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Did anyone like their spouse *more* during the affair?

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Ascendant posted 1/13/2014 08:52 AM

So, one thing I've thought about periodically in the past year or so since discovery is that fact that during the affair, my wife actually seemed like a healthier, more independent person. I mean, just in general, the manner in which she carried herself seemed to be more confident and outgoing, and I was just wondering if anyone else had the same experience...because the majority of the posts I read are that the WS tends to be more distant, irritable, and edgy during the affair.

My wife was never really like that *sober*, but when she drank the crazy came out in full force. I just remember thinking (during the affair) that I was really happy that she had seemed to turn a corner in terms of her independence, maturity, and self-esteem. I realize in hindsight that it was because her self-esteem was being artificially propped up by all the ego kibbles and attention, but part of me also sees the person my wife could potentially be if she ever fixes "the holes in her bucket."

Kelany posted 1/13/2014 08:56 AM

OH hell no. He was a total emotionally detached total asshole. No thank you.

hobbeskat posted 1/13/2014 09:06 AM

Nope. He was a total arsehole during it. Incredibly mean and short tempered. I'm kind of glad he changed so dramatically-something for me to look out for.

million tears posted 1/13/2014 09:12 AM

No. He was a total dick to me AND my kids. And my mother and his parents and practically anyone who wasn't the OW or her kids.

brokendancer7 posted 1/13/2014 09:19 AM

H was pretty much an arrogant jerk during the A.

cl131716 posted 1/13/2014 09:27 AM

In some ways, yes the last time. He wasn't accusing me or so controlling then. He wasn't interested in what I was doing. But, he was cold, distant, and critical.

Offhispedestal posted 1/13/2014 10:16 AM

NOOOO!!! He was my worst nightmare during the A

Ascendant posted 1/13/2014 10:27 AM

I'm still here reading...I'm still going to respond later, but I have to go to work. Thanks to everyone that's responded thus far.

struggling16 posted 1/13/2014 10:42 AM


He had proposed that we "work" on the M. Apparently, that meant that I would be available for recreational activities, be his housekeeper, entertain the family and friends and let him do whatever he wanted whenever he wanted. I did things alone because he couldn't be bothered to accompany me. When I questioned him about his moods I had the privilege of being raged at. I was confused about everything and got nothing from him except unwarranted anger.

He was a hateful, arrogant jerk during the A.

mandan66 posted 1/13/2014 10:49 AM

She was a freaking monster! Horrible to me and the kids. She actually called my 7 year old son at the time an asshole because he hadn't picked up his room before going over to a friend's for a playdate. To his face!!!!
That was her basic behavior for 4 months, until the dude dumped her, and then I found out about the affair.
She is much easier to like now that we are divorced---out of sight, out of mind

refuz2bavictim posted 1/13/2014 11:00 AM

I get this.

There were some definite aspects of FWH I really enjoyed during that time. He was more focused on some of his pursuits, was consistent in self care and generally more confident. I liked that, he seemed so self directed and determined. He made less excuses, and was more action oriented. I liked it.

I didn't see it as the selfishness it was, until after discovery of the A. At times it was pure arrogance, and disrespect, but in many ways he was finally doing some of the things I had hoped he would.
I didn't realize that it was not for him, for us or for our family. He was acting this way, to keep the ego kibbles flowing.

Now that I know he is capable of that measure of focus and drive, I am unable to accept anything less from him. I am much harder on him now, because of that. I also thinks he struggles with my new found expectations. That is a new source of conflict in our post A Marriage. I KNOW what he is capable of....because I have seen it, regardless of the motivation behind it.

keptmyword posted 1/13/2014 11:19 AM

No. Deluded, anger projecting, decieving, superficial, etc. A total piece of worthless shit. Despicable in her behavior. Divorced her and she is still a despicable misguided child - even though she wraps herself up in a facade of newfound holiness.

Butterfly7904 posted 1/13/2014 13:16 PM

YES! He was a bit more cocky and conceited. He definitely had more confidence and was happier. He started excersizing, lost 40lbs, started drinking socially a bit more, he bought me an escalade, our family a trip to mexico, he told me how much he loved me, how great we are together, we had amazing sex in those two months. Now I see that he was literally on a high. She was his fix. He now says it wasn't necessarily her (it could have been anyone) it was the constant compliments...your a good father, hard worker, soooo cute, etc... it wasn't reality, it was fantasy. He had such a low self esteem, it didn't matter that she lived 5000miles away and had NO idea what he was like as a father, how hard he works etc... she was just telling him everything he wanted to hear, and he LOVED hearing it.

MrKabosh posted 1/13/2014 14:04 PM

I have to say yes, she was evolving into a totally different person, especially sexually, and I loved it. Of course it killed me to find out it was due to her relationship with o/m. Even though it was emotional affair and texting , she was opening up sexually and willing to try things I always wanted. She played with him as if she was into rough sex, being tied down and treated like a sex toy, and in our real life, we began to experiment with those things. Other than that she was the same girl.

cancuncrushed posted 1/13/2014 14:12 PM

When I saw the first symtoms, H was total jerk to me and kids. Absent as much as possible. After DD with OW, he was scared because I saw this in person. He became the nicest person. Planned two trips, bought rings, and remodeled the house. ALL very uncharacteristic of him. THen the second OW at dd wedding, he was very mean, very arrogant, very flashy, very emotionally abusive. I didnt like him in any of these. He hides so much of himself. I never know who he is today.

64fleet posted 1/13/2014 14:19 PM

No, but now that I think about it, she certainly spent a lot more time on her appearance back then, and has gained 35 lbs since dday.
She was hateful though.

Ostrich80 posted 1/13/2014 14:41 PM

That would be a big ol HELL NO!! He was mean as f**k to everyone in our home. I've never hated anyone in my life but I can say, I hated his guts during that time. He was a monster.

SisterMilkshake posted 1/13/2014 14:44 PM

Hells, no!

1owner posted 1/13/2014 14:59 PM

Absolutely not!!!!!!!

Alcoholic, pill popping, totally self destructive. Horrible to me, ignored kids. Had an sense of superiority to everyone. Total psycho, totally self absorbed.

I think in her own sick mind she was proud that she could draw a married man away from his family. With her and her circle of friends, that was something to be proud of. I was nothing but an afterthought, a bad memory that would soon be out of her life. Married OM was such a better catch than me, and after all, she deserved it, so she said.

OM dumped her. I guess cheaters aren't such a great catch after all. Go figure.

Ascendant posted 1/13/2014 18:51 PM

There were some definite aspects of FWH I really enjoyed during that time. He was more focused on some of his pursuits, was consistent in self care and generally more confident. I liked that, he seemed so self directed and determined. He made less excuses, and was more action oriented. I liked it.
This ^^^ was what I was getting at more or less. My wife did act like some of the people here have mentioned, but only when she got's like when she was sober she kept the facade together and compartmentalized, but when she let down her guard that shit ran buckwild. Thanks for everyone's responses.

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