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Husband - Adamant "just friends"

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PurpleLilac posted 1/12/2014 16:01 PM

[This message edited by PurpleLilac at 4:18 PM, February 21st (Friday)]

Lovedyoumore posted 1/12/2014 16:13 PM

Move forward cautiously.

My H also said, "just friends". At the time they were in an emotional affair. Lots of texting, phone calls, "business" dinners, after work drink, etc. I found out, he said they would cool it. He told her that there would be no more friend connection. Until she came crying saying she could not live without her best friend. Exactly 6 weeks later they started a torrid 3 month physical affair that would make a hooker blush.

He thought being friends was cool and opposite sexes could be besties without issue. He had someone who called him first thing in the am and the last thing at night. I trusted him to keep his word. That was my mistake to let them make me feel uncool and not "with it".

After you read "Not Just Friends", have your H read it with you. Hopefully he will come out of the fog.

When does a friend quit being a friend and become "the other person"? When they hide the calls and texts. When they keep secrets. When they insist on privacy from their committed spouse.

[This message edited by Lovedyoumore at 4:13 PM, January 12th (Sunday)]

WarpSpeed posted 1/12/2014 16:13 PM

Sorry you're here but glad you found us. You're doing a lot of the right things already. Telling the OW husband is a smart move. Not Just Friends is a great read and very relevant to your situation.

You note "Him wanting to make sure our marriage is in place" and then later "Positive he won't want to read."

If he means the former then he will read it. If he won't read it, he doesn't mean the former.

This is a long hard slog with an uncertain destination. Take care of yourself physically. The stress can eat you up and you need to eat and sleep and take care of that part of you as best you can.

hang in there

catlover50 posted 1/12/2014 16:31 PM

Anytime a third person is taking emotional time, energy and attention away from the marriage it is an A, at least an EA. The fact that he won't give her up for you speaks volumes. He is in his own kind of "fog". He doesn't have to sleep with her, or say that he loves her, for it to be a betrayal. All he has to do is put her ahead of you, which he is doing.

My H did this, after PA but before I knew the truth about it. He thought because he wasn't having sex and it wasn't emotional and he was mentoring an employee it was okay. He texted her, erased them, called her, went out with her and her H when I was out of town. He stubbornly refused to stop because he "wasn't doing anything wrong" and they were "just friends". After everything came out in the open and he came out of his own fog he realized that this, too, was a betrayal. It also caused trouble at work because of fears of favoritism. He is so sorry now, but at the time I could not reach him; I was ready to divorce him over the disrespect.

Read Not Just Friends. But even if he hasn't or doesn't slide down the slippery slope to PA he is already cheating. I'm afraid he needs his own version of a wake up call.

Best of luck.

[This message edited by catlover50 at 4:32 PM, January 12th (Sunday)]

Lucky2HaveMe posted 1/12/2014 16:38 PM

Oh I got the "Just Friends" mantra for MONTHS! Then it turned to...

* She was a good friend
* She just wants me to be happy
* She has given me advice

blah, blah, blah

He willingly gave his emotional self to her - something I had longed for our entire marriage.

Then it became...

*Ok we did kiss once
*OK she did give me BJ once
*OK! we had sex in the car once

THEN, with the help of the scorned OW, I found out it was a 3yr EA, culminating in a full blown PA with hotel stays etc.

I caution that you may not have the whole story. Stay diligent. Stay aware. What finally got him to start telling me the truth was when I read passages from "Not Just Friends" to him during a 4 hour car trip - great captive time!

Hugs and welcome to the site no one wants to join.

littlefoggy posted 1/12/2014 16:49 PM

So did mine.

Now we are divorcing he lives with her.

I never found out the whole story.

If they are "just friends", he will choose you over her in a heart beat. Male friends of mine have done it for their wives to me with my absolute support. Because we were just friends.

Think about your male friends and what you would want them to do if their wives were uncomfortable with your friendship.

Or think about what you would do if your H was uncomfortable with a male friend of yours.

These are the things I thought about and compared to what my WS was doing. No way were they just friends if he couldn't put me and his child above a "friend".

nomoredreams posted 1/12/2014 16:55 PM

God, I am so sorry.
You are telling my story...except for the running. Mine never took up running. Just cheating-and herpes which he shared! Just friends seems to be code for look deeper, so please do. Above all, protect yourself. God bless. nmd

Gr8Lady posted 1/12/2014 17:00 PM

Just friend story too, until I found nude pictures of her posed all over my house.
No friend I ever had would do that, then he reluctantly confessed. And I do mean reluctantly, trickle trickle trickle barely an encounter much less what evidence showed by time stamp on pictures, Busted.

PurpleLilac posted 1/12/2014 17:34 PM

[This message edited by PurpleLilac at 4:18 PM, February 21st (Friday)]

catlover50 posted 1/12/2014 18:19 PM

Well, you want him because he's your H and you love him.

And also there's a psychological response in us to desperately hang on to people who are rejecting us. Sometimes when we get them back we realize we don't actually want them.

Ask him if he's being YOUR friend right now.

SisterMilkshake posted 1/12/2014 19:26 PM

He says "I can't believe you'd divorce me for having a friend."
I would reply "I can't believe you would chose a "friend" over me."

If there wasn't anything to hide, this "friendship" would not have been hidden. Yes, definitely an emotional affair. So very sorry. (((Purple)))

brkn_heartd posted 1/12/2014 20:15 PM

I agree with Sistermilkshake. I recently found my old journal and read it. My husband was ready to divorce me for not letting him have his "friend". Even though this female friend has apologized and said she will back off....do NOT trust this to happen. Stay vigilent. I would expect that it will go underground. You will know by your H behavior. Watch for new email accounts, a second phone, secretive actions. They might even try to get together in couples activities to "prove" nothing is going on. DONT LET YOUR GUARD DOWN!

