Never thought I'd be seeking out an infidelity forum (as I'm sure many of you didn't either.
5 days ago I checked my husbands phone and found some racy text messages from a woman a couple days before that. She had texted that she hoped she would see his hot body run around the track later and she would stick her butt out so he might want to slap it someday, maybe on their next Rendevous. WTF???
I had checked it because for the past month I felt like something wasn't right. Women's intuition. I had anxiety and was worried about his whereabouts and had checked his phone a few times - there was never anything - just once, some missing messages. (I count logs ... I know people can delete).
This happened in the morning - he was still sleeping. Rather than go and beat the crap out of him (which was my initial reaction) I spent the day playing CSI, finding out who this woman was, talking with my bank and financial advisor, seeing how much CS I would receive, if I could afford the mortgage on my own, etc. I had an exit plan in place and I knew I'd be ok on my own.
I confronted him when he came home on his work break (he was on evenings). He denied it at first, then said it was just racy messages - he had met her at the gym where we bring our dd for her activities (not where we work out, but once in a blue moon he or I will stay and walk/run the track while she has lessons.). I said wtf does next rendezvous mean - obviously something happened. He said they met once on a dead end road and did some groping etc. in the vehicle.
Classy. Then he admitted to her giving him a BJ. Classier.
Kids were home so as quietly as I could I told him what a fn asshole he was, to get out, blah blah blah. He said he knew it was stupid, he felt guilty, he's only ever loved me, blah blah blah. I said you obviously planned to do it again according to her text and he said no, it was more the excitement of the texting. Kept saying I don't know about a kazillion times when I asked how he could do this to us, to our kids, etc.
He went back to work (but without his phone, as I had taken it before convo, as I didn't want him to warn her or anything. (As I said, CSI)
As soon as he left I called her number with my phone and left her a message, letting her know who I was, that I had 2 kids and she could call me back or I could call her husband, whichever she preferred.
She didn't call back that night and I kept checking my husbands phone to see if she would text him. She didn't (and hasn't again)
I texted her the next day and she texted me right back and told me to call her. I did. She apologized profusely and said she was selfish and only thinking of herself. She collaborated my husband's story - said it was a few text messages back and forth, she suggested they meet, and said the same thing he did. She told me she was married and when I said perhaps I should call your husband she said if you want. I don't know if he will care - I wish he would. She said at least your husband loves you - he told me. I said, oh, did he tell you that while he was groping you??? Anyways, she said she found out about her husband's affair 2 yrs ago and it still continues. She said maybe she was seeking revenge, she didn't know. She said she wanted to feel attractive to someone, the text messages were exciting. But she said when she got my message she was sick thinking of what she did to me and our family and how sorry she was. She would never ever contact my husband again, and if she saw him she would go the other way. I also told her she should probably find a new workout place, unless she wanted me to come start having coffee with my gymnastics friends at the club where her daughter goes ....
Anyways, I know she could be a total bser, but I honestly get the feeling she was telling the truth. I don't feel like she is a threat or I have to worry about her as I/we go through this.
Onto my husband ... I've been hating him on and off the past few days. He's been sleeping in the downstairs bedroom, yet we still have to go through the motions of being happy family for our kids right now. The only thing that's keeping me from kicking his ars to the curb is that on Friday he called and made an appointment with a marriage counsellor for himself for Wed.
I feel torn. I feel like if we reconcile it will be like a free pass. Will he think - hey, this wasn't so bad .... let's do it again and see what happens? I've read some of your stories on here and I worry I will be one of those people that say, I should've left when I found out the first time 20 yrs ago, kwim?
I honestly thought we were in a happy place in our marriage. We've had quite a few ups and downs over the past few years, but I thought we got to the point that we were past that. That's why it's so hard to understand why he did this.
About 5 yrs ago dh lost his job. I went back to work ft, he went back to school and started in a new field. I'm now the main breadwinner - he has more time at home and does more of the domestic duties - kind of a role reversal. I know deep down he hates it. We've had our ups and downs financially too, dh feeling like his life is boring, he's not successful, etc. Midlife crisis? I don't know. Last year I found some text messages from a woman at work saying how since she can't have him she would fantasize about him, another one saying how hot he was, etc. One woman I saw he replied to and said thanks for the compliment, but I am married and love my wife, to which she apologized for crossing a line. I wanted to go to counselling then but things got better so we didn't.
The past month dh has been way more attentive and loving than before. Guilt? Or trying to throw off my scent? Not sure. I guess I'm just so worried to make the wrong decision right now. He's always been a good dad, good husband (well, I thought), never out without us, pretty much know his whereabouts at all times. We enjoy a lot of family time together, not much alone time.
I did tell him I don't want to make any commitments about R until he's had counselling and me too, to help sort out my feelings so I'm not making a decision just based on raw feelings right now.
I do know that I will be ok on my own, and that in itself is a great feeling. I also told dh how munch $$ would be his when we divide by 2 because I don't want him making a decision to stay just because he thinks it will be easier. He will be fine financially too. I told him I hope his counsellor will help him figure out why he did it, and if he doesn't really love me, or can't not cheat again, then he needs to be upfront and honest with me.
I feel like I'm handling this well at the moment, yet other times I think there must be something wrong with me that I'm not lying in bed totally shattered. Maybe I'm numb right now. I'm sure the throwing our wedding pictures against the wall phase could happen anytime soon .... (I did smash one already ...)
We just celebrated our 15th anniversary and we have 2 kids, 12 and 9.
I haven't told anyone except a co-worker friend who went through this as well. One of my best friends recently cheated on her dh after a sexting affair, so not sure I want to talk to her either. So here I am, talking to strangers. Any advice, insight, kick in the ars you want to give me, I'd appreciate it.