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lifestoshort posted 1/12/2014 10:32 AM

advice needed. I have full custody of 2 kids. he signed off cause I had a psych sign a letter stating he was an unfit parent. he didnt want to fight it. hes had a dui and picked my kids up hrs later (he didnt tell me)
he has a rep with dating alot of girls and he now likes them with kids. probably uses my kids as bait to get these 20 yr olds. they all break up with him after a while.

Ive been to home 2 times in last yr. both times, cps should have been called. there was garbage overflowing, barely could walk in door with stuff everywhere, old food all over, kids rooms had clothing all over floor. I commented and he says his mom says the same stuff. i wished I had taken pictures!! but my phone makes a click sound when I take pics.

so kids tell me hes had girls over there 2 times now in 2 weeks. 3 days ago he drove with my toddler not in a carseat. she told me, he admitted to it. i ask him about girl and we have a signed agreement stating no one can meet our kids for 3 months and no sleep overs for 6. I one time had person I was dating meet my child at 10-11 weeks. he holds that against me to have a girl hes dated 2 weeks to sleep over at his house.
he gets kids 30 hrs in a week. he says that his only free time, so I said, then you go on your date, cause thats more important, and you can get kids when date is done or next visit. he doesnt like that. well I have a mind and im protecting kids so you need to do it.

hes suppose to get kids in an hr and a half and i sent a text he can go on date and get kids later. also school called to say our kid needs counseling and showing extreme shifts in behavior. really? you think? I let him know, he never commented. ofcourse.

I really want to move out of state. last time I tried he fought it and the mediator said to him, you dont make kids priority. now you can fight but its unlikely you will win. ex said he cant even take kids full time so mediator said who will watch them, he said my gf. her eyes widened. of course that girl is long gone. she had a kid too and my kids miss that child. he went on to date 2 other girl with kids, who my kids got attached to and not they broke up. the gf now has a kid. clearly I cannot make him have commonsense.
Im tempted to message her my wishes and the court order. cause if he stays with this girl, I want to be able to get along with her. but they need to be smart in dating is not a family thing

[This message edited by lifestoshort at 7:52 PM, January 12th (Sunday)]

betrayed13yrs posted 1/12/2014 11:34 AM

I know exactly how you feel. I have only been gone four months, and only just told him yesterday that I am 100% done and am no longer pretending to R. That being said, a year ago, when DS1 was two weeks old, he wanted to take DD5 on a father-daughter outing to the zoo. When they came home and he wasn't around she told me ALL about it. Turns out, he took her on a date with OW, and she brought her BFFs two sons. He of course denies that. Since I said I wanted D four months ago it has been up and down, the last month and a half I have been faking R to get through the holidays. The past four months he has had OW of LTA (bc there are a ton of others, but this one is love, haha) at our house with the kids there, staying the night with them there, he took DD5 to a wedding with her, he took the kids to her BFFs house for Thanksgiving, etc... AND he denies ALL of it. But I know better, he is a habitual liar and always will be!

So yes, I know exactly how you feel. She hasn't been there with the kids since Thanksgiving, but I'm sure that is because I told him I know she's always there, DD5 tells me and I'd appreciate it if he wouldn't teach her to lie. I'm sure now that I said I am 100% done she'll be back around, with their love child. Hmmmmmm, I wonder how they will explain the baby to DD5, since OW told DD5 she wasn't prego when she asked, like DD5 is stupid, OW was 8 months pregnant for fucks sake!

lifestoshort posted 1/12/2014 11:40 AM

oh geez!! thats a horrible mess.

I just opted to text kids dad and say go on date and you can get kids later. he messaged me back and said no date, when can he get kids. I said I will drop them off later when I am done doing an activity and dinner. no response.

SusanR posted 1/12/2014 12:09 PM

I would call child protective services and have them pay an unannounced visit to his house at some time when the kids are there. The girlfriend du jour and her kids might be there as well. Double bonus points if that happens!

I think you can report him anonymously.

I had to file to get "supervised" visitation for my first ex for drugs, prostitution, and alcohol. It was expensive but well worth it. Ex's Dad, Mom, or sister had to supervise all visitation so, DD pretty much stayed with them and her dad, "drunk and or drug-addled" might show up for an hour on his "weekends". The in-laws would typically refuse to let him bring his prostitute girlfriends into their homes so that put an end to that problem.

lifestoshort posted 1/12/2014 13:53 PM

well he took my threat serious. canceled date with gf and he picked up kids after a chat.