My husband's "friend" also ended up in a PA. I could see it happening, but no amount of begging, pleading or anything else would get him to stop. He just went deeper underground. It was more important than our marriage to him at the time.

statistic posted 1/12/2014 20:17 PM

Your intuition is spot on. The more he tries to spin you around, confuse you, or convince you that you are crazy, the closer you are to the truth. It's difficult because you are being fed lies, minimizations, and half truths, but do trust yourself.

I gave my husband the benefit of the doubt. I posted on SI and received the same feedback your getting. I ignored and resented it. As a result, I had 2 more d-days which informed me of just how extensive the affair was.

What he is doing is wrong. It is a betrayal. And he knows it. I suggest drawing a hard line and sticking to it. The fact that they need to maintain contact for work will only make it all the more difficult for them to stop the affair if they decided to do so. Is there really no way to drop this client? My husband have me the same story and they picked right up again. I found out again and he dropped her like a hot potato because I moved out. All of a sudden, it was possible to cut her out.

Now that they are aware of your knowledge, they will most likely take it underground- communicate in ways that are less obvious or traceable.

Of course you still want him. He is your husband. His was literally just dropped on your lap without warning. Your feelings towards him do not change so quickly, if at all.

You are doing everything right.

(Strength)

SisterMilkshake posted 1/12/2014 20:29 PM

Can you be the contact person for this project? You can talk to her and then you talk to your WH. As soon as this project is over, don't take another from them. Cut her out.

"my wife is crazy" line, so she is reluctant to drop her "friend".
Who the hell does she think she is? After the project is over I would tell her to fuck off and die!

littlefoggy posted 1/12/2014 20:32 PM

I agree to watch for it going underground. Not just phone bills. FB chat. Third party apps. iMessage (iPhone texts don't always show on the phone bill).

Stick to the 180. I wish I had stuck to it more early on. I wouldn't have put myself through unnecessary pain.

lqqk4answ posted 1/13/2014 00:15 AM

My husband, whether he wants a friend or not, has continually rejected me for her.

For me, that is a clear signal as "NOT" just friends! See, I had a couple of "just friends" of opposite sex and my wife didn't feel comfortable with them so I simply and immediately quit being friends, with out question. Friends simply never come before the spouse and marriage - NEVER! Now it's my wife that has a "just friend" but like you she places him before me and the marriage! To me, that is the clear difference between being "just friends" and "NOT just friends".

I'm so lost and he has a way of making me feel crazy, or hyper sensitive. My sister checks me back, but in the emotional turmoil of it all, those doubts creep back in.
yes, you tend to start saying it is me, I'm being jealous for nothing, etc. but in the end YOU have to trust YOU, your gut. There is much to learn about like stonewalling, rug sweep, trickle truth, blame shifting (which might be what is happening to you here). But you have SI and a great book "not just friends" -- read it as fast as you can! I recommend to use a highlighter as some parts are worthy of highlighting!

Much good advise here ... I would just like to emphasize and restate a few points made ... It's worth hearing again!:

When does a friend quit being a friend and become "the other person"? When they hide the calls and texts. When they keep secrets. When they insist on privacy from their committed spouse.
It should be tell-tale if you ask to start going to the gym with him ... to run with "them" etc. Any friend of his should be a friend of yours ... if they are not a friend of yours, then they shouldn't be a friend of his (or just his)! If he reject the idea of your participation, then they're NOT just friends!

He doesn't have to sleep with her, or say that he loves her, for it to be a betrayal. All he has to do is put her ahead of you, which he is doing.
I already covered that but it is worth repeating! Putting her ahead of you is betrayal!

Read Not Just Friends. But even if he hasn't or doesn't slide down the slippery slope to PA he is already cheating. I'm afraid he needs his own version of a wake up call.
I agree! Waking up when in a fog is still sleeping and is not easy but he does need to wake up!

If they are "just friends", he will choose you over her in a heart beat.
Again I covered but lttlefoggy said it better

Ask him if he's being YOUR friend right now.
There is much more you could ask him, that should provoke some thought! As someone said
Move forward cautiously
... it is a delicate situation because of
the fog
which something else you'll come to understand and hope he does too! He is in the fog and need to think!

I would reply "I can't believe you would chose a "friend" over me."
.. just such fine comeback words! The book "Not Just Friends" does goes into good approaches as how to approach conversation ... you have to try what doesn't provoke argument and that which provokes discussion.

I agree to watch for it going underground. Not just phone bills. FB chat. Third party apps. iMessage (iPhone texts don't always show on the phone bill). Stick to the 180. I wish I had stuck to it more early on. I wouldn't have put myself through unnecessary pain.
OK, several things here, but I'll just say I second that!

I didn't find SI till I was dealing with all the stuff for over a year and trying to do so totally on my own -- I came here because I was having a hard time, guess I can say I still am. But I have found the folks here can offer much advice and information as well as support -- none of which you have on your own. They have experience and all I can say is for you use their experience to your an advantage! Most of all, good luck to you!

Whatdoido333 posted 1/13/2014 06:12 AM

I heard that all too... Just friends. I can have whatever friends i want, etc.

Found out he was looking for a house with his friend. Who looks to move in with a member of the opposite sex and has never had sex!!! Really...

Be careful, it's 4 years later for me and they are still.... Just friends.....they work together in a 3 person office. Great life :(

overandone posted 1/13/2014 06:33 AM

If they're 'just friends' then he won't mind you seeing his phone and having conversations with her in front of you. I have 'men friends', but am happy (and usually do) talk to them within earshot of my H. My phone is unlocked and left round the house where H can check it any time he wants. Nothing to hide. Should be the same with your H if he's telling you the truth.

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