Topic: what is the best advice you have been given by another WS?
Member # 39005
| Posted: 10:19 AM, January 13th (Monday), 2014|
Just to show how much support you can get on this forum, what is the best advice another WS has given you?? What words have really stuck out to you and made an impact?
"I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against because he's all I ever knew of love"
Posts: 993 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Massachusetts
Member # 25460
| Posted: 10:29 AM, January 13th (Monday), 2014|
There literally is no end to the wisdom, advice, guideance, support and truth given to me by the members of SI, both the WS and BS community. I have pages of quotes that I use and turn to when I need help. Its almost impossible to sort through them and determine the best but ....if I had to, my first and most fave thing told to me:
Wisdom from Gamine - Make a decision and discipline yourself not to waver. Don't be someone who stands for nothing. Stand for what you decide and back it with the full force of your character and conviction. DECIDE. CHOOSE. COMMIT. PERIOD.
And another one of those truths that always works for me:
wincings_sparkle - If it hurts, it is something worth looking at. If it makes you angry, it is something worth looking at. If it makes you cry, it is something worth looking at.
Donít listen to your head, itís easily confused. Donít listen to your heart, its fickle. Listen to your soul, God doesn't steer you wrong.
Posts: 3293 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Azilda, Northern Ontario
Member # 2
| Posted: 10:32 AM, January 13th (Monday), 2014|
Years and years ago when I was only about 2 years out from D-day, I was posting about how much I hated myself and that I would never forgive myself for what I had done.
Another WS came in said that I felt that if I forgave myself then I would be absolving myself of any obligation to help repair my marriage. And it suddenly dawned on me that just because I could forgive myself didn't mean I could just leave the damage I had done in the past, that I still had to deal with it.
It was great advice because it showed me I could work on healing myself but continue to be responsible for destruction I had created.
"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)
My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.
Posts: 201017 | Registered: May 2002
Member # 40557
| Posted: 10:34 AM, January 13th (Monday), 2014|
There are so many things that have helped me. I am very thankful for the "tough love" given on this site.
For me it was...carry your own water. I have realized a neediness in myself that I did not know was there and was inhibatng the healing process for my BS. By doing the things I needed to do to become a better person and not relying on my BS it has helped us both.
TT on 3/5/14 - Finally came completely clean
Finally working on making real changes in my life, one day at a time.
Posts: 174 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: United States
Member # 38815
| Posted: 10:36 AM, January 13th (Monday), 2014|
you don't have to WANT to do what is right. Do what is right and the wanting to can come later. You'll be happy you did.
I didn't WANT to stop thinking of AP. Thinking about him gave me comfort. I knew it was wrong. I felt bad because I still WANTED to think about him.
This piece of advice was essential for me. I did what was right despite not wanting to.
For someone like me, with entitlement issues, I needed to hear this. I still use it as a mantra now.
[This message edited by Trying33 at 10:53 AM, January 13th (Monday)]
Posts: 362 | Registered: Mar 2013
Member # 39146
| Posted: 10:47 AM, January 13th (Monday), 2014|
The best advice . That is hard to narrow down.
Own my Affairs
Nothing justifies them or any betrayal
to look deeper,
to not give up,
And be honest to myself.
If I can't be honest with myself I can't be safe for anyone including myself.
Just a few. :-)
D day November 9, 2012
3 children 22, 8, 6
Posts: 440 | Registered: Apr 2013
Member # 40181
| Posted: 12:30 PM, January 13th (Monday), 2014|
Lots of good things. What comes to mind first is something that I was told early in the process when I thought the most important thing in my life was over and done.
"You're married till you're not."
That one thing gave me enough resolve to get through a bunch of awful moments. It gave me strength to keep fumbling toward the right things because it reminded me that there could be a path forward.
"May you be protected from hearts that are not humble, tongues that are not wise and eyes that have forgotten how to cry."
Posts: 269 | Registered: Aug 2013
Member # 11224
| Posted: 12:36 PM, January 13th (Monday), 2014|
While I don't remember exact words, I recall Maia reaching out when I was really struggling and encouraging me to begin working on forgiving myself.
It was years post-A when that happened... probably 5 years after I ended EA and confessed to BS. Yet I was so hung up on what a horrible person I was and had not given myself permission to forgive myself.
I've never spoken with any other SI person in real life, until Maia gave me permission to call her that day. We only spoke once, but her words were so comforting and encouraging.
Once you have done the work, forgive yourself. Your healing journey will never be complete unless you do it.
Posts: 1056 | Registered: Jul 2006
Member # 27879
| Posted: 1:06 PM, January 13th (Monday), 2014|
I've received so much good advice but what stands out the most (and something I often pass along to others) is to heal myself; to identify and fix my shit regardless of whether XH and I reconciled or not, because no matter what I will always be left with myself. "Wherever you go...there YOU are."
Me: XWS, 33, 5-month EA/PA in '09-'10
Husband: XBS, 45
Married 2.5 years
We remarried in 2014
Posts: 2426 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: Central Florida
Member # 36853
| Posted: 1:20 PM, January 13th (Monday), 2014|
Aubrie's sig line:
Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway.
Gave me strength to finally say to my BH. "I had an affair."
So many things have been terrifying for me in this process and that quote and support and encouragement from members here have taught me to be brave. Even when I think it will kill me (and I have felt that way) it pays off in the end. I had to face that even if the very worse thing I could scheme up in my mind happened it was worth it to be authentic and true to myself and others. I had to picture myself alone and hated by all without my children and scraping to get by and know that it would be worth it because I could regain my self respect and work from there to love those who matter to me with all of my healthy self.
fWW 40s, BH 40s
D-day 27 Aug 2012. Kids 23, 16, 11. 2 dogs.
I edit often to fix stuff ☺️
Profoundly grateful Every. Single. Day. that I am blessed with an H with strength, integrity, and compassion, and that he decided to try.
Posts: 1613 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Deep South, USA
Member # 39665
| Posted: 1:21 PM, January 13th (Monday), 2014|
"Take your head out of your ass. Then take the cotton out of your ears and put it in your mouth".
Easy to hear? No. Necessary to do? Yes.
2 year EA/PA. DDay 3/12. Broke NC 6/13 w/one stupid 5 line e-mail (which brought me to SI). Me: WH, 50. Her: BW, 49. Married 19 years. Two kids. Dog. Reconciling...together.
Posts: 403 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Suburbia, New England, USA
Member # 41801
| Posted: 3:31 PM, January 13th (Monday), 2014|
Be consistent in your actions towards your BS. Consistency, consistency, consistency...
I have no idea how good this advice actually is since my BS refuses to have any contact with me, but it feels right...
D-Day Oct 28th, 2013
Together 18 years
Three amazing boys 12, 9 & 6
Praying for hope daily
Posts: 260 | Registered: Dec 2013
Member # 24849
| Posted: 7:27 PM, January 13th (Monday), 2014|
This shit is a marathon, not a sprint.
FWW - 41
"Don't think first about the risks of speaking up. Think first about the risks of not speaking up." ~ Kerry Patterson
Posts: 6072 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: So Cal.....
|Topic Posts: 13|