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How many of us tried to "save the AP"

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Alyssamd24 posted 1/12/2014 18:16 PM

I have been reading a few posts recently where the WS talks about trying to "save" or "change" their AP...I wonder if there is any reason for this or if it is common for those who have A?

In my own A, I definitely tried to change aspects of my AP, and tried to save him from himself. Now I laugh at the absurdity of it....that I was trying to fix him and make him a more secure,confident person, when clearly the person I should focused on fixing was myself.

While I was trying to fix him, he was also trying to fix me....it's so unreal that we each realized we had issues that had to be addressed, but relied on each other to fix these things....especially cuz we were each other's biggest issue.

How many others were in similar situations? Did you feel like you had to fix your AP, or protect them from themselves?

Mrs Panda posted 1/12/2014 19:49 PM

My first AP was a KISA type. I knew him pretty we'll as we were coworkers and colleagues for years. I tried to give him advice on how to not be a douche. I tried to give him advice for his future dating life.

My second AP, I guess he was "emotionally unavailable". So every little nugget of emotion he showed, latched on to. I also tried to encourage him in his job. I tried to mold him into what I needed. What he really is, I don't know. Just an amorphous blob of bad choices.

NoGoodUsername posted 1/12/2014 21:04 PM

Oh yeah I was in full on, KISA mode and my AP made out well being helpless in a lot of ways. Add in my ego-kibble addiction and a double-handful of other issues on both sides and we had a grand recipe for disaster.

confused43 posted 1/13/2014 00:10 AM

What is KISA?

confused43 posted 1/13/2014 00:18 AM

I definitely tried to change AP, to show him how much better our relationship could be if he opened up. It was very hard for him and we talked about this and it stemmed back from being a kid. His whole marriage was a lack of communication because he is emotionally unavailable. I read a book, or am still reading called "How We Love" - I love this book. He is the total avoider and low and behold I have a name too, it's called a vacillator. What is that? I had no idea until I was reading about myself and also how avoiders and vacillators have a hard time making a go of it. THe more they avoid the more people like me push which makes them retreat more.

This book gave me insight into my affair relationship and also to my marriage and how my husband is.

For me it helped to read about how my AP is because often I did try to change him but never understood why he was so stupid to think that avoiding conflict was better than dealing with it. It's who he was and only he can change that.

In the meantime I found my own baggage in that book and am realizing how much more work I have to do.

I think part of what keeps me from contacting AP or thinking we have a future is knowing how messed up and unavailable he is and how messed up I am. We would never stand a chance with teh way we were. Being able to know that helps me focus on my marriage. It might not be the best way to focus on my marriage but right now I will take anything to help me stop thinking of AP and put that energy into BH.

DanteJace posted 1/13/2014 05:27 AM

What is KISA?

That means "knight in shining armor".

I'm new here, too, and finding the acronyms a bit hard to crack. There are a couple of pages on the site where many of them are listed. Try these:

http://survivinginfidelity.com/library.asp

http://survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=469718

My first AP was a KISA type. ... I tried to give him advice on how to not be a douche.

That reference confused me. If he is a "knight in shining armor", doesn't that mean he is good and noble in all the ways that make him attractive? If he had obvious douche-like qualities that you saw even before you got involved with him, does he still qualify as a "knight"? (Not arguing -- just curious about how you are using the term.)

DanteJace posted 1/13/2014 05:51 AM

I have been reading a few posts recently where the WS talks about trying to "save" or "change" their AP...I wonder if there is any reason for this or if it is common for those who have A?

I have the hunch that it is common. Seems to me that those who would risk so much to have an affair are deeply in need of a relationship, and wouldn't everyone in a relationship want to "save" their relationship partner, and/or change them for the better?

In my case, I was her "knight in shining armor", and that was a thrill and big attraction of the affair for me. I was "saving her" from her bad marriage, unmet sexual needs, and absence of romance and emotional closeness.

Do you remember that Sheryl Crow song "Strong Enough"? The singer is basically broken and at the bottom of life and even kind of bitter. The catchline in the chorus was "Are you strong enough to be my man?". She played it for me once... and I knew I was.

And it was awesome.

Trying33 posted 1/13/2014 08:33 AM

And it was awesome.

It seems to me as though you are stuck and you are stopping yourself from moving on. Reminiscing is serving a purpose for you. What is it?

