So we spend a lot of time on Skype, and texting. We had a very ruff few days last week, and its a pattern 3 days in when he's away at work the anger boils to the top, and like he says when he can't see me its worse.
Now the thing is since Thursday , we've been good , he wants to plan a trip all four of us, and planning stuff for us etc. part of the roller coaster. I also had an intence IC last Tuesday , So I was melting myself that day and I am sure it did not help when my BH was on the down slope.
Well today. Thank you again Aubrie for the post on the Life boat, and everyone else talking about the help all the WS give each other and also the BS's .
I'm not sure if that's what is triggering me, seeing all the new new WS and hearing them or is it as simple as I thought, the jar that held the last rose my BH had given me, had broke.
He had given it too me on our 14th anniversary, it was during my affair 2 weeks before it ended. And it said how much he loved me. I had kept these flowers and he asked me to throw them out. I had to keep one. And I thought I had broke it too. As I type this I cant see the key bored. Its like my soul is breaking .There is no word or feeling I can use to describe this. And its been happening a lot lately.
What is this, I scream in my head How could you, and have body wracking sobs and my breath feels like its being sucked out of me, and it feel like everthing is being ripped apart . and the more I go to Ic the more mad I get, the more I think about what my BH has had to put up with,now, then and before.
But none of it excuses me for what I did and for what he now feels.
I know for me to help him and be the wife he wants and to the person I want to be , I have to keep moving forward. But how! How do you forgive yourself, Like he said I feel worse about myself now than I did before and I already hated myself and with IC , I have realized I have been sabatoging my own life for many many years.
I am stuck I think and not sure what to do.
The self hatred, disgust, anger and everything else can be overwhelming. Own it. You paid for it, sister, so live it. This pain is part of what comes from our infidelity and the more you allow yourself to feel it and know where it is coming from, the better an understanding you will have of what you did and how not to ever let it happen again.
This is not a good time you are going through and you have my good wishes on it. It hurts like hell but this is about as authentic an experience that anyone ever has in life. Feel the pain and find your way through it. You hurt for some very good reasons. If you are brave enough to own the pain, maybe you can be brave enough to own the whys.
Strength to you.
I think one of the hardest things is realizing that my adult life has been tainted because of my own shame and unworthiness. That So many people have paid for this . Not just me. I look at past jobs, clients, family friends , past and current relationships, and I see the now the behaviors the coping skills and the set up to fail. I set myself up to fail.
The worse is realizing that my affairs we used to reaffirm how worthless I am. They proved to me that I didn't deserve to be happy.
The other side of it is it was a drug. It took away the pain . I wish in a way I'd used coke or boose or something, its understandable, in away. I could understand it, and accept it. I know that sounds strange , but the thrill the endorphins gave me a false sense of okayness , distraction and an escape. Both cases in the end it made my life miserable because the guilt the self affirming worthliness cut back in, and the fact its me that's screwed up was loud and clear.
My relationship with husband was not bad, there are/were aspects of it that are not ideal and we are working on.And no matter what my resentment was I could have presented them and gave him the choice to help solve it.
The other part is understanding that my conflict advoidance was (is) fear of rejection and intimacy. Afraid to be vulnerable which leads to rejection if the other person doesn't like your feeling, thoughts or ideas. "Your not worth changing or helping" Which I have found and understand the source of this thought processing as well.
My problem now is too see to the other side. I want to live I want to just love and to be loved.
I can understand now, how my BH must feel. I have rejected him, he gave me his everything and I basically said not good enough, And somehow now, he is suppose to believe I love him, and be willing to love me back. Bloody nuts. That's crazy making in its own.
No wonder he asks me how can you ask me to stay, why didn't you leave.!
How so you respond to this, how do you do you defeat your own unworthiness and try to have your BH see your worthiness, if you don't feel it. And I so want to. What an amazing circle of self defeat have I chosen.
