you will need to ask your questions and hear your WS answer them honestly, but how much slack you are willing to give your WS to get to that place is your decision. I was adamant and repeatedly asked until I thought I had a truthful answer. My WH ran away rather than talk on more than one occasion. It caused a lot of further damage to our relationship, and the only reason he ever started dealing with it was because I was more than willing to dissolve the legal aspect of our M (that is, divorce. He already destroyed the other aspects of the M with his A). My advice to you would be to get the Not Just Friends book to understand more about infidelity for yourself, and the How to Help Your Spouse Heal book for your husband, and ask him to go to IC. And you go to your own IC and keep reading here!
The problem is you cannot make him give you what you need, but my hope is between the book and seeing your pain and MC and IC, he will begin to see that being transparent is the right way to rebuild your trust and to figure out for himself how he became a person who betrays. My H really struggled with reconciling the image he had of himself and the reality of what he had done (not that I have much sympathy for that, but it does seem to be a problem for most waywards after d-day).
The other possibility is that the A is not really over, just driven underground. I hate to bring that up when you are already in such pain, but it happens, especially with a LTA. Are you certain he is NC with the AP? Is he being transparent in all other ways (other than being forthcoming with answers) such as access to phone and e-mails, coming straight home from work, etc.?
ETA: If you haven't found them yet:
Tactical Primer:
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=235051
Boundaries and Consequences 101:
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=385631
Setting Healthy Boundaries:
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=231851
Understanding the 180:
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=232785
Great Posts for Newbies to Read:
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=361740
Emotional Detachment: What is it? How is it accomplished?
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=459284
Codependency in the Marriage: A BS’s common mistake
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=408443
20/20 Hindsight: What I Should Have Done When I JFO
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=446349
[This message edited by Lyonesse at 6:01 PM, January 11th (Saturday)]