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It feels like my heart is dying

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RyanCL posted 1/13/2014 10:53 AM

First let me ask that anything you write in response to be constructive. I can't handle any negativity.

Yesterday I told my WS that I didn't see any other way then divorce or separation. I came to the realization that everything I thought he'd been doing to show me he was in the fight he wasn't doing. I noticed that he only seems to want to be here when I'm in a happy and ok mood. He doesn't seem happy with me. He doesn't know how to talk to me, he says that since the first A four years ago he has felt he had no right to his feelings so he internalizes them.
After that first A one night he told me he was scared to go to IC because what if he realized he didn't want to be with me. He said there was a possibility he was no longer in love with me. I was broken and dying when he said that and I think when he saw that he decided he was going to love me so not to hurt me. I should have seen this but I didn't. I was so in love with him and still am to the point where I was blind.
Now my concern is that he isn't in love with me. That he has stayed all these years because he didn't want to hurt me or my kids. My heart is broken and dying again but worse then anytime before. If I'm right then that means all these years I was so happy and he was wishing he was somewhere else. I cried myself to sleep last night and found myself wake up to tears still streaming down my face. I'm so very hurt so very very hurt I can barely breath. I just don't think I can keep feeling this way. I know so many people say make him leave get some clarity, but I'm scared. Today is the first time I can admit I'm scared. What if he doesn't want to come back, what if it's over. I realize I sound pathetic but as I sit here with tears falling down my face all I can feel is I want to die. No one should hurt this much.
No one that has been faithful and loving, giving up their self to create a family and a life with their dream person should feel this way. It's to much pain to much hurt. I don't know if I can take it

[This message edited by RyanCL at 10:58 AM, January 13th (Monday)]

Whytome posted 1/13/2014 11:27 AM

I'm so sorry for your pain. I am new to this site and just found out about my husband yesterday. I don't have much advice as I am sitting here with tears as well. I wish you well and I hope things get better for you.

focusupward posted 1/13/2014 11:41 AM

Hi Ryan, I too am new to the site, unfortunately not to spousal betrayal. I just want you to know that I am so very sorry for what you are going through right now. Hugs and prayers sent.

Hopetosurvive98 posted 1/13/2014 11:57 AM

Hi Ryan, I am so sorry you are hurting so badly. Betrayal is really just about the worst because it makes you question everything and creates so much fear. You are not alone in this and we are all here with you. My DDay was two years ago but I can remember this fresh pain as if it was yesterday. It is still a struggle but it does get better.
I am certainly not the wisest of SI and I am sure those with great advice will be along soon. I want you to understand this is not your fault, you are a good person, wife, and mom. Your WH betrayal is a result of his own brokenness and not anything to do with you. Not that it makes it hurt less, I know. Your WH should have wanted to address his A with IC 4 yrs ago. To me fear of learning he didnt love you is just not a good excuse. Acting out in an A is wrong and a horrific choice and as a father and husband he should have wanted to explore this with IC in order to help you and your marriage heal. Now it appears you are here again with a new A (forgive me if that is incorrect). That means he never owned his shit and did any work. Hurting you and your children with a new betrayal is not acceptable. I know you are hurt and I know you are scared and that fear is in thinking it is over. Ryan you deserve more then this and that might mean it is over if he cannot submit to real and authentic R which means doing a lot of hard work on himself and learning empathy for you-the wife he betrayed and who is suffering. At this time though you need to think about yourself, your children and take good care of yourself and them. Eat, drink, try to sleep. Do you have any support IRL? If so reach out to friends and family, post here often. I am sorry if that was rambling and not helpful but bottom line is you do not deserve this and he needs to take a good long hard look at himself. I am so sorry.

iamsoblind42 posted 1/13/2014 14:16 PM

Hi Ryan, I too sit here sad but my tears are drying up today. It's only been 3 days but I am not crying uncontrollably anymore...progress.

I saw an IC today. I am seeing IC again tomorrow. It helped a little and highly recommend.

If you have not found one yet, do and if you don't like the IC or are not comfortable get another one until you do.

I want my WH to beg and plead and tell me how much he loves me. I am not getting that but to hear what you have would be devastating. Based on his reactions on day 3 I have a feeling that day for me is coming soon and it scares me to death but I will get past this, I will be stronger.

I am a survivor!

Watch this video, it might help... Makes me feel a little better..
Destiny's Child- I'm A survivor


RyanCL posted 1/13/2014 15:45 PM

Thank you all for the kind words. I have spent my morning searching for a counselor. I emailed a few that had mission statements and qualifications I liked so I'm just waiting to hear back. I also went to lunch with my mother in-law to let her know that I maybe asking her son to leave(I already have, but he's begging to stay). I needed to tell her and talk to her because she's begging us to stay together. I haven't cried in 2 hours and for me that is a victory right now! Hugs to you all

AndreaL posted 1/13/2014 16:13 PM

First off, you are very strong!! Whatever you decide, you are going to be ok. Just wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you. Big hugs xx

focusupward posted 1/13/2014 16:23 PM

Kudos to you Ryan for searching for an IC. Find one you are satisfied with and feel comfortable with. Took me three tries and now I feel truly blessed with the one I have found. Hang in there and stay strong. Wishing you the best.

nowiknow23 posted 1/13/2014 16:55 PM


nolight posted 1/13/2014 18:18 PM

Hi Ryan, you are dealing with this wonderfully (even if it doesn't feel like it).

You are right sometimes taking a stand and asking the WS to leave pushes them out of that "fog" I hope this is what happens for you.

If it doesn't though, you will be ok in time. In my opinion there is little worse then being in a relationship with someone who you suspect doesn't truly love you or want to be with you, it just kills you slowly from the core of who you are and you deserve better. If the relationship does end you will have saved yourself years of feeling inadequate and waiting with trepedition for what he may do next.

Again though he may very well discover that he does love you and wants to fight for your marriage. People fall in and out of love many times in relationships for many reasons, it isn't always permanant. Counselling should help you discover how repairable your marriage is. ((()))

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