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Seeking closure

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Dawn58 posted 1/13/2014 10:47 AM

HI All,

I am 13 months out from Dday, mediation is set for April (original date was last October, but the mediator had emergency surgery the day before!).

A couple weeks after Dday, he came over to the house to "talk". He basically blamed me for the end of the marriage, showed no remorse, no I'm sorry, just told me how I was at fault, I changed the day we got married, my only priority was school, I didn't get along with his family, I wasn't suited for his social life.......I felt lower than dog crap when he left. He told me he thought he found someone he could love (and then, to top it all off, wanted to be friends). I felt that he gave himself closure with that conversation.

Now, I want closure. I have been living in limbo for the past 13 months. I have been divorced before, although my first husband did not cheat on me and it was a mutual decision to end the marriage. Not a one sided decision from a self centered cheater.
In my first marriage, we worked on the marriage for several years so I knew I had done everything I could to make it work. I did not have that chance here. I had no idea the affair was going on, found out about the affair and was asked to leave my home. I was in a state of shock for months.

I have written him numerous letters which I have never sent. I had a dream last night that I talked to him, told him I didn't understand why he did what he did, did not understand how he could throw away my love and the life we had together so quickly and easily. In my dream, his response was to blame me, which I believe would be his response now.

I want to cut the emotional ties with him. I don't know if I will ever forgive him for the actions he took, but I have accepted it has happened and see him in a more realistic way. I married a man I thought I knew, but I didn't really know him.

My sense is that I will not get closure from him, it's something I have to do within me. I know it is a process and one that I can't rush. But it feels like there is an action I can take. We had a wedding to celebrate the beginning of the marriage, what do you do to honor the ending of the marriage?

alphakitte posted 1/13/2014 11:10 AM

Dawn, I'm sorry you are struggling.

You are right that you will not get any closure by talking TO him. You can't talk WITH him because his fragile ego blames others for his failures, including this one.

Look, he is a serial cheater. When/if he remarries there becomes an opening for another affair partner.

It is his lust that drives him. Sexual lust and lust for power. He is past his peak and he will become frightened and desperate, if he hasn't already, when he realizes that.

As soon as he obtains something it begins to tarnish for him and he lusts for the next newer, shinier model. Image is more important to him than substance, including his personal relationships. He needs to be the BIG executive on campus in order to feel validated.

As to the claim that you aren't suited to his social life??? What a crock! The chick he is with now makes him look cheap and lecherous. The fact that he can't see that is evidence that he is drinking his own Koolaid!

Your closure will be when you realize what a bullet you have dodged. Your life would be miserable as his power begins to deflate. He will take that out on whomever he is with.

Your closure will be obtaining a fair divorce settlement.

Be strong!

badmedicine posted 1/13/2014 12:17 PM

Hi Dawn,

I'm glad you realize that talking with him won't get you anywhere. In fact, based on your last convo with him it will probably do more harm than good.

I've heard of people having "divorce parties" to celebrate when things are final. Personally I don't feel at all like celebrating. I feel like curling up in a ball and staying home. I don't know what I'll do when things are final. Maybe I'll plan a long run with friends or alone. Maybe go out of town for a weekend by myself. My point is, right now I feel like crap and it seems like you do, too. What kind of closure do you feel you need? You realize that his affair was 100% his choice and there is no amount of "work" you could do that would help anything if he is unwilling to participate. Does writing the letters help? If so, I would keep doing it because maybe it will help you work through your feelings. DO NOT send them. Maybe you can do something with them at the end to symbolize moving on? Like burn them and scatter the ashes of your dead marriage somewhere? Sounds morbid but maybe?

Not sure if any of this is helpful. I hope you are in IC, and maybe there you can talk about what would bring you closure to this painful chapter and help you start a new one. (hugs)

suckstobeme posted 1/13/2014 12:22 PM

The sense of closure will never come from him. He lied and said whatever he needed to say to absolve himself. He can't look at himself, there is no way he's going to look at you and have that one final honest conversation anyway.

Your best bet is to truly accept it. You haven't yet. You are on the way, but your heart hasn't yet accepted that he's gone, that the person you loved most in the world was capable of bringing you so much pain, and that you are better off without him. That takes a lot of time. I'm more than 3 years out and it's just started to click inside of me. I would say it but my closest friends knew that I didn't yet believe it.

The way to commemorate the end of a marriage is to sit with it, walk through the grief, feel the feelings, and try every day to rebuild a better, stronger you. He took that strength away from you for a while. Your job is to not let him succeed forever and to go find it. He's no longer part of the equation. What happens now is all about you.

Closure only really works when it ends like your first marriage - a painful, but mutual decision. You don't get closure with a monster who was cruel and cold hearted enough to check out before you even knew there was a problem.

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