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Unique No Contact situation

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Notdaniel posted 1/13/2014 12:01 PM

I am a WS and am working on reconcilliation. My affair resulted in a pregnancy. My wife's nature is a gift in that she is "built" to protect the innocent and she sees the baby as innocent (of course) and a miracle. (My wife and I were not able to have children after our first). Initially, my wife, being a Christian woman, offered forgiveness to the AP and wanted all 3 of us to work together for the benefit of the child. We are now at a place, with further reading, that we want to establish and keep the no contact with the other person but still be in contact with the child. I have read another article indicating that No contact can work with child dropped off at daycare and then the other person picks the child up or a neutral drop location where contact is minimal.

There is no reason that I and the AP need to communicate every day even with a child. My question is how can I show my wife that I have no problem setting up the no contact, but still not seem hesitant as I try to work out the logistics of seeing the child for the first 6 weeks before daycare. The article focuses on No contact for children in daycare but what of the first 6 weeks. Obviously, you aren't going to arrange a place to drop off a week old child and that is what I am trying to figure out. BUT I don't want my wife to think I am hesitant because of AP when it is more of trying to work through logistics.

smez posted 1/13/2014 12:26 PM

I* (and I think you should seek a professional and legal opinion on this situation) think that you forfeit the first six weeks if you can't come to a reasonable solution that allows you to have minimal contact with the OW.

In NO WAY would I ever let my child go somewhere where I wasn't allowed to call and check up on how things were going.

My personal opinion is that once a child is involved, everyone puts on their grown up pants and starts acting in the BEST interest of the CHILD and if you and your wife can't do that without contact, then you support financially until your marriage is in a better place and stay away.

GraceRunner posted 1/13/2014 12:31 PM

I really don't see how you can co-parent or co-raise a child without contact and communication. I haven't read those books or articles you are referring to but, speaking as a parent, that sounds like a horrible plan. Someone (either you or your wife) will have to be in communication with the mother of your child. If the baby becomes sick, or needs medication, or as he/she grows and is dealing with emotional or physical issues - these things have to be shared for the well-being of the child.

I understand if you need to maintain NC to restore your marriage. Does your wife have to be? Can she pick up the baby while you wait in the car and can she tell the mother what needs to be shared when she drops the baby off? I just cannot imagine handing my baby off to someone else without being able to communicate to the caregiver. I think if you share with your wife what you said in your last paragraph - that you are struggling with how to maintain NC while also be an effective parent - perhaps you two together can come up with a plan that has you working as a team.

Heartbroken2013 posted 1/13/2014 13:25 PM

I totally agree with GraceRunner .... there is no way that NC can be maintained throughout the child's life.

This WILL have a detrimental effect on the child. The child will KNOW that his parents don't talk/see each other and will become suspicious!

I have 2 adopted children who have contact atm with their birth mum. Birth mum refuses to interact with me, will not be in the same room as me so I always drop children off with a social worker who then takes them into room where birth mum is waiting. Im guessing this will be the same for you?

When my children come home from contact ... they are disruptive and can become very clingy. they don't know who to trust yet and who is who. I, know this is a completely different situation and that you will be the birth father BUT the child in question WILL know something is different about them. Yes, parents split and have joint custody of the child, but these parents speak to each other, or at least drop off outside house etc ... what like GraceRunner says, happens if your child needs any emergency treatment while in your care? You WILL have to contact the mother ... Im not sure how you would get around this situation, but as GraceRunner has already suggested, could your wife do the dropping off and picking up?

May I also say how lucky you are that your wife is so understanding about this child. I know all children are innocent and this child didn't ask to be born, but being the scorned wife Im not entirely sure I would be able to .... especially as you and your wife were unable to have any other children after your first.

Very very understanding wife you have there and I hope you count your lucky stars every day

Notdaniel posted 1/13/2014 13:37 PM

Very very understanding wife you have there and I hope you count your lucky stars every day

I am. She is. I admit my stupidity every second.

In relation to the other posts, I understand what people are saying. There was an option where my wife would be the point of contact versus me talking to the AP and if the child is sick I would want to know. It is hard to forfeit the first 6 weeks and I know attachment is a 4-5 year process but those first 2-3 months are important and that is what concerns me. I think we can reach a point where we have limited child only contact which my wife can be a filter for versus the "check up on you" contact which would not be beneficial for our marriage. I think.

thank you to everyone

Jrazz posted 1/13/2014 13:47 PM

Your wife is the utter definition of compassion. This child will be blessed to have her involvement.

Having zero experience in this matter, I am aware of a few situations where the BS was the point of contact or involved in every piece of contact. It seemed to work for some. Communicating clearly and compassionately every step of the way is the best way to continue to move forward. Good for both of you.

breakingpoint posted 1/13/2014 19:46 PM

I agree with the other posters. It is not realistic nor healthy for your child for their to be no contact. What if the three of you set up guidelines for the contact that must happen? Once you get into a routine, maybe your wife would be more comfortable being the primary contact for you AP. Like it or not- you guys are going to be a family. You may not be breaking bread at Christmas, but as co-parents, you are a unit. You will be at school plays, recitals, ball games etc. together. There is a long time to work out the kinks and get comfortable, but its naive to attempt NC.

What if during the first 6 weeks you and your wife picked up baby together? May be awkward, but a newborn is oblivious. Its a great time for you guys to adjust, find what works, get the weird feelings over with.

As you proceed, I think you need to make your arrangements with the first priority being your child, and secondly your wife's feelings of security. And you will also need to think of your AP's comfort with being separated from her baby. Because in this case, she is the mother, not the AP. Her relationship with the baby trumps anything ever between the two of you.

I am confident that you can all be happy and healthy in this, if you are deliberate, empathetic, and open. Good luck!

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