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Tipana posted 1/12/2014 15:39 PM

My husband and I have been married for a little over 7 years and together for 12, but no kids. Our marriage was great at the beginning. However, the last three years have been difficult as we are struggling with debt and infertility. Over a year ago, my husband got hurt on the job and had been home recovering till a few months ago when he started school again. That is where he met her. I suspected there was something going on when he started distancing himself and always finding excuses not to be home. I checked his phone on January 1st and found messages telling the OW how he loved her.WHAT? LOVE? I was devastated and asked him about this the next day. He said he was confused about life, not sure if he wanted kids (our first IUI was scheduled for end of January), his feelings for her and did not know if he wanted to stay with me. We booked a counseling session that same week, where he said he was depressed (family history) and confused but was willing to stop contact to clear his head. That was a week ago. Today, I asked if he had spoken to her and he admitted that he still keeps contact. I know that I should take this as a sign to just go on without him but i find myself making excuses for him , e.g, he's confused cause he's depressed, counseling will help him see that he should stay, etc. I am so sad, hurt, and trying hard to block it all out..i don't know what to do..

Kitty70 posted 1/12/2014 15:59 PM

So sorry this happened to you. I know how devastating it is to find out the one you love states he's in love with someone else. It's so hurtful. My situation is somewhat similar, except I'm not married (LTR though) and my WB will not admit/has never admitted to anything. Just reading your post makes me want to ask you if this is what you think you deserve...bottom line. Do you want to be with someone who's not sure about you? I get the depression, etc. and making excuses, b/c I do the same thing. But just take a step back and detach. Life is too short. Something to think about.


TheClimb posted 1/12/2014 16:09 PM

It is a little slow around here on the weekends, but help is coming. Have you read up on the Healing Library yet? It is on the upper left side of your screen and can help you see that many have been in your shoes and that you will be ok.

So, he has been seeing someone and now is depressed and confused. I know that you are hurting and SHOCKED at what has happened, seeming out of no where. I know that you also love him even though he is hurting you terribly. Since he is still in contact with this "person", I suggest you check out the 180 in the Healing Library. It helps you pull the focus off of him and his cheating ways and take care of yourself. Is this "person" married? If so, do not discuss with your husband but forward any proof of the affair you have to her husband. This will throw a little cold water onto their affair. She will be so busy dealing with her betrayed spouse to play house with your husband.

Finally, we have a saying around here that you can't "nice them back". I know if you want to save your marriage this seems to go against your best judgment, but you will have to trust us here. Sometimes the only way to save a marriage is to risk letting it go. He has not ceased contact with this "person", until he does his "confusion" will continue. It is time that he make a decision, you or her. If he doesn't stop talking to her then he needs to leave. Until he stops seeing her, marriage counseling should be put on hold. How good can marriage counseling be if he has a girlfriend? Individual counseling is also a must for him and you too if you think it will help you cope.

He is being selfish and cruel. Married people do not date others. Keep reading and posting. I promise that you will be ok.

[This message edited by TheClimb at 4:11 PM, January 12th (Sunday)]

aero1122 posted 1/12/2014 18:38 PM

I am 5 weeks from d-day so I am no expert but the one thing everyone on here has said was to not rush into any decisions and to take care of yourself. Try to eat and drink water. Go for walks and clear your head. It is such a horrible position you are in and I feel your pain. Post as often as you need to and know you are not alone.

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