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Put a muzzle on me please

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sleepless34 posted 1/11/2014 17:26 PM

Well, Today I decided that I would go to my daughters basketball game. I haven't been going because he is always there and I just like to avoid him at all costs, even if I have to miss the games. He even started assistant coaching the team…which is a joke because he never ever would have done that kind of thing before saying he was way to busy with work and such. Now he is super dad right?

Anyway, at the game our other child DD8 (who was picked up by him after school yesterday) was there and she immediately ran up to me and was all over me, hugging me, telling me how she wanted to come home with me and didn;t want to stay with Daddy anymore.

She was upset and said, "Can you ask him if I can go home. To my real home." then "Can I ask him if I can come home with you" and I said "Honey, it is your weekend with Daddy, and I am sure he wants to spend time with you. DD10 will be there tonight too, I am sure it will be fun." I tried to change the subject, etc, talked to other parents a bit. Then she runs away and goes and asks him if she can go home with me. He says no, it is his weekend.

During the whole game she sat on my lap and hugged me so tight it was so uncomfortable. She was acting like a 4 year old vs an 8 year old. The whole time whining and complaining that she didn't want to go with Daddy. She doesn;t like it over there. It is not fair. It is boring. Etc and so on.

Then after the game and the snacks and all the other parents are leaving, she will not leave me. I tell her I am going to leave and she needs to go with her sister and Daddy. No, she buried her face in my shoulder and refused.

He comes up to us and says, " I'll be out at the car" and instead of keeping me mouth shut and telling my DD for the 100th time to just go on with Daddy now….I said "No, YOU need to deal with this, this is not my problem" and he is like "okay, come on DD, we need to go" She says "No, I am not going" WTF am I supposed to do?? I was so mad seeing what he has done to our kids and the position he has put us in. I said "Well, are you happy? Isn't this what you wanted? Separate relationships with the kids?" and he is shushing me and I walked out with them and walked next to my older DD and he carried the younger one out crying. Then I had to get in my car and drive away while she was still crying about wanting to be with me and come back home with me.

I felt so bad. Bad for her to have to deal with this. Bad for myself because I didn't want my family split up either. I shouldn't have even gone to the game. I guess I will have to concede basketball to him too. I hated seeing her cry. I hated that I couldn't keep my trap shut and had to say something to him in front of the kids. He wants to act like it is all FINE and it is not FINE and so be it if they saw me mad at him, is it wrong to want to address it head on with honesty instead of pretending in front of them that this SHIT is normal??? I didn't know what to do, but I feel like i F**Ked up.

Someone bitch slap me for that one.

phmh posted 1/11/2014 17:37 PM


You are not going to get any slaps or 2X4s from me. I don't think you should concede basketball games.

Are your DDs in counseling? This is their new reality, and they need to get used to it. You shouldn't have to miss out on stuff like this.

I'm so sorry that your DD was so sad about it all. But I think you handled things just fine. Would it probably have been better if you hadn't said anything? Maybe, but what you said wasn't that bad and was true.

I wish there was something I could say to make it better, but I will just give you virtual hugs instead.

betrayedfriend posted 1/11/2014 17:38 PM

I'm not going to 2x4 you. You don't need one, you do however need a hug. So here it is, I'm sorry your dd is struggling with all of this. It's not fair to anyone, but especially not to the kids.

Chrysalis123 posted 1/11/2014 17:51 PM

Yes, you need a hug. ((((Sleepless)))) I do not think you did one thing wrong. It is wrong to pretend nothing is wrong, IMHO.

Perhaps you and little DD can process this when she returns, and help her with coping skills for the next time she has those feelings, and that those feelings are OK to have.

sleepless34 posted 1/11/2014 17:57 PM

Thanks for the hugs, no 2 x4's yet….

They went to a few sessions with counselor, but they didn't seem to be getting that much out of it. We took break for December for holidays, but I think I will get them back there.

