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totallyconfused1 posted 1/13/2014 06:30 AM

Never thought I'd be seeking out an infidelity forum (as I'm sure many of you didn't either.

5 days ago I checked my husbands phone and found some racy text messages from a woman a couple days before that. She had texted that she hoped she would see his hot body run around the track later and she would stick her butt out so he might want to slap it someday, maybe on their next Rendevous. WTF???

I had checked it because for the past month I felt like something wasn't right. Women's intuition. I had anxiety and was worried about his whereabouts and had checked his phone a few times - there was never anything - just once, some missing messages. (I count logs ... I know people can delete).

This happened in the morning - he was still sleeping. Rather than go and beat the crap out of him (which was my initial reaction) I spent the day playing CSI, finding out who this woman was, talking with my bank and financial advisor, seeing how much CS I would receive, if I could afford the mortgage on my own, etc. I had an exit plan in place and I knew I'd be ok on my own.

I confronted him when he came home on his work break (he was on evenings). He denied it at first, then said it was just racy messages - he had met her at the gym where we bring our dd for her activities (not where we work out, but once in a blue moon he or I will stay and walk/run the track while she has lessons.). I said wtf does next rendezvous mean - obviously something happened. He said they met once on a dead end road and did some groping etc. in the vehicle.
Classy. Then he admitted to her giving him a BJ. Classier.

Kids were home so as quietly as I could I told him what a fn asshole he was, to get out, blah blah blah. He said he knew it was stupid, he felt guilty, he's only ever loved me, blah blah blah. I said you obviously planned to do it again according to her text and he said no, it was more the excitement of the texting. Kept saying I don't know about a kazillion times when I asked how he could do this to us, to our kids, etc.

He went back to work (but without his phone, as I had taken it before convo, as I didn't want him to warn her or anything. (As I said, CSI)
As soon as he left I called her number with my phone and left her a message, letting her know who I was, that I had 2 kids and she could call me back or I could call her husband, whichever she preferred.

She didn't call back that night and I kept checking my husbands phone to see if she would text him. She didn't (and hasn't again)

I texted her the next day and she texted me right back and told me to call her. I did. She apologized profusely and said she was selfish and only thinking of herself. She collaborated my husband's story - said it was a few text messages back and forth, she suggested they meet, and said the same thing he did. She told me she was married and when I said perhaps I should call your husband she said if you want. I don't know if he will care - I wish he would. She said at least your husband loves you - he told me. I said, oh, did he tell you that while he was groping you??? Anyways, she said she found out about her husband's affair 2 yrs ago and it still continues. She said maybe she was seeking revenge, she didn't know. She said she wanted to feel attractive to someone, the text messages were exciting. But she said when she got my message she was sick thinking of what she did to me and our family and how sorry she was. She would never ever contact my husband again, and if she saw him she would go the other way. I also told her she should probably find a new workout place, unless she wanted me to come start having coffee with my gymnastics friends at the club where her daughter goes ....

Anyways, I know she could be a total bser, but I honestly get the feeling she was telling the truth. I don't feel like she is a threat or I have to worry about her as I/we go through this.

Onto my husband ... I've been hating him on and off the past few days. He's been sleeping in the downstairs bedroom, yet we still have to go through the motions of being happy family for our kids right now. The only thing that's keeping me from kicking his ars to the curb is that on Friday he called and made an appointment with a marriage counsellor for himself for Wed.

I feel torn. I feel like if we reconcile it will be like a free pass. Will he think - hey, this wasn't so bad .... let's do it again and see what happens? I've read some of your stories on here and I worry I will be one of those people that say, I should've left when I found out the first time 20 yrs ago, kwim?

I honestly thought we were in a happy place in our marriage. We've had quite a few ups and downs over the past few years, but I thought we got to the point that we were past that. That's why it's so hard to understand why he did this.

About 5 yrs ago dh lost his job. I went back to work ft, he went back to school and started in a new field. I'm now the main breadwinner - he has more time at home and does more of the domestic duties - kind of a role reversal. I know deep down he hates it. We've had our ups and downs financially too, dh feeling like his life is boring, he's not successful, etc. Midlife crisis? I don't know. Last year I found some text messages from a woman at work saying how since she can't have him she would fantasize about him, another one saying how hot he was, etc. One woman I saw he replied to and said thanks for the compliment, but I am married and love my wife, to which she apologized for crossing a line. I wanted to go to counselling then but things got better so we didn't.

The past month dh has been way more attentive and loving than before. Guilt? Or trying to throw off my scent? Not sure. I guess I'm just so worried to make the wrong decision right now. He's always been a good dad, good husband (well, I thought), never out without us, pretty much know his whereabouts at all times. We enjoy a lot of family time together, not much alone time.

I did tell him I don't want to make any commitments about R until he's had counselling and me too, to help sort out my feelings so I'm not making a decision just based on raw feelings right now.

I do know that I will be ok on my own, and that in itself is a great feeling. I also told dh how munch $$ would be his when we divide by 2 because I don't want him making a decision to stay just because he thinks it will be easier. He will be fine financially too. I told him I hope his counsellor will help him figure out why he did it, and if he doesn't really love me, or can't not cheat again, then he needs to be upfront and honest with me.

