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What to do the day after

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Whytome posted 1/13/2014 07:04 AM

Good morning everyone! I first have to say I'm so in love with my husband and have been for 13 years of marriage. I can not event believe that I am here. I can't believe that he would do this to me.

We share three children 13, 10 and 9. We were trying for baby number 4. Yesterday when he went to go get our daughter from volleyball he was getting a lot of iMessage's on his ipad. So I looked.. It was a women asking if he was still coming. He said no.... Something came up... And asked when she was going to be back in town.

When he got back I asked him what it was all about. He tried to lie to me and tell me it was a women that he had met from work and that he was just in a friendly relationship and they had meet for coffee twice. Then a few minutes later when I said "this doesn't add up" he stands up and yells I'm lying it was a hooker. I was going to go meet up with her.

Then after the biggest panic attack of my life I asked him if he had ever cheated on me. He first said no. I told him that I would pay for a lie detector test and he better come clean. He then hesitated and told me that he hired a hooker about 8 months ago. He swears it was the only time that he ever cheated on me.l don't know where to go from here. I don't know how he could do this.

He ways that he couldn't even organism with her. He says that she gave him a bj and they did have intercourse but he couldn't finish. I couldn't figure out where he got the money. I do all of the bills and watch our accounts like a hawk. Come to find out he went to a cash advance place and is still paying it off.
That immediately told me this was not a fluke thing and that he must have taken the time and energy to plan it. So I started asking questions. A lot of questions. He found her on craigslist and took about 2 weeks before he actually did it. That was the knife twisting in my back.
He told me he was sorry. He told me that he had never felt so bad in all of his life. But yet he was lining up a second one just on this past Friday ( 4 days ago)
I have been through so much in my life. I watched my mother commit suicide in front of me at age 12 on Mother's Day, her boyfriends used to beat the crap out of me. Why in the world would god think I haven't suffered enough. I have never felt the truly gut renching sadness that I am feeling right now. How do I even pack my kids lunches, do laundry even begin to comprehend what is happening??

jjct posted 1/13/2014 07:22 AM

hugs (((Whytome)))
I want you to know you've been heard.
Please take care of yourself!
Drink a lot of water - stay hydrated, read the Healing Library,
We got your back.

sudra posted 1/13/2014 07:37 AM

Welcome to SI. Iím sorry you have to be here but itís a great place if you need it.

This is NOT YOUR FAULT. Your husband didnít cheat because of anything you did or did not do. ITíS NOT YOUR FAULT.

Take a deep breath and take care of yourself. Make sure you eat and drink water when you can.

Get tested for STDs before you have sex again. He needs to be tested as well. Make sure you see the results of his test yourself.

He should definitely begin individual counseling (IC) to find out why he cheated. You may also want individual counseling to deal with all of this. At first, there is so much to think about, it helps to talk it out, and lots of us betrayed spouses (BSs) don't want to disclose to family or friends. Also, make sure your counselor(s) know how to deal with infidelity. If the counselor(s) does not deal with the infidelity first and foremost, find another. Marriage counseling (MC) is a good idea but this is not the time to work on the marital problems prior to the affair, and we all had/have them. The marital problems did NOT cause the infidelity. You must deal with the infidelity first. Any counselor who says differently does NOT know how to deal with infidelity.

If you have a close friend or family member you can trust, talk to that person. Ask for help with the kids if you need to Ė you can do this without sharing specifics of why if you donít feel you can. Just say you have some issues and need some help with the kids. This is hard and it will be hard for a long time.

Keep your kids out of it (but don't lie to them if it's too late to keep them out of it and they ask questions).

Your husband should answer all of your questions honestly and as often as you ask, without being angry or defensive, and without blaming you for his affair. He must do this to be open and to help you process the affairs.

I am so sorry you are going through this.

ImEnoughForMe posted 1/13/2014 07:39 AM


When we are dealt something this horrific in our life the only thing you can do at this time is take your day in the moment. You will only be able to handle small tasks. And learn to let other things go. Be easy on yourself.

Keep coming here and reading. Drink water and MAKE yourself eat - even if you can't eat a lot.

You will find lots of love, compassion and support here. So sorry you find yourself here - it's awful. But truly this site is a valuable life line of support.

sudra posted 1/13/2014 07:53 AM

Oops. Just read your other posts.

My advice about IC for you is the same. You need someone to talk to. You also might think about IC for your son - he will need help processing this as well.

You're drinking water - good. Try to eat, even if only a few bites. I was able to get down oatmeal and yogurt. Boost or ensure can help as well.

I'm sorry it was your BF with your husband. Hopefully, there is someone else who can help with the kids if you need it.

Do you normally exercise? That can help a lot. Get out for a walk or run, go to the gym, Jazzercise, whatever.

I am so sorry.

iamsoblind42 posted 1/13/2014 08:35 AM

I am so so so so so so sorry. Your WH and your Mon. I just can't imagine that as a 12 year old.

I have an 11 year old daughter and that just make my heart wrench for you.

Do you have someone you can talk to? Suggest finding an IC today.

Lots of hugs!!!!

shatteredapart posted 1/13/2014 10:39 AM

Sending {{hugs}} your way. Like everyone else has said try to take care of yourself (drink water and try to eat) and your child. It's not easy. It'll probably get harder before it gets better. You've found a great community here. You'll find lots of great support. Don't keep things bottled up or you'll feel like you're going insane. I sure did. Finally talking to a few close friends and finally my family helped a lot. I still struggle daily but it's not as bad as the beginning.
We're here for you.

Whytome posted 1/13/2014 11:16 AM

Thank you all so much for your support. I have had so many emotions over the past 24 hours. I can tell already this isn't going to be easy. He is showing me a lot of remorse right now and he is saying that he will do what ever he has to for me to start earning his trust again. I still don't know if it will work

I am going to see a new therapist at 2:00 today and believe it or not he has already attended 2 sexaholics meetings ( I have tried to get him to help himself for years now I just never thought he was going outside of the marriage. )

Is it weird or wrong to just want to make love to him? That is what I want more than anything right now. But I also don't want to "reward" his behavior or let him think that this is going to blow over. What do I do?

shatteredapart posted 1/13/2014 12:15 PM

Whytome wanting to make love to your WH right now is common. It's called Hysterical Bounding (HB). I know I went through the same thing. You do what you need to do. Just protect yourself. Make him wear a condom and please get tested for STDs.

Skan posted 1/13/2014 16:03 PM

The urge to try to mark or re-claim your territory is something that we all know and if you absolutely must, then go ahead. However, you and he both need to schedule STD/HIV testing ASAP. Ideally you would not have sexual contact until both of you came back clean. Yes, condoms help, but they are not a fail safe.

If no one has pointed you at it yet, please take a look at the upper left corner of your screen where the yellow square is. Click on The Healing Library and start reading. There is a lot of good information that you're going to need.

And come back often for support. We're all here for you.

Whytome posted 1/13/2014 18:21 PM

So I went to a new IC today and I had my husband come along. I didn't like the guy at all. I have another appointment for Friday with another IC. I hope this one goes better. I have officially gone about 3 hours without crying. I hope I can go the rest of the night. I really just want to laugh. Anyone have a good joke? I really could use one right now.

On a good note. I really do think my husband loves me. I really do think he just made a mistake but it is going to take a long time and a lot of begging on his end. I think maybe I'm still just in shock. I don't know. I have gone from the deepest sadness I have ever felt, to wanting to make love to him, to wanting to rip his dick off all in the past 8 hours. It really is exhausting!!! I'm saying an extra prayer for all of my new friends tonight and thank you again for you comments. Every little bit helps!!

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