So this morning,
Started great, My Bh still away at work they having problems so looks like it could be this weekend before he's home, been 9 days now. Defenilty withdrawal and missing him, and because we are in central part of Canada the weather makes driving not safe for me and the kids.
So we spend a lot of time on Skype, and texting. We had a very ruff few days last week, and its a pattern 3 days in when he's away at work the anger boils to the top, and like he says when he can't see me its worse.
Now the thing is since Thursday , we've been good , he wants to plan a trip all four of us, and planning stuff for us etc. part of the roller coaster. I also had an intence IC last Tuesday , So I was melting myself that day and I am sure it did not help when my BH was on the down slope.
Well today. Thank you again Aubrie for the post on the Life boat, and everyone else talking about the help all the WS give each other and also the BS's .
I'm not sure if that's what is triggering me, seeing all the new new WS and hearing them or is it as simple as I thought, the jar that held the last rose my BH had given me, had broke.
He had given it too me on our 14th anniversary, it was during my affair 2 weeks before it ended. And it said how much he loved me. I had kept these flowers and he asked me to throw them out.
I had to keep one. And I thought I had broke it too. As I type this I cant see the key bored. Its like my soul is breaking .There is no word or feeling I can use to describe this. And its been happening a lot lately.
What is this, I scream in my head How could you, and have body wracking sobs and my breath feels like its being sucked out of me, and it feel like everthing is being ripped apart . and the more I go to Ic the more mad I get, the more I think about what my BH has had to put up with,now, then and before.
But none of it excuses me for what I did and for what he now feels.
I know for me to help him and be the wife he wants and to the person I want to be , I have to keep moving forward. But how! How do you forgive yourself, Like he said I feel worse about myself now than I did before and I already hated myself and with IC , I have realized I have been sabatoging my own life for many many years.
I am stuck I think and not sure what to do.