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How can he be so cruel

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allyk2014 posted 1/13/2014 14:17 PM

My wH is a narcissist to the extreme. He cheated on his xw's and left them for his AP's (I found this out from w2 recently). I put up with a year long A (he swears was just an EA, although texts strongly prove otherwise) and multiple women sending him topless photos (he can't figure out why). He became physically/emotionally abusive each time I would discover his inappropriate behavior, promise to end it each time, and threaten me if I were to leave him. I would eventually forgive, feeling sorry for the poor boy who was abandoned by a parent as a child). He never felt remorse for any of it, and got extremely upset each time I needed to talk about it. He isolated me from friends and family and needed CONSTANT attention. No amount of attention was enough to feed his narcissistic supply.

I finally had enough and kicked him out in October. He called me a few weeks later saying he missed me, I was the love of his life, and said he had been "working on himself" I stupidly agreed to date him. The first few weeks back together were absolutely amazing. I thought he finally "got it." He then picked a fight for no reason, didn't speak for a few days, accused me of cheating, name calling, etc. I was done. A week or two later, he promised counseling and begged me to go away with him. We had a few really nice weekend get a ways in Nov/Dec. He cried that he can not lose me again and was so attentive. Then out of the blue flipped out on Christmas Eve for not coming over and taking care of him while he had the flu the evening before, said he was done with me for asking questions about his behavior, said my expectations were too high, wished me a Merry Christmas and a take care.

He text a few days later, calling me every name in the book, devaluing me, my job, my family, everything!! He said some really horrible unacceptable things !! We got into it and he told me he was done with me (apparently I wasn't letting him walk all over me and control me anymore). NC a week and I received a text asking if I am enjoying all of my men. Really? I ignored.

Then Saturday night I received 30+ texts accusing me of seeing other men, calling me every name imaginable, telling me how great his life is and how much fun he is having, how he's never been happier, etc. He then threatened to destroy me in town and said everyone will know about me.. I responded with "what's there to tell" I then said I was filing for D and asked him to be civil or that I would bring up his infidelities, drug use, abuse, etc. That ended the craziness just after midnight.

Why is he doing this to me? How could a human being act in such a way. He actually seems to get great pleasure out of my suffering. I'm so sad because the prince charming I thought I married was just an illusion, a lie. I now have to look like a fool in our community for divorcing Mr Wonderful successful man that everyone loves. I feel so played and all of the horrible things he is calling me doesn't help my self esteem. He broke into my house and took every piece of paperwork, stole everything from our account, and I have Nothing to even pay a lawyer. I just broke down crying again. I have done Nothing to him, other than talk back and not take it lately. How can someone be so cruel.

Merlin posted 1/13/2014 14:29 PM

Why is he doing this to you?

Because you allow it.

Take2 posted 1/13/2014 15:09 PM

How they do this.... I'll never understand and neither will you. Now that you've seen behind the mask - he doesn't care what you think of him. He will bully, and threaten -- but perhaps he is fixated on "image" enough that you can use it to your advantage. Read up on everything you can about how to separate yourself from a Narcissist.


Dobegirl posted 1/13/2014 17:05 PM

Oh lord, I can relate to so many things here in your post. I too am married to a narcissist also. We are separated by 800 miles thankfully.

They are wired so differently. Find your bitch boots.

Sending you hugs and strength

PhantomLimb posted 1/13/2014 18:17 PM

My X is NPD and he went from an ideal husband (I was quite happy in the M), to a monster overnight.

He hid the A and tried to get out of it in a way so that I couldn't find out what he did. When that didn't work and he was cornered into telling me, it was, as others have said, like a mask came off.

He raged at me and physically and verbally abused me. When I refused to take that, he became passive aggressive and posted things on Facebook he knew would get back to me.

It's disorienting. I relied on family and friend to shelter me and help me move forward with the D. I moved out across country and never looked back. And I went into IC with someone who specializes in trauma.

There are several good books out there about NPD. I read them over and over. They helped.

But do rely on anyone you can reach out to now. You'll need the protection and safety-- even if just for your peace of mind.


