smez - NO ONE should listen to anyone on this site that tells them to ignore an IC/MC advice
Respectfully, I disagree with this blanket statement. I think that many of us here have had conflicting opinions of our IC/MC counsellors. How do you know if you have a good IC is a regular post here in fact. The trick IMHO is to listen to your soul when you wonder if you have gotten good advice or not.
Donít listen to your head, itís easily confused, donít listen to your heart, its fickle, listen to your soul, God doesnít steer you wrong.
Like all of us, our IC/MC counsellors have different skills, abilities, focus and professional credentials. That means that if all things are equals, you would expect that you would get a range of advice on any given issue from anyone at any time. That includes getting advice on whether to confess or not.
As someone who had read extensively from the WS book list, I think I am not exaggerating that 85% of them advocate being honest and open and confessing to the affair as being fundamental to the process.
Cee64D - Speak the truth even if your voice shakes.
As I said earlier, IMHO, confessing isnít only about the BS and their need for transparency and honesty. I think, on a more fundamental basis, itís what the WS needs in order to start self-healing.
Donít get me wrong, I'm not totally embracing of the whole new world touchy feelie crystal healing thing but I canít deny the feeling that weíre all trying at some instinctive level to live a life that is good and kind and authentic. How can we ever get there if weíre hiding a secret as big as adultery?
Adultery isnít just about the sexual part. Adultery is the lying to ourselves and others. Adultery is letting passion overrule reason. Adultery is letting the greedy kid inside win instead of the grownup which we were. Adultery is wrong and we all know it or else we never would have come to this site regardless.
UnexpectedSong - I will always be the one with that broken soul - pieced and glued together, maybe, but you can see the seams and duct tape. It's ugly.
How can letting go of the dark side be wrong? How can letting truth and honesty win be wrong? Will being honest be harmful to a marriage? Well, we canít deny that it could result in a huge messy divorce but then look again at this issue. What is lying and secrecy doing to your life right now? You know your moral compass is out of kilter and you have to live with that every day. Yes, it seems like its easy now but trust me, things kept in the dark fester and grow even if we donít see it. Hell, especially if we try to hide it in the dark.
Anon - You can close your eyes from the things you donít want to see but you can never close your heart from the things you donít want to feel.
So, what happens when your MC tells you to not confess? Well, if you donít mind someone telling you to lie, deceive, hide the truth and be a liar, then I guess you can follow that advice.
If on the other hand, you can feel in your bones that being authentic and honest is where you want to go, then you have to accept that confession is one of those steps that you just have to take.
Floridaredman - We all must suffer the consequence of infidelity, those of us who chose to stray.
I think that 95% of us all eventually confessed, either when confronted or on our own and many of us have had to live with the extra damage done by trickle truthing our confessions too. That is why there seems to be a core belief about the benefits of confessing. But ultimately, you make your own decision. I just hope that you wonít have to come back here in the future anguishing over the fact that the continuing deceit is what cost you your marriage.
Unknown Poster - Regret is insight that comes a day too late