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Are men always clear with their signals?

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mixedemotions posted 1/13/2014 14:00 PM

This seems like a "he's just not that into you" situation, but I wonder if it's always that cut and dry. Maybe I'm just hanging on to hope bc I want the outcome to be different than what it seems.

Met a guy online, we emailed for a few weeks, then he gave me his number and said text anytime. He was big on sending pictures, no inappropriate ones, just pics of him with his friends and sometimes of things he was doing that day. Normally I think texting pictures is weird, but I actually liked getting them from him. I told him I don't text pics to men, he said fine and we kept talking anyway.

I suggested we get together in person, he said he'd love to. That was before Christmas and still no date! We've made a few tentative plans that always fall through with a last minute excuse from him...the weather, he's sick...he called before our first plan and said he thought I should hear his voice. Also gave me his full name and encouraged Googling...little did he know I'd already investigated and found his professional profiles

Every time I think the cancellations are a hint that he's not interested, he'll text again and start an ongoing conversation. We're in the same profession which has been refreshing for me, I really like texting with him and enjoyed our phone conversation too.

I'm thinking I need to tell him I won't be texting anymore since he's not reliable and hasn't met me...but I also don't want to be missing out on something good by being too concrete about reading signals...I just can't think of legitimate reasons it would take this long for us to get together, but I want someone to tell me it's ok to hold on bc there's actually a good explanation and we'll live happily ever after...(rolling my eyes at myself bc I realize how silly that sounds)

painpaingoaway posted 1/13/2014 14:05 PM

I know I don't belong in NB! but every now and then I'll read a post or two.


I just can't think of legitimate reasons it would take this long for us to get together
from my jaded world view, I would venture a guess that he is either married, or juggling several online women.

Sorry, I don't mean to be a Debbie Downer, but that's my take on it.

[This message edited by painpaingoaway at 2:06 PM, January 13th (Monday)]

mixedemotions posted 1/13/2014 14:19 PM

Those were my worries too, PPG. I found an article about him online bc he was coming back to a sport he does as a hobby after a freak accident...the article said he was single but it was from about 2 years ago.

mandan66 posted 1/13/2014 14:19 PM

Its not just men my dear; both sexes do this. Its the world of online dating, I guess. I started online in the beginning of December, and I have had four, yes four!!!! women contact me first, at least 3 emails back and forth, give info, good times to meet, and then day of, somewhat bogus excuses to cancel.
DO NOT take it personally! There are just a lot of lonely people out there, for whom OD is really just an ego stroke, and really have no intention of ever going out. Plus, lots of people that are emailing 50 people a day.
Is it disheartening? Absolutely! Here you are serious about finding a relationship, and someone is playing dumb games.
My advice---don't contact this dude again. If he's interested, he can bust his tail trying to meet with you. Tons of good guys out there, just cast a wide net, and be patient. If your area has meetup groups, look into them.
Good luck

cmego posted 1/13/2014 14:23 PM

Yeah…there is a problem. Most people WANT to meet the other person. There are people out there who are just happy to be "pen pals".

I'd guess married too. And I've done OLD off and on for a while, I've never had a guy tell me to Google him.

If it were me, I'd not confront, I'd probably pull back since your needs aren't getting met and move on to someone else. I would also be clear in communication and give him one last opportunity, as in: "I am interested in meeting you, how about this weekend for coffee?"

If one more "date" is broken, then tell him you are no longer interested, and you need to move your focus to someone that is interested in meeting.

Something is fishy….

EvenKeel posted 1/13/2014 15:08 PM

Hmmm - sometimes stuff does just happen (ie sick, weather, work, whatever)....but then you would think he would all over trying to reschedule, etc?

Do you want to try one more time or you done?

You could always do a 'last chance to meet-up' and say if we are unable to get our schedules to work then we must be too busy to date each other. That would keep it light but send the message you are done playing cat & mouse?

Crescita posted 1/13/2014 15:42 PM

I'm getting some catfishing vibes. He has a strong online presence, is in the same profession, sends you a lot of pics, always has an excuse not to meet-up. Any chance he isn't who he claims to be?

Be careful not to reveal too much more until you can verify who he is.

[This message edited by Crescita at 3:43 PM, January 13th (Monday)]

LineInTheSand posted 1/13/2014 16:06 PM

My advice---don't contact this dude again. If he's interested, he can bust his tail trying to meet with you.

I agree with mandan66! Let him seek you out if he's interested, and he can make the plans to boot!

Brandon808 posted 1/13/2014 16:24 PM

We've made a few tentative plans that always fall through with a last minute excuse from him...the weather, he's sick...he called before our first plan and said he thought I should hear his voice.
Sorry, but he's not interested in anything more than texting imho.

mixedemotions posted 1/13/2014 21:53 PM

Thanks everybody, you confirmed what I wanted to pretend like I didn't see...whatever the reasons are, he's not treating me the way I (and all of us) deserve to be treated.

And Cres - I called him catfish when I talked about him to my friends... "Catfish called today" or "another possible date with catfish"...walks like a duck, quacks like a duck, right?

I did give him a last chance offer last weekend, saying I'd like to meet either that weekend or this week. He said "maybe Monday?" (Meaning today) but I already had plans for tonight, so he was supposed to check his schedule to see if we could fit in coffee, lunch, or early dinner...and instead I haven't heard anything from him all day.

Now the question is what to say if he does text another time...

sparkysable posted 1/14/2014 15:02 PM

Definitely catfish.

worried_lady posted 1/14/2014 17:33 PM

As far as what to text back if he texts you..........nothing. If he is serious he would text again. Forget it. People do what they want to do. If he really wanted to met he would have already made plans.

Oh the Irony posted 1/14/2014 18:03 PM

Yeah, sounds like he just likes the attention.

I would probably just ignore him. Go ahead, be a poofer. Sometimes it is okay. He may suddenly "chase" you if you ignore. Not a good thing either.

Or you could just do a "I'm going to disengage note".

thyme2go posted 1/18/2014 11:11 AM

Are men always clear with their signals?

Clearer than he is.


PhoenixRisen posted 1/18/2014 11:53 AM

agreed - if he texts you back -IGNORE!
The beginning of a relationship is supposed to be the best time, when both people put their best foot forward. If this is his best (stringing you along, blowing you off, having you question whether he is interested, making you chase him down) imagine what any future with him would hold? You would never be his priority, he ignores you, you question where he spends his time. Sounds a lot like life during A -right?

Do NOT go down that road again. The signs are very clear

I'm also getting the "he isn't who he claims to be" or he is married vibe.

When someone shows you who they are: believe them! Do not make excuses for his rude behavior while holding on to your fantasy that he is Mr Perfect. He is not.

Delete his # from your phone so you aren't tempted to reach out in a lonely moment envisioning that he is Mr perfect.

mixedemotions posted 1/19/2014 17:17 PM

You guys are the best! This was exactly what I needed. Thank you!

newnormal posted 1/20/2014 06:22 AM

Sounds like the same guy I've been talking to.

thanks for the post

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