Amazonia posted 1/13/2014 19:23 PM

He is projecting. He assumes you act and think the same way he does, because he's so self absorbed that he cannot fathom that not everyone is a carbon copy of himself. Really, the world doesn't just revolve around him, it is him in his mind.

Also, he's bullying you because you're standing up for yourself, and he doesn't like that. Your expectations are too high? Well it's obvious this loser will never even come close to them, and that's a good thing, because you deserve a hell of a lot better.

littlefoggy posted 1/13/2014 19:35 PM

He lashed out at any loss of control.

The meaner he gets, the colder you have to be.

Be ice cold. Like a stone. Don't let him think for a second he is make you upset.

He wants you to react. Because he is controlling your reactions. Don't. Let. Him.

At least don't let him see it. ((Hugs))

gonnabe2016 posted 1/14/2014 01:19 AM

Title: How can he be so cruel
1st Sentence: WH is a narcissist to the extreme.

Asked and answered....and you didn't need *our* help at all.....

I now have to look like a fool in our community for divorcing Mr Wonderful successful man that everyone loves.

I'm kinda in this same boat (although I don't feel that I look like a fool):
I've reframed this in my mind. Anyone with 1/2 a brain *should* say to themselves: What is wrong with Mr Wonderful successful man that everyone loves....that made allyk want to D this guy and get the f#@$ away from him?

I have done Nothing to him, other than talk back and not take it lately.

Yep. All I wanted was an *equal* partnership.
You just have to live *your* truth and not worry about whatever *spin* your WH is putting on the situation or how you are being perceived. It is not easy, nor is it any fun.....but the alternative is staying with a toxic and unhealthy person **shudder** The vast majority of stbx's friends/family believe me to be an unforgiving bitch of epic proportion. But I've finally reached the place where I just don't give a crap.
I *know* what an evil monster my stbx is and that is all that matters.

TheAgonyOfIt posted 1/14/2014 02:44 AM

It's not going to stop..

Please read Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by lundy

Contact your country domestic violence office. Join a support group. I did and my abuse is emotional and insidious, but already leArning a lot! Support is good too.

You don't haVe to check all the boxes to go. Just contact domestic relations on your county. Tell the very nice social worker your story. It will help you I promise.

Stop thinking about WHY he acts badly
Does it really matter
That he treats you badly IS what matters

Now you have plenty of reasons to look after yourself. I implore you to do it!!!


SusanR posted 1/14/2014 03:28 AM


I dunno either. All I ever wanted to do was be his partner. I gave him chance after chance. Now that I haven't taken him back on his timeline, he is whimpering that I am f?#!ing up his life. it doesn't matter that I have asked for time to heal. He wants me to take him back NOW!

He just doesn't have the time or energy to deal with our separation because, the whole time he was having his A, he ignored all the things he was supposed to do to keep his teaching license. Now he has a bunch of classes he has to complete in a short period of time. So sad. Really. My heart breaks (sarcasm font needed). I wonder if the board knew about his extramarital activities, if that would affect his license. I wonder if that is motivating some of his panic.

He is in jeopardy of being exposed for who he is. People are starting to ask why I'm not around. It might come to light that he isn't such a great guy afterall. That is really serious. Much more of a concern than me being a bruised and broken shell of who I used to be.

The real question is. How can I not have seen him for what he was for 20+ years? Why did I allow his narcissistic need for adoration trump my happiness for so long? Why do I still even give a rat's ass?

We will never understand how they can be so self-centered and cruel. I have chosen to stop trying. Now I have to get my heart to follow my head.

Let me know if/when, you figure that one out!

curiouswiz posted 1/14/2014 04:03 AM

Allyk2014; In the I can relate forum there is a thread for Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Please go there and read all that you can. That thread will help you so much. It's a great supportive tribe.

God bless. I think your "fun" has just begun.

allyk2014 posted 1/14/2014 10:57 AM

Thank you all. I realize it's not going to stop. Here is the texts I got last night:

"We could have had a great life together. but you blew it by having to have other guys."

