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I hate this roller coaster :(

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Hurtm posted 1/12/2014 08:28 AM

Two days ago I was feeling ok. Maybe even a bit excited for a new beginning without him.

Then yesterday was one of the worst days in ages. Two panic attacks. Terrified of being able to afford anything and being destitute.

I hate this roller coaster

Chrysalis123 posted 1/12/2014 08:39 AM

I hear you. It is so hard.....But, with time it changed from extreme ups and downs to a fairly flat ride filled with joy.

Chrysalis123 posted 1/12/2014 08:40 AM

I hear you. It is so hard.....But, in time the roller-coaster changed from extreme ups and downs to a fairly flat ride filled with joy.

BAB61 posted 1/12/2014 10:23 AM

Me too! This is definitely NOT where I thought I'd be at this point in my life... smh ... even if I freak out about the future I KNOW I'm better off without him!

littlefoggy posted 1/12/2014 10:47 AM

Me too.

I am excited and terrified.

I hate the process but in the end it will be worth it.

I want to vomit when I think of what I will be giving up to be rid of him. But I also am totally willing to give it up to be rid of him.

betrayed13yrs posted 1/12/2014 11:15 AM

I know EXACLTY how you feel. We have been together for 13 yrs and I didn't even realize how much I'd become someone I'm not and lost myself. 13 yrs with a narcissist is enough for me. Now the thought of a future without him is both exhilarating and terrifying. In one sense I can't wait to find out who I really am and to find REAL love with someone new, in the other sense I am scared out of my wits because he is all I have known for over 13 years. I live with my parents and at the end of the month, after paying loans on my tuition and all of my other bills, I am left with $800. I would love to be independent and have a place of my own with DD5 and DS1, but the reality is that I will most likely NEVER move out of my parents again until I get into a serious relationship with a man I will marry and move in with him, which I don't see happening for YEARS I feel like a failure as a woman and a mother. I'm happy to be without him and independent, but I'm devastated that being alone and independent do not go hand in hand. FML

SusanR posted 1/12/2014 11:53 AM

@betrayed - once your student loans are paid off, you might have enough money to get out on your own.

After my first Divorce My DDAnd I lived with my Mom for about 6 months. I hated it but it gave me a chance to get on my feet financially. I got a job offer for a lot more money so I took it and moved into a small apartment. 7 years later, I still didn't have anything decorative or luxury items in the apartment, no paintings, no fancy dishes, etc., but I had saved enough to put a down payment on a house.

When I met a married my second husband, I still didn't have livingroom furniture, any paintings, fancy towels, or dishes but, I had a great deal of pride in what I had accomplished on my own.

My advice is aim for financial independence, however long it takes and whatever you have to sacrifice. Don't get yourself back into the position where you must rely on a man financially.

I didn't marry my WS for money and I am not afraid to live without his money. He and I know I will be fine in that area. I'm not saying that will prevent another heartbreak, hell, look at me, but, at least you won't have to put up with as much manipulation.

betrayed13yrs posted 1/12/2014 12:17 PM

I don't ever want to have to rely on another man. But, I won't be able to move out of my parents for a very long time. My student loan payments just went into affect last month at $600/mo. The whole reason I moved in here was to pay a lot extra on the principal of my loans to get them pain off in three years instead of ten. But with all of the other crap, like divorce and attorney fees, I don't see future independence any time soon:(

SusanR posted 1/12/2014 12:26 PM

Just make a plan and stick to it. It will happen!

Hurtm posted 1/12/2014 12:28 PM

Thanks all

It just all seems insurmountable some days, you know

Lost15 posted 1/12/2014 21:24 PM


I feel the same way Hurtm. There are days I will be going along ok and then the next I'm so lonely and panic about the future ahead of me. I wonder how am I going to get DS and I out of my parents house, pay the bills, start paying student loans and on and on. It becomes very overwhelming. I just have to keep pushing forward and not give up.

SBB posted 1/13/2014 05:33 AM

I was right where you are. EXACTLY where you are. God I remember how scared I was.

I've only ever had 3 panic attacks in my whole life - all post DD.

I think fear is one of the reasons I stayed despite being so desperately unhappy even before DD. The fear of the known was more comfortable than the fear of the unkown.

Let me tell you that the fear is worse than that which you fear.

I've made changes to my life. I've cut back on things and overall lots of things have been adjusted. I'm not starving. I can afford what I have. It isn't the same as when I was M but it is well worth the price to be free.

I was afraid of these changes but you know what? They're not so bad. Certainly not as bad as a shit M - even though I never worried about bills in that M.

I'll take worrying about bills over worrying about my husband and what STDs he is exposing me to hands down.

Fear is completely normal - don't confuse it with reality. Chances are some things aren't as bad as you fear. Easy for me to say because I'm through this part. In time you'll read a post just like this and you'll be astonished at how scared you were.

You won't always feel this way.

lifestoshort posted 1/13/2014 08:47 AM

roller coaster feeling is worst. feeling strong and powerful and happy is healthier, safer BUT we have no absolute security in life. bad things happen, i found out death even happens for no good reason.

do something that makes you happy. work out, it has proven to put oxygen flow and endorphins in your to think more positively and feel stronger.

know this will not last.

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