"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

timeforchange posted 1/12/2014 23:57 PM

Quick bit of background:

EX WH had an A with OW starting in Nov 2009.
At the time he was 40 and she was 21 😝😝

D Day was January 2010 and on the day I confronted him I handed him his (very messily packed) suitcases and showed him the door.

He has been living with the same OW ever since.

Visitation has been a joke! Until this summer he was living in a tiny studio apartment (no sep bedroom) so he had no room for the kids and left them with his mother during visitation.
Money was not an issue as during this time he bought 12 rental properties but continued to love in an apartment the size of a closet!!!!

Well this summer ex WH finally moved into a large family style home with OW. This is the first time the kids were really exposed to OW over a sustained period. Previously they would see her once every 2 months or so.

Well things are not working. OW screams at the kids, and bursts into tears and stamps her foot when she does not get what she wants. She sounds like a total nightmare!!!!!!!!

I hate the fact this impacts my kids but am slightly amused that ex is having to deal with such immature behavior.

So for weeks now ex has been telling the kids "I will put you first, I will dump her. I won't put up with her treatment of you" blah blah blah

Last week I had a gentle conversation with the boys trying to manage their expectations. Ex has never done what he says he will do and I did not want them to get their hopes up too high that crazy ow would be sent packing.

Well the kids came home from visitation last night and told me the following story.

They had been in a restaurant with ex and ow this weekend.
And ow said to the kids "do you like my ring? By the way your father and I have been engaged for several
Months.... Didn't you know?"....

DS13.... Told me "mom she smirked when she told us as if she had beaten us to some prize"!.

So ex must be so proud of his engagement if he had not told the kids!!!!! What a dysfunctional mess!!!!!!!!!

Kids then delighted in telling several of ex WH family the news. Seems no one in the family knew!!!!!!!

So now I have to deal with the kids..... Having a crap sperm donor (he has never actually fathered them!!!).
Being told "I will put you first" and then becoming engaged to ow.... Poor things it just underlines to them again that they are not his priority and he is a very selfish person.

What bothers me too is that it appears to be a very emotionally abusive relationship and the kids are witnessing this.

So lots of work to do, reiterating to them what healthy relationships look like, helping them deal with the lack of a true father in their lives and helping them manage their expectations of this selfish idiot.

[This message edited by timeforchange at 12:05 AM, January 13th (Monday)]

thebighurt posted 1/13/2014 00:18 AM

I'm so sorry that your ex is behaving so immature and selfishly. Too bad so many of us have to deal with the same thing. (((Timeforchange)))

stronger08 posted 1/13/2014 03:38 AM

If the OW is harassing or verbally abusing the kids go to court and terminate visitation. Insist that if he wants to see his children it is to happen without OW being present. Your kids are old enough to explain to the court what's been going on. You have more power here then you think. Exercise it !!!!!!!

SBB posted 1/13/2014 05:08 AM

^^What Stronger said.

I won't put up with her treatment of you" blah blah blah

I'm less concerned about what a fuckwit he is and more concerned that he had reason to say this.

Please, talk to your L and their therapist or counsellor. This sounds so unbelievably awful. Your kids do not have to put up with that. The shit she is pulling is emotional abuse.

Managing expectations is for when you reach a point where there is nothing you can do to get her the fuck away from them.

Right now it sounds like they are all in a competition for XWHs attention/affection. Like she is a new third child. Your kids might laugh it off now but it is an awful position to be in. Kids aren't supposed to compete for love/affection with their parents girlfriends/boyfriends.

The sad clown was 40 and OWUmpteen 23 when we separated 18m ago. Who knows how long they were having an affair for prior to that - 4 years is likely. My girls are 6 and 3 now and there's nothing I can do to stop her being around them. AFAIK she shows little interest in them - negative or positive.

Your story is my worst fear. So much worse than my little girls potentially loving this whore.

timeforchange posted 1/13/2014 10:50 AM

Thank you all for your words.

I am British but living as an expat in another European country.

No court in this land will stop visitation due to ow (or the secret fiancée as I am thinking of re-naming her as no one in ex's family knew about the engagement) and her teenage tantrums.

Believe me if I could I would .... But it is not worth fighting it. I know some couples here who could not agree over visitation and custody. After months of back and forth the children were removed placed in children's home for a YEAR whilst visitation was sorted out.

So no, taking this to court will not happen. That is not a chance I am prepared to take.

All I can do it support the kids and reiterate my concerns to ex.

Ex WH actually phoned me today asking for relationship advice!!!!! 😄😄😄😄😄😄

Turns out he is unhappy but "is panicking if he dumps the secret fiancée he will be alone" LOL

My advice was - be a man, put your kids first, end your relationship with secret fiancée, get IC, determine what you want in a relationship, heal, then go online and try dating.

Will he listen? Probably not but it was a very surreal moment giving him relationship advice. 😃😃😃😃😃

His self interest and selfishness will win out and the kids will remember again how low on his list of priorities they are.

At the moment he only sees the kids 1/3 of his allotted visitation so I think the kids will muddle through this.

I did overhear the kids talking (in another room) about how if their father did not dump the secret fiancée they were going to make her life hell!!!!!

Maybe they will succeed who knows?

Today I am thanking my lucky stars that this immature idiot is mainly out of my life and has little contact with kids.

Gemini71 posted 1/13/2014 12:01 PM

I once read that children learn more from watching us than listening to what we say. Sounds like your kids are getting a good lesson in what NOT to do from EX WH. With your steadfast support, they'll find their way.