"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

Slighter posted 1/13/2014 07:45 AM

Last night was my nightmare. My BS had her nightmare with DDays and everyday since. Last night was mine. I have a severe issue with opening up to her. She came to the decision that a divorce was inevitable because of the feelings I opened up about. I don't know what to do. I stayed up sitting in my rocking chair for most of the night. I finally dozed off around 2:30 but woke up shortly after 3 because of a nightmare I had that involved her kicking me out. When I awoke my heart sank because I wasn't lying next to her. I was terrified. Although she may not have wanted me to, I payed down in bed with her just so I would know she was there. She believes that I am not in love with her but how can I express the terror I felt when I awoke alone last night.

I have done pretty much nothing to show her I am trying to fix us. I understand why she feels the way she does. I think that I get complacent when she is having a happier day. I want to just spend time with her and fear bringing any feelings up out of fear that it will change her mood and she will no longer be happy. She tells me she wants me to do that but I am having such a hard time actually bringing her down again. I know that what I am doing, or actually what I am not doing, is not helping her or us any. How can I get help if I don't have the funds for an IC as of right now.

This is mainly just a stream of conciusness and

Slighter posted 1/13/2014 07:46 AM

Sorry didn't finish

I know this is just a stream of conciusness and probably doesn't make much sense but I thank you for anyone that listens and lets me get it out.

DanteJace posted 1/13/2014 08:50 AM

How can I get help if I don't have the funds for an IC as of right now.

Did you check with your health care plan? (I hope you have one.) I think most health care plans have at least some benefits for "mental health". There may be limits (maybe only limited set of therapists to chose from, or a high co-pay, or limited visits per year)... or it may give you many options.

Sounds like you could benefit from some professional talk therapy. Good luck.

Aubrie posted 1/13/2014 08:58 AM

Hey Slighter, if you don't have access to professional help, you can always use SI and start working on yourself without "professional" guidance. Read books, follow your thought processes, start digging in.

What books are you reading? Has your wife given you a list of what she wants? What have you done to make yourself a healthy person? Do you know your "why"? Why did you choose to cheat?

I'm sorry you're in this position. Sucks that we don't see our brokenness till we're looking at the pile of a shattered marriage at our feet. If the marriage is over, what are your plans? Do you like you and the choices you've made? Do you plan on continuing the self-work?

marnie45 posted 1/13/2014 09:01 AM

I agree. Check your insurance plan, if any way possible, find a counselor you two can go to asap. I am in year 3 of recovery. However, my days/ weeks/ months after DD are burned in my mind. We had crazy awful times following, but it will ease.

My number 1 piece of advice is find a counselor and no contact with other person. None.
Not an email, not a call, not one last text.

If you must, a note written together with your spouse to say you will not be writing again or having any contact ever again is it.

Your job is to function now. This sucks, is hell and very hard. But everything your spouse is saying is par for the
course. If you want to save your marriage, how you react is critical now.

Stay Calm. Stay focused and NO CONTACT.

This will not be a quick or short road to healing, but I do believe it's do-able.

You need help from a counselor and the safety of counseling to talk and work through this.
Praying for you,

Slighter posted 1/13/2014 09:26 AM

I have not started reading any books. I am going to comb through the resources on SI to find ones to buy. Any suggestions on ones that may have helped you. My BS are supposed to go to a bookstore to look at self help books for ourselves as well as our M.

I have not planned for not being with my BS anymore because I don't want that to be an option. I plan on using SI much more for help than I have these last two weeks.

I just lost my health care at the beginning of the year so I am searching for a solution. I have no issues with no contact whatsoever.

I thought I could soul search within myself but that was a foolish idea. I can't sort through the ton of crap in my head and when it comes to expressing my feelings to my BS i come out looking like a mute. Do you know the song by Darius Rucker "I've got nothing"? Well that is one of my BS's favorite songs and unfortunately she lives it everyday when we talk. It's not that I don't want to talk I just feel like nothing I will say matters. I know I need to try and try and try and that is what I am going to do. Thank you and if anyone has any good book suggestions I am more than willing.

SlowUptake posted 1/13/2014 09:32 AM

Hi Slighter

First up. Don't panic!
Your Dday was 12 days ago.
Your BS is going to be all over the place for many weeks to come.
She will go from wanting divorce to wanting to reconcile and back again in a matter of minutes.

Show her support & compassion. She's feeling incredible emotional pain.
You have to be the strong one, she can't be right now.
I know your hurting as well, but it's time to put on the big boy pants.

Don't worry too much about your why's just yet, that will come later.

Right now it has to be all about supporting your BS and helping her to get through the initial shock.

Answer any questions she asks you truthfully and completely. Do not make excuses or get defensive. Don't hold anything back in an effort to 'spare her', it will only cause more pain down the track.

Many divorced BS's say it wasn't the cheating that killed the marriage, it was the lying after Dday that did it.

Good luck.

Aubrie posted 1/13/2014 09:32 AM

My BS are supposed to go to a bookstore to look at self help books for ourselves as well as our M.

Gently - why don't you go? You messed up, you go to the bookstore. At lunch or after work today. P.S. That's proactive action right there.

How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair: A Compact Manual for the Unfaithfu by Linda MacDonald is a good start.

There used to be a book thread floating around the WS forum, dunno if it's still here. I'll check on that and bump it up if it is.

It's not that I don't want to talk I just feel like nothing I will say matters.

How long have you felt that way? When did it start?

Slighter posted 1/13/2014 10:03 AM

I meant that we are supposed to go together. You are correct and I need to go myself if that is what it takes. Anything to get material in my hands and head.

I am not quite sure how long I have felt that way. 3.5 years ago I had a two week EA and I feel after that I started to shut down. Mainly feeling like I didn't deserve to have any feelings if frustration whatsoever. I don't know if this internalization led to my recent PA or if I am just trying to make excuses for myself.

Secrets Kept posted 1/14/2014 23:47 PM

WS Only.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 1:06 PM, January 15th (Wednesday)]