The older one is accepting the new normal and is over being mad at her Dad. She mostly enjoys the time with him, but gets mad when it derails her social life.

The little one is pissed off at him. She is not drinking his cool aid, not buying it. She wanted to give him a "bag of poo" for Xmas, refuses to go over there, crys about it, but also says she can't tell him her feelings because it will hurt his feelings? What? She only likes to talk to me about it. Because I get real about it, without going to far for her age.

What an ahole. I hope she gives him a hard time all weekend.

ruby44 posted 1/11/2014 18:22 PM

No slaps or 2 x 4s for you, I know exactly what you are going thru. We are going thru a similar thing here too. My only advice to you is the next time you go to your daughter's game, on a Dad weekend, sit them both down and explain to them how the weekend is going to progress. My little one is not one for change and if she was not used to seeing you at the game it may have thrown her for a loop. Just let them know you will be there the younger one can sit with you, you will walk them to the car.... however it will go. You may want to get their dad to reiterate the plan just to confirm. That will help you keep your distance from him as well. "I will say goodbye at the door and Dad will wait for you by the bench" Do not stay away from the games just try and help her adjust. As for counseling, I hear you, I thought that nothing was happening either and my IC told me that before they can start discussing substantive issues they have to build rapport. Mine DDs did it over anime! It took 10+ sessions but now they are discussing real issues. Hugs sleepless we will get thru this, or so I am promised.

badmedicine posted 1/11/2014 18:57 PM

I'm pretty sure hearing your child sobbing for you was more painful than any 2x4.

I don't have kids so please feel free to disregard this advice if you think it is stupid. The only thing out of your scenario that I think you should have done differently is what you said to your WH about this being what he wanted and that it would make him happy. I think you should definitely tell him how you feel about it and I completely agree that you should make him deal with the tantrums over this but getting so angry at him in front of your kids seems like it could be damaging to them. Who gives a shit about him, but you care about them.

Keep going to basketball. Kids are more plastic than we are and they can adjust a lot better than adults so I hope your DDs can make it through.

Your title made me laugh.

ruinedandbroken posted 1/11/2014 19:19 PM

No 2x4's from me. I don't go to any events X-asshole is at if I can help it it order to keep my sanity. This stuff is so hard. We are all just doing the best we can.


Gemini71 posted 1/11/2014 22:21 PM

No 2x4s from me either.

My only advise is to get DD8 into counseling immediately! Your DD's reaction sounds a bit over the top, unless she's normally a drama queen. I know I'm paranoid because of my own personal situation, but if something untoward is going on at STBXH's, you want to know about it a.s.a.p.


BAB61 posted 1/11/2014 23:19 PM

(((((sleepless34))))) I think you handled it fairly well, he needs to grow a pair and deal with the kids. You should not give up basketball, you are there for your kids! Just let the kids know that you can't change the visitation, it is the judge/court that made that determination.

Love them and support them. Counseling is a good idea for the little one ... she sounds like things may be uncomfortable at her dad's .. is the OW there? Does she spend time there while your kids are there? That may be part of the issue. This is where the counselor can help. It's not appropriate for you to ask these questions.

lifestoshort posted 1/11/2014 23:24 PM

you did everything right. my heart aches for your child.

sleepless34 posted 1/12/2014 15:10 PM

Thank you all! I know, I am just doing the best I can. I wish I could be more robotic about it and go through the motions without the emotionn, but I am human. I try so hard to shelter them for the drama, but they are not stupid and sometimes I just get so angry I can't keep my mouth shut. To watch her cry and not want to go while he is fighting me for equal time because he somehow things that is what is best for them makes me crazy when so clearly they are not ready for that…..

I am sure he will slam me for it. But, WTF, they already know it was his choice that led us to this place and it is just HIM that can't seem to take responsibility.

Thank you for all the advise. Ruby44, I will do that. Setting expectations for her is a good idea.


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