@Alyssa,

Yes, totally tried to save/change him. I wanted to be the one to make it all better for him and to "turn" him into the good guy.
If any woman can make you stop cheating it's ME... pfffffftttttt.

[This message edited by Trying33 at 8:34 AM, January 13th (Monday)]

Aubrie posted 1/13/2014 08:42 AM

I think the next question to ask after Alyssa's is:

"Why did you try to save the AP?"

To make yourself feel better about yourself? To feel superior? Control?

Much like everything else, it goes deeper than just saving the AP. There was a reason behind it.

Trying33 posted 1/13/2014 08:49 AM

"Why did you try to save the AP?"

Because he would love me forever once he knew my value and how important I was in improving his life.
Because it would prove he needed me when my perception was that my BH doesn't need me. On the contrary, I truly believed I was a hindrance in my H's life.
Because I cared about him and wanted the best for him. I got emotionally attached and genuinely wanted to help him, human to human.
Because I felt sorry for him that he's had such a rough life.. (or so I believed)
Because he may reciprocate. If I save him, he may save ME.

confused43 posted 1/13/2014 09:11 AM

Because he would love me forever once he knew my value and how important I was in improving his life.
Because it would prove he needed me when my perception was that my BH doesn't need me. On the contrary, I truly believed I was a hindrance in my H's life.
Because I cared about him and wanted the best for him. I got emotionally attached and genuinely wanted to help him, human to human.
Because I felt sorry for him that he's had such a rough life.. (or so I believed)
Because he may reciprocate. If I save him, he may save ME.
YES, all this for me too

That song out now "say something" pretty much sums it up for me. At first I cried and now I can listen to it knowing that my AP could never say anything and it was a huge obstacle that made me realize all the above things could never happen with him. Everything I wanted and needed was still at home for me. I just didn't see it because I was working on fixing the other guy.

Alyssamd24 posted 1/13/2014 10:04 AM

Like everyone else has said I tried to save him from himself....to be more in touch with his emotions, to enjoy his life more, to come to terms with his illness and to deal with it in a healthy way.

In answer to Aubrie .....yes it was for control. And it was easier to focus on him rather than me....also for codependent reasons I have recently discovered I have.

Now looking back on it I realize how wrong I was....but at the time I thought its what I needed to do.

somethingremorse posted 1/13/2014 10:11 AM

I have been lurking since my DDay. Thanks for all the help. Joined because this topic spoke to me.

I was the KISA in both my A. I was messed up, and went for women "more messed up" than me. I think that it made me feel good about myself to think I was helping them. Maybe it's different for everyone, but "saving" the AP was only to boost myself up. It had damn little to do with the AP.

plainsong posted 1/13/2014 11:03 AM

In addition to the human desire to help, and the mastery/prestige thought of "Look how good I am at helping," I also thought, if I can help her to change, there is hope that I can get help and change. My issues are not hopeless.

knightsbff posted 1/13/2014 12:13 PM

This thread made me look back at it and open my eyes to the fact that I have glossed over some things that I really need to examine further.

I did this to an extreme I think. And he tried to fix me too I think. It boggles my mind now. Two screwed up people busily "trying to fix" each other while simultaneously causing so much destruction to themselves, each other, and all those they profess to love.

And Aubrie's right, I need to know why. I need some help with this thought process so I'm going to have to start my own t/j thread because I don't want to take over your thread.

Thank you Alyssa for posing this question.

Scorpio2310 posted 1/14/2014 06:29 AM

When I was introduced to my xF, one of my AP, it was in hopes that I could help her. I was told that "she needed a good guy to treat her right." I spent the next five and a half years (on and off) trying to help her and constantly failing. Even when she cheated on me (repeatedly), I would tell myself that I was not doing enough or that I needed to show her better, the right way that a woman should be treated.

My other AP was a co-worker who needed a ride. I provided her with that ride. I told myself that I was "only" helping a co-worker with a problem and that is why I hid it from my BSO. I told myself that my BSO would not understand that I was "only" helping her.

I'm seeing now that I become a KISA when I start internalizing my conversations instead of talking it out with my BSO.

ETA The second AP also had tried to talk to me about the problems she was having with her BF. It made me a little uncomfortable, and that added another reason to keep the rides a secret from my BSO, because if my AP was making me a little uncomfortable then that news would really piss my BSO off.

[This message edited by Scorpio2310 at 6:38 AM, January 14th (Tuesday)]

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