I feel like I'm handling this well at the moment, yet other times I think there must be something wrong with me that I'm not lying in bed totally shattered. Maybe I'm numb right now. I'm sure the throwing our wedding pictures against the wall phase could happen anytime soon .... (I did smash one already ...)

We just celebrated our 15th anniversary and we have 2 kids, 12 and 9.

I haven't told anyone except a co-worker friend who went through this as well. One of my best friends recently cheated on her dh after a sexting affair, so not sure I want to talk to her either. So here I am, talking to strangers. Any advice, insight, kick in the ars you want to give me, I'd appreciate it.

jjct posted 1/13/2014 06:53 AM

Welcome here...

I suspect that they were in contact to get their stories straight...the missing day...she said the same's a bit too neat...
Make plans to contact the other BS, when you're feeling up to it. Don't tell your H - just do it, with kindness and compassion, leaving a dump email for further corroboration if necessary , but importantly - let go of the outcome.
Give yourself time to process the emotions and trauma.
If he's truly remorseful, and does the hard work to fix this, you CAN R, but for now, just take care of you.
It's also wise to suspend relations until you both have had STD tests.
Sending strength to you - you got this.

PRNDL posted 1/13/2014 07:08 AM

Welcome to the club no one wants to be in. On a very positive note, this site was a blessing to me affter my wifes A. I just wish I would have found it early on like you did.

Your 5 days out. Thats very very early. You seem strong. However, take time to process everything first. No decisions.
It may hit you later. Be prepaired to only focus ob taking care of your self. Let it settle.

Deal with obsessions and triggers. Get IC. Once u seem to get used to the situation, start planning.

In the mean time, you should look at the Tactical Primer thread, review the 180D, and read whats in the healing library.

Take care of you. I was very cool, calm, and strong after my Dday..... For about two weeks. After that, I spend 4 months trying to manage debilitating panic attacks and anxiety. I had to be medicated and almost lost my job.

Just remember that he will give you TT. Expect that he did way more than what he said he did. Prepare for the worse. All cheaters do the same thing and say all the same shit. They are all garbage.

You will want to reconcile. Thats understandable, just do not make decisions now. He may keep cheating or you may find out much much more.

Good luck

We are here for you.

iamsoblind42 posted 1/13/2014 07:12 AM

Good for you for having an exit strategy. Working on that myself now but after I was blindsided this weekend.

I agree you should tell OW BS.

I want to throw all my pictures too. I did take off my wedding ring. I plan to sell it and buy myself a nice trip or something.

I still have no clue what I am going to do in the long run but every time I looked at it it made me want to vomit thinking of all the lies and broken promises.

I figure if somehow we get through this and I really don't think we can... At the very least he owes we a huge new ring.

Good luck and I am rooting for you!

totallyconfused1 posted 1/13/2014 11:58 AM

Thanks. Still not sure how I'm feeling or if I want to call her BS. I guess I'm worried of people talking, my kids hearing, and no matter what happens I don't ever want my kids thinking bad things about their dad.

Maybe I'm being nave, but I really don't think he contacted her to collaborate stories after I confronted him - he wouldn't remember her # . I don't even know my bf's number - he doesn't know his moms - it's just in the phone (which I had), and he's got a bad memory.

Who the heck knows. Maybe I'm just trying to convince myself.

In regards to someone saying making sure he's doing the right things for R. What are the right things? How do I know what he's doing is what he should be doing? I guess I need to justify to myself it's ok to try and R if he does XY and Z, but just what is that?

PRNDL posted 1/13/2014 12:40 PM

Take your time. However, 180D his ass. The 180D is more for you. Your sanity.

Dare2Trust posted 1/25/2014 00:35 AM

Your husband must send this OW a NO CONTACT LETTER....and the OW's husband must be contacted and told about this affair!!

mystified1970 posted 1/25/2014 00:57 AM

Just remember that he will give you TT. Expect that he did way more than what he said he did. Prepare for the worse.

3 years since first D day and TT is still coming out. That advice is solid but not sure one can ever really be prepared for what comes out.

So sorry you are here. Wishing you strength in this horrible situation.

totallyconfused1 posted 1/25/2014 07:46 AM

Dare2Trust - Yes, I've been up and down about the NC letter as he would have to send her a text. That's all the contact he had with her. So I just worry that will open up for her to think she can text him back. Or that she'll think he's been thinking of her the past couple of weeks. Kwim? She did apologize to me and told me she would never contact him again.

I haven't told him yet to write a NC letter (or short text I guess...) but you're right, it should be done. I will tell him today.

tushnurse posted 1/25/2014 16:33 PM

Absolutely NC. Send a text or send it in the mail. Be very dubious that text is te only way they communicate it takes about 5 minutes to set up an email.
Assume he is lying about everything. Snoop his computer his Email his car. Their stories were identical? Really isn't that convienent. Look for a burner phone. Make sure he knows there are real and severe consequences for lies and breaking NC.

Get STD tested and if you are havin trouble with sleep and eating talk to your dr. This can be overwhelming and a lot of us need pharmaceutical support in the early days.

Keep reading keep posting

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