I will get them in a bit (on his day) since I planned an activity with them due to his prior plans.

when he called he said, I never had the plans, you assumed. NO, i asked you 2 seperate times to not do it, when its already stated to not and then after that you wanted to spend time with her today. so i told kids, dad has a date, he will get you a bit later. we are going to do this today. he didnt like that. I said, thats the truth.

he finally said, no I will take the little time I get with them.
he knows we will be in mediation for me to move out of state late this yr or next so hes probably trying to look great and not screw up. i dont know.

PurpleRose posted 1/12/2014 14:11 PM

Be very careful here, lifestoshort.

.. so i told kids, dad has a date, he will get you a bit later. we are going to do this today. he didnt like that. I said, thats the truth.

That is highly inappropriate, in my opinion, and setting yourself up for some problems you don't want. Why would you tell your children that? Your five year old?

She doesn't need the added weight of "your dad doesn't want you" on her back. Please don't use your kids as a pawn to hurt or control your STBX.

I know how difficult that can be, but it is really not fair to your kids. Sure, that may be the truth, but it's not a truth they need to hear at one and five years old.

Nature_Girl posted 1/12/2014 17:35 PM

What I'm reading here has me concerned. While I truly appreciate that you are a caring mother, some of what you're saying isn't going to work in your favor.

CPS doesn't give a GD flying fuck about messy houses. If you report that, if you even make an issue of it to your ex or your children, YOU will be the one who looks bad.

If it isn't in a document signed by a judge, you do not have the right to dictate what your ex (you're divorced?) does with his social life. He may be acting entirely immorally, he may be harming your children by parading girlfriends in/out of your children's lives, but YOU don't get to have a say in it. As long as your children aren't being seriously physically harmed, the courts won't give a shit and will be very annoyed with you for making an issue of it.

The courts WILL care very much that you're talking shit about your ex to your daughter. I'm hoping what you typed here is just an emotional retelling of your conversation, that you didn't really suggest to your child that Daddy doesn't want to be with her. If you did actually say to her what you've shared here, you're risking everything should she tell her father.

What you're describing sounds a lot like your daughter is being used as a pawn, that both you and your ex are saying all kinds of damaging shit to her. Are you open to the idea of family counseling?

lifestoshort posted 1/12/2014 19:50 PM

my children are not 1 and 5. much older. Ive been divorced from him for 4 1/2 yrs already.
and I had not planned to call cps. people tell me to but id rather him just clean the house.

and me not telling the Truth in the past had my child hate me. when I started stating truth why he wasnt showing up, my child stopped blaming me. I talked to a counselor about it and the mediator on our case. its not badmouthing him at all. it stating why he was not showing up. in this case it was cause he had plans with his gf. other times, I say he cant show cause hes working or whatever the issue was.

just like If I cant take them, I may be off to work I say you will have so and so babysit cause I have work today. same thing if I had a date, Im going out tonight for a dinner date...

[This message edited by lifestoshort at 7:54 PM, January 12th (Sunday)]

lifestoshort posted 1/12/2014 20:00 PM

oh you guys are mixing the second posters info with mine. that person has a one yr old and a 5 yr old.

PurpleRose posted 1/12/2014 20:39 PM

Doh! You are right-- I totally switched your story and betrayed... Sorry!

So how old are your kids?

SusanR posted 1/13/2014 05:24 AM

@nature girl- what was described was far more tha a "messy house". Sounds unhealthy and that is abuse as far as I'm concerned. CPS may have a stance on "overfloeing garbage" and "old food all over". I certainly hope so.

My ex burned our DD accidentally with a cigarette and her school called CPS. They checked on my home as well. Checked what was in the fridge, what her room looked like, id her bed and clothes were clean. Kinda made me angry at the time but 'm glad they do it. Why should looking out for your children's welfare make you look bad?

lifestoshort posted 1/13/2014 08:41 AM

he has mice in house, kids and he tells me. i see he has little to no food in fridge most days. and he really doesnt have them much so I understand why. the kids usually eat fast food and one of my kids has allergies so that doesnt work for her at all. she comes home with rashes often. it takes a day here to get both kids rested and less crabby again.