"I hope someone hurts you some day so you can feel this kind of pain"

I almost replied with a "you know better. I'm not seeing anyone..." Then realized that is what he wants to hear, that I'm sitting around crying. I won't give him the satisfaction. I replied with:

"I am the third wife who has endured your physical and emotional abuse, and the drug use. I had hoped you would get help for yourself. I do still care about you and your daughter, but I can not be married to you."

That sent him into a rage and all night of texting, more name calling, belittling me, my family, job, telling me he never wanted me anyway, telling me I am going down in court, etc." I need to learn to just ignore. He is not mentally stable.

I contacted wife 1 last night via fb. I already heard from wife 2 that about 8 yrs of physical abuse, rages, breaking her things, drugs, and infidelities. I am SHOCKED wife 1 went through the exact same things. UNBELIEVABLE. Just unbelievable!! Yet, he thinks it's all of us!!!!

PhantomLimb posted 1/14/2014 14:23 PM

Right after DDay, while we were in false R, I was one of these people who ordered a million books on Amazon. I wanted to educate myself on what I was dealing with-- both in terms of the A (his IC had recommended a useless reconciliation website that probably many people here know is Unicorn Central) and in terms of the strange and abusive behavior I was seeing from him for the first time.

(I didn't find SI until months later.)

One book that helped me was The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists.

At first I thought it was a little simplistic. But I reread some of it after my X broke NC last week with a crazy NPD email... and a lot of it was helpful all over again.

It's sort of like I could understand what people here, IRL and in these books were trying to tell me about my X. And it was enough "proof" for me to move forward with the D... but it's not until I'm almost a year out that I really *understand* some of that advice.

This is a long and shitty process. I'm glad you have the support of his other wives because it shows you that you're not alone here. He's always been a creep. That's really disorienting, but also stabilizing.


Merlin posted 1/14/2014 14:26 PM

If you fear for your safety, take steps to protect yourself.

You have no need to respond to his shit whatever.

It's what he wants. So stop it.

TheAgonyOfIt posted 1/14/2014 20:02 PM

hi AllyK,

Okay... so took me a while... but

When i finally stopped reacting to his absurd behavior, that's when I started to heal.

That means, don't react. Don't try to tell him anything, don't try to make him see your point of view, don't react if he throws a fit about something in the cabinets (or whatever his triggers are)

... just don't react, don't engage.

Getting to the place where you stop reacting can take some time, because we keep beating our heads against the wall.. WHY can't he see this? WHY can't he understand? etc.

It's a losing battle. His behavior is absurd and hurtful and cruel. And it's not going to change and you can't tell him ANYTHING that will ENLIGHTEN him.

I'm sorry. that's the way it is.

I ditto the recommendation on wizard of oz narcissim....

good luck, keep posting, you'll get to a point, probably, of revulsion and disgust and maybe pity, but his behavior won't ignite you anymore'll just let it pass you by.

You'll get there. SORRY you're facing this. It's like dealing with a mental patient. (no offense intended to those with mental illness AT ALL, i just realized it might sound like that... what i mean is it's just dealing with the craziness of narcissistic ////// ANGRY ANGRY ANGRY behavior!) (Most Narcs are ANGRY people who cannot deal/know their deeper feelings and are too well defended to ever get there,.. sad that. )))

[This message edited by TheAgonyOfIt at 8:05 PM, January 14th (Tuesday)]

gypsybird87 posted 1/14/2014 20:48 PM

This reminded me of a great quote I saw on FB the other day: "Pick your battles. You don't have to show up for every argument you're invited to."

Next time he tried to engage, tell yourself "I decline your invitation to drama" and give him nothing but crickets.

Hugs to you!

PhantomLimb posted 1/14/2014 23:01 PM

You know, people with personality disorders this severe are mentally ill. It may help to face that.

At first I thought it meant I should pity him and I felt this need to help him.

Then I realized it meant that I can't do anything to make him see "reason"... because he is incapable of seeing it.

Once I realized that, it helped me recognize that I had to let him go. And that engaging his accusations and rewriting, etc was futile.

I still think of myself as having lost my partner to mental illness. It just brings the injustice of this whole thing to another level.

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